It used to be that every morning I would wake up and wonder which part of me will hurt the worst. It's a common thing for middle-aged men (or middle-aged anyone, I suppose), but my deck is very much stacked against me. More than with most people.
Thanks to those spinal injections I've been pain free in my usual spots. My *new* problem is shit just going wrong on me. Like the sudden return of the sickness that usually sends me to the ER puking and in pain. Or when my dentist said there's something weird about my implant, as it is doing something that should be impossible. It looks like its losing bone where the implant joins with the jaw. Or the thing with my eye where I have a bunch of really big floaters in my vision. It looks like a cloud of flies are constantly around my head. If I close one eye, most of them disappear . . . unless I lightly close it, in which case I can still see them swimming against the back of my eyelid.
My eyes are doing something new now. Every day I wake up it's like my vision is glitching. I can see, but any light is so blinding that I can't see clearly. Waves run over my vision, usually in time with my pulse. If I close my eyes I have retinal burns that look like inkblots. It goes away after I've been up and about for maybe 15 minutes, and sometimes if the sun is really bright out, one of my eyes closes involuntarily.
So it's fun being me.
You know what I need? A fucking Lazarus Pit. Anyone got one of those around? Or is it just Ra's al Ghul? I don't care about immortality all that much. I think I've lived long enough as it is. It's the quality of my life that I care about. I think about Dean Winchester going to Hell, then getting dragged out by Castiel. Dean marvels at his remade body, in particular his fingers. They're no longer crooked from punching people and monsters. I want to be that way. Without the hellish torture, of course. Unless maybe that makes it worth it?
I like my scars. Scars really do tell a life story. But everything else? It would be nice to wake up and not have my eyes go crazy on me. It would be nice to be able to confidently eat something in public without fear of it coming back later and sending me to the ER. It would be great to feel my feet again. And it would be nice to have all ten toes again.
So I guess I have to wonder what the fuck is next to go wrong for my body. Maybe those injections will wear off, and I'll be in constant pain again. That would be peachy keen. Something to look forward to . . .
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