FUTURE BOOZE JESUS 4

They beat me. They whipped me. They put a crown of thorns on my head, and they crucified me. Shit, you saw THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST. You know what they did to me. But they failed to kill me. Why? Because I’m a drunkard, and I have too much alcohol in my blood to allow mere mortals to kill me. And so I am here to answer your questions. So let’s get to it. I’m a messiah, and I don’t have a lot of time to fuck around.

Rico asks: “FBJ, what will next week’s winning Lotto numbers be? And when I win, what should I buy you as a thank you?”

Future Booze Jesus says: Everyone except Rico: LOOK AWAY RIGHT NOW. This knowledge is too dangerous for the likes of you. Okay, Rico, wait a minute . . . we’re almost there. Right! We’re one on one. The winning numbers are: 5, 10, 15, 27, 34, 48, and the bonus number is 12. You may buy me Wild Turkey 101, and make it a handle bottle. Nothing else will satisfy me. On your way.

Is he gone? Good. Everyone else can come back now. I lied to Rico. He’s a slimy degenerate, and I can’t stand the thought of him having a lot of money. For the good of the world, I had to deceive him. Do not play the numbers above, unless you want to waste a dollar. NEXT QUESTION!

Big Sal asks: “What happened to my puppy after she was kidnapped by terrorists? Do they know what kind of food she likes?”

Future Booze Jesus says: I’m sorry, but they weren’t very concerned with food for your puppy. They were too busy raping every orifice she had, and then they made new ones to rape. By the time they were done with your puppy, not even Charlie Manson wanted anything to do with it. But because of your sacrifice, Egypt will be safe. NEXT QUESTION!

Dr. Samuel Furnterb asks: “Future Booze Jesus! Why doth we live, sir?! Why?!”

Future Booze Jesus says: This is a pointless question. We live, obviously, because we want to fuck your mother. All generations of human beings, past, present, and future, exist to fuck the shit out of the vagina from whence you came. Do you have any idea how flexible she is? I’ve never seen a woman eat herself out before, and she’s one of the only people I know who can accommodate the D-Dolla’ Holla’. You should give her a shot. Maybe then you wouldn’t need to voice this silly quandary. NEEEXT QUUUEEESSSSSSSSTTTTTIOOOONNNNNNNNN!

Ben Hernandez asks: “I have made love to an unclean woman. I now have a small tongue growing from my anus. Can you help me fix this?”

Future Booze Jesus says: First of all, whatever you do, DO NOT EAT ANYTHING WITH YOUR ASSHOLE. I can’t stress this enough. If you encourage this new growth, the tongue in your mouth will become obsolete. Do you see yourself gobbling a cheeseburger down through the ol’ balloon knot? I didn’t think so.

The next step is more difficult. Grab the secondary tongue and pull it out as far as possible. Sever it as close to the base as you can. If done correctly, the root will retreat and after time become ineffective. It will rot and fall out with the rest of your feces. If you fail, though, it will grow back. Then you will have to core out your asshole, which is very unpleasant, and you will probably not survive the procedure.

The final step is to STOP FUCKING WOMEN WITHOUT CHECKING THEIR ANUSES! You must do this carefully. Vigilance is the only thing standing between you and sexually transmitted body parts.

That’s all the time we have for this week. Don’t forget to post your questions in the comments below so we can keep this advice column going for as long as we can. Until next time: watch where you put your dick, and remember to fuck Dr. Furnterb’s mother. It’s the best pussy Dad ever made.