THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #56: PARTIAL SUCCESS

[Here's another one from my old MySpace blog. Some of you may recall what I called the Sobriety Clock. At the time I was trying to save enough money to publish issue 3 of TABARD INN. I had to make a choice: either get the issue printed, or drink. I love alcohol, but I love fiction more. Thankfully, my friends were able to help me out in my time of need by getting me booze. I got them all back when I had money again, but I would keep track of how long it was since my last drink. I got desperate one night. I'd heard about some kind of spell Grant Morrison had tried to cast, and I thought something similar would help me out. I asked everyone on MySpace to write my name on a dollar bill and, at the stroke of midnight, to masturbate furiously onto it. I thought maybe this would help me get enough money to drink and publish. Here's the follow up to that piece.]

As I drove home from work on Friday, I was fairly certain none of you would masturbate for me, as I had asked. However, later that night, after I’d had a little Ten High in me (hey, I’m broke!), it occurred to me that there was a very slight chance that one or two of you would blow your wad on a dollar bill with my name written on it. Many of you, like me, are depraved, and I thank you.

So at midnight I stopped by the local 7-Eleven and bought a scratch-off. Just for the hell of it. It was only a dollar. With one eye closed (I was a bit buzzed) I sat in my car and scraped the gray area away from the ticket to discover that I had won a grand total of two dollars.

So . . . which one of you came for me? Or was it two of you? One for each dollar? I just want to thank you personally for getting me enough money to buy an airplane bottle of Wild Turkey 101. It wasn’t much, but after a night with Ten High, it was a breath of fresh air.

Just imagine if the rest of you had done as I’d asked. I could have gotten a fifth! Or at least a pint . . .