GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #642: AN UNFORTUNATE FACT OF MY LIFE

 This weekend I had to say goodbye to a fast food restaurant that I enjoy a great deal. I don't think I mentioned it here, but a couple of months ago I said on social media that my White Castle had suddenly disappeared. That angered me a great deal because now, if I wanted the flesh of the chicken snake, I had to go to the other White Castle within comfortable driving distance. It's a bit of a longer drive, and the way is very annoying, and there is only one exit out of the place, and it's pointing in the wrong direction for me. I mean, I could make an illegal turn to get out of there, and ordinarily I would, but it's waaaaaaaay too busy at that hour. There is no way I could do it successfully.

I have a rule. If I go to a restaurant, and they get my order wrong three visits in a row, I never go back there again. NEVER. Once you're on my shit list, there is no getting off of it. I could be broke and hungry and desperate, but if they were in front of me offering free food, I wouldn't go there.

So on Saturday this White Castle made a spectacular fuck up of my order for the third visit in a row. It's an unfortunate fact of my life, but if I did not live up to my self-imposed rules, then it would be sheer madness. In many ways I'm not all that different from Adrian Monk. It's a blessing . . . and a curse.

This essentially means that it will be a very, very long time before I go to White Castle again. The next closest one takes 45 minutes to get there, and I'm not going all that way for dinner. Harold and Kumar had an easier time of getting to White Castle than I would in this case. It's not happening. So I pretty much gave up on White Castle over the weekend, and I'm not happy about it.

But such is life.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #513: A RAW AND THROBBING ASSHOLE

 

[NOTE: This was supposed to be last night's entry, but I had more time then, so I decided to write at length about my Lyft experiences. I have less time tonight, so here we go. I edited it slightly so it would appear this is what I did today.]

I needed to get lunch this afternoon, but I didn't have any money. I'm broke and payday is tomorrow. However, I had a survey coupon for two free cheeseburgers from White Castle, so I thought, why not?

Side note: always take the surveys if there's free shit involved. I've kept myself fed through such cunning and devotion. I get angry if the survey doesn't have a reward for taking it. What, there's not even a sweepstakes entry for this? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

So I got my White Castle and went back to work. Shortly thereafter I remembered why people call these things gut-busters. I felt the all too familiar gurgling in my guts, like a Predator was nearby, and my butthole started burning slightly. Whoops! I got off the call I was on and rushed to the bathroom where I shat my guts out in a horribly violent manner. If this was a scene in a movie, there would be people picketing the film for its grim and ugly violence. No kid should have to see this.

And then, as I sat with my raw and throbbing asshole, the stink hit me. It smelled like a chemical burn. If someone lit a match in there the entire building would have gone up in a mushroom cloud, and I would have died like I've always expected: on the toilet, Elvis-style.

I really shouldn't eat White Castle unless I'm in the privacy of my own home.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #498: TODAY'S PROBLEM

 OK, it's not really today's problem, but since I got out of detox it has amplified quite a bit. This goes back a few years to the first time I tried quitting caffeine. But now, not only am I alcohol free, but I'm also caffeine free, too. And I'd like to stay that way as much as possible.

It pisses me off that whenever I go to a restaurant, be it fast food or whatever, I need to choose between having sugar and having caffeine. They simply don't have an option that is caffeine free and sugar free. I'm a diabetic and an addict, so it's a tough fucking choice for me.

And I know. A lot of you may be saying to go with the caffeine because no one cares if you're addicted to that shit. It's practically a requirement to be human. "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee" says just about everyone who works in a corporate office. Some of the same people who say that also look down on alcoholics and junkies and other addicts, which is pretty hypocritical if you ask me.

What's the harm? How does hypertension sound to you? Caffeine drives up your blood pressure, as it certainly did to me, so that's pretty unhealthy. And if you think you're not addicted to caffeine, try to stop. I'm good at quitting caffeine. I've done it at least a dozen times. The withdrawal headaches are debilitating. You can't concentrate on anything except the pain, and aspirin is not going to work on that. I went into caffeine withdrawal once while I was in the hospital on morphine, and not even that cut through the headaches.

But I'm getting away from myself. Whenever I'm home, I drink Caffeine Free Diet Coke. It would be nice if that was an option in restaurants. Shit, I'll even take the Pepsi option, and I don't like Pepsi. I usually go with the caffeine free option because I have insulin that I can up the dosage on. But that can't be healthy, and it's certainly not cost effective for when I no longer have my insulin pens.

So f I get a diet drink, it's got caffeine. If I get something without caffeine, like Sprite or Sierra Mist or Mug root beer, it's got sugar in it. I could get water, but I drink water all the time. When I'm eating, I need a beverage with some taste to it.

I've found there is one and only one exception to this rule: White Castle. They have a Freestyle machine, so I can get my Caffeine Free Diet Coke. I guess I'm going to start answering the Crave more often these days.

And don't come at me with Burger King. Yes, they have a Freestyle. No, they don't have Caffeine Free Diet Coke. They only have a handful of options on their Freestyle, which defeats the fucking purpose of having a Freestyle. You're supposed to have those in order to have ALL Coke products on it. Might as well go back to the regular fountain machine, those fucks.

PS: I went to the York Theater today in Elmhurst, and though they have a mere fountain machine, THEY HAVE CAFFEINE FREE DIET COKE. So at least there's that.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #12: FUCK FAST FOOD

Oh, how I wish I could agree with the title of this one. I've recently discovered that I'm really bad at quitting fast food. I managed to beat my addiction to caffeine, but fast food? Nope. I've been trying for weeks to defeat this one, but I just can't seem to do it.


A part of me blames Taco Bell for introducing the Quesarito, which is perfect if you order it without sour cream but add extra cheese (both shredded and nacho). That same part of me also blames Wendy's for bringing back the Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger, which is fucking amazing. And of course there are always the traditional stand-bys, like McDonald's (anything goes there) and White Castle (home of the Flesh of the Chicken Snake).


The fucked up thing? Most times, when I'm eating these things, I don't really give a fuck about them. I'm eating them because I love the idea of them, and that's so fucking crazy, not even I can reconcile it with the person I want to be. It's like jerking off even though you can't get a rod. You need to blow your load, but you can't get hard. That makes things difficult. You'll succeed, but it won't be as awesome as you think it will be. The orgasm will happen, but it will feel dull and weak, which isn't worth your time.


I need to get down to 235 lbs. for the next time I see my doctor, which is in August. Right now, I'm back up to 245. This is unacceptable. I need to tell fast food to go fuck itself, but that's the hardest thing for me to do, even harder than quitting caffeine (which was really fucking bad). I'm a fat ass who ate McDonald's for six years straight when I was in junior high and high school. I beat it when I graduated, since I managed to go an entire summer without that garbage (and I managed to lose 50 lbs. at the time). Why can't I do that again?


Fuck. Tomorrow, I'm going to try the AM Crunchwrap at Taco Bell. I'm probably going to fall in love with it. I suck at this.