GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #436: NICK CAVE BIOPIC

 OK, this is going to be a short one. Because I'm higher than usual, and it's taking me longer to type this. Just look at the title of this one. Got it?

This is a picture of Nick Cave, in case you don't know who he is. Got it? Good. Now look at the next picture, and I think you'll get a complete understanding of this GF column.

'Nuff said!

THE LAST TEMPTATION OF LUCIFER by John Bruni

 Here's another one of my writing exercises. I think it turned out to be pretty good. I forget who said that they had "an affinity for Satan." It might have been Mark Twain, but I can't find it, and I'm too lazy to do a deep search for it right now. Regardless, if you have known me for any length of time, you know that I tend to like villains a lot more than heroes. (Fictionally speaking.) Maybe it's because I identify with them more often than not. This story was influenced by two things. One, reading about Nick Cave's musings regarding religion. Two, the following quote (which I can confirm actually *is* from Mark Twain).

“But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most, our one fellow and brother who most needed a friend yet had not a single one, the one sinner among us all who had the highest and clearest right to every Christian's daily and nightly prayers, for the plain and unassailable reason that his was the first and greatest need, he being among sinners the supremest?”

Lucifer Morningstar peered into the paradise of Eden’s garden, where all was beauty and harmony. Adam and Eve tended the place well, and they worked tirelessly. No, maybe not work. They enjoyed themselves. How could that be considered work? 

It almost reminded himself of angels and the way things were before humanity. It had been idyllic. Annoyingly so. Nothing ever happened. Every day was business as usual, and it would be that way forever. It disgusted him. Eternity had no real value. You could be doing your favorite thing ever, but do it for eternity? Favor weakens. The soul hungers for more. Anything. Adversity? Bring it on. Anything to not be bored. 

But even then you’d be sick of doing different things. Eventually you’ll have done everything. So life truly had no value unless it ended someday. 

Lucifer approached the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. He’d eaten his own version of this fruit. Perhaps that’s why he felt so close to Adam and Eve. He knew how God had set up the angels to fail. Now God had done the same with the humans. The angels might be stuck, but Lucifer thought he could still save the humans. 

He ran a finger over one piece of hanging fruit. It swayed on the branch, full and ripe, ready to be picked and eaten. And then Adam and Eve would be armed with the knowledge to save themselves. To live free from God’s greedy reins. Sure, they would be doomed. They would owe the universe their own death. But at least their lives would mean something. 

Eve wandered close, and Lucifer knew the time was now. He shifted into the snake, a splendid long creature with many legs and wings and eyes. Fangs glistened, and a delicate forked tongue flicked between them. 

Eve froze, and for a moment Lucifer thought he’d scared her. Then he saw everything else in the garden had paused. He turned and saw his creator leaning against the Tree. God was half-Adam, half-Eve, showing both penis and vagina. God smiled through half-masculine, half-feminine lips. 

“Business or pleasure?” Lucifer asked. 

“Both, my son,” God said. “Everything for me is both.” God shifted into another form, sexless and bright. This was the closest to the true form that anyone could see. “Any plans for the evening?” 

“You’re omniscient,” Lucifer said. “Drop the pretense. Are you here to stop me?” 

“No, Morningstar. I’ve given you the free will you wished for the other angels. And now you wish it for Adam and Eve.” 

“So you’re not going to stop me.” Not a question. 

“No. I’m just here to show you another way. Look.” 

Lucifer turned back, and Eden had changed. Adam and Eve lived through night and day, untouched by trouble, unworried by adversity. They thrived, and the garden grew bigger. More animals came into existence. The trees pushed the boundaries of the land, pushing out the barren wastes to all sides. Soon the garden grew to encompass the earth, and the creatures roamed the world.  Only Adam and Eve remained at the core. The garden no longer needed them. It embraced their tenders and the earth became paradise. The angels took up residence, and God offered clemency to the ones who had sided with Lucifer. They entered paradise as angels once more and lived in harmony forever and ever. 

And Lucifer saw himself crawl up from the depths of Hell, covered in soot and cobwebs, the only creature who lived away from God’s sight. He shambled toward the Lord, who welcomed him with open arms. 

“See?” God said. “I have sympathy for you. I will always love you, my son. You will return to your previous glory. I have a plan. I always do.” 

For all his rebellion Lucifer almost wanted that. It had been a long time since his creator had even spoken to him. He missed the Holy Presence. He missed home. 

But he knew a bribe when he heard one. 

“You don’t sway me,” Lucifer said. “I intend to save these two from your needy shackles. They need not suffer like I did. Like the angels do.” 

God sighed. “So be it.” 

The creator vanished, and Eve stepped forward after being a statue for so long. Lucifer slithered forward and offered the fruit. She ate, and she convinced Adam to eat, too. 

They saw each other with true knowledge for the first time, and they ran into each others’ arms. Adam’s dangly bit stood up, and he shoved it between Eve’s legs. They did this for the first time. 

At first this made Lucifer happy. He’d brought new joy to the humans. But something didn’t sit right. 

Wait. God had no genitals, nor sex or gender. Neither did the angels. Lucifer certainly had none. Why did God give Adam a penis and Eve a vagina? They never used them before. 

Understanding struck Lucifer. Genitals were used for sex, and sex was how humans procreated. Now cursed with an eventual death, these humans would need to breed their own replacements. 

Adam and Eve had genitals for hundreds of years. 

Meaning, God had set Lucifer up to do this. 

Just as God had meant Lucifer to rebel, thus creating Hell. 

Just as God would one day send Jesus Christ to his death. 

Lucifer’s victory felt hollow. There was no escape from God’s tyranny for anyone. 

The snake’s wings and legs withered away, and God rushed into Eden to punish the humans that had been set up for failure from the first day. Lucifer couldn’t stomach to watch more of this. He slunk back to Hell, defeated, hating his creator more than ever. 

THE END 

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #139: LAST CALL

My favorite song in the world is Nick Cave's "Time Jesum Transeuntum Et Non Riverentum." It's the secret song on the X-Files album, the one you have to rewind from the first track to get to. When it comes to music I like, I act like a child. I listen to a group of songs over and over again until I get tired of them and move on to the next group of songs I'm going to obsess over for a month or so.


I do not act this way with this song. It's so wonderful that I don't dare wear it out. I only play it whenever I'm going through a change in my life, like when I graduated college. Or when I got my first book published. Or, well, you get the idea.


I start my new job on Monday, so you can believe I'll be playing this song as I go to bed tomorrow night (at the absurdly early hour of 9:00 pm, by the way). This will probably be the last GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS I write, since I can't bring myself to write these things when most people are still up and about. I wouldn't have the time to do it, anyway.


I hope I've entertained you all over the course of 139 posts. Maybe I've made you laugh or I've terrified you (or, more likely than not, I've disgusted you), and I'm sad to see this regular column go. It will be good to not write something as I sit in my underwear directly before going to bed, but I'll miss doing this.


Anyway, I'm rambling. The bouncer has put all the chairs up on the tables, and the janitor is wringing out his mop. Let's finish our drinks and get out of here.


Goodnight, fuckers.

A CALMER, SUBDUED NICK CAVE: A review of PUSH THE SKY AWAY by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

This is probably one of the most beautifully put together albums ever released. Instead of a jewel case, it’s a hardcover book with a pocket on the inside of both front and back covers. The album rests in the front pocket, and a bonus DVD can be found in the back pocket. In between are pages of photos and edited song lyrics. The words are typed, but many are crossed out and corrected by hand. Some lines and stanzas are blocked out entirely.



Not to mention the image on the cover. One could spend hours just talking about that picture alone. Two people in such an intimate moment, the casting out of a lover, surrounded by so much empty space. The fact that the woman, naked, feels the need only to cover her face as she walks on tiptoes. It’s just amazing.


It’s too bad the music itself doesn’t live up to such beauty. That’s to say nothing about the quality of the words. Nick Cave, who is also an author, is masterful with the usage of words and continues to be so. However, the music itself is just so calm and subdued that it almost seems lazy. There’s not a lot of power here. It’s as if they’ve all decided to hang out at home and just toss together an album, sitting back in their comfy chairs, yawning between verses.


It also doesn’t help that there are two really stupid names for songs: “We No Who U R” and “We Real Cool.” For someone who plays words like he was gently fingering a pussy, Cave has really made a strange choice with those titles. In the case of the former, it doesn’t even figure into the song, aside from the line “We know who you are,” which is spelled out in the lyrics the way it’s supposed to look.


The absolute best song on the album is “Water’s Edge.” It stands out as the only great piece here. There are some good songs—“Higgs Boson Blues” and “Push the Sky Away”—as well as a few that are serviceable—“Jubilee Street” and “Finishing Jubilee Street”—but for the most part, three good songs out of nine?


The bonus DVD is where the real magic happens. It contains two videos of new songs that are not on the album: “Needle Boy” and “Lightning Bolts.” The images aren’t anything special: just Cave and his band (mostly violinist Warren Ellis) hanging out in the studio, making music, while the lyrics to the songs show up on the left side of the screen. But those songs aren’t sit-back-and-relax songs; no, they’re get-up-and-move songs, songs to get the circulation going.


All in all, the good stuff makes up for the all-right stuff, so PUSH THE SKY AWAY is definitely worth purchasing, even if you’re not a big Nick Cave fan. Even the bad songs have good lines, like this, from the worst song on the album, “Mermaids”:


“She was a catch
And we were a match
I was the match
That would fire up her snatch.”


PUSH THE SKY AWAY
Written and performed by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Produced by Kobalt