THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #5: HITMAN #35 REVIEW

[This is the second comic book review I ever wrote. It appeared in the March 9, 1999 issue of the Leader. I kind of got the impression that very few people were reading these things. I would find out later that I was incorrect in thinking this.]

Garth Ennis’s new issue of Hitman is based on a cliché, but he brings a whole new way to view it. Boy grows up in an orphanage, becomes a man, and searches for his roots. Nothing new there, except the boy in question is Tommy Monaghan, otherwise known as Hitman. Yeah, he has super powers including x-ray eyes and being able to read people’s minds, making him the perfect hitman.

For the previous 34 issues the reader has been just as knowledgeable about Tommy’s past, which includes all the lies he has been told. Now in the 35^th installment something new is brought into the picture. Tommy apparently was not found on the steps of St. Killian’s Orphanage in a bag with his name on it. Actually, his mother was staying at the orphanage for awhile and ended up getting killed. Naturally, being Tommy, he decides to find out who committed the crime. Of course, it is not hard to figure out what he wants to do from there.

It is refreshing to see the orphanage cliché used in a more malicious light than usual. It is not often that the orphaned boy turned man searches for his roots with fire in his eyes and a thirst for blood.

There is also some involvement from Tiegel, Tommy’s on again, off again girlfriend who has not been seen in a while, and it is always nice to get back to their relationship. It seems that all they do now is argue, and that is something Ennis is very good at portraying. Those who do not see that have never read about John Constantine and Kit in Hellblazer, another comic series that Ennis has worked on.

A new relationship can also be seen, one that was hinted at in the Christmas issue the year before last: Sean Noonan and Sister Concepta, a bartender and a nun!

Hitman is usually a funny comic, mainly a commentary on how ridiculous superheroes are, but this story, entitled “Kate,” is quite serious. The comic relief is definitely needed.

It should be obvious that if this had taken place in the age of black and white movies, James Cagney could have easily played Tommy. There are even some black and white flashbacks relating to Tommy’s mother’s life, which is kind of an Irish prostitute’s story. The kind of woman that men spit at during the day, then sleep with at night, yet she still comes out on top. Her tact is simple: whenever she gets pregnant she names the child after the father, even when one of them “suggests” that she doesn’t.

Most men who write testosterone-drenched action stories portray women as either the lover on the side, the maiden in distress, or just plain old sex objects. Ennis rarely, if ever, does this. Tommy’s mother Katie does not take crap from anybody, and neither do any other heroines in this, or any other Ennis comic. One would be hard pressed to find a major female character in one of Ennis’s comics who is not tough.

The story is simply unstoppable, especially if you have known Tommy for a long time. As he goes searching for his roots with his sister Frances he will no doubt find his father, who is probably responsible for his mother’s death. You can see it coming, especially since Tommy tells us in the beginning that he just shot his father in the head, but it is always mesmerizing to see Tommy in action.

To tie it all together, Ennis gives us not only a sense of humor and realism, but also great storytelling ability. He has been able to take a cliché and work wonders. For now, we are left with a cliffhanger, but the conclusion of the “Katie” storyline will be on the shelves this month.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #88: COMIC BOOK READER

In the wake of the new season of COMIC BOOK MEN, I feel the need to talk about my love of comic books. Since I started reviewing comic books for the Elmhurst College LEADER in 1998, I've been considered a comic book reader. To be fair, I did this long before. I loved comics when I was a kid, and I didn't stop until Marvel's incarnation of THE TRANSFORMERS ended, much to my chagrin. Years later, CJ, a friend I'd met during my senior year of high school, got me back into comics with EVIL ERNIE, PREACHER and HITMAN. Three years later, I was writing reviews for the LEADER as the first comic book reviewer EVER on staff. My time there won me an award from the Chicago TRIBUNE. (I got two, actually, but I only got one for my comic book work.)


Still, whenever I mention my love of comic books, people assume I'm talking about superheroes. This pisses me off a great deal, because not all comic books are about superheroes. In fact, I don't like superheroes. I know, that's blasphemy in this age of Marvel movies. Let me make myself clear: I love the superhero movies, but I can't stand the superhero comic books. I'm not condemning those books. It's a matter of taste. I don't like them, but I don't hate people who like them. That's your business, not mine.


I don't really read superhero comic books. The only time I do is when a writer I respect is writing them. There are a handful of great superhero stories, I think. One of them is obviously WATCHMEN. Another is THE BOYS, which is one of the greatest comic books ever written. I loved Mark Millar's take on OLD MAN LOGAN. The same goes for David Morrell's take on SAVAGE WOLVERINE. And then there's books like Brian Azzarello's WONDER WOMAN and so on and so forth.


But ultimately, those aren't the books I'm interested in, aside from THE BOYS. I think superheroes are stupid. I find it's a fucking shame that the average person isn't aware that comic books are more than some person wearing skintight underwear facing off against criminal/evil alien villains. I want PREACHER. I want TRANSMETROPOLITAN. I want 100 BULLETS. And yes, I want LOCKE & KEY. How about AMERICAN VAMPIRE? Or DICKS? Or CROSSED? Or THE FADE OUT? Or CRIMINAL or FATALE? FBP? SAGA? SEX CRIMINALS? STRAY BULLETS? TREES? How about DORK and MILK AND CHEESE? I could go on forever, but most average people, whenever they think of comic books, will think about Superman, Batman, the X-Men, Spider-Man and whoever else wears spandex tight enough to show the shape of their genitals.


I love Tommy Monaghan, one of the few guys in the old DCU who took the piss out of superheroes on a regular basis. He puked on Batman and showed how Green Lantern was a cheapskate. Or how about THE BOYS, who policed the degenerate supes?


But . . . the loyal fans of HITMAN remember very well that there was one superhero who had earned Tommy's trust: Superman. And just like that, I can appreciate certain things about the comic book superheroes.


Whenever someone brings something cool into the Stash on COMIC BOOK MEN, I can truly appreciate it. I'm wowed. I'm very interested to see how these things turn out, because they're historical documents.


But let's be honest. Superheroes should have died out long ago. Marvel manages to keep them alive, for the most part. I don't like a lot of their methods, but they have their hearts in the right place. DC, on the other hand, has driven their titles into the ground. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. If their BATMAN/SUPERMAN movie succeeds, it will only be because people were curious enough to see it. Not because it's great, though.


Some superheroes are immortal, and that's fine. Those who aren't should have been released a while ago. The Big Two work constantly to reinvent these characters, but in all honesty, I think they should just be released. If they continue with new people behind the mask, then it's the same ol' bullshit as ever. If there's a reboot, no matter how much you change it, it's still the same ol' bullshit as ever. If you let these characters die? They can serve a narrative purpose.


Reboots only serve as commercial agents. Actually killing characters off would serve stories very well. Not like I give a shit. Just give me my non-superhero books, and I'll be satisfied.


But what the fuck do I care? You guys fuck around with your superhero comics, and I'll stay over here with the other stuff. Goodnight, fuckers.

C2E2 2013 WRAP-UP

It’s no secret that over the years, I’ve come to favor C2E2 over Wizard World Chicago each and every time.  As a result, I felt betrayed when I was notified that C2E2 would not be granting me a press pass for 2013.  It hurt pretty badly, especially considering how fucking expensive it is to get into this thing for the whole weekend.  But when I thought more about it, I wasn’t quite so pissed.  Last year, I got sick on the first day, so I was only able to use what precious little material I was able to gather on Friday of the 2012 show.  While I think it’s unfair (because I spent the weekend in the ER being pumped full of fluids, anti-nausea medicine, and Dilaudid, which was not fun, rather than hanging out at C2E2 with my friends, meeting people, and going to panels, which is fun), I can see why they turned me down.

So I made it my personal mission this year to gather as much info as I could and write as many articles as I could muster.  Hence the incredibly long list of C2E2 coverage this year.  Seriously.  You just read seven weeks of C2E2 coverage.  If this doesn’t earn me a press pass for 2014, fucking nothing will.

I’m sorry to say that Friday seemed kind of lackluster.  I’d brought my friend, Fitz, along for the ride this year, and it was his first convention ever.  It was cool to watch his reaction to the whole thing, but I could tell even he was a bit disappointed.  He got to meet Laurie Holden, who plays Andrea on THE WALKING DEAD.  He actually brought a photo of her on the set of the MAGNIFICENT SEVEN TV show, which she probably found absolutely ludicrous.  As we walked away, he told me she was the first celebrity he’d ever actually talked to.  He was with me when I met James Cosmo and Natalie Dormer, but Holden was his First.

He handled it pretty well.  I remember when I met my first celebrity, which left me a bit starstruck, but after all of these years, it never strikes me anymore.

Anyway, Fitz was really hoping to meet Ron Perlman (and so was I, a bit), but the line was always too long, or he just wasn’t there.  Fitz felt the same way about the guy who played the Green Power Ranger, but the line was way longer than anyone expected.

Fitz had hung his hopes on meeting a lot of people, but as it turns out, most of them decided to only show up on Saturday.  He even wanted to meet J. Michael Straczynski because of the writer’s involvement with THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS cartoon, but that turned out to be a no-go.  I think Fitz had a good time taking in the experience, but when it came to meeting celebrities, he was let down.  I was, too.  Friday was kind of a bust.

The highlight was introducing Fitz to Jon Lennon.  Here’s the thing:  Jon tried to get a table in Artists Alley, and they turned him down.  Sure, all of the tables were taken, but there was a ton of room for more tables.  They could have fit him and Mat Festa and anyone else who had requested to PAY for a table.  I could see them turning down a press pass for me, but to turn away PAYING ARTISTS?  That was lame.

It was also great to see Leo Perez, Kevin Bandt, Z.M. Thomas, and a few other Artists Alley friends (although surprisingly enough, I didn’t get to see Kurt Dinse until Sunday).  Josh Filer showed up the next day, so it was fun shooting the shit with him.  It was great to find out that he’s been telling people about all the horrendous stories I’ve told him in regards to my life.  The burn victim story, as portrayed in an issue of PRODUCT OF SOCIETY, seems to be a favorite.  I wished I could have gotten drunk with them on Saturday night, but by that point, I’d been fucked up beyond all belief.  I was ready to collapse.  I was still fucked up on Sunday.  Guys:  when Wizard World Chicago comes around, I promise to get drunk with you.  I have more fucked up stories about my life to tell.  Since the StrangeHouse guys will be there, maybe I can get all of you together for an evening of absolute lunacy.

My favorite part of any convention is hanging out with my Artists Alley friends, but this year I only got to stop by a couple of times.  I was too busy getting material for my C2E2 coverage, meeting celebrities, getting interviews, going to panels, etc.  I also had to dedicate some time to picking up a few books for my collection, like the most recent volume of THE GOON.  I was missing a few issues of SAGA, which I promptly bought.  Much to my surprise, Avatar’s new CALIGULA series had begun.  I guess my comic book shop must have missed it, so I got the four issues they’ve released so far (and yes, it’s fucking intense and crazy).

One of my big regrets is not getting a pulp magazine this year.  Every convention, I at least buy one, but not this year.  I couldn’t find a place selling them.  I’m sure there was one somewhere, but I don’t think I would have been able to afford it, anyway.  I spent the last of my money on something far more cooler than a pulp magazine:  a sketch from John McCrea.

Oh, you want to see it?  We’re almost there.  Hang on just a while longer.

I don’t regret the pulp thing too much, though.  My comic book shop now has a section for pulp magazines, and I’ve got a bunch on my pile, so that satisfies at least a part of my collecting OCD.

What surprised me the most was how busy it was on Sunday.  I expected it to be packed on Saturday, so I got there as early as my hangover would allow.  I still wound up parking on the roof, and it was in a handicapped space.  (What?  Don’t look at me like that.  The parking attendant TOLD ME to park there.)  On Sunday, I wound up on the roof again, but all the handicapped spots were taken.  The attendants were making up parking spots, and one of them directed me to such a non-existent space.

But even after a good night’s rest (and no hangover), on Sunday I still felt like collapsing.  I left a bit early, two hours from closing time.  I think I might be getting too old for this shit.

Either that, or I’ve finally gotten too fat for conventions.  Anyone who has seen me at one of these things can attest to how out of breath and sweaty I get, and that’s when I’m in fairly good shape.  This leads me to my next problem.

Will I get my press pass back for C2E2 2014?  I hope so . . . but I’ve decided that if I don’t get it, I’m going to give up.  These things are taking too much of a toll on me.  Besides, I’ve pretty much interviewed everyone I want to interview by this point.  There are two on my list that I want, and I know I’ll never get them:  Garth Ennis and William Christensen.  I’ve tried for the former the few times I’ve seen him, and the latter has apologetically turned me down ever since I first saw him at a con several years ago (being editor-in-chief of Avatar during a con is a pretty busy job, so I understand).

I’ve also had to face facts:  I’m not that great of an interviewer.  I’ve found that I can handle myself pretty well as an interviewee, but when I’m asking questions, I think I’m just mediocre.  I’ve only ever done a handful of great interviews, and they are as follows:  Jon Lennon and Leo Perez at the same time, Josh Filer, Jason Yungbluth, and this year’s John McCrea.  (There was also the interview Leo Perez and I did with Brian Azzarello, which was really good, but it was more Leo than me on that one.)  Those felt more like conversations rather than interviews, and that’s the way it should be.

If C2E2 gives me back my press pass, I will definitely do all the things that would require of me, but if they don’t . . . I guess I’ll just go for one day.  Whichever day has the most panels I want to sit in on will be the winner.  I’ll cover them, of course, because that’s fun, and I’ll review whatever I pick up in Artists Alley . . . although I’m starting to think some of you don’t believe the disclaimers I post for all the books I review that are written and/or illustrated by my Artists Alley friends.  Even they probably don’t believe me on some level, and saying otherwise will convince no one.

I’m pretty sure that Wizard World Chicago will grant me a press pass, and I’ll cover the shit out of it.  It’s just not as exhausting as C2E2 is, which may be what is killing it for me.

Even though Friday was disappointing, the other two days completely made it up for me.  The whole excursion was worth it.  It was great meeting so many new people, so many new creators, and hanging out with old friends that I know I couldn’t pass up another such opportunity.  C2E2 is still as fun as it was the first year, and it shows no signs of diminishing.  If you have the chance to go for 2014, I say do it.  I’ll be there.

I might be, as Robert Browning said near the end of “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came,” “the last of me, a living frame/for one more picture” by the time you see me, but I will still be there.

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for.  I can’t tell you how much this sketch of Tommy and Natt from HITMAN means to me.  It is now one of my most prized possessions.  These characters have long been gone from the DCU, but for just a brief second, whenever I hold this sketch, they’re alive again.  I now present it to you as my final word on C2E2 2013:

C2E2 2013 INTERVIEW: JOHN McCREA

I must have told the story about a thousand times.  When I was in my senior year of high school, my friend, CJ, got me back into comics by lending me three books:  EVIL ERNIE, PREACHER, and HITMAN.  From that moment, my life changed.  John McCrea illustrated HITMAN back in the day, and it was great to meet him.  Some of you will recall when I wrote about meeting him last year, but this year was waaaaaay better.  Not just because I got to hang out with him for quite a while, and not just because he drew one of the awesomest sketches any artist has ever done for me, but because I also got to interview him.  I stopped by on Friday and asked if I could do an interview with him, and he asked me to come back on Sunday, when things were a bit quieter.  (It should also be mentioned that when I stopped by that first time, he was working on a sketch of Tommy Monaghan for a fan.  While he was doing this, his phone rang, and he talked with someone who was either his wife or his child.  The whole time he talked, he didn’t stop working.  He produced this amazing sketch.  It was the finest example of multitasking I’d ever seen.)

I came back on Sunday, and he was working on a sketch of Wolverine for another fan (who was absent at the time).  He asked if I minded whether or not he worked while I interviewed him, and I said I was completely OK with that.  However, after we’d been talking a little bit, he stopped working on the sketch.  It seemed like he was having a lot of fun with the interview, which I consider to be one of my finer moments (if I don’t say so myself; more on that in my C2E2 wrap-up).  Here is what he had to say . . . .

[WARNING:  Here there be HITMAN spoilers.  If you haven’t read the series, you might want to do so before reading this interview.]

JOHN BRUNI:  First of all, HITMAN was one of my all-time favorites—

JOHN McCREA:  Thank you.

JB:  Do you ever miss it?



JM:  Of course.  I think I worked on that book for seven years of my life pretty much solidly.  I did a few other things here and there, but it was seven years of Tommy and Natt, and they all sort of seemed like friends.  When the book ended, it was like—well, you’ve seen the ending.  It’s a real tearjerker.  When I read the script, I had a little tear in my eye.  Just saying bye to Tommy and his friends, it was a relief in one way.  It was a slog, physically producing that much work, but to say goodbye to Tommy and Natt was quite a tearful experience.  I do miss them, but at the same time, it was the right end.  They had to go.  Garth [Ennis] and I were adamant that [UNCLEAR, BUT HE SAYS SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF “THEY HAD TO DIE], otherwise it would ruin the whole thing anyway.  People ask us if there’s a chance with the New 52 of bringing them back.  No.

JB:  It was one of the greatest endings in comics ever.

JM:  Part of it’s the fact that it’s finite.  You have the whole story, and it’s not just rolling on and on forever.  They lived by the gun, they had to die by the gun.  It was the right ending.  It improves the story, I think.

JB:  Very Butch and Sundance.

JM:  Oh God yes.  I think Garth wrote that in the script.  It was Natt who said it, wasn’t it?

JB:  Yeah.  Why do you think the book didn’t hit it off with a wider audience?



JM:  Garth and I always intended for it to be finished around about . . . originally we hoped for seventy issues.  There were a few other stories we wanted to tell, one of them being the JLA/HITMAN story, which we eventually did.  DC told us at a certain point that the sales are okay.  Probably pretty good by today’s standards, but for the time they were okay.  They were going to cancel it.  We had a choice between finishing it at 60 and finishing it properly the way we wanted to, chopping out the non-essential stories, or we might make it [to 70] or we might not.  We didn’t want to risk that, so we just finished it.

JB:  That sounds like the smart way to go.

JM:  Well, DC were honest and decent about it.  They let us know, so . . . it could have been a disaster.  It has a good, solid fan base, it just wasn’t big enough to continue the series.

JB:  There is still one character from the book lurking around the DCU somewhere.  Will there ever be a Bueno Excellente one-shot?  [Come on, you all knew I was going to ask it.]

JM:  We’re all hoping for that.  He was one of the most deranged human beings I ever got to draw.  Him, and possibly Six-Pac is still around.  I think a mini-series would be a pretty sweet thing.  An untold story, four issues.  If only people had realized how wonderful a superhero team [Section Eight] were, like the JLA.  We could have had action figures.  A little wind-up guy, or maybe a Dog Welder with detachable dogs.  What I would do for that!

JB:  You and Garth Ennis do a lot of work together.  How did you guys meet up?



JM:  We went to school together.  We’re from Belfast, and he was in my brother’s year at school.  He knew I was into comics, and after I finished school, one of the first things I did was run a comics shop.  I started one of the only comics shops in Belfast, and Garth used to come in and buy his comics.  One day, he just said we should do a book, and that turned into TROUBLED SOULS about the Troubles in Northern Ireland.  It was very successful, and that was that.

JB:  TROUBLED SOULS also has Dougie and Ivor from DICKS.

JM:  That’s true.  That is true.  They were incidental characters in TROUBLED SOULS.  We kinda-sorta made fun of them.  Garth in particular is not enamored of TROUBLED SOULS, so he kind of wanted to piss all over it.  He used Dougie and Ivor as a way to do that.  We’re working on a new book in the series now.  Garth’s written it all, finished it about two years ago, and I’ve been slowly grinding my way through it.  I’m on issue four at the moment.  Two more to go.

JB:  Some of the covers are pretty crazy.  Is there anything you wouldn’t put on the cover of DICKS?

JM:  I haven’t run into it yet.  There might be.  There are a few things, but I don’t want to even answer for fear of getting arrested.  So far, not yet.

JB:  Garth Ennis has a reputation for going a bit too far, like with CROSSED.  Would you ever want to work on the book?

JM:  I read one issue of CROSSED, and that was just about enough for me.  It was too much for me.  When I read a comic, I like to enjoy myself, not be harrowed to the marrow.  It was too harrowing for me.

JB:  Have you ever thought to yourself that you might be going too far with DICKS?

JM:  Oh God no.  Never.  When I first started doing these books, William [Christensen, editor-in-chief of Avatar Press] kept saying, “No, no, no, you haven’t got the idea.  Not enough.  Not enough.  You’ve got to make it worse.”  Now, I think I’m at the level I think he’s happy with.

JB:  If you had to be Dougie or Ivor, which one would it be?

JM:  My God, what a choice!  Uh . . . probably Ivor.  He’s just happy in his own self-absorbed moronic way.  Dougie’s just miserable because he’s relatively intelligent and can see the terrible travesty which is his life.  So yeah, I think it’d be Ivor.

JB:  Can you talk about what’s in store for us with DICKS 3?

JM:  Satan and the Dong are both back.  They’ve teamed up, and they’re trying to destroy the world.  It’s up to Dougie and Ivor to travel through time, collecting the icons of bigotry that the Dong are using to destroy the world.  They have to go back in time to gather these objects in order to stop the Dong.  Much hilarity ensues.  At one point, Dougie and Ivor get to meet Garth and myself.  They end up in our studio . . . by, uh, complete coincidence, and even more hilarity ensues.

JB:  So they get to meet their gods?

JM:  Exactly!  Not just meet them, they do quite a lot more.

JB:  That sounds very cool.  What else do you have coming up besides the new DICKS?

JM:  I’m working on MARS ATTACKS for IDW.  I’ve finished the ten issues, which was supposed to be continuing, but they decided to can it and do mini-series instead.  I’ll be doing MARS ATTACKS/JUDGE DREDD, a four issue mini-series which is written by Al Ewing, who writes JENNIFER BLOOD as well.  It’s fantastic.  It should be out in the not-to-distant future.  I’m working on something called PROGENITOR, which is written by Phil Hester for David Lloyd’s new online comic called ACES WEEKLY.  So, I’m busy.

JB:  Speaking of IDW, they have a lot of franchises from the ‘Eighties.  Is there any one of those that you’d like to work on?



JM:  I wouldn’t mind doing the Turtles.  I like the Turtles.  I’m not really a TRANSFORMERS guy.

JB:  What about G.I. JOE?

JM:  When I was breaking into comics, I did two stories for ACTION FORCE, which is the British name for G.I. Joe.  I did a Snake-Eyes five-pager, and I did a Storm Shadow five-pager.  I enjoyed those.  I like the ninja guys.  I would love to do Snake-Eyes.

JB:  Thank you very much for your time.

JM:  It’s been a pleasure.  Cheers.

At about that point, he realized that he’d forgotten about his previous sketch, which he put the final touches on before starting the sketch for me.  I requested Tommy Monaghan and Natt from HITMAN sitting at Noonan’s bar, just having a drink, and the request seemed to surprise McCrea, but he was happy to do it.  I hung out with him, just talking while he drew.  I told him about how even my mother enjoyed reading HITMAN almost as much as I did.  We talked about other things Mom liked to read, which comprised of a lot of Garth Ennis’s work.  It was one of the few things that brought me and her together, especially near the end of her life.

While we hung out, talking about this and that (he mentioned that he was persona non grata over at DC, except for the short he did for GHOSTS), I can’t tell you how many fans came up and saw what he was doing for me.  Each and every single one of them said, “That is the coolest sketch ever.”  One of them said, “I wish I’d thought of that.”  I talked with a lot of fellow fans while McCrea worked, and I discovered that I’m not alone in thinking that some of the best parts of HITMAN were the quiet moments at the bar, when Tommy and Natt were just shooting the shit, maybe talking about THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY.  Why?  Well, it’s because that’s what I do with my friends.  I hang out in bars and just talk the night away.  I felt a real connection with Tommy and the boys in those moments.

I was going to run a scan of the sketch he did at the end of this piece, but I think I’ll save it for my wrap-up.  It is seriously that good.  Stay tuned!

EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #16: HITMAN

[NOTE: As much as I wanted to make this one a Forgotten Comic Books column, I just couldn’t. Far too many people remember this one, even if it was brutally murdered by bad sales when it should have been elevated beyond measure as the greatest DC book ever. Still and all, if you have ANY ambitions of reading Garth Ennis and John McCrea’s HITMAN series, you might not want to read this. Here there be spoilers. Ye’ve been warned. Eh, what the hell. I’ll warn you before we get to the big spoilers. Read on.]



Do you know what I would do if I ever found myself in a position of power in the world? If my name is ever big enough to hold clout in the creative industries, I hereby pledge to make a TV series out of the greatest DC comic book ever published (even better than JONAH HEX, and I hold that title in high regards): HITMAN. You see, I’ve long stated that my favorite comic book of all time is PREACHER, but I miss HITMAN so much more. It ended long before it had to. This book, well, it couldn’t go on forever, but it could have gone on a lot longer than it did. It’s just that not enough people were reading it, which makes no sense to me. Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Green Lantern, they’re all unworthy of their readership. Well, maybe not Batman, but the rest can go fuck themselves.


You know the best part? I could probably make this TV series on network channels. Sure, there’s a lot of violence, drinking, smoking, and people acting far below an acceptable moral level, but there’s no cursing. There’s no nudity. Writer Garth Ennis even figured out how to make the no-cursing thing seem realistic: the guy who curses the most swore to his dying mother that he’d stop. Therefore, “fuck” and “shit” doesn’t exist in these pages.


I wouldn’t get any big names for the main characters, but I know the series inside and out. I know the characters. I know what makes this a great series. I would make this right, and you would all love it. I’m willing to bet that if I count you among people I would honestly call a friend, you would LOVE this book. Love it like no other. Because if I don’t think you would like this book, I would deem you unworthy of friendship.

Fuck it. The real reason I’m writing this is because I miss HITMAN more than ever, and I want to talk about it. If you’ve never come upon Tommy Monaghan before, I’d like to introduce you. If you’re familiar with Tommy and the boys at Noonan’s, it’s time to reminisce.


Once upon a time, a newcomer to American comics named Garth Ennis, who was only known for writing HELLBLAZER at the time, and his close friend and longtime artistic collaborator, John McCrea, took over the helm of THE DEMON from Alan Grant. The timing was perfect, because shortly after they started, they got the chance to take part in DC’s crossover at the time, Bloodlines. You might remember that this was when a bunch of aliens came to our planet and attacked a bunch of humans. Most of the victims died, but some of them developed superpowers and thus became the new generation of DC superheroes.

The future writer of THE BOYS, Ennis knew even then that he didn’t care for superheroes, so he took the opportunity, in the second DEMON annual, to introduce the world to the hitman with a heart of gold, Tommy Monaghan. While getting ready to take out a big-time mobster via sniper rifle, a Bloodlines alien named Glonth attacks his target. Unfortunately, Glonth notices Monaghan and attacks him.


The mobster is unlucky and dies. Tommy is . . . well, more fortunate. Instead, he wakes up in a hospital with x-ray vision and the ability to read people’s minds. It’s a bit hard for him to control (he wears a pair of sunglasses, even at night, to give him that extra layer so he doesn’t have to spend his life looking at people as skeletons all the time), and it hurts like a bitch (so he spends a lot of his time drinking to kill the pain). But with these newfound abilities, he adopts the name Hitman (although he never uses it himself ever again) and exclusively takes on metahuman jobs. Well, okay, he still takes on mobsters for pizza and beer money. But mostly, if you’ve got a pesky supervillain hanging around, he’ll take the job.


In Tommy’s first adventure as Hitman, he goes to the wake of the mobster Glonth killed, mostly to kill the mobster’s sons, a set of conjoined twins who have put a contract out on Monaghan’s head. In an orgy of blood and violence, Tommy kills one of the twins (which leads to a pretty funny story later on in his life) and meets Etrigan for the first time (also something that will lead to more hilarity down the line).


I don’t know if Ennis meant for Tommy to be a recurring character, but the fans spoke, and he became very popular. He made a couple more appearances in THE DEMON before Ennis ended the book. [HERE’S THAT SPOILER WARNING] In Tommy’s last appearance in the book, he took part in one of the awesomest story arc conclusions ever. He helps Jason Blood, Etrigan’s human host, steal the Demon’s heart. Etrigan, ever popular for his rhyming speech patterns, suddenly loses his playful nature and starts speaking straightforwardly for the first time ever. Now, Tommy’s a pretty questionable sort, but let’s face facts, Etrigan is actually evil. So it’s only natural that Tommy would want to help put the Demon down. However, when he sees just how helpless Etrigan is, he can’t help but add insult to injury . . . BY PINCHING THE DEMON’S CHEEK AND CALLING HIM A BIG PUSSYCAT. (Oh yes, that move does indeed lead to more insanity later. Tommy has made himself an enemy for life with that little move.) [END OF SPOILERS . . . FOR NOW.]

Shortly after the demise of THE DEMON, Ennis and McCrea were given the chance to let Tommy have his own monthly book. In April 1996, HITMAN #1 was unleashed on the world, and the DCU was never the same. It begins simply, with these words: “My name’s Tommy Monaghan, and I kill people for money. It’s a living.” He then goes on to kick off his first story arc by puking on Batman, accepting a job to break into Arkham Asylum and kill the Joker, and battling with a multi-armed Nazi monster called the Mawzir. Hot shit! And over the course of the next few years, SHIT JUST KEPT GETTING BETTER!


Welcome to the Cauldron, which is essentially Gotham City’s version of Hell’s Kitchen. On a particularly dingy street corner squats Noonan’s bar, proprietor Sean Noonan. This is where Tommy Monaghan and all of his friends hang out. We learn over the course of the years that Tommy was an orphan left on Sean’s doorstep as a baby. The bartender then raised young Tommy up alongside his own son, Pat. Sean, a retired hitman himself, pretty much caters to other hitmen. Pat doesn’t go down that path, but he’s more than happy to help “manage” Tommy’s business. Also present are Ringo, Tommy’s main competition and also one of his closest friends, and Hacken, who talks a good game but is ultimately Gotham’s biggest moron. Later on, an old friend from Tommy’s days in the Marines joins the cast, Natt the Hatt, who also, it turns out, is a hitman.


Let’s not forget about Sixpack, the resident drunkard. He believes that he’s a superhero, and he certainly dresses like one, but to give you an idea of what he’s like, he once got drunk and passed out in an alley in the winter, pissing himself. Later, he thought he’d been in a battle with Mr. Freeze. Yeah, he’s like that.


And he’s not alone. He’s the leader of Section Eight, the greatest superhero team to ever grace a comic book page. For example, among their ranks is the Defenestrator, who carries a window with him for the express purpose of throwing evildoers through it. Then there’s Flem Gem, who spits radioactive gunk at bad guys. And how about Dog Welder, who welds dogs to criminals’ faces? But my favorite of all is Bueno Excellente, who fights crime with the power of perversion. Meaning, he sneaks up on the bad guys and rapes them.

With such an august cast, how can you ignore this book? It’s so batshit crazy and off the wall that it is IMPOSSIBLE to ever get bored with this book. And to top it all off, none of these characters are safe. Guess how many of these guys are still alive at the end of the series. Go on. Guess. I’ll tell you a bit later on.


The adventures these guys share are incredible. Remember the time Tommy went up against Nightfist? Yeah, you know the guy. He’s the vigilante who takes on drug dealers . . . so he can steal their drugs . . . so he can do them. Or how about when the Green Lantern stopped by Noonan’s and revealed himself to be a cheapskate? I’ll never forget the Zombie Night at the Gotham Aquarium. Who would? A mad scientist decides to make a bunch of fish and penguins and walruses into zombies?! But I really hold dear the Ace of Killers story arc, when Etrigan returned to Gotham. Catwoman was in on that one. Tommy was real fuckin’ glad to have x-ray vision for that one. [SPOILERS AGAIN] Remember when I said that Tommy had made an enemy for life with that face-pinching incident? Etrigan came back and bargained hard. Some of you may recall that was how he got his heart back. Of course, his grand scheme of betrayal almost got Tommy and Natt killed, but it gave us one of the more memorable characters back from the world of THE DEMON: Baytor. Come on, you know Baytor. Everyone knows Baytor. He goes on to become the back-up bartender at Noonan’s, where the only thing he will ever say is I AM BAYTOR! [END OF SPOILERS]


Tommy and the boys even managed to get in on some of the bigger DC crossovers, like the Final Night, when all the hitmen were stuck in Noonan’s, discussing the time they came closest to getting killed. Shit, Ennis even managed to get Tommy in on the 1,000,000 crossover. Remember that one? Where all of DC’s creators tried to envision what the millionth issue of each book would be like? Seeing as how Tommy is a mere mortal, there is no way in hell he’d be still alive for the millionth issue, so . . . Ennis came up with this time travel thing which has to be read to be believed. (Best part about this one? Look at the cover below. TOMMY IS LIGHTING HIS CIGARETTE WITH A LIGHT SABER!)

I’m not going to talk about every storyline they went through. They’re all awesome, and if you haven’t read them, you need to. It isn’t always about humorous violence and blood orgies. Some of them are pretty serious, like when Tommy finds out who his real father is and, in response to his sister being murdered by the old man, he goes to Ireland to kill the bastard. Or when Tommy goes up against bloodthirsty SAS soldiers, and in the aftermath, he becomes so ashamed of his lifestyle that he and the boys hire themselves out to what they believe is a good cause: a war in another country that turns out to be royally fucked. Or the time when Sixpack actually does save the world.


But for each of those times, something ridiculous happens, like Tommy going back in time and facing off against a T-rex.

And it all leads up to the final storyline, “Closing Time.” [SPOILERS HERE, AND THIS TIME, I FUCKING WELL MEAN IT.] Readership of this book was so low near the end that DC had no choice but to cancel it. However, they were gracious enough to let Ennis bring it to a logical conclusion. Boy, did he ever. Remember how I said very few of these guys are still alive by the end of the book? Only a handful make it. Tommy is not among them. Of Noonan’s boys, only Hacken remains standing at the end. Well, Baytor, too. He’s still tending bar in Sean’s absence. Of Section Eight, only Bueno Excellente still roams the earth.


When it comes down to it, all who remain are Tommy and Natt, trying their best to save a poor pregnant woman who has been targeted by a metahuman regulatory committee. Pinned down by sniper fire, Tommy gets his hand blown off, and as he and Natt run away, trying to escape, Natt gets shot in the chest. They run for the helicopter that’s going to get them out of here, but Natt falls down, unable to continue. Tommy could have easily gotten away. No problem.


But he’s a loyal guy. He goes back, guns blazing, intent on saving his best friend’s life . . . and he gets gunned down for it. The final panel of issue 60 shows Tommy and Natt, blown to shit, breathing out their last.


[END OF SPOILERS]


So, what does it take to make a good Tommy Monaghan? Quick wit. A lot of charm. A healthy dose of devil-may-care with a pinch of heart-of-gold. A lot of love, but a good reserve of hate on call, just in case. And loyalty. A lot of that.

Six years later, Garth Ennis and John McCrae gave us a gift. You see, a while ago, Ennis was supposed to write a JLA special in which Tommy guest starred, but it never happened. DC condensed it to two special issues, and we got the pleasant surprise of seeing Tommy in action once again. In November and December of 2007, we got the JLA/HITMAN crossover, in which Superman tells a reporter the story of how Tommy Monaghan saved his life and the lives of Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman, and the Flash when a new strain of Bloodlines aliens came to their moon base. The final five pages of issue two are the perfect epilogue to Tommy Monaghan’s story. Read it and see for yourselves.


Here’s my gift to you: a list of all of Tommy Monaghan’s appearances. Not all of them are written by Garth Ennis (as Tommy is owned by DC, not by his creators), but I think you’ll enjoy them all.


THE DEMON ANNUAL #2
THE DEMON #43-45 and 52-54
HITMAN #1-60 (obviously)
HITMAN ANNUAL #1
HITMAN #1,000,000
HITMAN VS. LOBO #1
JLA/HITMAN #1-2
THE BATMAN CHRONICLES #4
JLA #5
SOVEREIGN SEVEN #26
AZRAEL #35
RESURRECTION MAN #9-10
SUPERMAN 80-PAGE GIANT #1

Happy reading! I leave you with this final word on HITMAN:

JOHN McCREA AT C2E2

When you’ve been to as many conventions as I have been to, you get used to seeing a lot of the same faces. You get a good feel for who will be there and who will not. This helps you prepare what you want to bring to get signed.



When I saw online that John McCrea, artist of HITMAN, DICKS, and THE BOYS, among others, was going to be there this year, I couldn’t believe it. I have NEVER heard of him coming to Chicago. Ever. Here was that chance to get some things signed. I had the first appearance of Tommy Monaghan in BLOODLINES that was signed by Garth Ennis at the second convention I ever went to, and here was my chance to get the artist to sign it. I was very, very happy.


I first saw him at the Dynamite panel, as my faithful readers will recall, and I spent a good portion of my Saturday tracking him down for a signing. At first he was going to be at the Hero Initiative booth, which was kind of a bitch to find. When I did, he wasn’t there yet, so I shopped around a bit. He soon showed up, but by the time I got over there, his line was capped off . . . at five people. Why? Everyone wanted sketches from him.


Which is understandable. This is a convention, after all, and he is an artist. I noticed that he was charging for sketches and autographs, but not for himself. It looked like all proceeds were going to the Hero Initiative. I was perfectly willing to pay whatever it took to get some of these books signed, but I was told that his schedule was full for now. He said that he’d be in artists alley for the rest of the day.


Which is weird, because when I went over there later, he wasn’t charging anything, meaning that Hero Initiative had just turned away money.


Anyway, a few hours later, I went to artists alley and hung around until he showed up. It’s a good thing I did, because as soon as he arrived, a line immediately formed. Thanks to my proximity, I was second in line. He then asked who was here for sketches and who was here for book signing. When he got a clear picture, he said that he would honor book signings first, since those always went fast.


I have to say, that was very gentlemanly of him. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stuck in long lines because of people who wanted sketches. And don’t even talk to me about the Tony Moore debacle a few years ago.

I asked him how many books he’d be willing to sign, holding up a stack. He said he’d sign them all if I gave a $5 donation to the Hero Initiative. Holy shit, talk about fair! I handed over the books and the money, and he started signing. When he came upon my copy of TROUBLED SOULS, he asked me where I’d gotten it. I told him that I’d rescued it from the garbage at the library. He said that he didn’t think it had ever been issued in hardcover, which confused him. I told him I thought that maybe the book had been damaged, and the library had sent it to a bindery to get it fixed.


And then the hilarious part began. Has anyone here seen the offensive covers to Avatar’s DICKS series? Then you’ll understand why McCrea suddenly became nervous signing them in front of a mother and her child. At first, he tried covering up the really nasty bits, but after a while, those nasty bits became bigger and bigger and bigger.


The mother turned her kid away. Inwardly, I smiled.

And then McCrea reached the Christmas special. This one depicts the main character bawling his eyes out and praying, and Satan hovers above him, his giant cock just about to touch the protagonist’s head. Above both cock and character, Satan holds some mistletoe.

Yeah, McCrea held this one as close to his chest as he signed it. When he was done, he said that he felt kind of dirty. “Serves me right, though. I drew those covers.”


I thanked him and went on my way. Later, when I got home, I saw that he’d signed across Satan’s cock, and I couldn’t help but laugh.