HEY FUCKERS #9: SOME OBSERVATIONS ON LAST NIGHT'S TELEVISION PROGRAMS

Most of you know I'm not a fan of baseball, or any other sport for that matter. In all actuality, when I was a kid, I dug it. I actually played the game and was fairly good at it, but that was before I discovered that I loved eating McDonald's every day more than playing sports. However, there is one thing I'm really good at knowing about when it comes to sports: drinking stories. My favorite sports drinking story is the amazing saga that was Ten Cent Beer Night. It is also widely known that wrestler Andre the Giant was a prolific boozehound. And then there's Wade Boggs. How many beers did he actually take down during this wondrous cross-country trip? We may never know. Reports vary. But I'd be a liar if I told you that every time I get on a plane, I don't salivate at the idea of attempting to match his record.


I'm so glad this was the topic of last night's IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA. Those guys knew exactly how to handle it, too. There's no way I could ever achieve this level of drunkenness, due to my brush with pancreatitis-caused death. Just thinking about it makes my insides twitch. But at least I got to live vicariously through last night's episode, the perfect beginning to a new season.


MAN SEEKING WOMAN is a new show that follows SUNNY. Since I wasn't done with my beer yet (hey, I don't have to cut alcohol out of my life ENTIRELY, now), I gave it a shot. It's a pretty funny comedy, and I love its dedication to overly-symbolic storytelling. However, I don't see how the show can last. It's fine for short term projects, but after a few episodes, it's probably going to fall apart. I don't see how they're going to keep making it work, but I look forward to finding out.


Lastly, there's AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW. I should warn you that this portion contains spoilers, so if you haven't seen last night's episode, you might want to skip the rest of this. I would say that this season is by far the best they've ever done, and I love how things are wrapping up, especially with Dandy buying the freak show, finally getting what he's wanted since the first episode. However, there is one part of this season that bugs me: a lot of characters speak with an accent, but very few of the actors can actually perform that accent. It drives me up the wall.


But last night, I discovered something else I didn't like about this season, and I'm sorry to say that it's Neil Patrick Harris's character, Chester. First of all, it's a bad sign to introduce a character so late into the story. Secondly, his arc only lasts for two episodes, which is another bad sign. Lastly, there is no reason for Chester to exist in the story. His only purpose is to make things weirder on the show, and believe me, the other characters have that down without NPH's help. What effects does he have on the story? Very little. He fucks Bette and Dot, which is pretty cool, but another character could have done that. He also kills Maggie by sawing her in half. That's also cool, but again, another character could have done that. I suspect that NPH came along and asked if he could be on the show, and the producers asked the writers to fit him in somewhere. I like the guy, but he sticks out like a sore thumb in this story. I'm just glad he's out of the way so AHS: FS reaches its natural conclusion.


I hope.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #135: TOO MUCH TV

Once upon a time, when I was in junior high, one of my fellow students was taking a poll for class. It was about the TV habits of preteens, and she asked me what shows I watched on a regular basis. I told her I don't really watch TV. All I watched in those days were reruns of THE TWILIGHT ZONE (and cartoons, of course, but those were usually on VHS and didn't count). Truth be told, I thought everything on TV was complete garbage, so I didn't watch it.


Fast forward more than twenty years, and I'm watching TV every night, at least for one hour. Don't get me wrong, I still think there's a lot of garbage on TV. I think Sturgeon's Law might be a bit too generous for what's being broadcast these days, but I do have my shows. Now, with so many shows taking a break for the holidays, I don't watch TV EVERY night, but when I was a kid, I would have never thought I'd have ended up like this.


Mondays are for GOTHAM. Tuesdays for Marvel's AGENTS OF SHIELD. Wednesdays are for AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAKSHOW. Thursdays are for WHITE COLLAR. Fridays are for CONSTANTINE. Saturdays are for HELL ON WHEELS. Sundays are for THE WALKING DEAD, THE TALKING DEAD and COMIC BOOK MEN. Repeat.


It's a marvel I get anything done. What happened? What changed me?


I actually don't think I'VE changed. I've always eagerly consumed excellent content, be it from books or movies. I think TV changed. The quality is better (which doesn't say much, but still). When they upped their game, I took interest, that's all.


But I am glad that great TV isn't in the majority. If every show was good, I would probably have dedicate a lot more time to watching TV, and I shudder to think of that as a good thing.