ANNUAL POST PRINTERS ROW SALE 2026

 It's that time of year. I sold a lot of books this year, but here's the list of what I have. I'm going to honor Printers Row prices: $15 each or 3 for $42. You can send any requests to tabardinnedgewoodent@yahoo.com. This is inside the US only. If you're outside the US, let me know, and I'll send you something digital for free, no charge, just to make it up to you. Offer good until Halloween.

MAIL ORDER BRIDE

TRAIL OF BLOOD

EYE CUTTER

POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS

BLOOD (only 1 copy)

TALES OF UNSPEAKABLE TASTE

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HIERONYMUS ALOYSIS ZIEGE (only 3 copies)

AND JESUS CAME BACK (only 1 copy)

TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE

Notice any titles missing? Oh yes, I don't have any copies left of my new book, DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE? That makes me feel pretty special. I'm sure I'll eventually get more copies in stock.

Anyway, see anything you like?

It was good to see some old friends and to make some new friends, but special thanks go, as always, to Michael Allen Rose and Sauda Namir for putting this whole thing together. Without them, I suspect that none of us would be selling books at a major literary festival.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1093: AN OPEN LOVE LETTER TO ANDERSON'S

 My favorite indie bookstore is Anderson's, specifically the one in Naperville. They have other great locations, but this is the original and best. It's a great place to find new and interesting books (and to support bookstores that aren't Amazon or B&N, etc.). It's also a business owned by women, so if you're desperate for such a place, look no further. And yes, they do have an online store, and you can buy signed copies there. Hell, it looks like Chuck Wendig is going to be there tomorrow. I wish I could make it. Now that I live in DeKalb, my visits are unfortunately going to be few and far between going forward.

Merely walking in the door is enough to raise my spirits. My first stop is the fiction section, but I'm likely to spend the most time in the biography and nonfiction section.

There is a high possibility of finding books signed by the author. They're still at cover price. And you never know who might sign there. I have books autographed by Andrew McCarthy, Henry Winkler, Curtis Armstrong (Booger himself!), David Spade, the list goes on.

And they're legit. These celebrities have all signed here. (Or, because there's more capacity, at the nearby college instead.)

I try to go to as many signings as possible. I love meeting authors here. I've gone to see Clive Barker, Chuck Palahniuk, Chuck Tingle, Irvine Welsh, Cory Doctorow, Sarah Pinborough and so on. I also saw Weird Al and Penn Jillette, among others from different media there. If I was so moved, I could have met former President Bill Clinton (at the college, of course) when he was on tour with James Patterson.

I am much more of a worldly man because of Anderson's. This is my love letter to them. Thank you for years of service. I wish many more on you.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1086: READING LINEAGE

 If you were to ask me for the best word to describe myself, I'd choose "reader." I do not remember a time when I was not constantly reading. My mom told me my first word was not mama (much to her chagrin) but book.

I've often wondered why reading is so important to me. I suspect it was because both Mom and Dad were voracious readers. Dad didn't read around me because he only had me for an occasional weekend, so he had other things he wanted to do with me. But I saw Mom read all the time, and she encouraged me to do the same.

But how did they become such readers?

Dad is easy. His mom was a teacher. There's no way she didn't get him reading. In case Mom and Dad failed me, Grandma Laurette sent me a steady stream of books, all on history, dinosaurs or Ireland. In fact, one day I told her I was having trouble finding a particular book. She said she'd been using this great online bookstore, and they always had hard-to-find stuff. I didn't want to go online. I hadn't embraced the internet yet.

She did not live long enough to see her grandson's books for sale on that very website, which was called Amazon.

Mom didn't live long enough to read my first book. Dad read a few of my books, and it made me proud to know he liked them.*

But Mom's parents were not readers. Though Grandma loved crosswords, I never, in all my life, saw her pick up a book. As for Gramps, he only ever read the newspaper until the last ten years of his life. He started reading the books in my bedroom while I was at work. Believe it or not, his favorites were both by Richard Laymon: Island and Body Rides. But that wouldn't have helped Mom become a reader when she was a kid.

I suspect it was her grandmother, Grandma's mom. As I went through Grandma's books near the end of my time in Elmhurst, I discovered that they were her mom's books, instead. She lived with my grandparents and Mom and died when Mom was pregnant with me. My great-grandma liked to read hefty novels, LIT-rit-chure.

Now I suspect there might have been someone else, too. Gramps's cousin wrote many letters to him, and one of them contained a photocopy of a family picture from Greece. I'll talk about that at some point, but the accompanying letter mentions Gramps's dad and uncles. Apparently they were all readers. She mentioned that my great-grandpa liked to hang out at the library all the time.

I mentioned this to my aunt yesterday, and she said that she was always apprehensive around Gramps's mom as a kid. My great-grandma couldn't speak English, so my aunt couldn't understand what she was saying. I learned from my research into the family stuff that she couldn't read or write in any language, so knowing that her husband, my great-grandpa, was a reader surprised and delighted me.

So. How did he become a reader, then? I don't think I'll ever find out. I know only one thing about his father and nothing about his mother. Sure, I could find out their dates of birth or maybe what they died of, but what are the odds that I'll ever find out something anecdotal about them? And if I did, say, find a letter from one relative to another talking about what a reader my great-great-grandpa was? How would I read it? It's all Greek to me . . .

_______________________________

*Yeah, I heard that. You know what you can do with your comments about his bias?

POST PRINTERS ROW SALE

 It's that time of year. I didn't get to bring many copies of my books for two reasons: we had limited space as we were down to one table, and I was still in the cast on a crutch, so carrying a lot of books was out of the question. I did pretty well. Sold out of the HST anthologies I'm in as well as And Jesus Came Back and Strip, and I almost sold all the copies of Eye Cutter I brought with me. Same for Tales of Unspeakable Taste. My new one, Mail Order Bride, didn't do so well, but I've talked to a few people who have read it, and they really, really love it. My comics guy's brother read it, so he's putting it on sale at his shop.

With two exceptions, I'm going to offer the same Printers Row deal we had last weekend. One for $15 or 3 for $40. If I can physically put these books in your hand, there's no shipping. Otherwise, I'll have to add $8 to the order. This is what I have available, and I'll get to those two exceptions last. (And Ben, if you're reading this, I'm holding on to my last copy of Strip for you. DM me, and I'll waive the shipping cost.)

For fans of the bizarre, the weird, the strange, StrangeHouse Books brings you a whirlwind of eighteen tales sure to amuse, confuse, horrify and leave you questioning your lack of taste. From the warped synapses of John Bruni come stories of the destruction of earth, via a humongous totally nude man in space, a portal to another dimension inside of an office worker's desk, a sordid love affair between two nefarious euthanasia enthusiasts, and many other yarns that span from psychological terror, to comedy, to downright disgusting!

John Bruni is a unique visionary, granting us entrance into a world that could exist just as easily decades from now as it could a week from tomorrow. The future he crafts for us in POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS is both surreal and surreptitiously familiar. His is a world where, regardless of how society advances, the human condition renders characters placated by apathy and disillusionment or excess and hedonism. POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS is your life, tangentially explored to ease your unease . . . but only a little. After all, it wouldn't be fun if you didn't squirm a little, would it? Kirk Jones, author of JOURNEY TO ABORTOSPHERE & UNCLE SAM'S CARNIVAL OF COPULATING INANIMALS It is the year 2200. Richard Coppergate and the wealthiest citizens of the city, have gathered for their annual game: kidnap seven people the world wouldn't miss--bums, prostitutes and the mentally ill--and turn them loose in the city with a mission to hunt and kill each other. The prize? One billion dollars. This year the stakes are personal. Two of the contestants are sons of the rich fucks. One of the contestants is a ringer. And one of the rich fucks likes hunting the contestants. Coppergate and his game have come to the attention of a revolutionary who lives off the grid and an outlaw journalist intent on bringing the whole thing crashing down. John Bruni, the author of TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE, brings you POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS, the ultimate tale of the class struggle. Who will win? Who will die? Who are YOU going to place your bets on?

Only 3 left.

Jesus Christ has returned. He sets to work right away healing the sick and infirm, but also returning youth to the aged. There are doubters, but one by one Jesus proves them wrong with the aid of his friend, farmer Joe MacDonald. There’s just one problem: Jesus isn’t who he says he is. He is actually an alien from a planet of ruthless killers, and he’s there to get everyone on earth to be in shape for slavery. John Bruni, the author of Dong of Frankenstein, Poor Bastards and Rich Fucks, and Tales of Questionable Taste returns to tell a tale of love, redemption, madness, loss, fear, faith and above all else, survival. Brian Keene, author of The Rising and The Complex, says, “John Bruni is a nice kid. He’s one of the next generation that I like. He’s actually one of the people I like in this genre, and I don’t like anybody.”

Mickey Scarlet is a man who, as a child, had a beast beaten into him by his father. As an adult he uses this beast to help him survive as a cop and later as an ex-convict, but that’s not easy when Lucifer Robinson offers to keep him on retainer for any number of illegal acts he needs performed. Mickey has no idea who is really in charge of this enterprise, but he finds himself lost in a phantasmagorical world filled with monsters and lowlifes while all he wants to do is find his estranged wife so he can finally meet his child.
John Bruni, author of POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS and DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN, brings us a horrifying tale about cycles of abuse and the horrors it creates.
Brian Keene, author of PRESSURE and THE RISING, says about John Bruni, “Stylistically, he’s a blend of Edward Lee and Jeremy Robert Johnson.”

Only 2 left.

For fans of the deranged, the utterly weird, and most certainly the unspeakable... Bizarro Pulp Press brings you a buffet of curdled imagination and warped creativity of John Bruni. 21 stories ranging from monstrous genitalia and violent retirees, GG Allin, and Jesus Christ.

Brian Keene, author of The Rising, says, "Stylistically, he's a blend of Edward Lee and Jeremy Robert Johnson."

You've been warned.

You think you know the Lewis and Clark expedition, but you don't. Hi Ziege is a man who thought he was wasting his life until he discovered that he could do so much more by joining the Discovery Corps from such a nameless place as La Charrette. Everything that Lewis and Clark and all the others left out of their journals is recorded here, including their experiences with aliens and bigfoot (bigfeet?). "Stylistically, he's a blend of Edward Lee and Jeremy Robert Johnson." -Brian Keene, author of The Rising and The Seven "John Bruni has combined historical and hysterical into a bizarro-themed redneck autobiography for the age of the absurd. A gory, nasty, wild bout of fun we didn't know we needed, until the blood and moonshine spilled from the pages in front of us and congealed into one hell of a cocktail." -Michael Allen Rose, author of Boiled Americans

William King is a Missouri guerilla turned bank robber trying to find a peaceful life on a Texas ranch. Eagle Talon is a Comanche warrior swearing vengeance on those who killed his sons. Juan Moreno is a bandit headed home to Mexico with visions of a hero's welcome. Corbin Mathers is a former slave and a walking dead man searching for the outlaw who killed him and his son. These four men will collide in an orgy of blood and gore and violence, and none of them will escape unscathed.

John Bruni, author of The Life and Times of Hieronymus Aloysis Ziege and Tales of Unspeakable Taste, brings you a cross between The Outlaw Josey Wales and The Searchers by way of Steinbeck and Fulci. This is no mere splatter western. This is Trail of Blood.

Layne Gates has done it all. Murder, cannibalism, sadism, you name it. His most recent racket: kidnap or purchase young women known as oracles so he can cut their eyes out, thus intensifying their gifts. He then uses them to extort money out of people who will suffer some misfortune by offering a way to avoid it. The only problem is, one of his oracles has discorporated and is now a part of his ship, the Mammon.

Meet Corbin Marsters, a former slave and gladiator who now buys slaves to set them free. He offers them a job hunting the scum of the universe on his ship, the Aurelius. Ketchum is his new shipmate, and their target: Layne Gates.

Tessa Reeves is sent west by her pimp as a mail order bride to a goofy loser of a farmer. He sells her to a Comanche flesh merchant named Iron Trail, who teaches her how to survive in the wilderness. It's only the beginning of the horrors she faces as she tries to stay alive long enough to wreak vengeance on her tormentors.

John Bruni, author of Eye Cutter returns to the world of Trail of Blood to tell a tale of horror and woe, gore and depravity, devastation and revenge.

OK, now for the two exceptions:

Having twice dealt with fear and loathing on the Hunter S. Thompson highway into the savage heart of gonzo dreams, John Bruni, Kevin Candela & Kent Hill (together this time with Neil Sanzari) head down to the old haunts and watering holes of the dirty old man, the drinker, the writer, the fighter, the lover . . . the one and only Charles Bukowski. In a quartet of tribute tales from these authors that both idolize, and have recently encountered Hank's works, the voice of the poet laureate of the gutter is restored, so that once more the good duker . . . can take a swing.

I'm willing to let this go for $7, no shipping. I've carted this book around for the last two years, and no one wants to buy it. I don't get it. I personally love this book, and it was a great deal of fun introducing Buk to Rod Serling, not from The Twilight Zone, but from Night Gallery. But I'm starting to think that people either don't know who Bukowski was, or they just don't care about him. I'll sweeten the deal: I'll throw in a signed manuscript of an unpublished story if you'll take it off my hands.

Tom Miller is a man unsatisfied with his marriage. He fantasizes about his secretary, wishing for there to be something more between them. Becky Rashida is a woman who has just been dumped by her boyfriend before a very important moment in her life. Reggie Bastion is an angry incel who wants sex slaves and in particular wants to fuck his HR rep. Col. David Morgan is a closeted gay man who yearns for his assistant, Corp. Thomas Pedersen. These people are all going to get their wishes, but they are not going to like it. For today is September 11, 2001, and they all work either at the Twin Towers or the Pentagon. And the planes are on their way . . .

I'm friends with Rosemynd Kant. She's pretty ballsy, especially considering the title of her next work, which I am absolutely not going to sell if she actually goes through with it. Long story short, this is 9/11 porn. She sent me a bunch of copies to sell at the shows I go to, and I'm down to the final copy. It's signed. But I've been down to this last copy for about three or four years. No one wants it. It's a pretty funny book, and it's not making fun of the victims of the terrorist attack. But understandably, not many people are willing to go that far with her thought process on this. If you want it, you can have it for $5, no shipping. Or hell, if you want the Bukowski anthology, I'll throw this in for free, but you don't have to take it, as it's a touchy subject. Rosie knows she's insane, and she leans into it pretty intensely.

OK, that's the spiel. If you want something, let me know. The prices will be good for the rest of the month. Contact me however you know me, or if you're new to my work, please leave a note in the comments.

BOOK SALE

 OK, the post-convention book sale is over. This is what I have available and the prices for each book. I have an asterisk next to the ones that I have in very limited quantities. For shipping, please add $3 for the first book and a dollar for each additional. If I can physically put these books in your hand, we can skip that part. US only. Sorry, everyone else. To make it up to you, let me know, and I'll send you something digital for free.

AND JESUS CAME BACK: $10

BEERS WITH HANK (a tribute anthology for Charles Bukowski)*: $11

BLOOD: $11

THE DOCTOR . . . IS IN (a tribute anthology for Hunter S. Thompson)*: $10

EYE CUTTER: $10

GONZO RISING (a follow up to that tribute to HST)*: $10

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HIERONYMOUS ALOYSIS ZIEGE: $10

POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS: $11

STRIP*: $12

TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: $10

TALES OF UNSPEAKABLE TASTE: $11

TRAIL OF BLOOD: $12

THESE BEAMS DON'T MELT*: $5. I didn't write this one. My friend, Rosie, did. She gifted me about 30 of them way back when, all signed, to see if they would sell. This is the last one. I may not ever get another one. If you're getting this one on its own, just $1 for shipping should be good.

POST-PRINTERS ROW SALE 2023

 OK, things went really well at Printers Row, as usual, but I do have a few books left over, so it's time for my annual post-Printers Row sale! Here is what I have available and what I'm charging for each (shipping prices included, US only, sorry everyone else):

BLOOD (2 copies): $13

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HIERONYMUS ALOYSIS ZIEGE (14 copies): $10

TRAIL OF BLOOD (6 copies): $14

If you want to order all three, I'll give you a deal. $30 for the whole package, shipping and all. Here's an additional deal: If you order from me today, September 13, 2023, by midnight, each book is $8 (shipping included). You can let me know in the comments or on whichever social media you follow me on. Or, if you prefer, you can send me a message at tabardinnedgewoodent@yahoo.com. Thank you!

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #713: MY SHAME

 Remember at the beginning of this year, when I tallied up all the books I read in 2022, how horrified and ashamed I was at that low number? It really stuck in my craw because I just hit that number for 2023, and we still have a lot of year left.

Admittedly, I was going through some shit last year. My grandma died. I lost another toe. I had to go to detox. I was in and out of the hospital a ridiculous amount of time. And then there was the constant fear of homelessness. I'm still kind of surprised we haven't gotten our notice to leave the house.

But 2020 might have been worse. I went through a lot of fucked up shit then, and I still didn't have such a low number of books read that year. What the fuck?

(Well, now that I think on it, I didn't have a job that year, so I did have more time than usual on my hands, and I didn't use it *all* for drinking. Just *most* of it.)

Never again. That's my promise now, and I've made good on it this year.

How many books is that? A few people asked me that in January, and I didn't want to answer them because I was ashamed of that low number, but I guess I'll state it now for the record.

That number of books is . . .

Whoo-boy. This is tough. Maybe I should have a Wild Turkey 101 straight up for enough courage to say this.

Okay, here we go. I only read . . .

*blows out air* Is this really that hard? I guess so. Fuck. Let's rush through it.

I ONLY READ FORTY-FUCKING-FOUR BOOKS LAST YEAR.

There, I said it. Now you know why I could barely look myself in the mirror a few months back. I have never in my entire life read less than 100 books in any given year (discounting, of course, the three years I could not read or read well).

So I'm still a little behind. If the trend continues, I expect to hit 98 books by December 31. So I have to pick up the pace.

Wish me luck.

FREE BOOKS

 

OK, so I'm giving away some of my books. This is addressed to two kinds of people: my readers and anyone who has a book review website (or better yet, a print magazine you write for).

TO MY READERS: To the first ten people who buy a print copy of my new book, TRAIL OF BLOOD, I will send you a free signed copy of my previous book, THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HIERONYMUS ALOYSIS ZIEGE. I have three copies of Trail that you can buy from me personally for $13 even, no additional shipping. Otherwise, you can buy it elsewhere and send me a copy of the receipt at tabardinnedgewoodent@yahoo.com. First come, first serve. Remember, this is for the first ten readers. US only. Sorry, everyone else.

TO REVIEWERS: I'm going on the honor system here. I'm not going to check up on you, so if you're going to lie to me, please make it a good one and at the very least leave a review for me on Amazon and Goodreads. But if you are a book reviewer, I have a few copies of Trail of Blood that were not up to snuff for me. Some copies have super small lettering and aren't very well spaced, and other copies have a couple of typos (which is particularly embarrassing because one of them is part of the back copy). Contact me here or on my social media or at the email above, and I'll send you a copy free of charge in exchange for an honest review. As stated above, US only. Sorry, everyone else.

Any questions? Let me know.

CHRISTMAS BOOK SALE

 Christmas is the one and only holiday I care about anymore, and I have a deal for you. Good for today and today only. You must order by midnight tonight. Central time. I may be asleep by then, but as long as the time stamp is before midnight, then it's still good.

Five bucks for a book. Limit of one book per household. First come, first serve. No shipping. No strings attached. If you feel like leaving me an honest review on Amazon or Goodreads or even posting on social media about it? Cool. I'd be grateful. But the only price is five bucks. Good only in the US. Sorry, everywhere else, but shipping to you costs an arm, a leg, a firstborn child, etc. If you live in another country, I'll send you something digital for free. Not sure what I have, but I'll figure something out. In the US: Let me know what you want, and I'll send payment info to you. All books come signed. Let me know how you would like them signed.

Here are the books I have.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HIERONYMUS ALOYSIS ZIEGE

TALES OF UNSPEAKABLE TASTE

BLOOD

POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS

TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE

STRIP

GONZO RISING

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #546: TOO MANY BOOKS

 I know. I'm the same way. "Too many books?" No such thing. You fool! How could you even joke about such a thing?

Well. Maybe. JUST MAYBE. Possibly. I have too many books. In all likelihood.

So I don't know how much time I've got left in this place. I assumed that the bank would claim this house sometime between Halloween and Thanksgiving, but from my understanding they have to give us a 30-day notice before sending the sheriff in. We haven't gotten that yet, so maybe it won't be quite so soon. Regardless, I've been packing my shit. Almost all of my books have been packed. I've kept only a few available because I know they're next on my reading list, or if I can't find the book that's supposed to be next, here are a bunch that can take its place.

All my bookcases except for one are now falling apart. It seems that I have so many books that the only thing holding these bookcases up were, uh, those books that I've now packed away. The backs are falling off, the shelves are warped, the pegs are broken. I can probably fix a couple of them with a hammer and nails, but one of them is absolutely useless now. There is no possible way I can ever use this thing to hold books again.

So maybe there is such a thing as too many books.

Maybe.

POST PRINTERS ROW BOOK SALE

 Since we got rained out on the second day of Printers Row, I still have stock of my own books. Here is what I have and what each one costs. And I'll tell you what, I'll give you a deal. Buy any three books? That's $30 in total, shipping included.

-THE LIFE AND TIMES OF HIERONYMUS ALOYSIS ZIEGE: 23 copies. $12 each. If you buy this book, you will also get a copy of SHIT POEMS NUMBER 2 for free! Limited to 30 copies! First come, first serve.

-TALES OF UNSPEAKABLE TASTE: 3 copies. $14 each.

-BLOOD: 5 copies. $12 each.

-POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS: 2 copies. $10 each.

-TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: 2 copies. $12.

-STRIP: 1 copy. $15.

-GONZO RISING: 1 copy. $12.

And what the hell? I have a bunch of copies of issues 1 and 3 of TABARD INN. I'll throw those in for free for any purchase. I'd put issue 2 in there, too, but I'm pretty sure I'm out of those.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #438: MY READING LIST

 So I'm perpetually ten years behind on my reading list, and I'm slipping even further back. Books that had just been released when I added them were published in 2009 now. It's irritating, but there's nothing I can do about, and like the fucking idiot that I am, I keep buying more and more books. I know for a fact that I'm not going to live long enough to get to them all, and it's probably just going to be a hassle for my relatives when I die.

But I can't help myself.

Not too long ago I found myself looking at that reading list. When I finish a book, I put a dot next to it. I have three notebooks filled with a book on each line. The first notebook is done. I'm halfway through the second. And then I thought that once upon a time this list was only one notebook long. In fact, once upon a time that list was one page long.

And that led me to another strange thought. Once upon a time I didn't have a reading list. I just let chaos guide me. I'd go to the library and pick whatever I wanted to read next. Thinking about the lack of a plan back then shocks me. It's very unlike me. But at the same time, I kinda miss the freedom of something like that. Back when I first started putting this reading list together I fantasized about finishing it and then going back to what I did before: going to the library and letting chaos guide my hand.

That's never going to happen again. Probably. The odds are staggeringly against me on this one. Then again, I figured I'd be dead by now. Death has come for me a few times now, and he always goes away without me. Sometimes he takes pieces of me, like my gall bladder and my toe, but he hasn't gotten the whole package yet. His John Bruni collection is incomplete. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I have this irrational thought that I might not actually die. That I might live until the heat death of the sun. I know that's stupid, but when you've beaten death like I have, it makes you kinda cocky, and we all know what Han Solo said about that.

But what if I do finish the list? What if I got my book habit under control and stopped buying books whenever I felt like it? Just stick to the new releases of a handful of authors. What then?

Just kidding. That's never going to happen. The only reason I didn't buy a book yesterday was because I'm broke. And I spent some time with a friend getting drunk and seeing Ghostbusters: Afterlife. By the time I got home, I was pretty out of it, hence the lack of a GF column last night. I just wanted to watch TV and pass out, which is exactly what I did.

And I'm going to bed now. Goodnight, fuckers.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #340: SALES WORK

 I used to believe that I was good at selling only things that I care about. That's why I try to stay away from sales jobs. There are few things I care enough about to successfully sell them.

The first time I worked in sales was at a group of local newspapers. They hired me to sell ad space. I'd done similar work in college for the campus literary magazine. How hard could it be for newspapers? It turned out to be a very different beast. In college you go for local businesses, and because they want college kids buying stuff at their stores it's a win-win to advertise with the lit mag. Selling to these people was easy. I found out very quickly that selling ad space for the magazines, in particular the ones directed at people wanting to stay in B&Bs across the country, was very difficult. People got mad at you for bothering them. I lasted two weeks at that job. But it had an advantage: my boss found out I wrote, and he offered to publish me in those newspapers. So that worked out pretty nicely.

My next sales job was at Drury Lane in Oakbrook. I sold season tickets to theater. That job went a lot better because I love plays. Added bonus: I got to see them all for free and enjoy the open bar after each one. Because I knew the plays--and liked them!--I could sell like crazy. One of the compliments I picked up was when my boss said he didn't want to hire me because men were lousy at this job. They rarely sold. I'd applied for the job, and he turned me down, but when I went back the second time he liked my tenacity and hired me. It turned out that I was the only man he ever hired who sold reliably. One week I even beat our top seller, which was damn near impossible because she was so good.

And then there's selling books. That gets me hard. Whether it's at a convention, a show or even Printers Row (which I sorely miss), I'm pretty good at selling books.

So imagine my surprise when I learned that I was good at selling auto glass. No one, and I mean NO ONE, cares about auto glass until they absolutely need it. They probably don't even give it a single thought otherwise. I've certainly never wondered about the state of, say, my windshield or even a vent glass. I'm surprised I got the job in the first place, and I thought I'd make my quotas, more or less, probably just enough to keep the job.

And then training ended. I got out on the floor. I sold like crazy. Six months after my date of hire, I was expected to make ten sales a day. Here I am in month two, and I'm routinely selling more than that. Sometimes a lot more. I've hit twenty a day a few times. My personal best, so far, is 24, and that happened today. My commission check is going to look fucking amazing. I can't wait.

And even better: this is the only job I've ever worked where the better I am at the job, the more I'm rewarded. Every other place proved that the better I was at it, the more miserable they'd make me. I remember working at places where they discontinued the annual bonus. Where they decided that if you get promoted, you don't get a raise. Things like that. And then the higher ups wonder why their employees despise them so much.

Here, after I sell a certain amount, my commissions go up another dollar . . . until the next mark, where they go up another dollar, and so on. The better I am, the more money I make. Not only that, but we don't have a vending machine at work. WE HAVE FREE SHIT. The bosses order an entire pallet of snacks and drinks every month, and they just give it to us for free. Among the drinks is the second greatest non-alcoholic beverage known to humanity (the first being Tang, naturally), Mexican Coke. They use real sugar instead of that horrid corn syrup. Sure, I have the 'Beetus, but there are some sacrifices I'm not ready to make. So yeah, not just free shit, but good shit. Happy employees work a lot better than miserable employees.

Plus I get the feeling that so long as I continue to sell above expectations, I suspect that they would be reluctant to get rid of me for any reason. I'm sure that if they found out about my books, they wouldn't care. If I turned out to be an asshole, they'd probably give consideration to determining what kind of asshole I was first. Don't get me wrong, if I raped someone they would get rid of me. But if it came out that I murdered someone, they'd probably ask why before thinking about getting rid of me.

I'm a little on edge every day, which isn't always the best feeling, but when I'm making those sales, it helps keep me hungry. I keep thinking about that commission check at the end of next month. Right now I'm looking at $1,000+, and I still have a few days to go.

If I get a second to breathe, or if I'm on an unending hold with an insurance company on a customer's behalf, I'll look at the leaderboard. I'm shocked at how well I'm doing. I think soon I'll be averaging 20 sales a day. But I look to the top of the list and wonder who the hell these people are who are making 64 sales a day, or even 45. Are they robots? Selling machines? How the hell do I get that good? Because I've gone most of my life without money. It would be very good to have a shit-ton right now before I get too old (or dead) to enjoy it.

I think they're eyeing me for a promotion already. I've been asked to serve as backup for another department. Judging from what I know about the company so far, that can only mean one thing.

Think about it this way: the more money I have, the more books I have. Not only that, but I can start affording real marketing for my own books . . . Planet Bruni, coming soon to a world near you.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #287: WORTH THE SQUEEZE

Since my return from the hospital, I have mostly been cooped up at home, mostly in bed watching stuff on Netflix and Prime. Today I did something I haven't done in years. Maybe decades. And it felt so fucking good I had to tell you all about it.


I decided I wanted a book. Badly. Instead of going to Amazon I decided to get it the old fashioned way: go to bookstores and find it myself. Don't you sometimes miss that? Hunting something down instead of letting Jeff Bezos find it for you and possibly sending it to you the next day? Sure, I go to bookstores, but it's mostly to browse. I haven't gone to one in ages looking for one particular book. So I got outside today and did some hunting.


Yes, I went to every fucking bookstore within comfortable driving distance, and I searched them all for what I was looking for. I had to have been in half a dozen Half-Price Books. I went to Anderson's. Hell, I went all the way down to Darien to the Frugal Muse. And not a single fucking one of them had the book I was looking for.


My final planned stop was Cornerstone, a used book store in Villa Park pretty close to my comics shop. Dammit, I made it too late. They were closed. Then I had a horrible thought. So terrible that I don't want to admit it here. But . . . well . . . here goes.


There's a Barnes & Noble at the Oak Brook mall. Why not try there? It was still open. What else do I have to do? Go home and watch more Netflix?


So I went to Barnes & Noble. I went past all the crap that aren't books that they sell. I went up a fucking escalator, for fuck's sake. And then I went to the section I needed. And guess what?


They had the book I was looking for. They had three copies.


Shamefully I grabbed the book. I made sure it was the right one. Then I went down the escalator and bought the book. I hated that I had to resort to this. Who knows? Maybe in the end my purchase will keep Barnes & Noble alive for a full three extra minutes in the end.


Then I got out to my car. I held the object of my day-long hunt in my hands.  And goddam, if I didn't feel fucking elated. I'd done it the old fashioned way. It was still possible. Maybe I didn't win the way I expected, but goddammit I fucking won.


I can't tell you how happy that made me feel.


If you're wondering what the book was, take a guess. If you've been following me on social media, I'll give you a hint: it's the basis of one of the shows that kept me going during my most recent illness.

BOOKS IN STOCK

It's been a while since I posted what I have in stock of my own books in case you want to buy directly from me. I'll even do the 3 for $25 deal that we usually do at conventions and book festivals. Otherwise they're $10 each. (Or, if you're just buying DoF, $7.) If you live close enough to me that I can hand deliver it, cool. If not, shipping charges will apply. If you see something you like, let me know.

-STRIP: 2

-TALES OF QUESTIONABLE TASTE: 3

-POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS: 1

-DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN: 6

-STRANGE SEX 3: 4

-ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! BRAIN BANG!: 2

-STRANGE FUCKING STORIES: 1

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #170: TALKING ABOUT BOOKS I LOVE

You know what you can't get when you buy books from Amazon? I'd forgotten it myself, to be honest. I shouldn't have. It's something so important that I'm ashamed of not recalling this.


When you go to a physical bookstore, you gather together the books you want to purchase. Then you go to the counter to pay for them. The clerk starts zapping your bar codes with the laser reader. And then he or she comes upon one of your selections, and he or she says, "Oh! You love this author's work?!" Or, "I love this book! Let me know what you think of it!" Or something along those lines.


Yesterday I went to Anderson's in Naperville because it's been a while since I've gone to an indie bookstore. Longtime readers might recall that I routinely give this advice: go to an indie bookstore once a month. I fucked up. I'm sorry. But I went yesterday for the first time in a while. I selected books by Bonnie McFarlane, Larry Wilmore, Patton Oswalt and a collection of John Wayne's personal letters. I took them to the desk, and the clerk started zapping the bar codes.


Then she came to Larry Wilmore's book of essays, and she said, "Oh! I love this show! Do you watch this show?" And we spent the next five minutes talking about how awesome Larry Wilmore and The Nightly Show is. This conversation charged me up. I'd completely forgotten about how fucking cool these conversations are.


The last time I went to Anderson's (this one in Downers Grove), I purchased Harper Lee's GO SET A WATCHMAN, and when I went to the counter, I had a wonderful discussion of the controversy about Atticus Finch in this book.


Rewind about ten or fifteen years. I used to work at my local library. Most of my employment there was spent as a page, but the last few years were as a desk clerk. Whenever someone checked out a book I thoroughly enjoyed or a new book by a writer I respect, I always struck up a conversation with them.


I miss that. I really do.


Amazon is pretty cool. They always have what I want. But the indie bookstores are the best. I will never have a book conversation with someone from Amazon as I make my purchase. Once again I advise you all to go to an indie bookstore at least once a month. I hope you do better at that than I usually do.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #154: A NEW BOOKSTORE SPROUTS

Remember how I said that I do my best to go to an indie bookstore at least once a month? I try to live up to that, but I'm not always successful. Imagine my surprise when an indie bookstore popped up a mile from where I live . . .

It blew me away. I couldn't believe there was a bookstore so close to me. I saw a sign pointing it out on the same street I live on, just a mile away from where I sleep every night. I saw the sign (no Ace of Base jokes, please) a month ago, but I didn't have the free time to investigate until I had time off. The shitty thing is, this bookstore doesn't have a good location. No one would expect a bookstore there, for one, and for another, it's really hard to find. I can't even describe what it takes to find this place. It's in a strip mall BEHIND a strip mall that you can't see from the street. I drove past the place twice before I found it. If you live in Elmhurst, you'll find it behind 7-Eleven and Mama Maria's.

But shit. When I walked in, it was a nice enough place, but I don't think it was meant for me. From first glance, it looks like this place is aimed more at kids. There is some stuff for adults, but I saw more kids books than adult books. Chances are, I won't be back.

BUT. If you're local and you have kids, this place will be perfect for you. The books I was bragging about finding earlier today actually came from the Frugal Muse in Darien, which is a great place. I picked up a dinged copy of AMERICAN SNIPER from A Book Above. I wanted the book, but it was more of a polite purchase. But still.

A Book Above is not my kind of thing, but if you live in the Chicagoland area, and you have a kid, this is the perfect place for you. It's a wonderful indie bookshop. I highly recommend it.

USED BOOKS AND POSTERS FOR SALE!

[EDIT: The sale is now over. Thank you to everyone who bought something.]


My life is waaaaaay too cluttered. I have to get rid of some stuff. I'm selling a bunch of books and posters. It's not because I don't love them, but it may be because I didn't get much out of them, or I have more than one copy, but they've got to go. I'm offering them up to those who follow me first. Whatever is left by Halloween is going to Half Price Books. If you're interested in a book, they're $2 each. The posters are .50. If you live close enough to pick them up from me, that's it. UPDATE: Due to circumstances beyond my control, I can no longer ship posters. Apparently USPS and UPS considers them "oddly shaped" and therefore cannot ship for less than $12. If you want to take that insane leap, I'll do it, but I somehow don't see anyone wanting that. You can contact me in the comments, Facebook, Twitter, etc., or you can send requests to tabardinnedgewoodent@yahoo.com. I hope you all find something you like, and first come, first serve.

Allbeury, Ted

            -Shadow of Shadows

Allingham, Margery

            -Traitor’s Purse

Anderson, Poul

            -The King of Ys: The Dog and the Wolf with Karen Anderson

Anscombe, Roderick

            -The Secret Life of Laszlo, Count Dracula

Arensberg, Ann

            -Incubus

Austen, Jane

            -Emma

            -Northanger Abby

Bacon-Smith, Camille

            -Daemons, Inc.

Barbour, David

            -Shadows Bend with Richard Raleigh

Black, Campbell

            -Letters from the Dead

Blatty, William Peter

            -Elsewhere

Block, Thomas H.

            -Orbit

Bolin, MC

            -Armageddon

            -Gone in 60 Seconds

Bowker, David

            -The Death Prayer

Brand, Max

            -Donegan

            -Gun Gentlemen

            -The Guns of Dorking Hollow

            -The White Wolf

Breslin, Catherine

            -Unholy Child

Brooks, Owen

            -The Gatherer

Brooks, Terry

            -The Black Unicorn

            -The Elfstones of Shannara

            -The Sword of Shannara

            -The Wishsong of Shannara

Burney, Frances

            -Evelina

Carcaterra, Lorenzo

            -Apaches

Caunitz, William J.

            -Black Sand

            -Pigtown

Cheshire, Giff

            -Stronghold

Cline, C. Terry

            -Reaper

Collins, Larry

            -The Fifth Horseman with Dominique Lapierre

Cook, Judith

            -The Slicing Edge of Death

Coyne, John

            -The Legacy

Cunningham, Jere

            -The Visitor

Darnton, John

            -Neanderthal

David, Peter

            -Batman Forever

Deaver, Jeffery

            -The Coffin Dancer

Defoe, Daniel

            -Robinson Crusoe

Dekker, Thomas

            -The Shoemaker’s Holiday

DiPego, Gerald

            -Keeper of the City

Doyle, Sir Arthur Conan

            -The Complete Sherlock Holmes

            -The Complete Sherlock Holmes vol. 1

            -A Study in Scarlet and The Hound of the Baskervilles

Edwards, Anne

            -Haunted Summer

Eidson, Bill

            -The Guardian

Elrod, PN

            -A Chill in the Blood

            -The Dark Sleep

Eulo, Ken

            -The House of Caine

Farmer, Philip Jose

            -The Dark Design

Farris, John

            -Sharp Practice x 2

Faulkner, William

            -Light in August

            -Sanctuary

            -The Sound and the Fury

Franklin, Max

            -The Dark

Gardner, Craig Shaw

            -Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Return to Chaos

Garrett, Randall

            -Lord Darcy

Garrison, Webb

            -Civil War Curiosities

            -More Civil War Curiosities

Gems, Jonathan

            -Mars Attacks!

Gipe, George

            -Explorers

Goddard, Ken

            -Cheater

Goldsborough, Robert

            -The Last Coincidence

Griffin, WEB

            -The Core: Semper Fi

            -The Victim

Grisham, John

            -The Firm

Hall, Karen

            -Dark Debts

Hambly, Barbara

            -Those Who Hunt the Night

Hamilton, Laurell K.

            -Burnt Offerings

Harris, Richard

            -Enemies

Harvey, Clay

            -A Flash of Red

Heffernan, William

            -Ritual

Hemingway, Ernest

            -A Farewell to Arms

            -The Old Man and the Sea

Henley, Beth

            -The Miss Firecracker Contest

Herbert, Frank

            -Dune Messiah and Children of Dune

Herbert, James

            -Moon

Hitchens, Dolores

            -Stairway to an Empty Room

Hogan, Chuck

            -The Blood Artists

Hogan, Ray

            -Pilgrim

Horovits, Leslie Alan

            -The Donors with H. Harris Gerhard

Huggins, James Byron

            -Cain

            -Hunter

James, Henry

            -The Portrait of a Lady

Jensen, Carl

            -20 Years of Censored News

Karlin, Wayne

            -Lost Armies

Katz, Shelley

            -The Lucifer Child

Katz, William

            -Death Dreams

Kellerman, Jonathan

            -The Butcher’s Theater

Kerr, Philip

            -Esau

King, Stephen

            -Carrie

            -Cujo

            -The Dark Tower: The Gunslinger

            -The Dead Zone x 2

            -Different Seasons x 2

            -Firestarter

            -Misery

            -Night Shift x 3

            -Salem’s Lot x 2

            -The Shining

            -Skeleton Crew

            -The Stand

            -The Tommyknockers

Kiraly, Marie

            -Mina

Knight, Kathryn Lasky

            -Mumbo Jumbo

Kunstler, James Howard

            -The Wampanaki Tales

Kyd, Thomas

            -The Spanish Tragedy

LeFanu, J.S.

            -Uncle Silas

Leroux, Gaston

            -The Phantom of the Opera

Lowen, James W.

            -Lies Across America

Lucas, George

            -Shadow Moon with Chris Claremont

Luceno, James

            -The Shadow

Lutz, John

            -Bonegrinder

Martin, Malachi

            -Hostage to the Devil

Mason, Bobbie Ann

            -Shiloh and Other Stories

McCarrick, Chris Shea

            -Now You See Her

McNally, Clare

            -Somebody Come and Play

McNally, Terrence

            -Lips Together Teeth Apart

Melville, Herman

            -Moby Dick

            -Typee

Menninger, Karl

            -The Crime of Punishment

Menzies, gavin

            -1421

Mercado, Carol

            -A Voice from the Grave

Murphy, Pat

            -There and Back Again

Newman, Sharan

            -Guinevere

Norton, Andre

            -Here Abide Monsters

Onetti, Juan Carlos

            -Body Snatcher

Parkin, Lance

            -Dr. Who: The Infinity Doctors

Pasternak, boris

            --Dr. Zhivago

Pelton, Robert Young

            -The World’s Most Dangerous Places

Pool, Daniel

            -Dickens’ Fur Coat and charlotte’s Unanswered Letters

Pope, Alexander

            -Essay on Man and Other Poems

Prachett, Terry

            -Guards! Guards!

Presler, Jerome

            -Last Man Standing

Preston, Richard

            -The Cobra Effect

Profumo, Tony

            -The Mime

Pulver, Joseph S.

            -Nightmare’s Disciple

Rainey, Rich

            -Haunted History

Ralston, Gilbert A.

            -Ben

Ramos, Manuel

            -The Ballad of Gato Guerrero

Ravenswood, Fritzen

            -The Witching

Reuben, Shelly

            -Origin and Cause

Roby, Mary Linn

            -When the Witch is Dead

Rosen, RD

            -Strike Three, You’re Dead

Rucka, Greg

            -Batman: No Man’s Land

Salinger, JD

            -The Catcher in the Rye

            -Franny and Zooey

Saperstein, Alan

            -Camp

Schmidt, Stanley

            -Tweedlioop

Schoel, William

            -Saurian

Scotti, RA

            -The Devil’s Own

Shakespeare, William

            -Four Tragedies (Romeo & Juliet, Macbeth, Hamlet and Julius Caesar)

            -Henry IV, pt. 1

            -Romeo and Juliet

Sharman, Nick

            -The Surrogate

Shaw, Bernard

            -Saint Joan x 2

Sheridan, Richard Brinsley

            -The School for Scandal

Simak, Clifford D.

            -Over the River and Through the Woods

Silone, Ignazio

            -Bread and Wine

Slater, Ian

            -Showdown USA vs. Militia

Stackpole, Michael A.

            -A Hero Born

Stanwood, Brooks

            -The Glow

Stout, David

            -Hell Gate with Ruth Furie

Straub, Peter

            -Koko

            -Shadowland

Tan, Amy
            -The Kitchen God’s Wife

Teresi, Dick

            -Lost Discoveries

Thomas, Craig

            -Firefox

Tine, Robert

            -The Hand that Rocks the Cradle

Traver, Robert

            -Anatomy of a Murder

Turtledove, Harry

            -How Few Remain

            -The Two Georges with Richard Dreyfuss

Vaughan, Robert

            -Yesterday’s Reveille

Walker, Dale L.

            -Mavericks

Weaver, Michael D.

            -My father Immortal

Wharton, Edith

            -The House of Mirth

Whitten, Leslie

            -The Alchemist

Williams, Walter J.

            -The Rift

Wolfe, Gene

            -The Book of the New Sun with poster

Woolfolk, William

            -The Sendai

Wouk, Herman

            -The Caine Mutiny

            -City Boy: Adventures of Herbie Bookbinder

            -Don’t Stop the Carnival

Ancient Mysteries by Peter James and Nick Thorpe

The Book of Dzyan edited by Tim Maroney

Caesar’s Gallic Wars I-IV

Carnage at Christhaven from the Chrysostom Society

Great American Folklore

Independence Day by Dean Devlin, Roland Emmerich and Stephen Molstad

The Legacy of Heorot by Larry Niven, Jerry Pournelle and Steven Barnes

The Pendtragon Chronicles

Portable Steinbeck

Post Reader of Civil War Stories

QPB Treasury of North American Folktales

Scroll of Thoth edited by Richard L. Tierney

Seven Masterpieces of Gothic Horror

The Weird Wide Web by Erfert Fenton and David Pogue

STAR TREK

-Blood Thirst by JM Dillard

-Deep Domain by Howard Weinstein

-The Entropy Effect by Vonda McIntyre

-Final Frontier by Diane Carey

-Memory Prime by Gar and Judith Reeves-Stevens

-The Voyage Home by Vonda McIntyre

STAR WARS

-Attack of the Clones by RA Salvatore

-The Black Fleet Crisis by Michael P. Kube-McDowell

-Children of the Jedi by Barbara Hambly

-The Corellian Trilogy by Roger MacBride Allen

-The crystal Star by Vonda McIntyre

-Dark Tide by Michael A. Stackpole

-Darksaber by Kevin J. Anderson

-The Phantom Menace by Terry Brooks

-The Planet of Twilight by Barbara Hambly

-Rogue Planet by Greg Bear

-The Truce at Bakura by Kathy Tyers

-Vector Prime by RA Salvatore

-X-Wing The Bacta War by Michael A. Stackpole

-X-Wing Iron Fist by Aaron Allston

-X-Wing The Krytos Trap by Michael A. Stackpole

-X-Wing Solo Command by Aaron Allston

-X-Wing Wedge’s Gamble by Michael A. Stackpole

-X-Wing Wraith Squadron by Aaron Allston

THIEVES’ WORLD

-Beyond Sanctuary by Janet Morris

-Beyond the Veil by Janet Morris

-Beyond Wizardwall by Janet Morris

-The Price of Victory edited by Robert Lynn Aspirin and Lynn Abbey

X-FILES

-Anti-Bodies by Kevin J. Anderson

-Fight the Future by Elizabeth Hand

-Ground Zero by Kevin J. Anderson

-Ruins by Kevin J. Anderson

POSTERS

BATMAN AND ROBIN

CARS

THE CRAZIES (remake)

ENCHANTED

FOLKS!

GHOST IN THE DARKNESS

HIDEAWAY

THE HOUSE OF USHER

THE INVADERS

INDEPENDENCE DAY

K2

LOTR: THE TWO TOWERS

MASTER AND COMMANDER

MCBAIN

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL

RELENTLESS 3

RESIDENT EVIL AFTERLIFE

SHAFT (remake)

SPLICE

SWITCH

THE TEMP

THE VANISHING

VIRTUOSITY

X-FILES