GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #914: 42 POUNDS A YEAR

 A new study says that the average American consumes 42 pounds of cheese a year. Forty-two! We certainly love our cheese, but I'd like to take the time to remind you that I'm not the average American when it comes to cheese consumption. At any given moment I have at least 10 pounds of cheese in my fridge. Except for now, as I am cheese poor. I get paid tomorrow, so I'll have my cheese in the very near future.

I wonder how much cheese *I* eat a year. I suppose I could find out if I was dedicated enough and kept diligent records from Jan 1 to Dec 31. I'm not sure if I want to spend my time doing that, though. So I'll do what politicians do on a regular basis: make up a number.

I hereby declare that I eat at least 90 pounds of cheese a year. Bare minimum. The max? The sky's the limit!

Also, I'm very high. I tried this cannabis-infused cola tonight, and it worked nicely. It tasted like Dr. Pepper, just as promised.

Anyway, here's the article I read that spurred on this GF, if you wish to read it.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #771: 1 YEAR AND 107 DAYS

 I've heard it for years. "If you really want to lose weight, quit drinking." And I said it time and again: "Drinking keeps me in reasonably trim shape." Note I didn't say "good" shape. Every goddam person I said this to said I was wrong. But guess who was actually wrong.

I weighed 242 pounds the night I had my last drink. Not great, but better than where I'm currently at. Now, a year and 107 days later, I weigh 276 pounds.

I also recall when I started consuming cannabis, trying to break away from booze, that everyone said that it would help me get into shape. I told them all it would make me fat. "Just get the edibles without sugar," I was told. Except people don't realize that the weight doesn't come from eating the fucking edible. It comes from eating EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE because the munchies are, indeed, real.

These days I can stick to one dinner, but that doesn't seem to matter because this weight is here to stay. I can't work out because of my bad leg. And no, I can't work out my upper body because of the pain in my hands. And dieting is out of the question. I've spent a lot of my life doing that, and I'm old enough that if I'm going to eat something, I want to enjoy it.

I'd really hoped the colonoscopy would help thin me out a bit. Considering all the liquid shit that passed out of me? I should have lost at least water weight. Nope, I didn't lose a single pound.

Booze kept me looking good. I'd tell people how much I weighed, and they'd be incredulous because I carry my weight really well. Even when I weighed 306 pounds. And I suppose I should get ready to weigh that much again, if the trend continues.

And I'm pretty sure it will. Getting old sucks. I don't recommend it. As your attorney I advise you to stop aging at 25.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #587: MEETING THE NEW YEAR HIGH

 So I've been laying off the cannabis for a reason. I've been keeping it on the down low, but I've been looking for a new job. Just because recreational cannabis is legal in IL doesn't mean that you can still test positive for it and get a job. That sucks, but that's the way it goes.

But I gave up on looking for a new job. I'm pretty sure I can make the one I have work out decently and still get an all right apartment if not in Elmhurst then at least close by. So I decided to get high as fuck to end 2022 and meet 2023. I went out to a friend's place, and we got high and watched a bunch of cool shit. Holy fuck, I was high. It was great. We went to sleep around 3-ish, and when I woke up the next day I was still pretty high. It was excellent.

I'm pretty sure I'm unable to find a new job because of my books. I've had amazing interviews where I knocked it out of the park. One interview even treated me like I was already hired. But then these jobs started ghosting me, which has never happened to me before. I can only assume they did the poor man's background check (ie. Google), and my books came up. Well, I can't put that genie back in the bottle, so fuck it. Let's see where I can go from here.

Although some of those jobs were pretty sweet. Some of them offered as much as $75K/year. That would have been awesome. Ah well.

This is all over the place. Not much cohesion. Perhaps I'm rustier at this than I thought. But here's something interesting that happened when I went to sleep in the wee hours of New Year's Day. For the first time in ages I had a booze dream. They don't happen often, but it happened pretty hardcore that night. Probably something psychological in regards to getting high after being sober for so long. But in the dream I was taking down shot after shot after shot, and it was great. And then I remembered, holy shit! I'm not supposed to be doing this! But then I thought, fuck it. Let's keep drinking. So I did until I woke up.

I could almost taste the whiskey.

Anyway, it's good to get high again. That's not going to be an every day thing going forward, but every once in a while. Like a treat to myself. I've been a good boy. Now for my edible.

I am not high right now. Perhaps I should be, considering how much rambling I've done here tonight.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #476: ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO GET SLEEP RIGHT

 When I was a kid I could never fall asleep. I mean, I slept, but it usually was because my body, exhausted from lack of sleep, would shut itself down. I would go to bed and stare up at the dark ceiling and have my racing thoughts that would not let me close my eyes and actually sleep. I would think about things like, where does the universe end? It can't be limitless. Nothing is limitless, right? And what was here before the universe? There had to be a before. Was the sky purple? Or red? Or yellow? And what was it like before that?

I found, in my adult life, that there are three things that can make me sleep. All of them have prices, though. The first one I discovered was alcohol. The price? A possible hangover the next day. It didn't always happen, but it sometimes did. I figured it was worth the sleep I got because sometimes I didn't even remember actually going to sleep. When I did? The moment my head hit the pillow, I was gone.

The second was Unisom. For those who don't know, it's a sleeping pill. But one just doesn't work. At the very least I need four, and it helps if I have alcohol with it. It puts me out well, but the price is dry mouth. That doesn't sound like much, but I'm telling you that it's painful and irritating and it sometimes panics me because I can't swallow. That's why, when I use this method, I have a bottle of water on my night table.

The third is more recent. When the State of Illinois legalized cannabis for recreational purposes, I discovered that if I had an edible at eight, I'd be asleep by eleven or so. The price for that is the possibility of dry mouth, but even worse, when I'm high I discovered something. I never believed in the munchies until I started getting high on a regular basis. The munchies are very much real, and I'll eat three or four dinners because of it. I'll wake up the next morning with dry mouth and feeling overstuffed to the point where the thought of eating breakfast might make me puke.

So I've tried everything else to sleep. None of it works. I did find a package recently that claimed that I could get an excellent night of sleep because of it. So I bought it and put it to the test.

It sucked and didn't work. Allow me to elucidate.

Here are the components. A red light bulb because it's supposed to render all other light in the room unseen, thus helping you sleep. A gummy that is not cannabis but is supposed to help you sleep. A mask for your eyes specially built so it puts no pressure on them and blocks any and all light from getting through. And a spray of something that is supposed to help induce sleep.

The red light bulb is kinda cool. I like the shade it brings to my room, but it did nothing to calm my senses. The gummy tasted like shit and did absolutely nothing for me. The mask is too small. I have a giant fucking head that I got from my dad, which is the biggest reason I don't wear hats. None of them fit me, and neither did this mask. And the spray? Useless. I don't object to the concept because whenever I was in the hospital (they no longer do this) I got a lavender button to put on my gown near my face, and it actually did help me sleep. The spray did nothing of the sort for me.

It irritated me because when I realized none of this shit was working, it was too late to take an edible. I had to be up at a certain time, and if I took it at that point, I would feel like shit when I woke up. And I didn't have alcohol on hand, either.

Fuck. I guess I'm sticking to cannabis for the foreseeable future. That's fine. I just have to find a way to stick to one dinner a night. Or two. But that's it.

BONUS SLEEP METHOD: So during WWII, US high command noticed something horrible. Pilots are supposed to be made of the Right Stuff, right? The problem was, sometimes pilots couldn't get enough sleep. They'd drift off and suddenly be needed to shoot or bomb something. When they were sleep deprived, their bombs were waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay off. So the US government found itself wondering if there was a way to get pilots to fall asleep faster and have a more rewarding sleep experience. They actually found a method that seemed to work. It didn't work for me, but maybe it will help someone else.

When you go to bed, close your eyes and imagine each of your body parts. Imagine them relaxing until they each fall asleep. Start from your feet and work your way up to your head. By that point, in theory, you should be asleep within minutes. Like I said, it worked for the WWII pilots but not for me. If you're an insomniac, give it a try. Hopefully it works for you.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #452: THE BEST NIGHT OF SLEEP I'VE EVER GOTTEN

 First off, I want to say that you should not try this at home (or anywhere else for that matter). It worked very, very well for me, but I have a high substance tolerance. And I've only been able to do this once, anyway. So yeah. Keep that in mind.

I've never been very good at sleeping. I'm a lifelong insomniac who discovered that alcohol can help me get to sleep, so I did that for years. The thing is, it was rarely a rewarding sleep. I still felt miserable and tired the next day. But at least I lost consciousness.

Cannabis helps quite a bit. I'm still not fully rested the next day, but it works better than the booze did.

So this happened the last time I was in the hospital for an overnight stay. It's impossible to sleep in a hospital, by the way. Nurses and techs disturb yours sleep constantly to the point where you're lucky if you can close your eyes for longer than a half an hour. It's even worse if they have a blood pressure cuff on your arm at all times.

But this was the first time since starting my cannabis habit that I was in the hospital for an overnight stay, so I came prepared. I wanted to make sure that I would sleep through anything and everything, including when the blood tech visits at the crack of dawn to exsanguinate me.

So here's what I did. I timed it perfectly. About an hour before I wanted to go to bed, I popped an edible, then watched some TV while waiting for it to kick in. An hour after that, I took a few Unisom and another edible, got into bed and hit the button for the nurse. I had to time it right, or I wouldn't get what I wanted, which was my next dose of morphine, because I was in constant pain from my guts. Too soon, and I wouldn't get it. Too late, and I might pass out and not get that optimal night of sleep.

The nurse arrived and gave me my dose, and I closed my eyes. I slept wonderfully! It was so amazing, it's one of my favorite things I've ever done. And yes, I slept through the blood tech and a bunch of other nurse visits. I knew the blood tech had visited because I had a new bandage on the inside of my elbow when I didn't have one the night before.

Holy shit, that was great. I think about that night of sleep often, wishing I could replicate it on my own. I've never felt so fresh in my entire life as I did the next morning.

So yeah. The next time I go to the hospital, I expect I'll have yet another perfect night of sleep. If not for the whole hospital part, I might actually look forward to it.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #353: COOKING WITH BRUNI

 Those of you who have known me the longest know that I can't cook for shit. I have--no kidding--fucked up making cereal at least a half-dozen times in my life. I have set three kitchens on fire (so far). I couldn't even microwave something.

I really don't know what it is, but I recently decided to change that. I think there might have been a block in my mind, but I figured out a way to unblock it about, eh, three or four months back. That's a story for another day. But I put all my effort into learning how to cook, and guess what.

It turns out I'm good at it. Not great. Good. At least, as far as I'm concerned. I'm only cooking for myself, and I make some damn tasty food.

I started simple with soup and rice. I graduated to spaghetti and other pasta. I learned how to use the microwave. I learned how to make eggs. Then I moved on to that great McDonald's breakfast sandwich that has been discontinued: the Egg White Delight. That's a great hunk of food right there, and I was able to replicate it perfectly.

(And no, I didn't make Canadian bacon to go with it. I do not like Canadian bacon, I do not like it, whatever rhymes with Canadian bacon.)

I moved on to tacos, which are very good provided I eat them right away. I decided to recreate that great Taco Bell food item that was discontinued: the Beefy Quesarito, and goddammit, I knocked that one out of the park. I make 'em big enough to feed a family of four for a week. It's what I made tonight.

Yeah, I know. This probably isn't very impressive to most, but before this I couldn't toast a Pop Tart. I think I'm moving on to meat balls soon, and I plan to use every sexual innuendo possible while doing so. Same for bacon. Real bacon, I mean.

In related news, I'm blowing up in size yet again. Mostly because I'm high every night instead of drunk. The muchies is a real thing. People say that I can't get fat from eating gummies, but they don't think about me shoving all the food I can down my gullet in order to make the crave go away.

So yeah, I should probably stop that. Maybe.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #339: HIGH

 Welcome to the first ever GF column that I've written while under the influence of cannabis and cannabis alone. Yes, as I type this dispatch from the trenches, I am high as a motherfucker. I haven't had a single drink of booze. No other drugs. JUST CANNABIS.

I like it so far. I mean, I've only written one paragraph so far, but I think this is going well. It feels like I'm drunk but also really sleepy, too. And I feel certain that when I wake up tomorrow I'm going to feel bloated because of all the food I had today including a bunch of majestic beef jerky. I also feel confident that I can fall immediately asleep after I post this. Couldn't always say that with the booze, even. Hell, I might even be refreshed when I get up for work. That'll be a novel feeling.

I've noticed that I have short term memory loss while on cannabis, so I was kind of wondering if I'd be able to string together reasonably coherent sentences. I thought I might not be able to do this at all. Who knows? Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and this will have been written in an inside out screaming cursive. Wait, what am I saying? I'm babbling. That could cause some future GF problems here. No matter how drunk I got, I was able to write reasonably well. But what if I can't do that while high?

I am struggling to keep a train of thought, but I keep departing on other tracks every other word. Either I'll quit the GF columns for a while ("Again?" I hear you ask), or things are gonna get really weird and meandering around here.

I guess I'll read this tomorrow and then figure it all out.