THE CENTURY'S BEST HORROR FICTION #84: A review of "The Pilgrimage of Clifford M." by Bob Leman

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So . . . we meet vampires again, but this time, Pelan has made a choice inspired by pure genius. Usually, when you think of the undead, you either think about villainous monsters or tragic, romantic heroes. Leman gives you neither one here. Think about this: what do vampires fear?



Right off the bat, Leman scores some points with the style of his story. It’s written from the perspective of someone who wasn’t there to experience the events of this tale firsthand. No, it’s written in an almost detached, scientific kind of way, almost like a medical paper. He starts off by describing what vampires are like in such a way that makes a reader assume that in this world, vampires exist and people are generally aware of this. (It’s also worth noting that people are aware of fictional vampires, as well, namely Dracula.) Human beings cannot be turned into vampires. Vampires are a completely different species from us. For example, female vampires have 10 tits and give birth to litters of pups, usually numbering at ten (if there are more, whoever loses the race to the tit forfeits their lives). Males have oddly shaped dicks. Baby vampires look nothing like the adults and probably share more in common with werewolves, as they are covered with course hair. Many myths hold true, such as sunlight and stakes, but they’re not immortal; like the Tick, they are nigh-invulnerable.


The title character, Clifford M., is one such creature. He is born with his litter, but a wandering redneck kills all of his siblings. Through a curious set of circumstances, the redneck keeps Clifford M. in a cage and raises him to childhood. However, Clifford M.’s nature gets the better of him, and he kills the redneck and escapes. For a long period of time, he lives as a wild child in the backwoods until a preacher finds him and raises him up to young adulthood. Even then, the vampire inside of him dictates his behavior; he kills the reverend’s wife, steals a bunch of money, and makes his own way in the world.


Leman depicts a feral vampire, almost like something you might see in FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, but he shows the poor creature being reared in human society. Stuck in the twilight zone between two species, Clifford M. really doesn’t know what to do with himself. He strives to be human in behavior, but he knows what he is at heart. Ultimately, he wants a female vampire. One day, he gets his wish.


As he’s going about his business, a trio of small town people notice there is an epidemic of blood loss going on with their fellow neighbors. They also notice odd bite marks on them. It takes some getting used to, but after a couple of jokes, they realize they’re up against vampires. It is here that Clifford M. joins their crusade, not because he wants to stop a threat, but because he wants to meet some of his own kind. Soon after he finally tracks down the three vampires causing this mess, he comes to a very unfortunate conclusion.


SPOILER ALERT: He’s shocked to discover that his fellow vampires speak their own language (30 DAYS OF NIGHT, anyone?). Luckily, they also speak English, although he’s very disappointed when he discovers that, well, they’re white trash. They stink, they speak poorly, they’re coarse, and their clothes are rotting away. All they need is a trailer, and they’re in business. Even worse, he starts to suspect that they might even be his parents. They talk about when they’d given birth to a litter in the backwoods, only to find them all beaten to death. They think one of their kids might have gotten away.


Things get even worse, still. He tries to get information out of them, but they seem to remember very little. They’re so old they don’t even remember their names. Suddenly, he starts to get The Fear: one day, he’ll be just like them. One day, his body will outlive his mind, and that’s the price of living for so long.


He thinks in terms of humanity, and even though he recognizes that he might be a snob, he really wants to be human. He can’t imagine degenerating to this horrible level. As a result, he sends a note to the vampire hunters, letting them know where to find his parents and their friend. Sure enough, his friends arrive and stake them all. However, they’re surprised to see Clifford M. among the undead.


You see, rather than become the disgusting creatures he sees before him, he decides to commit suicide by letting the vampire hunters in on his secret. Even though they are shocked, they decide to end his unlife, too, especially after the ugliness of killing the other vampires. END OF SPOILERS.


When you read vampire stories, there is always a villain, whether it be the evil vampires themselves or the ignorant/misguided vampire hunters. There is no villain here. There is a group of repulsive vampires, there is a group of scared vampire hunters, and between them is a poor bastard who can’t identify with either side. Really, Clifford M. is an everyman. Stuck with his nature, striving for better things. Leman really knocks it out of the park on this one. Even though it was written in 1984, it is still fresh and new by today’s standards. Don’t miss it.


[This story first appeared in THE MAGAZINE OF FANTASY AND SCIENCE FICTION and cannot be read online at this time.]