Am I the only one out there who desperately hopes to find himself on latenightmistakes.com? I hope not. I scoured that site, and none of you thought to post anything from my debauchery there. Fuckers. Anyway, good news! There are more questions for FBJ, so there will indeed be a fourth installment next week! In the meantime, if you have anymore questions, please post them below. For now: your questions, FBJ’s answers . . . .
Rico asks: “Who would win in a fight, you or Ace from Mullen’s?”
[FOR THOSE WHO DON’T KNOW, ACE IS A FABULOUSLY DRUNKEN SINGER AT MULLEN’S IN LISLE. WITHOUT FAIL, HE GETS UP ON STAGE AND SINGS GNR’S “SWEET CHILD OF MINE.” I HAVE HAD MAYBE A HUNDRED CONVERSATIONS WITH THIS GUY, BUT HE NEVER REMEMBERS ME. HE TOLD ME ONCE HE’S GOT 10 DUIS, AND I DON’T DOUBT HIM.]
Future Booze Jesus says: This is a foolish question. Ace would never stand a chance against your drunken messiah. I appreciate his love of booze, but the man has no control. If it came down to a karaoke battle, he would probably beat me. But I take shits bigger than him, and my cock is ten feet long and bulletproof. NEXT QUESTION!
That Guy asks: “If alcohol allegedly kills all these brain cells, how come it never kills the ones that make me want to drink all the time? I mean come on, what are the odds that they are ever killed off? I am starting to think this whole brain cell killings is a great lie.”
Future Booze Jesus says: Welcome to a more enlightened caste. If alcohol killed brain cells, I’d be a retard by now. You too, probably. Instead, I rise above you with my steaming messiah genitals, ready to save the world with my powers. Anyone can do this; you just need to drink as much as I do. Spread the word and help the world throw off its yoke of sobriety. Only then can we, as a species, evolve and make the world a better, more fun place. NEXT QUESTION!
Worried About the Womb asks: “I tried to strangle my cousin’s baby with its own umbilical cord last night but was unsuccessful. Do you think the kid will grow up to hate me?
Future Booze Jesus says: You fool! I hate you, and I am the messiah! How could you have failed to strangle a child? And where the fuck did you get the umbilical cord?! Is your cousin’s baby still attached to your cousin? If so, I’m impressed by your audacity. I wouldn’t worry about it, though; babies are stupid, and they have the memory of an empty can of Icehouse.
Well, that’s all the questions we have for now. Join us next time, when we find out what next week’s winning Lotto numbers are, how good terrorists are at taking care of puppies, what to do if a tongue starts growing from your anus, and why we exist. Please help Future Booze Jesus continue handing out advice by leaving your queries in the comments below. For now, all I can say is: next question . . . ?
Dear FBJ,
ReplyDeleteI enjoy taking bubble baths all the time. Sometimes while in there I think of my co-workers. Is it wrong to tell people at work of my post curricular activities at home and show them pictures of it?
Thanks,
Purple Rain
HAHAHAHA.... I don't have a question, I just stopped by to laugh my ass off at that bubble bath question and commend you, Future Booze Jesus, for being the free-minded individual that you are who simply DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK :)
ReplyDeleteThanks!
P
Hey FBJ! Suck my rancid asshole! Yo momma was a slut, all the fly gods stuck it in her! Face!
ReplyDeleteWhat does a nuclear explosion taste like? I've always thought it'd be a bit salty.
ReplyDelete