Showing posts with label john bruni. Show all posts
Showing posts with label john bruni. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 26, 2026

DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE? excerpt

 


Hey! Did you know I have a new book out? Do You Believe in the Power of Love? is now available! I'll have copies with me at Printers Row next month, but if you don't plan to be there, you can get it here. If you're on the fence, I have an excerpt for you below.

Nelson is down on his luck, moneywise. He just got out of a rough relationship, and he's neck deep in debt. He'd do anything to get out from under his troubles. A friend then introduces him to Ania, a young woman from Poland who is studying to be a nurse. Her visa is almost up, and she doesn't want to go home. So in exchange for enough money to cancel out his debt, he will marry her so she can get her green card. Sounds simple, right?

Well . . . my name is on the cover of the book, so it's anything but. Ania is not who she claims to be. She's hiding an ugly secret. Will Nelson spend the rest of his life never discovering what it is?

Probably not.

The set up is, Nelson and Ania are meeting for the first time in a bar. It's noisy on the ground level, so they're going to the bowling alley in the basement. Here you go:


While there were a ton of people playing pool at various tables throughout the very crowded bar, no one bowled downstairs. The desk with all the bowling shoes in nooks behind it was empty, so he had to find some help. The woman, who usually handed out pool ball trays, didn’t seem to know what she was doing as she figured out which shoes where what sizes. She barely knew where they kept the bowling balls.

Nelson figured it out. While he wasn’t exactly a string bean weakling he knew he’d probably break his wrist with a 12-pounder. He went for something much lighter: eight.

When she selected a black one with the number 10 stenciled on it he felt kind of amused. In a weird way she did seem stronger than him. Her five-ten frame showed off her solidly built body, and he wondered if she worked out every day. He supposed one had to be in good shape to be a nurse, but he still felt grateful that the 8 on his ball had faded almost to invisibility on hot pink.

She made no note of his choice. “You play much?”

Christ. He cast his mind back, trying to remember the last time he’d done this. “Well, I used to bowl with my mom when I was a kid.”

“Oh. Were you good?”

He wanted to tell her how fucking awesome he was, but then he remembered his mediocrity, and any display he could put on here would prove it. “No. I’m all right, I guess.”

“I’ll let you warm up,” she said. “Looks like this is one of those old fashioned places, so it’s not computerized. Go ahead. Let ‘er rip.”

Nelson glanced down to the only lit set of pins at the other side of the room. He wouldn’t have minded loosening up a bit, but what if he wasted a couple of really good shots just practicing?

“I’m good,” he said. “Wanna go first?”

“Flip you for it.” Her stout hand struggled to get into her skin-tight pants pocket, but when it came out—one harsh red line across the wrist—she held a quarter. “You call it.”

He watched as she flipped the coin. “Heads,” he said. Whoever called tails?

She caught the gleam of silver in the air like an owl plucks up a mouse in the dark and slapped it on her unmarred wrist. “Tails it is.” She showed him, just to prove herself.

Her hand that close to him made his flesh start to heat up. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to hold it to his lips.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Am I a pervert or something? Calm down, for Christ’s sake. He took a deep breath and forced out what he thought would be some of the baser thoughts running around in his head. When that didn’t work he purposely brought back to mind the moment when he spilled his beer all over the table and Lisa.

That did the trick.

“You remember how to make notes?” she asked.

He took up the blank score sheet and a miniature pencil. “I got this.” In big block letters he wrote her name on the first line and his on the second. Only then did he look up to see Ania at the line, poised to begin her attack on the pins.

He glanced down and got an eyeful of her ass, the first time he’d gotten a glimpse of it. Her black jeans were so tight he could see the curve of each buttock, leaving nothing to the imagination. Mesmerized, he watched her muscles work against each other as she fast-walked down to the final line and let loose with her ball. He didn’t even watch to see the damage. Her ass consumed his attention.

Somewhere, far down in the folds of his brain, he wanted to look away, to be a gentleman, but that tiny voice had no effect on the whole.

Then something tingled in his perception, and he jerked his eyes away, just in time to see her turn around, a look of victory on her face.

Keep it together, Jeffries. He still had his glass with him, so he took a swallow of whiskey, hoping he’d played it cool enough.

She ambled back to the desk. “Not bad, eh?”

He surveyed what remained of the pins. Only one, at the far right end. “Think you can get your spare?”

“Hell yeah.”

Her ball thumped up through the return, and she wasted no time in proving herself. Dutifully he put a slash in the small box on her line.

“Now let’s see what you got,” she said. She handed his eight-pound ball over, almost like flipping a softball to the pitcher at the start of an inning.

He took the ball with a slight smile. He hadn’t done this in many, many years, and he knew in his heart that he’d wind up with a gutterball. Much to his surprise, when he took his shot, he knocked over three pins. A terrible attempt, but he felt just as victorious as she had when getting her spare.

“That’s all right,” she said. “It’s not over yet, though.”

On the next roll he managed to get three more. Not great, but not awful, either.

They continued their game, keeping up a healthy banter, ripping on each other when appropriate, congratulating when needed. When the game ended she’d obviously wiped the walls with him, but he had gone down fighting.

“That was pretty cool,” she said. “Wanna go again?”

Nelson felt a sting in his wrist. “Nah. I think I’ve had my fill.” Why risk further embarrassment?

They gave their bowling shoes back, but they stayed downstairs with fresh drinks, sipping among the darkened pins, listening to the pounding music from above, remaining isolated from the party.

“I suppose you want to talk business now,” she said.

He scratched at an imaginary itch on the back of his neck. “I guess that’s what we’re here for.”

“Yeah. I mean, I like you and everything. I’d probably hang out with you again. But we are here for each others benefit.”

“Yeah. Mac said five thousand.”

She rubbed at the back of her arm with one hand.  “That’s right. I really can’t go any higher than that.”

Nelson noticed something on her arm when the short sleeve lifted against her touch. It looked like some kind of drawing, and it took him a moment to see it was a tattoo. He nodded to it. “What’s that?”

Her eyebrows lifted, and then she saw what he meant. “Oh. Check it out.”

She bared her entire arm, showing off a colorless tattoo of a nuclear power plant. In the center twirled the symbol of an atom.

“Neat,” he said. “Why that, though?”

“Chernobyl,” she said. “I was a kid when it happened. I was far enough away so it probably wouldn’t affect me, but just in case we all got these anti-radiation inoculations. I got sick of looking at the scar, so I got a tattoo over it. Pretty cool, huh?”

“Scar? I didn’t see a scar.”

She pointed to the middle of the atom where the protons and neutrons should have been. At that moment he realized he stood very, very close to her, close enough to smell a little sweat under her perfume. It reminded him of sex, so he backed away. “Oh. I see.”

Ania rolled her sleeve down. “Anyway, I don’t want to sugarcoat this. Pretending we’re married isn’t going to be easy, and if we’re caught I’m just going to be deported. You, on the other hand, will be stuck with a huge fine and possibly jail time.”

That last part didn’t sit well in his mind. He thought he could deal with monetary punishment, but going to prison? Did he really want to slay his debt like this? “I . . . I understand.”

“And that’s not it. We’re going to have to live together, because they send people out to make sure we’re really married. We’ll need to set up pictures of us and stuff. You know, the usual things families have.”

He nodded, recalling everything that Kris had told him. It had sounded like a warning from him. From her it sounded almost exciting.

He sipped at his drink. “Why do you want to stay here? Not to sound like a dick, but if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t mind going home, you know?”

She smirked. “You’ve never lived in Poland. Granted, I’ve only been in America for a few years. There are many things wrong with this place. But, given a choice, I will take America any day over Poland.”

“That bad?”

She took a drink from her own glass. “Maybe you missed the part about Chernobyl.”

“Well . . .” Fuck, I’m an idiot.

“There’s more. When I was younger I was gassed in my own apartment building by the government. Have you ever been gassed?”

“Uh . . . no. Can’t say I have.”

 “You’re lucky. You grew up in a country that didn’t have any war fought on its grounds in recent memory. When I was a kid playing with my friends, we discovered a skeleton in the forest. It was a Nazi soldier, helmet and all.”

“Holy fuck.”

“I don’t like talking about it, though. Maybe now you can see why I don’t want to go home. There are skeletons everywhere.”

Nelson felt the urge to tell her that when you thought about it, the world was one big cemetery, but something told him to keep his mouth shut.

“I want to help people. I like nursing. There aren’t enough opportunities back home. Here? I’m almost done earning my degree.”

Nelson didn’t know how easy or hard it would be to earn a nursing degree in another country, so once again he kept his mouth shut.

“Next year, I should graduate.” She stopped, looking at him expectantly.

Now he had to open his mouth. He gave it some thought for a moment and hoped he had the right words. “I want to help you, mostly because you can help me in turn. But as I’m sure you can imagine I’m not well off, myself. You’re going to school, and I’m sure that’s just sucking your money away. I don’t know if I could support the both of us.”

“I’m not asking you to. When I said five thousand was as high as I could go, I meant it. But I can still contribute to us living together.”

Nelson nodded, trying to figure out the most polite way of asking the next question. Finally he downed the rest of his drink and decided to charge forward. “If you don’t mind me saying, you’re a beautiful woman. You probably have a boyfriend. What does he think of all of this?”

“I did have a boyfriend,” she said. “Well, we were more like fuck buddies, I guess. But he came from Poland, too. He couldn’t have helped me. Studying to be a nurse doesn’t leave a lot of time for personal relationships. I don’t like to get involved in anything, really. Every once in a while there’s that itch. It helps to know someone who can scratch it for you, but an actual relationship? I find that to be too distracting.”

Nelson’s cheeks flushed. He hadn’t expected such a frank answer, and he didn’t know what to say to that. A part of him felt excited as if maybe, just maybe, she would select him as one of those people to help scratch certain itches. But he had to remind himself that it would probably never happen.

“You all right?” she asked.

“Uh . . . yeah. I’m fine. It’s just, I didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, you know.”

“No worries,” she said.

This was it. The moment. He hoped he didn’t sound too nervous. He could feel a tremor working through his lungs, his body trying to betray him. But he knew, after all of this, that he’d made up his mind. He’d be marrying this girl in exchange for five grand. Hell, he’d known it from the very moment he’d seen her. But now everything had weight, a certain reality, to it. If he said what he wanted to, there would be no turning back.

“I want to help you,” he said. Proud that his voice sounded strong, he plowed forward. “And I would certainly appreciate the money. I only have one bedroom at my place, though. I don’t have room to accommodate you.”

“We’d have to sleep in the same bed. If they sent a guy to check up on us, he wouldn’t be pleased too much to find out that we’re sleeping in separate rooms.”

Nelson’s heart beat just a little bit faster than it had before. He felt his face grow hotter, and he hoped he wasn’t blushing. “Well, just to warn you, I fart a lot. If you can put up with that, I think we can do business.”

She barked with laughter, head tossed back, every tooth in her mouth shining. He couldn’t stop himself from cracking up, too.  They cackled together, unable to stop. His belly ached, but he couldn’t cease the constant hilarity pouring out of him. Finally, when he thought he’d never be able to breathe again, she wiped sweat from her forehead. She panted. “I think . . . I think if I couldn’t deal with a bit of . . . of flatulence . . .” And the both of them howled again, so loudly that a few revelers from above peeked their heads downstairs.

Finally they sighed the tension of joviality out of their bodies and leaned on the table for support. Something twinkled in her eyes. “If you think your farts are bad, wait ‘til you get a load of mine.”

Even though both of them hurt badly from their previous jag of laughter, they broke out again. When this bout died down Nelson breathed out heavily. “Seriously. I think we have a deal.” He held out his hand.

She took it. “Deal.”

“Maybe we should go over the, I don’t know, the logistics of it all.”

“Let’s get together and do that tomorrow,” she said. “I just want to have fun right now.”

“Absolutely.”

She cast her glance around the bowling alley, down every darkened lane to the gloomy pins at the end of each. “It’s too quiet down here. Let’s go play some pool.”

Nelson stood and bowed, gesturing toward the stairs. “After you, my dear future wife.”


Friday, August 14, 2026

NEW BOOK: DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE? by John Bruni


 

Would you look at that beautiful cover? In related news, I have a new book out! DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE? is now available!

From the back cover:

"Do you believe in the power of love?" This is the question that faces Nelson Jeffries, a man in desperate need of money. His answer leads him to Ania, a Polish immigrant studying to be a nurse. Her visa is about to expire, and she absolutely cannot go home. She offers him a deal: marry her in exchange for five thousand dollars. It's just a business agreement, he keeps telling himself, except he can't help but fall in love with Ania. At first it seems like the feeling is mutual. It's too bad she's not who she claims to be . . .

John Bruni, author of
And Jesus Came Back and Dong of Frankenstein, returns to hardboiled fiction in what he likes to call a "screwball romance crime novel," as if Howard Hawks had directed a film based on a Richard Laymon book.

Get your copy today!

Friday, November 27, 2020

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #310: BLACK FRIDAY

 I remember a long time back. I was working at a telecom company specializing in conferencing, be it audio, web or video. I'd been there a long time, but I needed more money. So I went to a Sears. I'm OK mentioning it by name since, well, yeah. Sears bit the big one. Even the flagship Oakbrook Mall location where I worked at (666 ft. above sea level, no shit, I got bored one day and checked it on my GPS) is nothing but dust and the scent of old sweat and tears.



But it was thriving back then. I got the worst fucking job of my life: I started selling shoes at Sears. Just for the holiday. But I worked out so well that they wanted to keep me. I hated the job more than anything I've ever done, but I was good at it. I sold more than anyone else, and I did the best at ordering shoes online, which they really counted because they wanted us to be good at that. Also, I won a ridiculous amount of prizes from that. But it sucked. I felt lower than whale shit, if that's still a phrase.



Here's the thing. When I got hired, I told them I could only work weekends. I had a job that paid a fuck-ton more on weekdays. Everyone agreed with me, and they let me practically work whenever I wanted to. I mean, not really, but close.



Yes, I hear you thinking, "Dude, you were Al Bundy?" Yeah, I've heard that maybe a thousand times.



I fucking hated that job, but it gave me enough money to survive a little while longer than I thought. My favorite part was getting up super early so I could put the correct labels on each shoe display. Why? Well, because during that time we were closed. THERE WERE NO FUCKING CUSTOMERS. When I was done, the doors opened for the customers, and I could just go home and drink myself into oblivion. I also loved checking stock for the same reason. I had no customer contact. If that sounds weird, think of this. The customer always believes they are right. And they are NOT. Unless they are Michael Douglas shooting the ceiling out of a fast food joint. If you ever want to see someone's true face, look at them when they are trying to buy something. If you are the retail worker you suddenly become the focus of their ire. Although I have my problems with the job, at least my immediate boss had my side during these unrelenting situations. Every other job threw me under the bus.



If you have ever worked in retail, you know the golden rule. On Black Friday, it's all hands on deck. But, you know, it was Friday. Not the weekend. Hence, I was at my primary job instead of that fucking hell hole.



So I came in on the following Saturday. My boss approached me as I was putting new boxes on the shelves and making sure that the smaller sizes were on top while the bigger sizes were at rock bottom. He said to me, "So John. I saw that you didn't come in yesterday. You did know that Black Friday requires all workers to come in, right?"


No, I didn't know, and I told him that.


"Yeah, we needed a lot of people yesterday, and you weren't here. You were on the schedule."


I said, "I told management from day one that I could only work weekends. I will never, under any circumstances, work a weekday. Because from Monday to Friday, I'm at my real job. You know, the one that actually pays my bills."


That made him very nervous. But he said that he would let his boss know, and everything would be all right. Sure enough, she accepted my reasoning. And that made me the happiest motherfucker in the world. Because fuck Black Friday.


Here's another thing you might find interesting. You know that conferencing job I mentioned earlier? All of a sudden we were being offered 12-hour weekend shifts. Where we barely had to do anything. We'd just pick up if someone called, and usually it was the wrong number. I had never seen the bridges so fucking clean. One day a friend of mine and I watched I Come in Peace while working. It was fucking great. Well, there was also the pervert who kept calling that one day. If I picked up, he hung up right away. But if my female partner that day answered (and I listened in, ready to step in if need be) he would say all kinds of fucked up sex shit. As I recall, this douche asked my coworker if she wanted to, eh, fuck it. You can guess, and I'd rather not talk about it.


As this company, there were several levels. If you were hired, you were on a temporary Level One. You had to prove yourself to actually get real Level One status. Then there was Level Two, which made more money, but you had to deal with more complex things. Then there was Senior, where you got the toughest calls, like investor relations calls. But then they invented a new level. I was one of a select few who were on the Strike Team. We handled the worst and craziest conferences. Some had star-studded security lists. Others were major wrestling companies run by a dude whose first name rhymes with "prints." And at one point I handled calls for celebrities. One of our customers was a guy who used to be one of the most loveable people in the world and who now is a thoroughly reviled sexual predator.


The point is, I started making a shit ton of money at my real job to the point where I was ready to jettison that awful Sears job. Joy!


I went in on my day off with an envelope containing my letter of resignation. Normally I'd give the customary two weeks, but I needed out of the job immediately. Also, having my first novel, Strip, published helped back me up. I found my immediate boss (his boss was always hard to find), and I handed him the envelope. He was very sad to see me go, since I outsold everyone except for him, but he accepted it. (He was not eligible for the online sales prize because he was management.) I decided to use my employee discount before that was gone, so I bought a bunch of stuff. As I did so, I ran into one of my shoes coworkers. I told her the good news, and her reaction was so ridiculously out of left field.


"You can't quit. They're not allowing anyone to quit."


Briefly I felt like I was in Bentley Little's The Store. I said to her, "Good luck getting me in for tomorrow's shift." Not allowing to quit. Seriously? And yet if I fucked up at the job, I'd be terminated on the spot. So, you know. Fuck Sears and fuck the shoes department. I really liked the people I worked with, even my immediate boss. But I was wasting time at that job. So fuck it. I took as many 12-hour shifts at my real job that I could.


That company no longer exists exactly. It was absorbed by a global corporation named after a character in an Orson Welles book. There was a movie, but as I understand it, it was never released. I found it very weird because the character in question was a horrible fucking person. Why name your company after that dude?


But then this company was absorbed by yet another global corporation, and so it still exists today. You know who doesn't exist anymore? That fucking shoe department. In fact, that entire store. It's gone, baby, gone. So fuck 'em.


I got off into the weeds on this one, but this has been weighing heavily on me, especially given the time of year. Long story short, fuck Black Friday.

Monday, November 23, 2020

The Tales of Unspeakable Taste perk--finally revealed!

 


Did you buy a copy of my new book, Tales of Unspeakable Taste? Are you going to buy it? Are you on the fence? Maybe this neat little perk will help. The first 30 people to buy my book will get this handmade zine with my filthy poetry in it. There are only 30 copies, so first come, first serve. All you have to do is send me an image of your receipt and let me know where you want me to send it. These are already moving quickly, so if you want to get this, you should act fast. This will never be reprinted.



From the back:


Are you ready for Shit Poems? Then you've come to the right place. John Bruni, not known for his poetry at all, has put together this collection of gross, filthy, disgusting and hilarious verse. Don't worry. He doesn't do any of that fancy rhyming shit. Not usually, anyway. Be sure to have plenty of tissue on hand. Wait, that didn't come out right. Uh . . . I should clarify. I mean, John Bruni should clarify. This booklet is not for masturbation. Probably. I mean, you do you, right? Ah, I'm going off into the weeds. No one is really reading this anyway. And if you are . . . why? Put some gloves on and get into this lunacy. You know you want to.

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

COVER REVEAL FOR BLOOD BY JOHN BRUNI




In case you missed it, here is the cover for my forthcoming novel, BLOOD, from StrangeHouse. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but my books somehow all have top-notch covers from brilliant artists. Each and every one of them are instant eye-catchers. How could anyone pass this up?


More as it develops . . .

Saturday, June 17, 2017

BOOKS I HAVE IN STOCK

If you see something you like, let me know. $10 each or 3 for $25. There will be a shipping charge unless you live close enough for me to hand deliver to.

-AND JESUS CAME BACK: 5 copies


-THE DOCTOR IS IN . . . 4 copies


-DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN: 2 copies


-TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: 5 copies


-STRANGE SEX 3: 3 copies


-ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!: 2 copies

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Cover reveal for AND JESUS CAME BACK by John Bruni

I got a few complaints from the Twitter people that they couldn't follow the link to the Facebook post, so here you go. This is what the cover for my forthcoming book is going to look like: