SURPRISE! IT'S GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #585: MERRY CHRISTMAS

 I know I said I wouldn't be back until January, but fuck it. It's Christmas. The last of the holidays I care about. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be caring about it, too.

Usually Christmas is for our family to get together, and then we get to give each other presents. But as I mentioned around Thanksgiving, Grandma kept the family together. Since her death the family has kind of gone its separate ways. So I've spent today like it was just any other day. I did my usual Sunday rituals, and then I went downstairs to write for a while. Then I read for a while and did other stuff. Packed up more of my belongings. And now I'm writing this.

I was thinking of maybe visiting my brothers in Crystal Lake today, but they got back to me and told me they had bedbugs, so that's out. Too bad. Not only do I have their gifts for this year, but I also have their gifts from last year. I forgot to give them to them when they came for Grandma's funeral. I may or may not have been very, very drunk.

(OK, fine. I definitely was very, very drunk.)

But the thing is, I don't think I'll be getting anyone anything next year. My financial situation is definitely up in the air, and there is no way in hell I'll still be in this place by next Christmas. I'm still surprised that we haven't gotten our notice to leave yet. Perhaps even banks get a little nervous about kicking someone out of their home around Christmas time. They might even let us stay through the rest of winter. Who can get movers out in the winter, anyway? But come spring, I'm sure I'm out of here. That means my other brother and I will go our separate ways, too.

So what this GF comes down to is this. The sad fact of life is that with every Christmas, you're going to give less gifts than the year before. Most times that's because some people are no longer here. Hug your loved ones. Tell them that you love them. Cherish their presence. They might not be around next year.

I'll close out with the most horrible thing I heard this week. What with gas prices sky-high, we only have to be in the office at work once a week, on Mondays. So the office has been dead for the rest of the week, and it was even deader because those who usually were there were gone because of the winter storm. So it was just me and another coworker in the office on Friday. She sits on the other side of the wall from me, and we talked about our Christmases. For her it's a rough time of the year because her daughter was murdered the day after Christmas years ago. They found her on the 27th. A horrible fucking situation. I can't imagine how bad this time of year must be for her.

You really don't know what (or who) life will take from you over the course of the years. Take nothing for granted.

Merry Christmas.

CHRISTMAS BOOK SALE

 Christmas is the one and only holiday I care about anymore, and I have a deal for you. Good for today and today only. You must order by midnight tonight. Central time. I may be asleep by then, but as long as the time stamp is before midnight, then it's still good.

Five bucks for a book. Limit of one book per household. First come, first serve. No shipping. No strings attached. If you feel like leaving me an honest review on Amazon or Goodreads or even posting on social media about it? Cool. I'd be grateful. But the only price is five bucks. Good only in the US. Sorry, everywhere else, but shipping to you costs an arm, a leg, a firstborn child, etc. If you live in another country, I'll send you something digital for free. Not sure what I have, but I'll figure something out. In the US: Let me know what you want, and I'll send payment info to you. All books come signed. Let me know how you would like them signed.

Here are the books I have.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HIERONYMUS ALOYSIS ZIEGE

TALES OF UNSPEAKABLE TASTE

BLOOD

POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS

TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE

STRIP

GONZO RISING

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #312: DIE HARD IS A SLASHER FLICK

This was originally published on Forced Viewing, may that site rest in peace.

DIE HARD 

Directed by John McTiernan 

1988, 131 min. 

4 stars 

 

 

Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Of course. But it’s also a horror movie. [steps back and waits for the arguments to begin] 

 

 

It’s picture perfect: a Christmas party at the Nakatomi Plaza in California. Everyone’s happy and having a good time. Holly Genaro (Bonnie Bedelia) is getting ready to see her ex-husband, John McClane (Bruce Willis) for the first time in a long time, so the vibe is good. Enter Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman) and his group of business associates. They’re here for a friendly corporate takeover with a healthy interest in sitting on the beach, earning twenty-percent. That’s a pretty good deal. 

 

There is, unfortunately, one thing that Holly didn’t plan on: New York changed John McClane for the worst. Something’s not right about him. He has murderous impulses that he can’t control, and for some reason in his head he has fixated on Holly. He thinks she’s in danger from Hans and his friends, and thanks to military training he has the means and the knowledge of taking them on. 

 

Thankfully Hans and company have taken advantage of the Second Amendment. They’re the good guys with a gun that the Republicans are always talking about. As John stalks among them, almost Jason-like, picking them off one by one, they have the power to fight back against him. 

 

But their chances are not good. John is a one-man army. Not even the cops and FBI who arrive to arrest him stand a chance. Al Powell (played wonderfully by Reginald VelJohnson) is the only one who seems interested in negotiating with John. He tries his best because he’s been there before. A while back he shot a kid dead. He felt lousy about it, but he knows what it’s like to take someone’s life, so he’s the only in the cops have with John. 

 

There’s a particularly gruesome scene near the beginning of the carnage when John kills a dude, straps him to a chair, writes NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN, HO-HO-HO on his shirt and sends him down the elevator so his friends could see their dead companion and know how far John will go. The guy’s brother, Karl (Alexander Godunov), is horrified by this, and he bravely pledges to get revenge for this. Who among us wouldn’t do so? Karl is a very relatable character. 

 

The acting is very good in this. Willis is very believable as a violent lunatic. One has to wonder if he was so dedicated to the role that he actually walked barefoot over glass. Bedelia is wonderful as the victim of John’s violent attentions. She has the fear down pat, but her resolve to move forward in the face of certain death is great. Rickman has a boyish charm despite the German accent. He’s a great, tragic hero. Rickman has a background in Shakespeare, so I’m sure he drew inspiration from the Bard’s work. And then there’s Hart Bochner as Harry Ellis. No one ever suspected that the guy trying to get into Holly’s pants would betray them all. How could he have sided with John? Hans had to make a tough decision, but judging by how dangerous John is, he made the right choice in shooting Ellis dead. 

 

The setting is wonderful. McTiernan’s choice to have this stalker movie take place in a city skyscraper, as opposed to the woods or suburbia, is very telling. This is very much a white collar world, and it makes John a bit more sympathetic. He’s a blue collar guy, and he has to negotiate the office in order to get what he wants. 

 

And then there’s the ending. Tread with caution. What follows are spoilers. 

 

It takes a lot of balls to go with a negative ending. When Hans feels relief to see an unarmed John McClane in sight, he does the merciful thing. He doesn’t kill John. His heart is bigger than his brain. John pulls the dirtiest trick ever when he reveals that he’s taped a gun to his back within easy reach. He shoots our hero and then drops him down the entire length of the skyscraper. That’s pretty dark and over the top. He even has a catchy quip, much like Freddy and Chucky, when he does this: “Yippie kie ay, motherfucker.” At least he’s got a sense of humor, unlike other slashers (*ahem* Jason). 

 

McTiernan plays a trick on his viewers, too. Just when you think John is going to be peacefully taken into custody, Karl, who we thought was killed earlier when he was hung by his neck from a chain, makes a sudden reappearance. Maybe John wasn’t going to get away with this after all. Heroically, Karl moved forward with his gun, ready to save the day . . . and Al Powell guns him down?! What the fuck? Maybe John got too far into his head, or maybe he wanted to kill someone again after shooting that poor child. Is he going to be taken into custody, too? Just like John? 

 

This is a harrowing film, and it seems like it could happen in the real world. That’s what makes this movie so scary. If you work in an office building, this could very well happen to you. 

 

And no, the world is not done with John McClane. Just like his slasher kin, he comes back for a few sequels in which he gets to kill again. And again. And again. 

 

Merry fuckin’ Christmas.