GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #269: I WAS PART OF A NIELSEN FAMILY

I wasn't allowed to talk about it because they were afraid that if I mentioned I was part of a Nielsen ratings family, friends would want me to watch their shows to make sure they got renewed. So I kept my mouth shut.


Here's how it worked: I had to wear my meter wherever I went so that it could keep track of all media I consume, even if it's something as innocuous as the overhead music in a grocery store. That leads to my part of the ratings system, which led to whether a show, TV or radio, got renewed or canceled. It also determined how much money a network could charge for advertising. So I wore it everywhere. I can't tell you how many people asked me, "What, is that a pager?" As if I was a loser, or maybe they were looking for shit to make fun of me for. I told everyone no. When they asked what it really was, I told them, "It's a secret." So if you were one of the people who got that response from me, now you know the truth.


It's funny. If I had gotten this thing just a month earlier, I could have helped #SaveConstantine. Ah well. Here's something I noticed: while I wore the meter, all of my shows prospered. When I turned the meter in, my shows started getting axed left and right. What the fuck? Was my meter that important?! The bastards almost got GOTHAM, for fuck's sake. I'll bet it would have gotten canceled if it wasn't a Batman show. As it is, they're only renewed for a final half-season, anyway.


I didn't matter for very long, but for the brief period of time I had that meter, I MATTERED.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #135: TOO MUCH TV

Once upon a time, when I was in junior high, one of my fellow students was taking a poll for class. It was about the TV habits of preteens, and she asked me what shows I watched on a regular basis. I told her I don't really watch TV. All I watched in those days were reruns of THE TWILIGHT ZONE (and cartoons, of course, but those were usually on VHS and didn't count). Truth be told, I thought everything on TV was complete garbage, so I didn't watch it.


Fast forward more than twenty years, and I'm watching TV every night, at least for one hour. Don't get me wrong, I still think there's a lot of garbage on TV. I think Sturgeon's Law might be a bit too generous for what's being broadcast these days, but I do have my shows. Now, with so many shows taking a break for the holidays, I don't watch TV EVERY night, but when I was a kid, I would have never thought I'd have ended up like this.


Mondays are for GOTHAM. Tuesdays for Marvel's AGENTS OF SHIELD. Wednesdays are for AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAKSHOW. Thursdays are for WHITE COLLAR. Fridays are for CONSTANTINE. Saturdays are for HELL ON WHEELS. Sundays are for THE WALKING DEAD, THE TALKING DEAD and COMIC BOOK MEN. Repeat.


It's a marvel I get anything done. What happened? What changed me?


I actually don't think I'VE changed. I've always eagerly consumed excellent content, be it from books or movies. I think TV changed. The quality is better (which doesn't say much, but still). When they upped their game, I took interest, that's all.


But I am glad that great TV isn't in the majority. If every show was good, I would probably have dedicate a lot more time to watching TV, and I shudder to think of that as a good thing.