GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #514: CYCLES OF FAT

When I was a kid in elementary school I was in pretty good shape. Skinny. Athletic. I played baseball and was hell on an obstacle course. So how did I become the fat ass I am today?

My first fat began in junior high. It really started in fifth grade because I broke my leg and had to stay off of it for a while. It irritated me because we were having our last obstacle course that year, and I had to sit it out. I loved doing that shit, and when you leave elementary school, you no longer get to do obstacle courses. I also missed out on getting my Weblos badge from Cub Scouts, which I really enjoyed doing. I learned a lot as a young lad in uniform, and it sticks in my craw to this day that I never got my final badge. And there were a few other factors.

So I learned to accept my sedentary life to the point where I started kinda liking it. I got no more exercise, and because I sat around and ate like shit all the time, I put on some weight. I was pudgy in junior high. I continued my first fat through high school. I'd decided to eat nothing but McDonald's every night for five straight years. That did not do well for my physical wellbeing.

When I saw my graduation video I looked like Chris Farley. It horrified me, so I spent that summer, before going to college, on the fast track to lose weight. I started off at 245 lbs., and by the time I started college I was down to 205. I looked pretty fucking good back then. I still needed to lose a bit more weight, and my target was 200 even. I never got that low. The closest was about 202, maybe.

Through a set of awful circumstances, I began my second fat while finishing up college. I blew up to 306 lbs., and no one believed me when I said I weighed that much. If we had cell phones capable of taking pictures back then, I would have taken one of me on the scale. (And I would have had all ten toes!) I guess I carried it well. And hey, I still managed to get laid, so it must not have been all that bad.

I got back to yoga and exercise and jogging, and while I managed to get back down to 245, I've never been able to get lower than that. I'm currently on my third fat, and I'm usually anywhere between 250 and 270. Unless I've been in the hospital for my stomach issues. I've been able to get down to 235 in those moments, but they don't really count. When I can eat again, I shoot back up to 245.

Yesterday my endocrinologist told me that I'm 249 lbs. It's better than I expected. Getting out of detox, my food consumption has skyrocketed. I thought I was back up to 270. Still, I could lose some weight. Most definitely. I hope to fuck I don't wind up doing a fourth fat. Cannabis makes me very hungry, and I've been eating more than one dinner. I've got to stop doing that.

Because with my bad foot, I can't exercise anymore. I have to stay off it as much as possible, or I risk losing that foot. So if I start that fourth fat, I'm pretty sure that will be the way my corpse will look when I die. I'll be fat Elvis again.

Did I ever tell you that my nickname way back when was Elvis? Back then I had sideburns that somehow grew beyond my control and became muttonchops. I looked like fat Elvis when I was young. It would be horrible to be fat Elvis when I'm old.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #423: LASIK

 I've flirted with the idea of getting LASIK done for many, many years, but I don't think I'll ever do it. First of all, it's kind of weird to have someone shooting a laser into your eyes to do some good ol' fashioned eye-cutting. It was a scary concept to me, and years ago when I saw a video of Kid in the Hall Dave Foley getting it done, it did not help matters. If you're going to do that shit to me, you'd better knock me out first.

But I've had glasses since third grade. I would feel absolutely naked without them. I couldn't imagine going to bed at night and being able to see everything clearly. It would weird me out. And when it's raining, what if water goes directly into my eyes? My glasses prevent that from happening.

But then again, what if the zombie holocaust happens? Or a cannibal holocaust? Or both at the same time? If my glasses break, well, I have a back up pair that are almost as good. And if those break? I have a pretty shitty back up pair. And if those break? I'm fucked for the rest of my life. Which might not be that long. I remember my old doctor once saw me reading a Walking Dead book, and he said, "Do you know who doesn't survive the zombie apocalypse? Fat diabetics." Sure, a little mean, but it was on point. I am fat, and I am diabetic.

But I'm not a fan of stuff in my eyes, which is why I don't do contacts. My eye doctor, when dilating my eyes, has to pry my lids open to put the drops in. I would not do well with the Ludovico Treatment, for example. The scene in Fulci's Zombie? Yeah, you know the one I'm talking about. I first saw that at a young age, and it has stuck with me pretty clearly over the years.

So while it might be for the best, I'll probably never get it done even if I could afford it. That's OK with me.

See?