FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 2

Welcome back to the Future Booze Jesus advice column! Very soon, FBJ will be available for children’s parties, so keep your appointment calendar nearby! He does not charge money, but he will expect to be paid in Wild Turkey 101. And believe me, you won’t find a better teacher; he will make sure your kids learn how to drink lots of shots and put their peers to shame! Sure, five-year-olds probably weren’t made for games like Edward 40-Hands, but with the help of FBJ, they will be ready for their high school and college years! Now, for questions and answers . . . .

Joey asks: “What the fuck is Yoda? You never see any other members of his species in STAR WARS. Is he a mutant?”


Future Booze Jesus says: Yoda was born 856 years before we met him in EMPIRE. Jaffa the Hutt, an ancestor of Jabba, had stomach problems after an evening of eating nbinriwoprfnit, and he shat out a turd about three feet tall. It turned out to be a sentient shit, and it soon learned the ways of the Force. After 113 years of being called Turd by his peers, he moved to the Dagobah system, where he reinvented himself as a great Jedi master. He named himself Yoda and waited for his peers to die off and for the world to forget him. He then re-emerged and quickly gained respect as a holy man. Oddly enough, Salacious Crumb was born the same way, but he took a different path. NEXT QUESTION!

Work Wife asks: “Will I ever find the mythical unicorn? And if so, will I be disappointed?”


Future Booze Jesus says: You fool! You will never find the mythical unicorn! Myths don’t exist! However, you will find a non-mythical unicorn on the eve of your 96th birthday. Unfortunately, it will be dead and very disappointing. You will bury it in your backyard, and three thousand years later, an alien culture will dig it up and find only the horn. The aliens will then masturbate furiously with it. NEXT QUESTION!


Potsy asks: “There was once a time, I think it was called HAPPY DAYS, when all the kids respected their parents and enjoyed malts and stuff. Will there be a woman president in the next 20 years?”

Future Booze Jesus says: Technically, no. But there will be a transsexual president elected in 2020, and “she” will present herself as a woman. It will actually be the actor who played Ralph Malph. There’s a lot you don’t know about that guy, Potsy. A lot. But that’s OK. In 2020, YOU will be the First Gentleman of the US, and by then, you will understand.


That’s all we have time for this week. Tune in next Friday for what will probably be the final advice column, unless we get more questions, of course. You can post them in the comments below, if you so desire. Next time, we’ll find out the true nature of alcohol and the brain cells it supposedly kills and what happens when you try to strangle an infant relative.