Wednesday, July 8, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1082: 12 MONKEYS

 


I remember when I saw the movie, 12 Monkeys, in the theater on opening night. It was a perfect time travel flick, and it made sense 100% of the, uh, time, which is unusual for such fare. If you want to impress friends with movie trivia, did you know that one of the two writers of this movie also wrote Unforgiven?

Anyway, when they announced a TV series was being made out of it, I had to wonder how. How could they stretch that story out over the course of a season, much less more than one? They did a pretty good job of it, and the show went off in a lot of crazy and unexpected directions.

But I lost Syfy before I could watch the final season. My provider dropped the channel for whatever reasons, and ever since I've wondered how they ended the show. When I gave up cable for streaming, I always kept an eye out, hoping someone would eventually have it.

And now, while watching the new season of From and the final season of Billy the Kid, I discovered MGM+ had it. At first I thought, I remember enough of the show. I can probably just plunge myself back into it with nothing more than the previously-on walkthrough.

That was a terrible idea. I'd forgotten so much about the first few seasons that I really should have started from the beginning, but I didn't have time for that. I'm not going to pay for another month just so I can do that. The problem is, I am a completely different person from the guy who watched those first seasons. Number one among the changes: I no longer drink three-quarters of a handle every night. No wonder my memories were hazy. I was probably blacked out when I watched a majority of 12 Monkeys.

Cumulatively I'm missing about a decade's worth of my life. It's not like I turned 30 and boom, the next thing I know, I'm 40. There are bits and pieces I recall, but booze effectively erased a lot of that decade. It's more like 33 to 43, maybe 44.

So picking up the show again after so much time was surreal to me. The time travel show sort of . . . sent me back in time. I had the sensation of being that person again for the first three episodes to the point where I reached for my drink once and recoiled in horror at it *not* being whiskey.

As for the show itself, I managed to get back into the correct mindframe when that feeling of time travel faded, and I understood the story again. I recalled more until I realized there was a plot twist I'd been waiting for when I watched back in the day. The twist did, indeed, come but it was not the twist I expected. Related, sure, but different nonetheless. I won't say what it was, in case you planned on watching at some point, but I thought Cole would somehow turn out to be his own father--like a test tube baby, not the other way--hence his importance as a paradox to the story. I was close, but that didn't turn out to be the case. The actual twist is pretty sweet, though, and you should give it a shot.

In fact, the whole show is just great. If you have MGM+, check it out.

Monday, July 6, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1081: A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY

 We recently, as a nation, celebrated a most historical birthday. I can't believe such a concept has survived for this long. It really is astonishing, when you think about all the years that have passed since this grand notion found its feet and started to walk, then run. When I think about the whole thing, I stand mute in awe.

I am, of course, referring to Goodnight, Fuckers. Believe it or not, as of today I've been writing these things for twelve years. In another year it will be allowed to watch the PG-13 classic, My Stepmother is an Alien. Happy birthday, GF!

Twelve years ago I began this thing without warning. Usually if I start to do something, I at least introduce the concept so everyone knows what to expect. Nope. I charged in with something exceptionally personal that I should absolutely never have shared with anyone under any circumstances.

Don't click on this. Seriously, don't. If you must know, I'll TL;DR it for ya: I developed early as a child, and when I was writing one of my Hardy Boys rip-offs on my mom's piano bench, I had an orgasm. I wasn't doing anything other than writing. It just sort of happened. There. See? Don't click that link. There are more details if you do.

I never quite intended GF to become what it did. I thought I was mapping out who I was in case any future archaeologist wanted to know. That kind of stuff still happens, but I never intended the political stuff and the history lessons and the oh-look-at-this-weird-shit profiles to be more than just points of interest instead of the whole point.

All in all, I'm proud of all that stuff. I'm glad this is how it worked out. Not all 1,081 of these things are good--can't all be zingers--but twelve years of purposely spilling my brain on the internet is pretty good, all things considered.

And GF cannot be killed. I've tried to stop on several occasions, but it's more stubborn than *I* am, and that is saying a fuck-ton. So I guess I'll still be writing these for the rest of my life.

Brace yourselves. To quote Frank Reynolds(ish):



Saturday, July 4, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1080: PLAYBOY 2

 I've gathered a few more images for my ongoing revisit of Playboy magazine. I've been going through my collection, saving the issues that are important to me, rereading about what life was like in the early 2000s. So here's more of what I've found.



President Creep doing what he does.


Looks like this was a new article published posthumously. And no, wrong Robert Crane. That one died a long time ago.


Ah jeez.


I wonder if Vidal would still say that if he was alive today.


Vidal really knew how to charm our corporate overlords.


"MADLY IN LOVE WITH BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


I like to think that Elvis would have appreciated having Nic Cage as a son-in-law. He probably knew, too. After all, Elvis is probably still alive . . .


Jim Carrey is going to turn 90 in 2052. I'll obviously be gone by then, so someone planning to live that long: please check back on this. And then have your kids check back on him when he turns 120, please and thank you.


This is how I first read Chuck Palahniuk's infamous story, "Guts."



Speaking of the Joker . . .

OK, I think that's enough for now. I'll get back to this again some other time. I did find quite a few doozies including the Donald Trump interview . . .

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1079: HYALURONIC ACID



 I don't give much of a shit about sports of any kind, so this sort of news flies waaaaaaaay under my radar, but when I saw a headline regarding skiers who have found an innovative way of cheating, I had to take a look at it. Quite honestly, I think these guys shouldn't be punished. They've suffered enough.

Because ski jumpers have learned to inject hyaluronic acid into their dicks. A lot of it, from what I understand. That's got to be punishment enough.

How the fuck does this help a ski jumper cheat? An excellent question, one of the first I asked, myself. It turns out that, much like fighters in boxing or UFC, skiers have to be weighed and measured because the regulators want to ensure that their outfits have a tight fit. If they don't, then a loose flap of cloth will help them out aerodynamically, giving them more distance.

So if you walk in with a fat hog for your fitting, when your equipment sheds the acid it will be back to normal size, and the cloth between your legs will hang just enough to give you that advantage.

I have no idea how the hell anyone figured this out, much less got caught. How did that go down, exactly? Perhaps a trainer one day said, "Dude, if I shove this needle into your dick, it's gonna swell up so much that" etc. So of course the other guy has to say, "DUDE! That's awesome! Stick me, bro!"

And then a judge has to go, "Hm. That's weird. He got more distance than he should have. I think his crotch is flapping in the breeze. Hey, wait a minute! Did he inject his cock with hyaluronic acid so it would swell up and we'd get an inaccurate reading of his crotch area during his fitting? Now if only I can catch him red-handed so I can prove it . . ."

I watched Cemetery Man. I didn't need to see the needle go into his penis to feel the pain. But even that's not the worst of it, because if you get the dosage wrong, you might disfigure your dong. It might not stand at attention anymore. It could cause you "penile discomfort," whatever the fuck that means.

You could also get infected and have to have your dick amputated.

Could you imagine having to explain that to your friends? "Yeah, I got gangrene and had to get my dick removed."

"Jesus Christ, man. How the hell did you get gangrene? What did you do to yourself?"

"I wanted an extra meter on my ski jump, so I stuck seventy cc's of acid into my . . .  you know what? It's a long story."

It brought back memories of the guy who went in for a circumcision only to wake up from the surgery without his glans. The doctor at the time said he'd found cancer in it, so he made an executive decision. What I think happened is, he cut a little too far down by mistake. It would have been a simple matter of asking the patient's wife for permission to amputate, which he didn't do despite the fact that she was on hand.

Which reminds me, John Wayne Bobbitt is back in the news. People Magazine thought to ask what he's been up to. Turns out, he lost a few more body parts. This is allegedly related to his service as a Marine . . . at the dreaded Camp Lejeune.



I did not expect this to be heavy on penis trauma. I just thought it was pretty funny that the Winter Olympics had a scandal called Penisgate, which was going to be the title of this GF, but I didn't want you to know that off the bat. At least now you know . . .


You know the rest.


Friday, July 3, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1078: PLAYING MUSK

 It's been a staple of SF for so long I'm not sure I even remember when I first heard about the concept of terraforming a planet. I suspect it was Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, but I don't know for sure. All the same, it seems like the only way we'll be able to live on planets within our reach. Because outside of our solar system? That's a pipe dream, at least for now.

The most obvious subject would be Mars, and Elon Musk has been jacking himself off thinking about making that planet habitable for humans. Whether he's doing it for altruistic purposes (for humanity) or dictatorial purposes (the first private person to make it there gets to rule the planet), I'll leave up to your imagination. You know my thoughts on this.

But how likely is it to actually transform Mars from the wasteland it currently is to a thriving planet-wide metropolis? Is it even possible?

Why not try your hand at playing Musk? Nature put together a simulation. Go ahead. See how successful you are.

It's harder than it seems. I generally have a good understanding of science, and it was a lot harder than I expected. In fact I scored 50%, which would be a solid F- if I was still in school.

Brave enough to share your results in the comments?

Wednesday, July 1, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1077: HOGAN'S HEROES


 I watched a lot of classic TV shows when I was a kid, always in reruns, as I wasn't alive for the first-run episodes. My favorites were the westerns, but I also loved stuff like Dennis the Menace and My Three Sons and Laugh-In, etc. I wasn't into Hogan's Heroes because, at the time, I believed history was boring.

Due to the recent political climate I thought it would behoove me to watch the whole series, and I got what I wanted, but I also got something very unexpected.

In this very space I've compared Trump to Schultz, in the "I KNOW NOTHING!" sense. It's a bad comparison, as Trump has more in common with the Dunning-Kruger-ish Klink, but even that doesn't hold up. I'll get to that soon, but what really impressed me was Hogan's MO.

In case you're unfamiliar, Col. Hogan is a POW in a Luftwaffe prisoner camp. He's the ranking officer, so he's in charge of his fellow occupants, among them Kinch, the comms officer; Newkirk, a horny Brit; LaBeau, an equally horny Frenchman; and Carter, an idiot who is somehow an explosives expert. They're not there simply because they got caught. Allied intelligence put them there as a sabotage squad, and they chose Stalag 13 because the commandant, Col. Klink, and his second in command Sgt. Schultz, are exceptionally stupid. So they have no idea about the comm tower Hogan has in their own flagpole, the network of tunnels under the camp and even the submarine Hogan has at his beck and call.

Klink and Schultz (and a few other regulars) are so inept that Hogan is able to easily pull off his missions. The first season is the best. The others are good, but the cons they pulled then required all the Nazis to be stupid. That first season? Even smart people would fall for the shit Hogan and his friends pulled.

Hogan's Heroes is about Allied prisoners tricking Nazis for a laff riot, but only on the surface. It's really about how to manipulate people into doing your bidding. I suspect the show's creators worked for the CIA--or maybe they continued in that capacity while filming!--they are that good at depicting manipulation.

There's a buzzword that I despise, but I'm going to use it because no other will suffice. Hogan specializes in "psyops."

A psyop is the use of propaganda to influence a person or group of persons into doing things they ordinarily wouldn't do. Short for "psychological operations," it's how the military approaches things in regions where American "interests" just so happen to belong to other nations. These days the phrase is almost exclusively used by YouTube con artists trying to teach you how to influence people.

Which is fairly simple when you understand human nature, and Hogan does, very much so. He knows to appeal to ego without sucking up. Never ask questions but make observations that offer opportunities to explain or correct. Give pieces of evidence but don't connect them, leaving your target to connect the dots and therefore feel clever for doing so. Etc.

The thing that stops most people from doing this is a lack of confidence, ie. the word "con" is short for in "con artist." It's shocking what you can make people believe if you sound like you know what you're talking about. If you're good at this, people won't even check your work.

Luckily Hogan's cup of confidence floweth over . . . and spilleth all over the floor.* He's so confident he routinely tells Klink what he's up to *for real* and Klink always dismisses it as a joke. Hogan is digging tunnels under the stalag? Very funny. But confidence alone won't do it. The key to getting someone to do something they wouldn't normally do is to find a way to fit that thing into their worldview and feed them enough disinformation to make it feel like the righteous thing to do. It helps to also mold that worldview if you can help it, and in that first season, this last bit is where Hogan excels.

This show was on for six years, so it did get old after a while, but one of the reasons it lasted so long was because Klink and Schultz, despite being Nazis and exceptionally stupid, are kind of likeable. Or, at least, you can't hate these fools. It's clear they didn't know about the Final Solution, for example. Klink got his rank because of family connections, and his position keeps him safe from the horrors of the Russian front, where the deadliest fighting of WWII occurred. Somehow his cowardice redeems him, which would be next to impossible on any other show. The same goes for Schultz. He enjoys the simple things in life. Actually fighting in a war? That's unthinkable to him. All he wants to do is eat and relax. It's difficult to understand how he got so far as a sergeant. He doesn't know anyone in High Command, nor does he have important relatives.

Hogan's Heroes naturally didn't know they were getting canceled, so we never get to see the end of his operations. Over the course of the years, guests he helped escape to England always wanted to know why he never escaped himself. Hogan always said that when it came time to leave, he would walk out the front gate in full view of everyone. I really wanted to see that moment of victory. Ah well.

As with The Rat Patrol, I did find myself wondering what happened to everyone after the war. I'm not going to get too much into that. I like to think Newkirk and LaBeau remained best friends and spent much of their civilian life in pubs and maybe some brothels, too. Carter probably went home and became a cop. I imagine Kinch became an engineer. Schultz went home to his wife and had a passel of children exactly like him.

Klink probably got captured and put on trial for war crimes. Not that he actually did any of them, but I suspect General Burkhalter framed Klink for *his* crimes. And so he hanged at Nuremburg with Julius Streicher and friends.

As for Hogan? Who knows? Maybe I'll write about him, too, someday.

__________________________

*I forgot who I stole that joke from. I suspect it was Mel Brooks, as I am currently reading his memoir, but I don't recall for sure.

Tuesday, June 30, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1076: OUR SECRET

 If you're reading this, it's our secret. Shhhhhhh. I'm testing something. To quote a great man:



As you were. Goodnight, you lovely fuckers.

Thursday, June 25, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1075: A CLOSED MIND

 It's a little surprising how easily an open mind can snap shut like a trap. You might not even notice it happen. And then one day you find yourself in an argument, and someone accuses you of having a closed mind, and after you think about it, you realize holy shit. They're right.

When I was a kid I swore I'd never grow up to be like an adult in a horror movie. You know what I mean. The guy who won't believe the kids that there's a monster on a killing spree. Usually it's a cop or a parent, but it could be anyone.

I wanted to be more like Gary Busey in Silver Bullet. He didn't necessarily believe Corey Haim, but he played along and got the surprise of his life. Because he did this and was thus prepared, he survived the fight (unlike, say, John Vernon in Killer Klowns from Outer Space).

(Spoiler, I guess.)

But the thing about getting older is, the more years that pass, the more you think you know everything, especially when it comes to what you believe to be impossible. Because you've gone through so much, you think you know what reality is like, and your mind closes to anything that can't fit into your worldview.

This is something I'm prone to, and I'm also an obstinate son of a bitch. I give no ground when I think I know something. Do you know how long it took me to recognize this about myself, despite everyone I've ever argued with telling me about it to my face? Forty fucking years. Unfortunately getting your mind stuck in this state makes you more likely to make knee-jerk reactions.

I recently mentioned in this space that not responding with a knee-jerk reaction is the key to a saner life. It's also the key to a better understanding of the universe, the key to having an open mind.

The Trump Administration specializes in causing knee-jerk reactions. This is what they want. They want people freaking out and saying angry things, and we easily fall into their trap. People I know for a fact who would never threaten someone's safety or lives routinely wish death on Trump or anyone in his Cabinet of Douchebags and Sychophants. Sometimes this extends to anyone wearing a MAGA hat regardless of their ability to influence those around them.

The reason they want you to do that to them is so they can point at you and say, "See? They're monsters. They think we're subhuman. They want us dead." They don't even have to incite violence at that point. Once that idea is in the MAGA head, the job is done. Any crime they commit against those who wish them dead is an act of self-defense in their eyes.

Knee-jerk reaction = falling into their trap. So the next time these assholes make you angry, stop. Think. What do they want me to feel? How do they want me to act on those feelings? And who benefits from how I act? However you respond, remain calm. Don't panic. You have to take this tool out of their toolbox because it's cheap and stupid, but more importantly it is efficient.

The MAGAs have been sold a bill of goods. They think the left wants them dead because [place reason of the week here]. When you respond to Trump with violent rhetoric, you're giving him exactly what he wants. The key to getting that prick out of office is in his followers. Almost everyone has turned their backs on him. All he has left is the very small group of loyalists who won't believe anything you say, anyway. The Iran . . . adventure? . . . is a major nail in his coffin. All appearances to the contrary, he's on the ropes. He knows he's fucked if the midterms don't go his way. He flat-out begged his followers to vote Republican or "I'll get impeached." And if that happens, he'll have nothing to fall back on but the dementia act I think he's trying to run on us so he can avoid prison time when this is over. He stole everything else from Reagan. Why not steal the whole "I don't recall" thing?

Nearly everyone now sees the man behind the curtain for what he really is, but there are still people who hang on his every word. Please. Stop giving him ammunition to use against us. Because when he's gone, those diehards will still be around. If the spell finally breaks for them, we want them back in the fold. Because this is America, and despite the last ten years or more? We are all in this together. We don't have to like each other, but we do have to get along.

Wednesday, June 24, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1074: A SPECIAL REPORT

 I can't believe it. I achieved something I didn't think I'd live to see. Remember, I thought I'd be dead by now. This means I have a chance. I actually have a chance!


When I finished reading The Black Star Passes by John W. Campbell, I finished the second (of three) notebook of my reading list. The third is only half full, and since I haven't been able to afford many new books lately, I'm not adding much to it.

I might actually finish my reading list before I die. Holy shit, that's huge!

When I was a kid I put together a list of all the books I owned. That was the first page and a half of the list. I was able to add to my personal collection thanks to several factors. The Hillside Public Library usually had a good rack of used paperbacks you could get for fifty cents each. Then there was the Book Exchange in Berkley, my favorite used bookstore of all time. You could get used hardcovers there for a couple of bucks each, and paperbacks were usually a quarter. And then there was the single biggest contributor to my collection: the annual Elmhurst Public Library sales. They'd give you a paper grocery bag, and you could fill it to the brim with as many books as you possibly could, and you'd pay five bucks for the bag. Every year I'd go home with five or six bags.

When I got my first job (at the Elmhurst Public Library, by the way), I only had two expenses: my student loans and books, except now I could afford to get books at actual stores like Borders. And when I got my first big boy office job? Think of all the books I got in those days before I had real life expenses like rent and groceries, etc. By then I realized I'd never live to finish my list, and I didn't even have two full notebooks yet.

But now I have a new problem. I'm having sight issues. I'm not going blind, per se, but I have huge floaters in both eyes, and they're so big it's next to impossible to blink them out of the way. I'm starting to have difficulty in reading because of them. The only cure for floaters is to have a procedure done where, when they're finished, you have to lie face down in bed for two weeks with your eyes covered up. I can't afford to do that, money- and time-wise. If I do that, I will lose my home.

So now it's just not a matter of living long enough to finish that last notebook. I also have to read it all before I go blind. This victory, though, has given me hope. I might actually succeed at doing this. And I've thought about what I would do if I ever finished the list. For the first time since I was a kid, I'd just go to the library and pick a book off the shelf. Or a bookstore, if we still have those in the future. It was always a pipe dream, but now that I have a chance?

Wish me luck.

















































In case you were wondering, the first book on my list was The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain. The copy I had back then was an old hardcover from the 1930's that I picked up from my stepfather (and it had Twain's real name on it for some reason), but now I have a replica of the first edition, and if you didn't know it, nearly all of Twain's books originally came with woodcut illustrations. For some reason, scholarly versions of the text leave those pictures out. They're pretty amazing. You should read the books as the author intended, with those pictures.

Thursday, June 18, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1073: DIMITSANA


 

As you know, I've been going through the family pictures before figuring out who should get them. I've saved pictures of people I don't know for last so I can do some detective work to find out who they were. This picture, among about a dozen others, was in an envelope addressed to Gramps in handwriting I now know belonged to his sister, Helen. She and a few relatives went to Greece in the 'Eighties, to Dimitsana in particular.

Gramps and his two sisters were first generation Americans. Their parents came to America in the 'Twenties (and I have their dad and theo's naturalization papers!), and they referred to Gramps as "their American son." Dimitsana is where they were from.

And that house above? Take a look at the back of the photo:


The John in question is Gramps. I was named after him. How many people have a picture of their great-grandfather's childhood home? And to find out that it's 300 years old? Holy shit. I also have his death certificate, so I know my great-great-grandfather was named Zaharis Kyriakopoulos. (No mother is listed.)

That leg of my family comes from a mountain town with more buildings that look like that one. In fact, here's another picture:


And here's the back:


Not sure who Dave is. All I know is, Dave's not here. Not a lot of people live in Dimitsana. Not even 800 souls populate the town, and Kyriakopoulos is a common name there. I almost certainly have blood relatives still living there. There were times when I was a kid when I thought, wouldn't it be weird to go to, say, Greece and look up the Kopoulos family? (I didn't know they shortened the name until I found the papers back in 2022.) Or maybe go back to Ireland and look up the Dunnes? (I actually did go to Ireland only to discover Dunne is one of the most common names in the country.) And then, because I know the least amount about the Bruni family, wouldn't it be nice to go to Italy and look them up?

(Three of my four grandparents were 100% one nationality. Grandma had a lot of diversity in her background, so I can't really pick a country to go back to for her family.)

Now that I've seen The White Lotus? Maybe not. I think that's probably the most realistic way something like that would go down. But it's nice to think about.

I've gone down some interesting paths looking up my family history. I'm pretty good with Mom's side. I come from families with names like Cota, Friend, Noanes, Demeroukas and so on. I just wish I'd thought to ask all the questions I have now back when Grandma and Gramps were still alive. My aunt is the only one older than me on that side of the family, and I've found she unfortunately doesn't have all the answers I'm looking for, just some of them.

Is anyone else at all curious about where they came from? Have you done research without resorting to stuff like Ancestry, etc.? So far I've done a lot of detective work without it, and I've done pretty good, but I'm reaching the brick wall point in my research. Any thoughts on what to do without sending my DNA off to a corporation that is most likely to use it in ways I couldn't possibly imagine?

And now I have an added bonus mystery, this one from Grandma's side of the family. I was under the impression all my life that the one great-grandparent I'd come closest to meeting was Grandma's mom. The reason I had that impression was because Grandma told me, herself. I found something today which she might not have been aware of. I asked my aunt, "When did Grandma's dad die?" She said she didn't know and didn't think Grandma knew, either.

The thing I found? Grandma's mom's death certificate. On it she is listed as married, not widowed. I learned lately that Grandma's parents separated early in her life. I know her dad didn't go too far because I found a picture of him with Grandma's sister sitting in his lap at the 50th anniversary of Grandma's maternal grandparents. That was back in the 'Fifties, and her mom would die in February 1978.

Because next to that MARRIED space on her mom's death certificate? It says she was survived by her spouse!

It is possible that he and I lived on this planet at the same time. I have tried everything to find out what happened to him, and I've come up with nothing. The internet has no idea whatever happened to Harold McKinley Cota, Sr. All I can find is Harry, Grandma's brother. So yeah, any suggestions?

Wednesday, June 17, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1072: BILLY THE KID


 

I recently got MGM+ again because FROM has a new season. I'm all caught up now. and I'm canceling after the season finale. But they also have BILLY THE KID, and I just watched the final season. (I also noticed they have the show, 12 MONKEYS. I lost cable before the final season aired, so I'm finally getting to watch that. I'll probably write about that experience at some point soon, because it's a little bizarre for me.)

When I first started watching BILLY THE KID, I was pleasantly surprised to see it was written by Michael Hirst. I love his historical shows, like The Tudors and Vikings. Now that he's turned his attention to one of my favorite western outlaws? I was all in.

And I watched as it did its best to distance itself from the Young Guns movies. I can't tell you how much I love those two flicks. But because they're such an important part of the legend, this show needs to steer the boat its own way.

Hirst obviously loves history, but he's not beholden to it. If it comes down to a decision between what really happened (or at least the agreed upon facts) and what makes more sense for the story, he will always go with the latter, never the former. So you can't watch his stuff and expect an accurate history lesson, but he gets the spirit of history rather than the letter.

So the whole time I watched this show, my biggest question was, is he going to go the Brushy Bill route? If you don't know, back in the 'Fifties, an old man named Brushy Bill Roberts claimed to be Billy the Kid, that Pat Garrett hadn't killed him, and that he'd been keeping a low profile for decades. He had a lot of scars that line up with injuries Billy the Kid was known to have had. There were still a few Old West outlaws alive at the time, and when they trotted Brushy Bill out in front of them, they more or less agreed: this really was Billy the Kid. But in an age where DNA testing didn't exist, and the actual location of Billy the Kid's corpse was unknown, it couldn't be definitively proved.

Here there be spoilers. If you're going to watch the show, you'd best stop here. If you've seen it, or you don't give a fuck, please continue.

After Pat Garrett shoots Billy and leaves, Billy still breathes, and a friend rushes to get him out of there. I thought, YES! They're doing Brushy Bill! Because I believe that he really was Billy the Kid. I think that's legitimately part of the story.

But Hirst actually *doesn't* do Brushy Bill. He takes a much bigger swing at history. Like, I'm talking a Babe Ruth kind of swing.

Because later, after Billy is nursed back to health, HE GOES BACK TO GET REVENGE ON PAT GARRETT. He flat out guns Garrett down, and that's it.

Holy fuck, that is huge. It then occurred to me that I actually didn't know how Pat Garrett died. I never had much interest in the guy, although I tend to agree with Young Guns 2, that Garrett was in on Billy faking his death. So I looked it up, and Garrett died under mysterious circumstances, much like the real life Johnny Ringo. In fact, it's very similar to the swing Tombstone takes when it suggests that Doc Holliday killed Johnny Ringo. I've read up on the subject, and the popular belief is that he committed suicide. I think that's the case. But we don't know for sure, just like we don't know who actually killed Garrett.

Could it have been Billy the Kid? If you believe the Brushy Bill story, like I do, then it's within the realm of possibility.

But then Hirst follows it with Billy going up against Thomas Catron, the local politician that was hellbent on eliminating Billy and his Regulators. In the series finale he shoots Catron in the head, which simply did not happen. Catron went on to become a US Senator and died in 1921. But that is par for the Hirst course. It made for a good ending to the series, something that ties up all the loose threads but wasn't necessarily true.

I'm certain that, if he went on for another episode, he would have depicted Brushy Bill. In the end Billy literally--and I mean LITERALLY, not figuratively as many people use that word today--rides off into the sunset with his wife and kid.

That last episode was good. It wrapped up everything. But I don't think it was great, which is also par for the Hirst course EXCEPT FOR THE TUDORS. That show had a final episode that was awe-inspiringly beautiful, one of those moments that takes your breath away. The only reasonable response is to stare in astonishment and silence.

BILLY THE KID was a lot of fun. I'd recommend it.

Thursday, June 11, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1071: FUCKED NEW WORLD

 



Can we please leave the horny spam to actual human beings instead of AI? I got the email above not too long ago. In case you can't read it, it's from Strong Dick, and the subject is SLAUGHTER HER PUSSY TILL SHE LOSES HER VOICE. What in the actual fuck?

I can't imagine that was written by a human being. When it comes to sex, one of the last verbs that would ever occur to me, if at all, would be "slaughter." But to "slaughter" someone's "pussy" until they're no longer capable of speaking? Number one: why would you want that? And two: why would you want to do that to someone?

At least when some financial prisoner in a call center half a world away sends me an email, I know it will be the usual. "Hey sexy" or "get hard with rhino horns" or "wanna fuck?" and so on. I almost said TEN BUCK PHONE FUCK, but that's not necessarily a spam email. It's more like an ad in a porno magazine.

And while I'm on the subject, porn sites need to stop with the AI advertising. It's creepy as fuck, looking in their fake eyes desperately trying to not look fake. I want to go back to the game that will make me cum in five seconds, or the lonely housewife in my area. At least I know that's a human being trying to take advantage of me instead of an AI trying to get me all horned up.

I get it. A lot of people are lonely. But there's no way anyone is falling for this shit, right? Right?

RIGHT?!














































Wouldn't it be creepy if an AI left a thirst trap comment on this post?


UPDATE!

The day after I posted this GF, I got two more spam emails trying to horn me up. Can you figure out which one, based on the criteria mentioned above, I actually appreciated?


In case you can't read it, the one from Addison says, "She wants it now: Buy a beer, take a cock in my mouth!" The one from Emery says, "Fuck her till she screams." I'll give you a moment to think about it. Meet me at the bottom in ten seconds . . .






































I did not appreciate Emery because I think he's AI trying to horn me up. I'm guessing it's trying to sell me boner pills. I'm guessing AI thinks fucking someone until they scream is something living, breathing people want. I *did* appreciate Madison, because I'm certain that's an actual human being trying to take advantage of me, like in the good ol' days. The weird phrasing is probably due to mistranslation. The smaller print refers to a meter as a "metre," and I think this person is trying to say, "Buy me a beer, and I'll blow you." Thank you, Addison. A+ for effort. Keep fighting the good fight. Don't let AI take your job.


Now there's more?


So . . . is your name Allison or Delilah? And my name is supposed to make you blush? John's probably not going to do it, but if I was named Alligator Fuckhouse?


Who is begging for my monster? Also, I have a monster? And she wants my monster to ruin her holes (or, for the more civilized, her pussy)? As for FUCK MY PUSSY TONIGHT, your pussy is boiling over? Surely you don't have boiling water--or anything else--in there, right? And I'm not sure if I can lend you my fucking. I don't like to let people borrow that. Sorry.

Wednesday, June 10, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1070: NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS

 I am 100% certain there are sentient beings living throughout the universe. Existence is a pretty fucking big place, and if the Big Bang is correct, it's still going at approximately 45 miles per second. Go ahead, look it up if you don't believe me. I find it difficult to believe that our planet is the big show. We haven't even gotten beyond the moon, for crying out loud. So no, I don't think we're very consequential in the big picture.

Have these beings visited us? I don't know. There are some great theories that I love, but I don't buy into them. All jokes aside, there aren't good reasons to visit us. I'm going to use the word "alien" from here on out because it's easier. That in mind, any alien with the technology to visit us would need a good reason, and we don't have any. It's laughable that they would come for our resources, and yes, that is rich coming from the author of And Jesus Came Back, in which aliens invade for our resources. The same resources that have not helped us get beyond the moon? What is that to someone who has traveled across how much space?

I like the Annunaki theory because it states that our very existence is to serve these godlike beings from another world. It's essentially what my favorite Star franchise is all about. (That being -gate.) But why waste their resources to come here simply to bend us to their will. And what, exactly, would we be doing for them that they couldn't just handle wherever they come from?

But what if aliens did invade? That's been a concern in some circles of late, with Spielberg's Disclosure Day coming out, possibly to be accompanied by Trump's real life version of it. Would they be here to be friends or foes?

I think they'd be indifferent, but what if they did invade? Do you think your state will survive?

I read this article a while ago, and you should give it a glance. It'll tell you the odds of your state making it through an alien invasion. The first reaction to this kind of thing is, does my state make it? Illinois isn't in the top 10. Out of 100? That's all right, but out of 50? What the hell? Is this just an excuse to talk shit about my home state? I can do that. I can do that all I want, but fuck whoever put this list and/or study together. What do you mean, Alaska's in the top 10 and the Land of Lincoln can go fuck itself?

But that's a kneejerk reaction. The secret to living a reasonably sane life is to ignore those reactions. Almost everyone in America can't do that. It's impossible.

And I think that's why articles like this exist. What other purpose does it serve but to bait people into engagement, which translates all too readily to putting them at each others throats?

I read a lot of articles. One of the things that pisses me off is when I discover, after I've already clicked on a link, that it was "written" by AI. But that is nothing compared to the disdain I have for actual living people who write articles with the express purpose of farming people's attention, never caring that it pits people against each other. I chose this article because it's fairly innocuous, so it's easy to poke fun of it. But this is the kind of shit that happens in articles about real stuff all the time.

All in the name of keeping us so busy with each other that we never notice the Leland Gaunt pulling the strings and wiring us against each other.

If something in the media makes you feel rage, especially if it's pointing that rage at a person or a group of people, feel free to call bullshit on it. Because that's what it is.

This Public Service Announcement is brought to you by the helplessness I feel in an unjust world that will never be just.













































The thing that really irritates me about that article is that it assumes each individual state is fighting the invasion on their own. No matter how bad things get, there's no way the states in any given area wouldn't unite somehow to face the invasion together. I feel like there's a name for this . . .





















And not just that. What about the rest of the world? Are they sitting on their thumbs? I kind of doubt it.

































The likeliest outcome of an invasion is us serving our new alien overlords. Just in case we don't already do that.


































No, that's it. I'm done.

Friday, June 5, 2026

FORT HILL REMAINS


 Leon Frank Czolgosz was born on May 5, 1873. He would not even be 30 by the time he died. In the brief years he was alive, he lived up to his own morals and never faltered, not even when death came at its court appointed hour. Many thought maybe he should have, undoubtedly the man who later told a crowd of people to stop beating the kid who had just shot him. His family couldn't understand why he did what he did. Czolgosz's brother asked him, in his prison cell the night before he died, "Who got you into this scrape?" And he couldn't believe it when Leon answered, "Nobody had anything to do with it but me."

We have some information on his early life, but nothing really sticks out. As we'll learn later, he was a perfectly healthy young man, so there wasn't something psychological lurking in there from birth. It seems that he took the first step down this path during the Panic of 1893. He'd been working in a steel mill in Cleveland when the Tariff Act of 1890 went into effect.

Back then the Republicans, like their modern counterparts, were very concerned with foreign competition in the American market, as the red-white-and-blue consistently lost that particular financial duel. To discourage Americans from importing goods, a Representative, who would eventually become the President of the United States, pushed for an average 50% tariff increase. This was known as "protectionism" back then.

Instead it became one of the leading reasons the economy took a nosedive. Soon Czolgosz found his wages reduced. And then gone entirely as the mill shut down.

Out of work, he moved back in with his father, dejected and angry, trying to think of what he could do next with his life. He seethed thinking about the corporate overlords and how the system was rigged in their favor, and the greedy bastards wanted EVEN MORE money. He viewed their mere existence as a crime against humanity. How dare they do this to the working class?

It was a lonely viewpoint, but he eventually found others who thought along similar lines. This led him to the Sila Club and anarchism.

And that led him to Emma Goldman, an activist who was once referred to as the "high priestess of anarchy." He saw one of her lectures in Cleveland and struck up a fast friendship with her. She introduced him around, but he didn't like them. They weren't as dedicated as he was. They didn't have the courage of their convictions, not like Czolgosz.

She brought him by the publishers of Free Society, an anarchist newspaper. If anyone was hardcore, it would surely be them. But Czolgosz got pushy. He wanted to join a secret society. If there was a handshake, he wanted to learn it. He couldn't keep it on the downlow, and instead of being welcomed with open arms, they shoved him away. It got so bad they thought he was a spy, and the paper warned other anarchists away from him:

ATTENTION! The attention of the comrades is called to another spy. He is well dressed, of medium height, rather narrow shoulders, blond and about 25 years of age. Up to the present he has made his appearance in Chicago and Cleveland. In the former place he remained but a short time, while in Cleveland he disappeared when the comrades had confirmed themselves of his identity and were on the point of exposing him. His demeanor is of the usual sort, pretending to be greatly interested in the cause, asking for names or soliciting aid for acts of contemplated violence. If this same individual makes his appearance elsewhere the comrades are warned in advance, and can act accordingly.

He was the real deal, though, despite the fake name he was going under: Fred Nieman (Polish for nobody). He absolutely believed the number one problem in America could be traced back to the rich getting richer off the backs of the poor. If only someone could fix that problem.

Inspiration struck, if you could call Gaetano Bresci a muse. In Italy he'd shot King Umberto dead. Bresci said he'd done it "for the sake of the common man." Czolgosz finally had a hero to look up to. To emulate. He even got the same kind of gun Bresci had used. All he needed was the opportunity.

Which he got on September 6, 1901 at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, NY. A powerful man was going to be meeting the public at the Temple of Music. The crowd was going to be huge. You can practically see the grin on young Czolgosz's face as he puts his gun in his pocket and gets in line to meet this great and consequential man.

After waiting what felt like forever, the crowd parted, and there stood Czolgosz's target, smiling and extending his hand to shake.

Instead Czolgosz slapped the hand away and fired his gun twice. The first hit a button and whizzed away. The second got President William McKinley in the guts, and the man who had written the Tariff Act of 1890, commonly known as the McKinley Tariff, staggered from the force.

Czolgosz tried to shoot a third time, but someone behind him hit his neck and knocked the gun away, and now every single man in the crowd piled on him, beating him mercilessly.

"I done my duty," he managed to say before the fists and clubs made mincemeat out of him.

"Go easy on him, boys," McKinley said.

The police intervened and protected Czolgosz as they took him to the station.

The wound itself wasn't bad. If McKinley had been shot today, he would have easily survived. The problem was, the surgeons couldn't find the bullet, so they stitched him up and discharged him. Did they disinfect it? No. They didn't know to do that. So septic shock set in, and he died.

As a result, Czolgosz was charged with Murder One. Weird to think about, considering the fame of his victim. 

Czolgosz did not cooperate with the alienist sent to examine him. Nor did he help his own defense attorneys. When he got to court, he proudly pled guilty for the crime of assassinating the president.

The judge disagreed. He essentially said, "I think you meant not guilty." And the trial proceeded as if Czolgosz had pled not guilty instead. Which is sheer lunacy. But if you look it up, a judge does, indeed, have the authority to override a guilty plea. The purpose of this is unclear, but Czolgosz seemed determined to accept his punishment for what he undoubtedly considered his civic duty. That would rob the public of a dramatic trial, though, and the judge in this instance could not tolerate that. To quote Vonnegut, "So it goes."

His lawyers didn't bother to try. They called no witnesses. Historians believe they were more interested in maintaining their own standing in the community rather than their client's best interests. They *did* try for an insanity plea. What sane man would shoot the president in front of hundreds of eyewitnesses? But the legal definition required Czolgosz to not know his acts were wrong, and he never grew weary of assuring the judge that he knew what he'd done was illegal.

It took a jury less than 30 minutes to find him guilty. He was sentenced to death shortly thereafter. His lawyers did not appeal because Czolgosz did not want to appeal.

The night before his execution, the warden sent a couple of priests to visit with him. He turned them away. The warden then forced him to see the priests. He did not listen to them. When his brother came to visit and asked if he was sure about rejecting the priests, Czolgosz said, "I don't want any of their damned religion." He added that his brother and family should not pray over him after he's dead.

On October 29, 1901, Leon Czolgosz fried in the electric chair. His last words: "I killed the President because he was the enemy of the good people--the good working people. I am not sorry for the crime. I am sorry I could not see my father."

His brother tried to claim the body to give Czolgosz a proper burial, but the warden denied him, not out of malice, but because he knew the crowd would try to accost him and steal the body.

An autopsy found Czolgosz was in good health at the time of his death, aside from scarring on his junk from a healed STD. When finished, they put his corpse in a coffin and filled it with sulfuric acid before burying it on the prison grounds. They burned all of his belongings to discourage souvenir seekers. They did not even put his name on his grave. Instead it's marked with a stone that simply says FORT HILL REMAINS.

The Exposition was torn down, and the spot where McKinley was shot in Buffalo is marked with a stone. The gun is in the Buffalo History Museum.

Emma Goldman was arrested as a co-conspirator, but she was released when the charges didn't pan out. She also wrote "The Tragedy of Buffalo," that being Czolgosz's arrest, not McKinley's death. She compared Czolgosz to Brutus, and McKinley to Caesar, "president of the money kings and trust magnates."

Later that same eventful year, Thomas Edison released a three and a half minute film called Excecution of Czolgosz with Panorama of Auburn Prison. It was a rather progressive touch. If Czolgosz had committed his crime ten years earlier, they would have simply sold postcards of his corpse with a tasteful sheet over everything from the neck down. They might have even done a stereoscope presentation for the patriot of discerning taste.

Things have not changed much since Czolgosz and McKinley met that one day in September. The money kings still run rampant, and the Brutuses spin their wheels. The same as it ever was. The former always get their way; the latter never do. Just ask a stone in Auburn, NY. And if you don't get an answer, don't bother to dig him up. Not even his bones remain. They were gone twelve hours after the acid was poured into his coffin, banishing every inch of him from the face of the earth.

Thursday, June 4, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1069: HEX AND ELMER MCCURDY


 

I didn't read Jonah Hex during the initial run. I wasn't alive for a lot of it, but when I found Lansdale's rendition, I had to hunt down the originals. I loved it, even though it was a western, not the weird western that Lansdale gave us. (Which is funny considering Jonah Hex regularly appeared in a comic called Weird Western Tales before handing the reins to Scalphunter.)

Imagine my horror when I read the last issue only to discover Hex, in which our antihero is transported to the distant future where he has SF adventures, laser blasters and all. It turned my stomach, but because I'm a completist, of course I read it. I found that it was almost entirely useless as a story.

Almost, but not quite. Because the final issue gave us clues as to Hex's fate. While he was still trapped in the future (and don't get me started on the more recent ones where he's hanging out in modern day Gotham City), he found something . . . interesting . . . in a warehouse. It proved that eventually he would get home, but it still did not bode well for him.

Hex found his own taxidermied corpse, posed like he'd just done a fast draw. How fucking cool is that? The series was worth it for this and this alone. And it was canon. When they revived Jonah Hex years after Lansdale's turn, they referred to his demise a few times. Hex's body traveled the carnival circuit, which isn't all that far fetched. Americans historically love displaying criminals' corpses. Think about how many visitors Dillinger got in that Chicago morgue, how many pictures were taken as souvenirs. In the Wild West it was common to have postcards of dead gunfighters, usually still holding the guns with which they plied their trade.

Imagine my surprise when I found out about Elmer McCurdy. He wasn't necessarily a Wild West outlaw. He came along a little too late for that, although he might have had a run in with Bill Tilghman of You Know My Name fame. When the cops gunned him down, the mortician refused to release the corpse without having his services paid for. When he realized he'd never recoup the loss, he dressed McCurdy's corpse up and put a gun in his hand and put him on display. Before long the corpse had been sold . . . to someone traveling the carnival circuit. McCurdy passed from owner to owner before being more or less abandoned in a warehouse. The only reason we know his story is fucking insane, especially if you're like me and were raised on stuff like The Six Million Dollar Man.

While filming an episode, a propman accidentally broke the arm off a mannequin . . . only to discover an actual human bone poking out of the "wound." They called the cops, and after doing some digging they discovered the truth about Elmer McCurdy, who somehow inspired one of the weirdest Jonah Hex stories ever. Well, weird yet still staying within the realm of the possible, that is.

He was buried in the Boot Hill section of an Oklahoma boneyard, appropriately, but if you want to see the man who entertained carnival goers for decades . . .



GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1068: BOB GREENE PISSED HERE


 

I graduated from Elmhurst College in 2000. That night our commencement speaker was a Chicago columnist named Bob Greene. I didn't learn that until I was sitting in the cold folding chair, hearing his name announced. I remember thinking, "Fuck Bob Greeene." I was a Royko man, all the way. I'd read some of Greene's work, and I didn't like it. Not one bit. If I had to choose a word for it, I'd pick "insipid." Although I might be a little too conservative with that choice.

He surprised me that night. He had a new book out, the one you see above, and he talked about his father's hero, Paul Tibbets. An odd hero, to be sure. He's the guy who piloted the plane that nuked Hiroshima. Not, in my eyes, hero material. Still, the story he told spoke to me and helped me articulate a recurring thought of mine that you're all very aware of. A year before I'd read a Readers Digest article--sitting on the toilet like God intended--about a man who had met a Civil War soldier who, when he was a boy, had met George Washington. I ripped it off for my story, "The Hand That Shook the World." But it wasn't until Greene's speech that I could put it into words: history is never far behind us.

Because, in preparing to write this book, he tracked down Tibbets and had many conversations with him, in particular about dropping the bomb. It lit up my brain, and the only thing that stopped me from going out and buying his book was my experience with his writing.

Two years later Greene fell from grace, which surprised everyone except the people he worked with. Apparently he'd allegedly had an affair with a 17-year-old high schooler. I remember thinking, "Fuck Bob Greene." Royko never did anything like that.

I found some pictures from my graduation night, which got me thinking about this. I wondered what Greene was up to now, and I found this article and learned, holy shit, he was a bigger scumbag than I thought. And I know this is not the worst of his behavior, but I found this part particularly galling:

The trouble was, in public comments Greene made it clear that sometimes he did not believe what he wrote. He was just finding an angle that would make a good column-draw attention, promote his career. He mixed candor and calculation so shrewdly that, looking back over his work, it is impossible to tell when he is being honest and when he is just reaching for effect.

And that's why I never liked his work. My bullshit detector was going off, and I didn't realize it at the time. Which means every fucking word he ever wrote is suspect. And now I'm wondering if he ever really met Paul Tibbets or if he made that up, too.

You may be wondering about the title of this one. In that article I linked to, it describes a sign in the bathroom at the university Greene went to. He probably pissed at Elmhurst College, too. If you read my Shit Poems, you know I occasionally write about pissing next to creators, or into toilets they used. For example, I've pissed with Peter Straub and Garth Ennis. I hope I didn't use the same urinal Greene did. Because fuck Bob Greene. Royko is the king of Chicago columnists, now and forever, amen.



















































There's just one more thing . . .


Only today did I realize that Greene talking about his book during the commencement speech was fucking weird. What does dropping the bomb on Hiroshima have to do with graduating college? That motherfucker used it as a promotional opportunity. Did my professor even notice that? If he did, he kept mighty quiet about it. If he was still alive, I'd ask him about it. Again, ah well.







































All right, one more thing, but that's it. Here's one of those graduation pictures I found:


Maybe a lifetime of classes left me deranged. Or, more likely, I just *am* deranged.

Thursday, May 28, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1067: BASS-ACKWARDS

 Of all the people Trump has given us, there's only one who I actually enjoy. Legitimately, not out of some twisted joke or ironically or anything like that. It's been a while since I spoke of the Mooch, but I've actually been listening to some of his shows, and they're very good. If I was a Republican, I would probably be him.

One of the things he likes to talk about is how our political system has somehow switched around the voting process. Traditionally, the voters are supposed to select the politicians. With gerrymandering, the politicians are picking the voters, and that is fucking insanity. Pure goddam insanity. How have we let things get so bass-ackwards in this country?

But I'd like to go a little farther than the Mooch on this, because the current market is also bass-ackwards. It was still OK(-ish) when I was a kid, so this is a fairly new development. It may explain why our corporate overlords have so much more money than we do. Their sole purpose these days is to transfer value from our pocket to theirs, and the less they give us in return, the better. The ridiculous thing is, they've somehow gotten it so that even if we buy their products, we don't *own* them. We have to use their products the way they were intended to be used, and if we don't, then we're in violation of the deal we made when purchasing it. Depending on the degree of that violation, it's even possible that we've committed a felony.

I'll give you an example. When I bought my printer, I was under the impression that I could use that printer as I saw fit. If I ran out of ink, and the manufacturer's cartridges are too expensive, I should be able to use another company's ink in that printer. But no, if you try to do that, your printer will reject it. You are legally required to purchase their ink to go with your printer. Cory Doctorow is fond of pointing out that HP ink is more expensive, by volume, than a Kentucky Derby winner's sperm.

To me, that is bass-ackwards. The consumer is supposed to dictate terms to the market. Instead, we find ourselves in Bizarro World where the corporations dictate terms to the market. No wonder the economy is fucking broken. Maybe we should fix that?

Friday, May 22, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1065: AT LEAST I HAVE A PLAN NOW

 You may have noticed that I wrote a GF every day of this week. I felt a little nostalgic for the way I used to do these, and I wanted to see if I still had it in me to do one every night. I do, but I got a little tired of it by midweek, so I'm probably not going back to that release schedule. It felt nice for a while, but it cut drastically into time to write other stuff, stuff I might actually get paid for at some point, so I think next week it'll be back to two a week. Maybe three every once in a while.

In the meantime, I found out why my rent went up so much. It turns out that we have new owners here. When I go in to discuss my lease renewal, I desperately hope they don't say, hey, we need to run your credit score. If they do, they're going to discover that it lives in the toilet, right down there in the flush hole. And if that happens, I'll be homeless in time for my 48th birthday.

And this time, there is nowhere else I can go. At least I have a plan, though, and a plan that doesn't hurt too badly. It would suck to live in my car, but if I also manage to keep my job, I'll have a lot of money coming in and not a lot of expenses. I would have two monthly bills: my car payments and my car insurance. I won't have a phone bill because fuck Verizon. I'm getting a burner if that happens.

Well, I'll have three bills, because I'll also need to get another storage unit for long enough to sell my stuff. The only weak point of my plan is that I'll need movers to take my stuff out of here, and I can't afford that. At least not for now.

I hope I don't need the plan, but my head's in a much better place because I have it. It would be nice if the new owners don't run my credit score, and they don't raise the rent next year. If luck favors me, then I can kick this problem down the road for another year. It would solve the problem, but it will buy me more time to come up with a better solution.

I don't want to leave this place. I love living in DeKalb. For all the problems I've run into, it's really a good place to live. I've enjoyed calling it home, and I hope I don't have to stop doing that.

One other thing. You know how much of an alcoholic I am? I heard earlier this week that Schlitz is being discontinued, and my first thought was, oh shit, I gotta get a case. I'll never get to have Schlitz again. Even though Schlitz was far from my favorite beer. It didn't even kick in until I'd already picked up a pen to write a reminder to get that case at my earliest convenience that, wait a minute, I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in almost four years.

And then I felt regret. Dammit. Schlitz is going into the ground, and I can't even have one last can.

I had some good times on Schlitz. I remember during one camping trip drinking Wild Turkey 101 from the bottle and chasing it with Schlitz after Schlitz after Schlitz. I passed out early near the campfire, and what woke me up? What felt like about a gallon of beer going directly up my nose. I sat up fast, and it made me puke my guts out for a good long time. What had happened? Two of my friends were shotgunning beers next to me, and the knife one of them used went all the way through the can, spilling its contents into me. What had they been drinking? Schlitz.

Strat's served Schlitz once upon a time! Whenever I ate dinner there, I usually had a Schlitz to go with it. They had to stop serving beer when the car shows they regularly hosted got too rowdy. I remember having dinner with a friend of mine there. She and I were DUI buddies. Because of that, we couldn't drive, so we sat there, talking about a book she wanted to design, drinking Schlitz after Schlitz after sneaking off to the bathroom with my flask. The fight outside that night got so bad the cops had to break it up. Being drunk in public with about a half-dozen cops around didn't do much for us, so Strat's let us call a cab (neither of us had cell phones back then), and we got out of there.

I woke up feeling hungover today, which is weird because I haven't had a drink in years. It's so unfair. So yeah, I've been thinking about the booze a bit today.

RIP Schlitz.

Thursday, May 21, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1064: THE SOLUTION TO A VERY OBVIOUS PROBLEM

 The one thing our Founding Fathers never thought to consider: what if one party seizes control of all three branches of the government? What happens to the concept of checks and balances then? Now that we have some unfortunate insight into such results, it would behoove us to fix this very obvious problem.

And I do, indeed, have a solution. We need to amend the Constitution so that, should it turn out that one party is in charge of the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches, one of them must be turned over to the other party. I know that makes it unfair to any party not part of the duopoly, but that's a problem we can't solve for now. I mean, I've given a few suggestions over the years, but you know what I mean.

It would be too complex to let this fall upon Congress, so they're safe. It would make the most sense to handle the president, but there's no way in hell anyone is going to go for that. Which leaves the Supreme Court.

Justices aren't supposed to have biases, but that's simply not the reality we're faced with. So yes, we'll have to have stand-by justices to take over when we eject whatever number of the winning party's judges we need to, and then the losing party's judges swoop in to take their place. How do we decide on which ones to axe? It can't be the Chief Justice, but anyone else with seniority has to go. It's insane that we let these people serve for the rest of their lives, so that's where we cut. Give the new blood a chance.

The situation we find ourselves in now is untenable. The system cannot be allowed to continue as it is, or if we're lucky enough to have another election, we might just usher in the next Donald Trump. And then we get to go through all of this again, and won't that be fun?

Wednesday, May 20, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1063: POINT OF NO RETURN

 You may have seen the news lately that New Orleans's days are numbered. Due to the rising sea level, and considering how most of that city exists below that sea level, it is in danger of disappearing altogether. It's possible that whatever civilization follows ours might find its ruins thanks to the distant descendants of our Atlantis hunters. In fact, according to a new study, New Orleans "may be surrounded by the Gulf of Mexico by the end of the century." That's a pretty grim diagnosis.

Think about that. New Orleans is a major city. There's a lot of culture there. And it's all going to vanish soon. Your kids might not see it disappear, but their kids might. The hometown of Anne Rice inspired vampires everywhere is about to vanish from the face of the earth. That's fucking crazy. They're saying people should start leaving right now. Get the hell outta Dodge. We have a few decades, but why waste time?

So I'm sure you know what I'm wondering about. No, it's not about where people will go now to flash boobs for beads and vice versa. (That's the second thing I thought.) No, I'm wondering about . . .


There are some grand cemeteries down there. Are we going to abandon them to a watery grave? In particular, ARE WE GOING TO ABANDON NIC CAGE TO THE GULF OF MEXICO'S MERCILESS WATERS?!?!?!?!?!?!

Because in case you've forgotten, that's where he plans to be buried, under this very pyramid. Is he going to change his mind? Can he be talked out of being buried there?

He's a weird guy. Maybe he wants his body to be flooded forever. Maybe he's into it.

Which reminds me, I learned the other day that he was offered the role of Aragorn in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies. After ensuring I wasn't on the Onion's website, I sat back, shocked. How could that have been allowed to almost happen? I love Cage. I also love LOTR. But the two of them together, especially like that, would have been a disaster. It would have utterly destroyed those films for me. I am eternally grateful for the family obligations that kept him from taking the role.

See?

"NIC CAGE: LOTR"

A Shit Poem by John Bruni


"The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness."

"Let's hunt some Orc."

"You cannot give me this."

"My friends, you bow to no one."

But with mega-acting.

Could you imagine the faces he would make during the battle scenes?

I'll bet he'd do really well with the scene where he has to throw Gimli.

He'd go over the top at the Prancing Pony in Bree

    more like Father Karras in the darkness in The Exorcist III.

What do you say we cut the chit-chat, a-hole.

    and stick to drinking beer from your enemy's skull like a bowl.