GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1070: NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS

 I am 100% certain there are sentient beings living throughout the universe. Existence is a pretty fucking big place, and if the Big Bang is correct, it's still going at approximately 45 miles per second. Go ahead, look it up if you don't believe me. I find it difficult to believe that our planet is the big show. We haven't even gotten beyond the moon, for crying out loud. So no, I don't think we're very consequential in the big picture.

Have these beings visited us? I don't know. There are some great theories that I love, but I don't buy into them. All jokes aside, there aren't good reasons to visit us. I'm going to use the word "alien" from here on out because it's easier. That in mind, any alien with the technology to visit us would need a good reason, and we don't have any. It's laughable that they would come for our resources, and yes, that is rich coming from the author of And Jesus Came Back, in which aliens invade for our resources. The same resources that have not helped us get beyond the moon? What is that to someone who has traveled across how much space?

I like the Annunaki theory because it states that our very existence is to serve these godlike beings from another world. It's essentially what my favorite Star franchise is all about. (That being -gate.) But why waste their resources to come here simply to bend us to their will. And what, exactly, would we be doing for them that they couldn't just handle wherever they come from?

But what if aliens did invade? That's been a concern in some circles of late, with Spielberg's Disclosure Day coming out, possibly to be accompanied by Trump's real life version of it. Would they be here to be friends or foes?

I think they'd be indifferent, but what if they did invade? Do you think your state will survive?

I read this article a while ago, and you should give it a glance. It'll tell you the odds of your state making it through an alien invasion. The first reaction to this kind of thing is, does my state make it? Illinois isn't in the top 10. Out of 100? That's all right, but out of 50? What the hell? Is this just an excuse to talk shit about my home state? I can do that. I can do that all I want, but fuck whoever put this list and/or study together. What do you mean, Alaska's in the top 10 and the Land of Lincoln can go fuck itself?

But that's a kneejerk reaction. The secret to living a reasonably sane life is to ignore those reactions. Almost everyone in America can't do that. It's impossible.

And I think that's why articles like this exist. What other purpose does it serve but to bait people into engagement, which translates all too readily to putting them at each others throats?

I read a lot of articles. One of the things that pisses me off is when I discover, after I've already clicked on a link, that it was "written" by AI. But that is nothing compared to the disdain I have for actual living people who write articles with the express purpose of farming people's attention, never caring that it pits people against each other. I chose this article because it's fairly innocuous, so it's easy to poke fun of it. But this is the kind of shit that happens in articles about real stuff all the time.

All in the name of keeping us so busy with each other that we never notice the Leland Gaunt pulling the strings and wiring us against each other.

If something in the media makes you feel rage, especially if it's pointing that rage at a person or a group of people, feel free to call bullshit on it. Because that's what it is.

This Public Service Announcement is brought to you by the helplessness I feel in an unjust world that will never be just.

The thing that really irritates me about that article is that it assumes each individual state is fighting the invasion on their own. No matter how bad things get, there's no way the states in any given area wouldn't unite somehow to face the invasion together. I feel like there's a name for this . . .

And not just that. What about the rest of the world? Are they sitting on their thumbs? I kind of doubt it.

The likeliest outcome of an invasion is us serving our new alien overlords. Just in case we don't already do that.

No, that's it. I'm done.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #886: MORE THOUGHTS ON ALIENS

 Remember last week, the GF column I wrote about people looking up at the sky? I didn't miss the aliens. I still have no idea what that was all about, but it wasn't aliens, unfortunately.

So where are the aliens? Perhaps all those flying saucer and anal probe stories are true. I'm not inclined to believe that, though. I loved Communion, but I don't think it's a true story. Sorry to Whitley Streiber fans. I also loved Fire in the Sky, but those guys eventually came out and said they made it up. So I don't put too much faith in those stories.

Is it possible the aliens never visited? It's likely they haven't. The universe is a big place, and we're in an isolated corner of it. It would be cool if they had visited, but I doubt it. Chances are, if their civilization is advanced beyond ours, they have their own James Webb telescope but better. If that's the case, maybe they've been watching us much like we would watch a trainwreck. How can they be this crazy and still think they're civilized? Or even better, aliens think the earth is a bad neighborhood, and they don't want to get mugged or have their flying saucer stolen.

So maybe if we don't get our act together the aliens will NEVER come and visit. Which means we need to stop kicking each other in the nuts whenever we get the chance. Perhaps we should stop indiscriminately killing one another? How about we stop shouting platitudes and Political Views (TM) and possibly work toward fixing things and getting along?

I've gone over this before, but not out of desperation for us to meet aliens. If that's what it's going to take, we need to get our collective shit together. I want to meet the aliens, dammit. You probably do, too. Let's meet the aliens. Together.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #882: IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S . . .

 . . . I don't know. But I'm pretty confused. More confused than the guy who thought Superman was a bird or a plane. Jeez, guy.

On my way home from work I saw a bunch of people looking up into the sky, and I wondered what they were looking at. If I still had my old Civic I could use the sunroof to find out, but in my Accord all I see is the ceiling. As I got closer to home, I saw a bunch of cop cars parking in the general vicinity of my home, and they were all getting out to look at the sky.

Goddammit, what if this is the day aliens finally show up, and these neighbors and cops are all looking at a flying saucer? Am I going to miss the aliens? That's bullshit! Or it could be a weird light show like the one in Day of the Triffids or Christmas with the Dead, so maybe me not being blind or a zombie, respectively, is good news.

I drove past my elementary school, and there were maybe four cops in the west parking lot looking up at the sky. When that many cops get together it's usually bad news for someone, possibly even me. And it made me think back to one of my previous jobs.

I was tech support for Call One, a telecom company. The receptionist quit without putting in her two weeks, and I was recruited to cover the front desk until they could get a replacement. And that took a lot of time.

But the groups of cops today made me think about the day that about 6-8 of them showed up at the office asking to see one of my coworkers. I was advised to not tell him that the cops were there to see him, and as they kept an eye on me, I was unable to warn him. When the City of Chicago sends that many cops to arrest you, they're really worried about something.

But the cops milled about, and the CEO's secretary came up to talk with them about what was going on. Later, when she was telling the story to someone else, she said I looked very nervous when the cops were here. That might have something to do with the fact that every time I've dealt with cops outside of my City of Elmhurst job, they were there specifically to make my life miserable, and it pleased me whenever I could turn that around on them. I would never gloat. You can't. But if you play dumb you can reverse it on them, and they won't do anything about it. Your mileage may vary, so don't do this unless you're sure of yourself.

But the real reason I was so nervous was because all of those cops were armed. Also, did I mention they were CPD? So yeah, they've probably had the chance to pull those guns, maybe even the chance to pull those triggers. Maybe the chance to pull those triggers while aiming those guns at someone.

I really, really don't like cops, especially groups of them. I consider a group to be more than 2 of them, although 2 are plenty dangerous as it is. I don't like being around armed people who are very likely to shoot people if they haven't already. So yeah, I wasn't exactly in the best of moods that morning.

They arrested my coworker, but whatever it was didn't stick. Have I mentioned that cops are objectively bad at their jobs?

Oh yeah, when I got home I checked the skies. I saw nothing. It wasn't a bird, it wasn't a plane, it wasn't even Superman. I feel like one of the guys from Ernest P. Worrell's family album special, the one who was always certain that the gambler had nothing. Which he did. And the skies held more of the same for me today.

Dammit. I better not have missed aliens.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #714: I WANT TO BELIEVE

 I'm a sucker for aliens, and seeing as how UFOs (or whatever they're calling them these days) are big in the news right now, it's kind of cool being me for a little bit. For the record, I do believe in aliens. As to whether or not they've visited us? I'm up in the air on that. I'm pretty sure they haven't. But it's starting to look like I might have been wrong about that last part.

My favorite podcast, hands down, is Hardcore History, and I get Dan Carlin's Substack. In the most recent one he talks about aliens. It's a weird topic for him if you've listened to as many HH episodes as I have. And it took me a while for me to realize why he was talking about aliens and UFOs, etc. And it really blew my mind because I'd never thought about it like that before. Here's the passage I'm talking about:

For me, I have my own pet hope if the big alien reveal happens in my lifetime. If extraterrestrial life is real, and if it has indeed been visiting our planet for a very long time, they likely are going to know more about our history than we do. They might have the equivalent of photos, or hi-definition videos of major planetary events. Their “History of the Earth” files would answer questions about our past that we didn't even know to ask. They might even have the capabilities that would allow us to travel back and see the long-gone people and events from centuries or millennia ago. Of course this sounds like the most ridiculous, crazy science fiction fantasy imaginable. Which is why it might blow our minds if in the near future it wasn't science fiction anymore.

HOLY SHIT! The thought that aliens might have footage of our history that WE don't even have makes me feel like this guy right now:

Dammit, Oppenheimer! Not again!

What if the aliens were there on the day Jesus got crucified AND they have video of it? What would you give for hi-def video of the CIVIL FUCKING WAR?! I'm positive aliens did not build the pyramids. I totally believe that slaves did that. But what if aliens have the proof of that?

Please let this be true. I need this to be true. And please let us find out about it before I die. I beg of you, world.

Of course, that's assuming that the aliens aren't interested in doing us like ID4 and Mars Attacks. But even if they do, I might find some comfort in at least seeing a photograph of Aaron Burr before they blast me with their death rays.