THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #26: REVIEW OF HELLBLAZER HARD TIME

[This is another one where I come off as a raging asshole. I have changed my mind about everything I said here (except the part about the logo, as I still prefer the original). Richard Corbin, as I believe I’ve mentioned here before, really is a horror master. I was just stupid and inexperienced with the comic book world back then. Also, I have since learned to love Azzarello’s run. The prison stuff was a bit iffy, but all my doubts were met by the end of that storyline. It laid the groundwork for John Constantine’s journey to the heart of the American dream. Looking back, I fucking love it now. Also, at the time I was unaware of why Warren Ellis was kicked off the book. It was for a one-shot story involving a shooting at a public school. Unfortunately, this happened just after Columbine. Vertigo thought publishing it would be in bad taste. Ellis walked out on the rest of his run. Vertigo eventually published that story. It was pretty good. Anyway, this was in the Elmhurst College Leader on April 24, 2000.]

Okay, this has got to stop. Hellblazer has had its ups and downs (thankfully, there have been more ups), but the latest story arc, Hard Time, is quite possibly the lowest Vertigo’s longest-running title (not counting the newly resurrected Swamp Thing) has ever sunk.

First of all, give credit where credit is due. Writer Brian Azzarello has one of the greatest ears for dialogue in comic books. He took a pretty dull comic from the ‘Sixties called Jonny Double and gave it a hard-edged cynical look for the ‘Nineties that was simply beautiful and gruesome at the same time. He writes another ongoing series called 100 Bullets, a formulaic concept that he somehow manages to write wonderfully every month. There is no doubt as to his abilities as a writer.

Tim Bradstreet, the cover artist, has published some amazing pieces of artwork in the past, from his haunting Unknown Soldier covers to his earlier Hellblazer covers, all very spooky stuff.

As for artist Richard Corbin, well, he just sucks. His drawings look like a child’s dolls. He’s supposedly a horror master, but if he is, then Ronald McDonald is God. Sean Phillips, with his use of shadows (perfected by skipping pencils and going directly to inks) and rough drawings is a horror master, but not Corben and his doll-like drawings.

Corben excepted, Azzarello and Bradstreet have proven themselves in the past as worthwhile. However, with the Hard Time storyline, their talent has gone to hell. Bradstreet seems to have lost his eerie edge (which is also evident in his Punisher covers)—he’s grown sloppy with his shadowing technique, and it looks like he’s trying to imitate Corben.

As for Azzarello, he broke one of the rules that has made Hellblazer such a strong comic book for so long: whenever a new writer takes up the reins, the writer always wanders into protagonist John Constantine’s mind and world. Instead, Azzarello plucks Constantine out of his scummy, disease-ridden angst-ridden London and throws him into an American prison. What’s he there for? Azzarello still hasn’t answered that. Constantine has engaged in ample badness in the past, but he’s an ace at avoiding the authorities.

What it comes down to is yet another story about how bad prison life is. Just what the world needs . . . There are times when Hellblazer wants to go back to its more terrifying self, like the bloody shower scene in #146, but for the most part, the horror Azzarello is emphasizing is the horror of prison. You know, sodomy, cigarette debts, skinheads, the occasional body cavity search form a gloved screw, the usual stuff. Again, the dialogue is great, but whatever happened to the old Constantine? The one that tricked the Satan into curing his lung cancer? The one that couldn’t keep his friends alive?

Azzarello, in a recent interview, said that he wanted to emphasize the con man side of Constantine, but the thing is, that’s not all he ever did. Besides, he usually had a reason to screw people over. Here, there’s no reason—he’s just in prison screwing a lot of people over and up.

Azzarello isn’t the right writer for the job. Whatever happened to Warren Ellis’s run? Granted, his one-shot issues weren’t that great, but his Haunted story arc was the last great Hellblazer story. Bad artists are common in Hellblazer, but there has never been a bad writer. Again, Azzarello isn’t a bad writer, but he’s just not right for this comic book.

Oh yeah, and the new trademark sucks, too. Forget the high-tech crap and go back to the old trademark—it was much better.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #88: COMIC BOOK READER

In the wake of the new season of COMIC BOOK MEN, I feel the need to talk about my love of comic books. Since I started reviewing comic books for the Elmhurst College LEADER in 1998, I've been considered a comic book reader. To be fair, I did this long before. I loved comics when I was a kid, and I didn't stop until Marvel's incarnation of THE TRANSFORMERS ended, much to my chagrin. Years later, CJ, a friend I'd met during my senior year of high school, got me back into comics with EVIL ERNIE, PREACHER and HITMAN. Three years later, I was writing reviews for the LEADER as the first comic book reviewer EVER on staff. My time there won me an award from the Chicago TRIBUNE. (I got two, actually, but I only got one for my comic book work.)


Still, whenever I mention my love of comic books, people assume I'm talking about superheroes. This pisses me off a great deal, because not all comic books are about superheroes. In fact, I don't like superheroes. I know, that's blasphemy in this age of Marvel movies. Let me make myself clear: I love the superhero movies, but I can't stand the superhero comic books. I'm not condemning those books. It's a matter of taste. I don't like them, but I don't hate people who like them. That's your business, not mine.


I don't really read superhero comic books. The only time I do is when a writer I respect is writing them. There are a handful of great superhero stories, I think. One of them is obviously WATCHMEN. Another is THE BOYS, which is one of the greatest comic books ever written. I loved Mark Millar's take on OLD MAN LOGAN. The same goes for David Morrell's take on SAVAGE WOLVERINE. And then there's books like Brian Azzarello's WONDER WOMAN and so on and so forth.


But ultimately, those aren't the books I'm interested in, aside from THE BOYS. I think superheroes are stupid. I find it's a fucking shame that the average person isn't aware that comic books are more than some person wearing skintight underwear facing off against criminal/evil alien villains. I want PREACHER. I want TRANSMETROPOLITAN. I want 100 BULLETS. And yes, I want LOCKE & KEY. How about AMERICAN VAMPIRE? Or DICKS? Or CROSSED? Or THE FADE OUT? Or CRIMINAL or FATALE? FBP? SAGA? SEX CRIMINALS? STRAY BULLETS? TREES? How about DORK and MILK AND CHEESE? I could go on forever, but most average people, whenever they think of comic books, will think about Superman, Batman, the X-Men, Spider-Man and whoever else wears spandex tight enough to show the shape of their genitals.


I love Tommy Monaghan, one of the few guys in the old DCU who took the piss out of superheroes on a regular basis. He puked on Batman and showed how Green Lantern was a cheapskate. Or how about THE BOYS, who policed the degenerate supes?


But . . . the loyal fans of HITMAN remember very well that there was one superhero who had earned Tommy's trust: Superman. And just like that, I can appreciate certain things about the comic book superheroes.


Whenever someone brings something cool into the Stash on COMIC BOOK MEN, I can truly appreciate it. I'm wowed. I'm very interested to see how these things turn out, because they're historical documents.


But let's be honest. Superheroes should have died out long ago. Marvel manages to keep them alive, for the most part. I don't like a lot of their methods, but they have their hearts in the right place. DC, on the other hand, has driven their titles into the ground. They don't know what the fuck they're doing. If their BATMAN/SUPERMAN movie succeeds, it will only be because people were curious enough to see it. Not because it's great, though.


Some superheroes are immortal, and that's fine. Those who aren't should have been released a while ago. The Big Two work constantly to reinvent these characters, but in all honesty, I think they should just be released. If they continue with new people behind the mask, then it's the same ol' bullshit as ever. If there's a reboot, no matter how much you change it, it's still the same ol' bullshit as ever. If you let these characters die? They can serve a narrative purpose.


Reboots only serve as commercial agents. Actually killing characters off would serve stories very well. Not like I give a shit. Just give me my non-superhero books, and I'll be satisfied.


But what the fuck do I care? You guys fuck around with your superhero comics, and I'll stay over here with the other stuff. Goodnight, fuckers.

COOL SHIT 7-18-13

BROTHER LONO #2:  I can’t tell you how awesome it is to be back in Lono’s world.  After the events at the end of 100 BULLETS, he is most definitely a changed man.  In this issue, we learn how he wound up at the mission, but more importantly, we learn how he handles himself these days in the face of violence.  For a guy who used to be an absolute lunatic, he has learned to rein himself in.  He gets a gun shoved in his face in one scene, and all he can say, very quietly and calmly, is “sorry.”  But it is clearly not easy for him.  Eduardo Risso is very good at showing the wavering, flowing violence just crawling beneath Lono’s skin.  There is no way Brian Azzarello is going to let him make it to the end of this mini-series without cracking some skulls.  I can’t wait to see where this is going!

ARSENIC LULLABY:  THE BIG STALL:  Not too long ago, writer and artist Douglas Paszkiewicz was ready to just give up on his long-running indie book, THE ARSENIC LULLABY.  And then, someone told him about Kickstarter, so he decided to give it a shot as a last ditch effort to keep the book alive.  I jumped on this motherfucker as soon as I heard about it, and so did a lot of other people.  Now, THE BIG STALL is finally out, and it’s awesome as all hell.  A lot of it is a collection of strips he did for MAD, but they decided they were too harsh for their readership.  And yeah, they were probably right.  Of course, Paszkiewicz is a harsh bastard, as we all know, and it’s perfect for HIS readership.  There are also a few bigger stories in here, like “Baron Von Donut Ruins Xmas” and my personal favorite, “Sympathy for Cthulhu,” in which Cthulhu goes to a newspaper office and tries to figure out a way he could get people to panic in his name.  He goes to great fuckin’ depths to achieve this, some Machiavellian shit, but the funniest part is how mundane his real plan is.  One of my favorite lines is when Cthulhu says, “All the decent ‘joiner’ types get into the KKK or Satan worshipping.  All I get are disgruntled English lit students.”  You’ll also find a lot of WIZARD OF OZ humor, a few Nazi laughs, a few jokes at the expense of tsunami-flattened cities, and a Rabbi who circumcises babies by throwing knives at them.  Only those with a nasty sense of humor need apply.  (And hey!  Look at that!  There’s my name on the Special Thanks page!)

EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #21: THE FINAL WORD ON BEFORE WATCHMEN

[SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO POST THIS.  IT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED RIGHT AFTER THE SERIES ENDED.  C2E2 COVERAGE GOT IN THE WAY OF THAT, SO I’M PROBABLY TOO LATE TO THIS PARTY.]

When I first heard that DC was going to do BEFORE WATCHMEN, I think my reaction was the same as everyone else’s:  WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?  WATCHMEN is perfect on its own.  Why would you cheapen it with a marketing ploy like that?

But of course, I was curious.  I had to find out what it was really like.  It boggled my mind that there were so many different titles dedicated to this.  It seemed like overkill to me, and it just reeked of sales desperation.

Now that the whole thing is over, I can say that it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  DC put some of their best writers on this project, from Brian Azzarello to Darwyn Cooke to Len Wein to J. Michael Straczynski.  If they absolutely had to do this project, at least they did it as well as they could.  Sure, it was nothing more than a scheme to make more money off a prestigious title, but at least they didn’t half-ass it.  They really wanted to make this the best they could.

That doesn’t mean it was good.  But it was better than expected.

The 

worst had to be NITE OWL.  Let’s face it, Dan Dreiberg isn’t an interesting guy in his prime.  He only becomes interesting when he’s a fat has-been who has a difficult time getting it up when he’s not in the suit.  As a superhero in his prime, he’s completely bland.  He did not need his own book, especially since it had very little to do with the direction the others were taking.

Truthfully, I didn’t care for “The Curse of the Crimson Corsair” feature at the back of almost every book.  It seems to only exist to fill in for the “Tales of the Black Freighter.”  There is very little creativity there.  It looked pretty neat, but there was very little substance there.

SILK SPECTRE was all right.  Again, it didn’t tie in with the direction of the others, but it was kind of cool as a stand-alone.  You already know my thoughts on the DOLLAR BILL one-shot.  MINUTEMEN was actually a cool concept, filling in some details that were left out of the original WATCHMEN.  OZYMANDIAS was a bit plain for my likes, although the layouts knocked me the fuck out.

However, DR. MANHATTAN was pretty interesting.  At first, I thought they were going to use this book to change the original WATCHMEN story, which I would have been furious about.  Luckily, it didn’t go that way.  Like with OZYMANDIAS, the layouts were pretty impressive.

The big surprise was how disappointing RORSCHACH was for me.  It was cool to see Rorschach in action, but it was almost a throwaway story.  It didn’t bring anything new to the table.  It tried to explain a bit why he is the way he is, but the thing is, we already have enough information to determine that.

On the other hand, MOLOCH brought a lot of cool shit to the table.  It is easily my second favorite.  We don’t get a lot of him in the original WATCHMEN, so it’s good to get his back story.

My favorite?  COMEDIAN, of course.  There was so much going on with this book that after a while, it might even be easy to see him as the main character of the WATCHMEN universe, even though he dies in the first few pages of Alan Moore’s graphic novel.  Azzarello brought the most to the table with this one.

All in all, I think it was worth my money.  Not much more than that, though.  There is one big concern, though.  You know how sometimes, people get into an argument over how a newcomer should watch STAR WARS?  Some people are of the opinion that you should watch the original trilogy first before the newer one.  Others say you should watch it in order.

With WATCHMEN, there is no way you should read BEFORE WATCHMEN first.  I hope no one gets the impression that they should start with BEFORE.  There are waaaaaay too many spoilers in BEFORE for something like that.  These books were intended to be read after one reads WATCHMEN.

Here’s the thing:  WATCHMEN is perfectly contained within itself.  We don’t need a BEFORE WATCHMEN because Moore already gave us that in the flashbacks.  BEFORE WATCHMEN relied far too heavily on material that originated in WATCHMEN.  A lot of shit was repeated.  Ultimately, this was an exercise in futility.  But it was just good enough in the end to open my wallet.

Is it shameless in its exploitation of the original book?  Yes.  But at least you get some kind of return on that.  Should BEFORE WATCHMEN exist?  Probably not.  The only motive the company had was to make more money.  The writers and artists did their best to give it artistic merit, and they came really close to succeeding.

What do you think?  Let me know in the comments below.

C2E2 2013: THE VERTIGO PANEL

This was one of the stranger panels I went to, and all the credit/blame goes to Brian Azzarello.  Shawn McManus, Andrew Pepoy, and Will Dennis were also present for this flabbergasting clusterfuck.  Azzarello had something scathing to say about everybody and everything.  He was so surly, I wondered if maybe he’d had a few too many before taking to the stage.

No, he hadn’t been drinking, but he is a smart man.  He’s aware that Vertigo is on the very brink of shutting down.  Let’s face it, they got Constantine out of there because they didn’t want to lose him.  The only strong title they have are the FABLES related ones (I don’t count AMERICAN VAMPIRE because it’s on hiatus).  Azzarello earned a name for himself doing things like JONNY DOUBLE and 100 BULLETS, in addition to a bunch of short work for FLINCH and STRANGE ADVENTURES.  So . . . he doesn’t want Vertigo to go away.

Everyone on this panel was being wishy-washy about their own work, but Azzarello tried pumping them up.  In fact, it seemed like he was channeling Bull Murray from SCROOGED.  He wanted you to be deathly afraid of missing any of these issues.

Anyway, on to the announcements.  BROTHER LONO is not necessarily a sequel to 100 BULLETS, but it is a spin-off.  Someone, I forget who, said that this was their Laverne and Shirley.  Apparently, Azzarello and artist Eduardo Risso hashed this mini-series out in a taxi in Spain.  It looks like Lono is a religious man now, trying to atone for his life of crime.  Of course, it can’t work out very well for him.  It is an Azzarello book, after all.

Dennis mentioned that Azzarello and he were supposed to go over the final corrections the previous night in the bar, but they’d gotten drunk instead.  As a result, they started going over the corrections then and there.  Like, right in front of us.  At the fucking panel.

While they did that, the announcements continued.  They showed us the cover to FAIREST #17, but they said the cover of #15 was top secret.  They mentioned that they were starting an arc about a new character soon, but that’s all they had to say.  [NOTE:  We now know that the reason they couldn’t show the cover to 15 was because they were bringing Prince Charming back.]

FABLES #131 was next, but they talked more about Pepoy than the book.  Apparently, Pepoy had known writer Bill Willingham since the respective ages of 14 and early 20’s.  Pepoy brought his own table and set up next to Willingham at a previous Chicago con, and this led to his first Vertigo work.  Willingham brought him up to the big leagues.  Also, Pepoy has a weird fixation with the band, Men Without Hats.  He took a lot of shit for it.

THE WAKE is a book from Scott Snyder and Sean Murphy that will be released sometime in May.  It’s a horror book, but they didn’t say much else. [NOTE:  I have since read the first issue, and I still can’t tell you what it’s about.  I think we’ll finally get let in on the plot in issue 2.]

Around this point, someone mentioned a book that was on the New York Times bestseller list, and Azzarello lost his shit yet again.  “Listen, everyone is on the fucking New York Times bestseller list.  It’s overrated.  Do you people actually care about the New York Times bestseller list?”  He has a point.  Just because something is a bestseller doesn’t mean it’s good.

Anyway, speaking of Scott Snyder, AMERICAN VAMPIRE is a long way off from resuming.  In the meantime, he has a mini-series about Travis, the vampire hunter with the wooden fangs, called THE LONG ROAD TO HELL.  Fuck yeah!  He’s one of my favorite characters, aside from Skinner Sweet, of course.

Jeff Lemire has TRILLIUM coming soon.  It’s touted as the Last Love Story Ever Told.  It takes place in two different eras with two people, one from each, who fall in love with each other.  They called it THE NOTEBOOK with ray guns.  That sounds pretty cool.  Azzarello, tired of the wishy-washy marketing job done by the others, broke in yet again with, “Has Lemire written anything that sucks?  No?  Then it’s going to be a great book!”

The last announcement was COLLIDER, a new book from Simon Oliver, who did THE EXTERMINATORS (which I might feature on Forgotten Comic Books someday, even though it wasn’t that long ago).

They opened up for questions, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stick around or not, because I wanted to make the John Scalzi signing.  Eh, fuck it.  What the hell?  I got in line to ask a question.

You all probably have an idea of what I asked.  It’s the question I always ask when I have Vertigo people around.  Or when I have Garth Ennis around.  I’d ask if Steve Dillon were around, but I’ve never met the guy.  But while I was waiting in line, someone in front of me asked what work the panelists were really enjoying these days.  Pepoy said that he liked a lot of stuff coming out of Artists Alley, and he mentioned Kevin Bandt in particular.  Holy shit!  I know Kevin Bandt!  When I got home, I couldn’t rush to Facebook fast enough to tell him about Pepoy’s shout-out.

Then, it was my turn.  Yes, I asked about the final, unpublished PREACHER story, the one about the Sex Investigators.  Vertigo refused to do it because of the content.  I demanded answers.  Dennis said that it probably wasn’t going to happen, but then Azzarello blasted my balls off.  “NO!  The book’s not going to happen!  Why would you ask that stupid question?”

Dennis said that he was trying to let me down easy.  I slinked off, notifying everyone that I was going to weep myself to sleep that night.  I guess I will never get a better response to that question, so I’m going to have to retire it.  When Azzarello, who looks—coincidentally, I’m sure—a lot like the God of War in WONDER WOMAN, says something like that, I’m pretty sure it’s the truth.

So there you have it.  The biggest scoop I will ever get at one of these panels.  The last PREACHER story is never going to happen.  What a grim and sad ending to a strange and savage panel.

COOL SHIT 3-22-12

HELLBLAZER #289: I can’t get over how hard this book gets me. It’s the best it’s been in fucking years, man. Peter Milligan knows what he’s doing, and so does Giuseppe Camuncoli. But the true star is Simon Bisley, the cover artist. Holy fucking shit, would you look at that? No one has gotten to the heart of this book so well since Sean Phillips was the regular artist. It’s down and dirty. You know what you’re getting when you see that artwork. Bisley’s a fucking fiend, and I love what he’s doing. I also love that the First is still around, doing his level best to fuck John Constantine over. As a result, Constantine gets shot out of Hell and back to earth . . . buried alive. As he tries to get out, the First keeps stepping on him, demanding that Constantine finally admit that he’s lost. Naturally, Constantine shows him the typical two fingers, Britain’s version of the middle finger. Gemma has had the shit kicked out of her by her lover and Constantine’s father-in-law . . . and Epiphany kinda-sorta does something that will undoubtedly change her life (and the course of this book). As great as Azzarello and Ellis were on this book, this is the best its been since Ennis. That’s saying a lot.

WONDER WOMAN #7: Speaking of Azzarello, he continues to make this book very readable. He adds a few more Greek myths to the tale, most notably Eros (a pistol-packing granter of wishes in the realm of love) and Hephaestus (a monstrous welder of magical weapons). More importantly, Azzarello finally answers a question that probably has not been plaguing the minds of Wonder Woman fans: why do the Amazons not have any brothers? Well, who says they don’t? In perfect ancient Greek fashion, they get rid of undesirable babies. Buy the book and find out what happens to them.

FABLES #115: I’m glad to see this book back on track. Nurse Pratt inserts herself back in Fabletown and manages to fool everyone, including Old King Cole, into believing her story. But the best part about this is Therese’s journey to her new kingdom, a land of forgotten toys, where she is to be the new queen. There is something truly unsettling about these toys, especially Mr. Ives and Nan. I think they might all be batshit crazy. Good things are not in store for Bigby and Snow White’s daughter. I wish the Oz back up story was a bit better, though.

KICK-ASS 2 #7: The stunning conclusion to another Millarworld book. Of course, it is just as fucked up as you think it will be. The “superheroes” and “supervillains” are having a two-fisted battle in Times Square, and Kick-Ass finds himself facing off against Motherfucker in their final fight to the death. Well, kind of. Even though Motherfucker definitely deserves an awful death, we all know Kick-Ass doesn’t have willful murder in his soul. However, Hit-Girl is a different story. She has no problem with beheading Motherfucker’s lieutenant, an ex-KGB agent. The ending is heartbreaking, though no one can say they didn’t see it coming. It absolutely promises a third series, and that doesn’t count the forthcoming HIT-GIRL monthly, which purports to take place between the first and second series.

COOL SHIT 3-1-12

SPACEMAN #4: I swear, Brian Azzarello is doing a lot of really cool stuff with language in this book. Unlike things like A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, this lexicon actually makes sense and might even be the direction in which our own language is going. At the same time, he manages to give us an excellent crime story, just as we expect. As Orson makes yet another bad decision for a good cause, we know where everything is headed, and it’s not good for our protagonist. The other spacemen make their appearance in the modern timeline in this issue, and they seem pretty brutish to me. I can’t wait to see how this all turns out.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION #2: A lot of awesome shit happens in this book, but the real star is, of course, Roadblock. We get a peek at his childhood and find out why he is the way he is. More to the point, Mainframe was the reason he enlisted in the first place, hence his reaction to Hawk in last issue, when he wasn’t allowed to rescue him. Too bad for Mainframe; he’s found dead in this issue. It’s weird to have so many different G.I. Joe continuums. In the regular book, Mainframe’s a pretty important character, and Roadblock is pretty low key. Like I said last time, this book is so cool I have high hopes for the new G.I. Joe movie coming out soon.

COOL SHIT 2-16-12

ROAD RAGE #1: I knew I’d like this one well before I picked it up, and not just because Stephen King and Joe Hill are listed as the writers. I’m very familiar with their adapted story, “Throttle,” so I already dig the characters and the situation. (Quick note: King and Hill just approved of the story; the guy who adapted it to the page is Chris Ryall.) And come on, let’s face it, this is a wet dream come true for horror fans. Father and son working together? Who could pass it up? I first encountered it as the audio book read by Stephen Lang, and I have loved it ever since. It was originally a part of an anthology, HE IS LEGEND, a collection of stories inspired by Richard Matheson. This one was inspired by DUEL, which will be adapted next for this title. So . . . am I turned-on by this? Like a motherfucker. The only problem is Ryall is a bit rushed, so some really good exposition goes right out the window. When these bikers start getting killed by the guy in the truck, I don’t give a shit about any of them. He also cut out one of my favorite exchanges from the story, about a four-letter word for something one character does to another’s mother. (The answer: GALL.) Still, it’s a good primer for King, Hill, and Matheson’s work, so check it out.

G.I. JOE: RETALIATION #1: The more I hear about the new G.I. Joe movie, the more I want to see it. I think it might just kick the shit out of the first one, and this movie prequel helps reinforce that idea. Mainframe gets taken hostage by ninja (as we learn in this issue, the plural of “ninja” is “ninja”), and Snake Eyes and Roadblock fail to get him back. In fact, Roadblock get so pissed off he decks Hawk and gets locked up for it. Also, they’re not afraid to kill Joes off. Charbroil goes out in a pretty nasty way. The only drawback: Storm Shadow’s still alive. Fuck that pussy shit. Kill off the guy, and don’t do any take-backs.

WONDER WOMAN #6: This book flounders a lot. It’s hard to say whether it’s good or not, but the current issue has a pretty cool concept. Wonder Woman is manipulating Poseidon and Hades together in an attempt to get something that she wants. Not bad, Azzarello. Not bad. The only thing is . . . do you miss writing for HELLBLAZER? Is that what this Lennox fellow is about? Because let’s face it, aside from the whole being built of stone thing, he’s Constantine. Come on. A blond, chain-smoking trenchcoated Englishman who knows his way around magic and sardonic one-liners? Why didn’t you just use Constantine? Get him out of that awful JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK book.

THE TRANSFORMERS: MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE #2: Goddam, do I love the direction this franchise is taking! Rodimus is still trying to account for everybody after their ship nearly exploded, and in the meantime, Skids, the theoretician of the group, gets to battle robots with giant swords. Cyclonus is inducted onto the team, and . . . and . . . I’m giddy. They even have a list of the crew on the last page. This could very well be the best series in the entire run of this book, and I’m even throwing the G1 stuff in there.

HELLBLAZER #288: I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for this. Wait, actually I can: approximately 200 issues. John Constantine versus the First of the Fallen once again, and this time, the blue collar mage has chosen to take the ultimate gamble: the Devil’s Wager. The First gives him the chance to convince his sister to leave Hell, and if he succeeds, they’ll be rushed out. However, if he fails, the First gets Epiphany’s soul. And there’s a catch: any promise made in Hell must be honored in the land of the living. To add to the mess, Constantine’s evil twin is hanging around Cheryl in Hell (mostly because it’s entertaining). I cannot tell you how fucking happy I am right now. Comics have been really good to me today.

EAR THIS! SPACEMAN IS OKEE. BRAIN BIG. A review of SPACEMAN #1

It all starts with a game of rock, paper, scissors to decide which astronaut will go on a suicide mission to save the greenhouse on Mars. This being a Brian Azzarello joint, the middle finger wins out.



It seems that Azzarello is tired of working the same ol’ noir beat he’s been walking for many years. Of late, he’s been trying different paths. Perhaps it started with his run on HELLBLAZER, but it definitely came to the forefront with taking the reins on the relaunch of WONDER WOMAN. Here, with SPACEMAN, he takes a trip down the SF path with a tale of men created to be able to withstand the environment on Mars and what happened after the mission failed.


The most startling thing about the book is the language. While those in the media and the upper class speak regular English, those on the fringe, like Orson, the spaceman in question, speak a strange, dumbed down version of the language. Even though one can make perfect sense of the words, it’s kind of hard to get into. The rhythm is so off it hurts. In other words, it portrays the fringe perfectly, where everything sucks and there is no hope. It’s almost like a Robert F. Young story, but without the melancholy tone.

No, Orson’s world is too hard for sadness; bitterness reigns over all. One merely needs to read the exchange about the existence of God to see that. When Rico, another of those who live on the fringe, says, “But olee God can make life. So spaceman equals no God,” he is castigated for being mean. Orson takes it like it is: “That’s not mean, Liz. I was created by man—just like God was.”

But this isn’t just Orson’s story. In this grim future, there is a reality show where a couple of celebrities gather a bunch of orphans together and make them compete against each other to see who will be adopted by the famous. One orphan is kidnapped, and Wade and Cass are the police officers assigned to solve the case. But they run into problems when they have to talk with the couple’s lawyer, an angry Moe lookalike who demands that the police are fingerprinted before they get to talk to the couple. The lawyer has a contract of terms and conditions, and the fact that the celebrities can do this is mindboggling. But think about where our reality show culture is headed, and maybe Azzarello’s not that far off. There’s a lot of social commentary in this masterfully told tale of a future gone bad. A future that has not delivered on its promises. A future that hurts.


And as usual, he’s not alone with his vision. It seems like he was made to work with artist Eduardo Risso. They make the perfect team, like Ennis and Dillon. Risso makes the future look dank and dirty, and he makes Orson look like a strange cross between a muscle-bound human and a monkey. Yet there’s still enough to make the world look futuristic in much the same way that 1950’s movies tried, except the darkness shows everything for the filth it really is.


SPACEMAN is going to be around for nine issues, and get this: the first one is only A BUCK. That’s right, one stinkin’ dollar. What do you have to lose? Give it a shot.


SPACEMAN #1
Written by Brian Azzarello
Illustrated by Eduardo Risso
Published by DC Vertigo
25 pages
$1.00

BILL WILLINGHAM AND BRIAN AZZARELLO AT C2E2 2011

They did things a bit oddly for this year’s C2E2. Usually, when you have a couple of artists or writers sitting together for a signing, there is one line for both of them. However, at the Bill Willingham/Brian Azzarello Vertigo signing, even though both of them were sitting at the same table, they each had a separate line. I didn’t know this at the time, and I wound up getting into Willingham’s line, thinking it was for both of them.



An authoritative-looking guy with a black shirt came by to make sure the line was kept orderly, and he handed the guy behind me a placard saying that we were capped off. The guy then asked us all if we were in line for Willingham.


I said yes. “And Brian Azzarello,” I added.

“There’s a different line for him,” the guy said. “It’s on the other side.”


I squinted to see what he was talking about. Surely another line would have caught my attention. I saw Azzarello sitting at the Vertigo booth to Willingham’s right. But where was this other line?


Wait. I saw two guys standing in front of Azzarello. Was this the line? Or just the beginning? They had us off to the side so only one person at a time could approach Willingham. Was it the same way for Azzarello?


Nope. The convention curse strikes again. I personally believe Azzarello to be the greatest American comic book writer of our time. Don’t believe me? Try 100 BULLETS as a starting point. Or maybe the JONNY DOUBLE mini-series. If that isn’t mainstream enough for you, try his LEX LUTHOR mini-series. If that doesn’t set you straight, I don’t know what will.

But every time I’ve seen him at a convention, I have never seen him with a respectable line. I once saw him with five people in line for him, but that’s the biggest it has ever gotten. Shame on you, comic book readers! To put it in terms you might understand, imagine if Stephen King had a signing at your local bookstore, and no one showed up.


Anyway, I stood in Willingham’s line, and it didn’t strike me that there were a lot of people waiting to meet him, either. But I’ll tell you, that line moved as slow as FUCK. I sometimes wondered if these people were sitting down to a quick meal with the writer of FABLES while he signs their books.


There were two women in front of me wearing blue scarves. It took me a minute to figure out they were statements of their love for Blue, one of the characters in FABLES. Very subtle. I kinda’ liked it, especially since I was in a place not known for an appreciation of the little things.


But this line was moving too slowly. I looked over and saw Azzarello had nothing to do. He was just hanging out, and here I was, feeling stupid for getting in this line first. I called Leo to find out what he was doing, but he was in a panel and didn’t answer his phone. I called Cliff next, and he came by. We talked for a bit while the Willingham line just DID NOT FUCKING MOVE. Finally, I asked Cliff if he’d keep my place in line while I went over to see Azzarello. He agreed, and I moved in with my stack of books.

The authoritative-looking guy was there, and I remembered he’d said there is a five-book limit. I tried thinking about which ones I wanted signed as I approached. We greeted each other, shook hands, and I asked about the rule of five.

Azzarello looked over at the authoritative-looking guy, whose back was turned. “Forget it. I’ll sign ‘em all.” I thanked him and placed them down in front of him. During our conversation, he kept looking up to check on the guy who was clearly supposed to keep tabs on him.

“Where the fuck did you find this one?” Azzarello asked, pointing to a pre-Vertigo comic of his. I will not name the title, for reasons you’re about to learn.


I told him that the guy at the comics store I usually went to (Unicorn in Villa Park on Villa Ave. just south of St. Charles—best store in the world, bar none) stumbled upon it one day and thought I’d want it. Naturally, I scooped it up.


“I never sign this one,” Azzarello said. “I never got paid for it, so the hell with it.”

It’s a story that’s all too common in the industry, and not too many fans know about it. Sometimes, the folks who put forth the hard work to produce great works that you enjoy get stiffed by the publisher. This was one of those cases. No wonder the company went out of business.


He started signing the others, and we talked about the interview we’d done at Wizard World, and how everyone seems to think that was the best feature we did for the Napalm Assault. Azzarello had read the interview and thought it was good, but he didn’t know why people found it so interesting, since we didn’t talk a lot about comics in the interview. I’ve given it a lot of thought since then, and I suppose they find it interesting for the same reason I do: we talked not about pop culture, but CULTURE.

When he finished signing, I told him that he’d just finished signing the complete run of 100 BULLETS for me. Over the course of several years, I finally had them all signed. He told me that I am the third person to have ever told him that. “Now I have to work on Risso,” I said.

Azzarello then told me that I was in luck: at this upcoming Wizard World (if it’s still going to be called that), he will be sitting with Eduardo Risso AND Dave Johnson. To be honest, after last year’s shit-fest, I didn’t know if I was going to cover it. Now armed with this information, I can’t miss it.

Finally, he looked at the one unsigned issue and said, “What the hell.” He signed it and then wrote “FU!” under it. I thanked him, told him it was great to see him again, and I retreated to the Willingham line . . . which had not moved.

I told Cliff about what had just happened, and we shot the shit for a while before he decided to move on his way. By then, I looked over at the signing table. Only Willingham remained, and there was still a half an hour left. It’s a good thing I went up to Azzarello when I did!

After a while, the line did move a bit. As hard as it was to believe, it took me until the last minute of the signing to get up to the man himself. I asked about the rule of five, and the authoritative-looking guy said that’s indeed the rule. As I went through the books, trying to figure out which ones I wanted to get signed, I let the guy behind me go ahead. By then, seeing as how I was the last guy in line, Willingham said, “What the heck. I’ll sign them all.”

We didn’t get the chance to talk as much as we did last time (see my C2E2 2010 interview with him), as he was speaking with the authoritative-looking guy, but he signed everything I brought in. He was surprised to see an issue of FLINCH in the pile, and the two of them discussed that for a moment.


Back when I was in college, I reviewed comics for THE LEADER, and one of them was FLINCH. I remember saying that they were rehashing old ideas at the time, but I never got to rectify my opinion publicly. Now it can be said: when all was said and done, FLINCH was worth it, especially after they adapted a few Lansdale stories.

Now, apparently, I’m one of the few readers who remembered the title, and Willingham seemed grateful for it. I shook his hand, thanked him, and I went on my way.

SHIT SHIT 1-13-11

Sorry folks, but nothing interesting came out this week. In fact, it was such a small week, I’m surprised. I can actually afford tonight’s outing at Shark City. Weird.



However, since it’s the new year, I thought I would take this opportunity to mention a few things that are bothering me about the world of comics these days. Grab a helmet and buckle in. I’m kind of angry.


DC, you are my first target. Don’t worry, it’s not about the content of your books. It’s always been bad with very few exceptions. (All right, I’m still pissed off that HITMAN got canceled. It was the best book you put out since the original JONAH HEX. Fuckers.) No, my gripe is with the presentation of your new books. It’s a nice design, and it jumps off the racks, so I guess it does its job. Maybe it’s a bit plain, but that’s just my opinion. The problem, though, is the lack of identification of those who worked on the title. Where are the writer and artist’s names? I will always buy JONAH HEX, even if you send him to the future again. However, the only time I’ll read, say, BATMAN or SUPERMAN is if they are written by people I admire. I followed BATMAN when Ed Brubaker helmed the title. I read Brian Azzarello’s SUPERMAN. I would never have read GREEN ARROW if not for Kevin Smith. When their runs ended, I stopped reading. So if Garth Ennis starts writing TEEN TITANS (for whatever ungodly reason), it will benefit your company to put his name on the cover. I, for one, will buy it.


Next up: alternate takes on the G.I. JOE and/or TRANSFORMERS universe. The main story lines for these books are good enough for me. The occasional mini-series is awesome. But I don’t give a fuck about what’s going on in a parallel universe to these characters. 100% of the time, it’s lame. It’s worse than lame. I hear you say, “If you don’t like them so much, don’t read them.” Fair enough. However, there is always the danger of the alternate world crossing over with the main storyline, and nothing would piss me off more. The TRANSFORMERS ANIMATED books are horrible, by the way. I tried them, and they made me want to jab a heated sewing needle into my asshole. And while we’re at it, can we kill the TRANSFORMERS MOVIE line of books? And if G.I. JOE NOIR comes back for more issues, I will take hostages.

To a lesser extent, I hope the resurrection of the original G.I. JOE Marvel series doesn’t last long. The idea is cool. Get Larry Hama to continue the series that captivated me when I was a kid. But the new Joe books kick the shit out of this relic from the past. In fact, the book kind of comes off as naïve. Let the old continuity die. It soldiered its way through many years in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties; it has earned its rest.

One more thing: Nice Stargate, TRANSFORMERS PRIME. Who are you going to rip off next?


Here’s some praise: thank you, Vertigo, for seeing the wisdom in dumping JACK OF FABLES. It was an awesome book for a long time, but the last year or so has sucked a donkey dick. This is a smart move. That is all.

WIZARD WORLD INTERVIEWS PART FOUR

Apologies to my other subjects, but this interview is my favorite. When we found Brian Azzarello, writer of 100 BULLETS, LOVELESS, LEX LUTHOR: MAN OF STEEL, JOKER, and a number of other excellent books, on Friday, he was very reluctant to give an interview. In fact, when he finally said yes, it was on the condition that we come up with questions he hadn't been asked before. Always eager to rise up and face a challenge, I did my best, and Leo came up with a few questions, too. In the end, Mr. Azzarello complimented us, saying that we did, indeed, do a good job. I have no doubt that you will enjoy what follows, the final interview of Wizard World Week.



John Bruni: Otto Penzler recently stated that he was sick and tired of people equating detective fiction with noir. He said that noir is more about losers. Robert Bloch once said something along the same lines, but instead of losers, he said the damned. The losers and the damned, these are your protagonists. What do you think is the appeal?

Brian Azzarello: I wouldn’t go as far as to say these are losers and the damned. They are people who make mistakes, just like every one of us, which is where the appeal lies. When you read this kind of fiction, you recognize when the train goes off the rails, and it’s fascinating to watch. These characters try, usually to no avail, to bring themselves back to the right path. The motivations are so believable. “Losers” is harsh. They’re people who make mistakes. That’s what makes them relatable to me. I guess I just don’t want to call myself a loser.

JB: It does seem that all your characters are doomed from the start because they are predisposed to making those mistakes. And speaking of mistakes, even though crime rates are down these days, there seems to be more of it on TV, on the news. I was in court yesterday, and I saw maybe about five cases. The judge was so bored that he went to his chambers and said to call him if any new cases came in, that he’ll be on break until then. I know, it sounds kind of weird.

BA: It is.

JB: Why do you think there’s more violence on the news? Is it just sensationalism?

BA: Sure, it is.

JB: Do you think it’s the same thing that draws readers to crime fiction?

BA: Maybe. I think it links more to . . . look around today. Look at the crowds at this show. You think these crowds are here for Captain Kirk? They’re here for Governor Jerk.

Leo Perez: I just spoke with him.

BA: Did you?

LP: Yeah.

BA: And what did he say?

LP: He thinks he’s larger than life. I asked him what his plans are for after this, and he said that he wants to rebuild his family. And he’s also going on THE DAILY SHOW on Monday. He really didn’t have much else to say other than, he’s looking for more jobs out there that could make him seem bigger than what he is.

BA: A lot of people in this sort of situation, they take a step back from the spotlight, but he’s running towards it.

LP: He told me that Wizard World approached him.

BA: Well, somebody had to contact somebody. He’s got an agent. I don’t know what to believe there. Nobody’s going to take responsibility.

JB: Have you seen his outrageous rates?

BA: Are they any more outrageous than someone else’s?

JB: They are, actually.

LP: Eighty dollars for a photo op, fifty for an autograph.

BA: How much is Captain Kirk?

Cliff Breaux: Eighty.

JB: Really?

BA: Well, if he can get it . . . .

LP: People are giving it to him.

JB: It seems like people are getting fleeced and liking it, by people like the governor.

BA: I don’t know, do they like it? Do you think so?

JB: They’re willingly giving him money for the photo op.

BA: That doesn’t mean they like him. I think right now they like his infamy. When they announced him, there was a chorus of boos. Does that mean they like him? No, but they want his autograph. Just imagine if OJ was here. Not that I’m equating the two, but I guess I just equated the two.

LP: Will this steer you away from coming again [to Wizard World]?

BA: No, I don’t think so. But it is weird. This has turned into more of an autograph show. It’s really not about comics. I don’t know if it’s for me, anymore. C2E2, that was exclusively about comics.

LP: Is that why DC and Marvel are absent this year?

BA: No, I think that’s something to do with . . . it’s not just DC, it’s something to do with Marvel, Dark Horse, all those big guys. They’re not here, and I don’t know why. I don’t get at all the politics and stuff.

JB: Do you think it’s better to write from pain or love?

BA: You can be more objective if you’re writing from pain.

JB: That’s true. Graves rests at the heart of 100 BULLETS, but what does he really represent? Responsibility? Temptation? Indulgence? A lot of the characters seem to view him in a different light.

BA: That’s what made the character work so well. He wasn’t a chameleon-like character, but he represented something different to all the other characters. He was kind of a tabula rasa for what they wanted to project onto him. It was there. Even though he had his own agenda. He was the manipulator of the entire series. Again, people like getting fleeced.

JB: Even he seems doomed in the end. He’s the most powerful character in the story, and he’s still doomed.

BA: Nobody walked away without blood on their hands. If they walked away.

LP: In your books, I’ve noticed there’s a lot of gang involvement. Not just on the Mafia level, but street gangs. You’re spot on. Was it from personal experience? Or research?

BA: I’ve never been in a gang, but I’ve lived in this city for 20 years. It’s hard not to have personal experience. It’s interesting to see how things change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for worse. Man, you go out to the far west side, Jesus Christ. It’s desolate. Go down to Chicago and Austin, or even further south. Holy shit. It’s not always been that way. Opportunities out here have dried up for a lot of people, and that tends to leave the violence.

LP: How old were you when you moved here?

BA: I don’t know. 25? 26? I grew up in Cleveland, where there’s a lot of gang violence. I mean, not like out here. It was there, but in Cleveland, there weren’t a lot of Latin gangs. Not much back then, when I was there. The Bloods and the Crips had just started going national at that point.

JB: I just have one last question. I know you have FIRST WAVE, and there are a bunch of spin-offs from that, but do you have anything coming up that you’d like to plug?

BA: I’m working on a series right now with Eduardo Risso coming out from Vertigo probably next year or so. It hasn’t been announced, other than that we’re working on something. In the fall, LEX LUTHOR: MAN OF STEEL is being re-released as a hardcover, just like JOKER, with extra scenes we had to cut out originally because they were monthly comics, and we were stuck in the 22-page format. Now we’re ready to throw some stuff back in. It’s a nice companion to JOKER. That’s my plug.

LP: I just have one more quick question. Obviously, you’ve taken a lot of public transportation.

BA: Oh, yeah.

LP: What’s the wackiest character you’ve met, or the weirdest story you have?

BA: Oh, man. Burn Man is still the weirdest guy. I don’t know if you remember him. He was around a lot. Terribly, terribly disfigured. He’d ride the train, and he’d get up in people’s face with a sign with the story of what happened to him, and people would give him money because he was so shocking. He really didn’t have a face. He didn’t have all of his fingers, either. He was just known as Burn Man, and it was a while ago, too. The READER did a story about him. He was really a tragic figure. His burns came from crack. He fell asleep on a mattress while smoking. He was making a substantial amount of money, enough to survive while panhandling. There were doctors who were offering to help him for free, but he refused any help. He was an interesting character, that’s for sure.

JB: Do you think he’ll ever show up in your work someday?

BA: Nah, he was too over the top.

JB: Truth is stranger than fiction.

BA: Some old dude showed me his cock once. That was kind of weird.

LP: One time I was out on the orange line, and you get a lot of crazies there—-

BA: That’s where the old guy showed me his cock.

LP: --It was Christmas time, and this big, white-bearded man—-full on beard—-he stumbles in and he sits down. A little girl’s like, “Mommy! There’s Santa Claus!” He then pisses on himself and all over the train.

BA: Wow.

LP: I love Chicago.

BA: That’s a scarring memory.