THE DUI DIARY: Chapter Sixteen

I’m surprised I made it through court today. The pain in my tooth has returned, and it has been hammering away at my head for hours. I will probably need another root canal, and who knows? If this tooth is fucked, too, I might lose that one, as well. If so, they can take the wisdom tooth, too. No implants. Fuck it. I’m getting tired of the bullshit.



But that’s neither here nor there. Today’s court date was not very interesting. No weird characters to tell you about. Nothing strange going on. The only aberration I noticed was that a defendant had signed a document that he had not read, so the judge had to read it for him to confirm that the guy understood what was about to happen to him.


Everyone showed up today. Even my lawyer was there early. All ducks were lined up, ready to be knocked down. As soon as Don showed up, he started talking with other lawyers, and it seems like he just won a case before the Supreme Court. I didn’t hear if it was the Illinois Supreme Court or the U.S. Supreme Court, and I couldn’t hear the details of the case, aside from the fact that it was DUI related. This cheered me up; maybe he still had some of the magic on him. Maybe it would help him with my case. (One way or the other, it’s cool. Both are pretty high praise.)


We waited for a while, and during a recess, the state attorney went into the judge’s chambers with my lawyer, and they spent quite some time back there. I grinned, wondering what kind of back-door dealing might be going on back there. Were they bargaining for my freedom? I remember thinking that this was waaaaay better than anything that happened in MY COUSIN VINNY.


They were in there so long that I had to go to the bathroom. I crossed my legs, hoping to be able to hold it until my case was over, but it quickly became clear that this wasn’t going to happen. Yet, if I went and they came back from the judge’s quarters, I knew I would be the first one to be called. What if I didn’t make it back in time?


Fuck it. I went. I zipped through it as quickly as I could, and much to my relief, recess was still on when I got back.


As it turned out, I was not next to be called. The judge went through a few jumpsuit cases (the guys in the orange jumpsuits from county lockup) before coming to me. I noticed that he was in a jovial mood. I knew he’d just come back from vacation, and maybe during that time he got laid, because he was joking around and giving NO ONE a hard time, not even the guy who signed the paper he had only skimmed. At one point, he even laughed and said, “This looks like one of those DUI courtrooms.” Even I found this to be kind of funny. The only non-DUI case I heard that day was the battery guy, and he’d been drunk at the time. (He was ordered to abstain from booze for one entire year. I hope that’s not on the table for me.)


While the judge was hearing another case, Don came back to whisper to me for a few minutes. He wanted to know if I had received the appeal brief, to which I said yes. He also asked if I liked it, to which I said HELL FUCKING YES. It was very well written, and I was confident that it would work.


He then explained that he had gone back to speak with the judge to convince him to hold off on the trial until the appeal went through. At first the judge said no, but when Don mentioned that it would save time, the judge heard him out. One way or the other, the appeal would establish certain things, things that would make it unnecessary for the police officers to show up in court again, and it would also save the judge time from listening to arguments from the hearing. This appealed to the judge, so he agreed to let this happen.


This is good because if the appeal works out in my favor, then it will make the trial a breeze. If it does not, nothing changes. Not bad, huh?


My case was called, and we all went up to the bench. For the record, Don had to describe what he and the judge had talked about behind the scenes, and then they were able to discuss things further. The cops, of which there were THREE (holy shit, right?), seemed to see the wisdom in this, considering how they probably think courtroom duty is the worst of the things they have to do every day. The judge suggested May 7th at 8:30 in the morning for our next date. By then, it is possible that the appeal will not have gone through, but it was a good, arbitrary time for us all to meet again, to reevaluate everything at that point.


I was then told to wait outside. My grandfather and I retreated to the hallway and waited for Don to finish the other case he had in there. As we waited, Earl and Steve wandered by. We greeted each other, and Earl asked if we were going ahead with the case today. I explained what had happened, and he seemed surprised.


“Really?” As soon as I confirmed this, he pointed at me and said, “I love that!” I got the impression that he didn’t believe that the judge would wait for the appeal. He then added that he’d overheard the state’s attorney speaking with the officers. The former had asked the latter how long they usually stop drivers for roadblock safety checks, and the cops said they couldn’t hold us longer than a couple of minutes. Earl then interjected, “Not in the Bruni case!” I have high hopes.


Since Don’s other case was taking so long, I paid Earl. He made note and said he would send my receipt in the mail. In the meantime, he would see me in court in May. He made mention of my tie clip, which was surprising. No one ever cares about the tie clip. I received it as part of my inheritance from Grandpa Lon, who sent me matching cuff links, as well. When I was a kid, I thought it was all useless, but as I grow older, I realized what a treasure trove he’d left me.


Then, when Don came out of the courtroom, he commented on my grandfather’s fedora, and I wondered if maybe this was a company policy. Whatever. I didn’t care. I thought it was cool. Don said that he also wore a hat on a regular basis, and his younger associates didn’t understand. Earl said that he had a hat, he just grew it on his head (to which I would have agreed, despite my appreciation for fedoras). We said our goodbyes, and agreed to meet back in court on May 7th.


I wait with bated breath. By the way, it feels really fucking good to be totally paid up with my lawyers. If only I could find myself in that position with my dentists.


TO BE CONTINUED ON MONDAY!