GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #551: MAKE IT AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE

 

So why is it that when men go bald they want to look like badasses? I can't really answer that question myself because I still have all my hair, and it looks like it's going to stick around for a while. I think it's one of the few good looking features I have, and I think I'd be upset if it went away. All the same I think I would look horrible if I was bald. My head is really weirdly shaped, so even if I did go for the Bruce Willis look I think it would appear very, very bad.

I think I'd have no choice but to make it awkward for everyone. Like, I'd draw my hair on my scalp with a Sharpie. Make it look really obvious so people would wonder about my sanity. Or maybe I'd draw a big Charlie Brown curl on my forehead.

Good grief!

Ooh! I know! I could have a really bad combover like Gramps did. He only had a fringe around the sides and back of his head, but he grew three strands on one side super long to put over the top of his head, kinda like Homer Simpson. That would really gross people out.

Or perhaps a skullet would be the way to go. A friend of mine once told me he was going to do that if he went bald.

I guess I could also shave it all except for a vertical strip at the back of my head and tell everyone it's a mohawk. I should probably shave my beard, too, and give myself a pencil line mustache. I'm talking more like Willem Dafoe in Wild at Heart instead of John Waters. The possibilities are endless!

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #291: THE GENTLEMEN (IN WHICH I DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE GENTLEMEN)

So I went to see the movie, The Gentlemen, earlier today. It was great. Go fucking see it. Guy Ritchie returns to his roots. (OK, so I talked a little about it.)


Before showtime I had to take a shit. I went to the bathroom, chose the stall next to the urinals, and unloaded mostly gas, but also a bit of a turd. I heard something hit the floor beside me and then thunk against the toilet. What the fuck was that?


I looked down and saw a water bottle. One that had been opened but only sipped maybe once. The guy at the urinal cursed, and I wondered, what exactly is the etiquette for a situation like this? Should I give the bottle a nudge so it rolls back out? Should I hand it to him under the stall? Did he even want it back? It's a theater bathroom floor, after all. I asked myself what I would want in a situation like this, and I decided I wouldn't want it back.


I wiped and flushed and put my coat back on. I then exited the stall to see . . . no one. Whoever had dropped the bottle had decided to abandon it. Just as I would have. So now I have an answer to that extremely awkward question. Should something similar happen to you, don't do anything.


I should also note that I had to go to the bathroom after the show. The bottle was still there. No one wanted any part of it. Which seemed right. The world turned just as it should.