[I know a while ago, I said I was thinking about serializing a novella here. Welp, that day has come. It's really hard to market stories of this length, so I thought I'd throw it out there. When you think of people on a starship out in the middle of nowhere, you don't think of regular guys. For example, on STAR TREK, every character was so consumed with their jobs that they didn't really have time to just hang out and break balls. FIREFLY did that to some extent, but those guys were criminals living on the fringe, not ordinary people. What I wanted was to pretty much take the guys I worked with at the public works garage in my hometown and put them in space. It's also kind of a fuck-off piece, but I hope it's fun enough for you to overlook that. Let me know what you think in the comments below. Enjoy!]
1
“So, I went into Consumer Discount Mart, and—-“
“Whoa.” Lt. Everson held his meaty hands up. “You mean to tell me you shop at that cesspool of humanity?”
Dirk ran a hand through his greasy hair. “Well—-“
“What? Did they have a two-for-one deal on blow-up dolls or something?”
“Hey, I get pussy.”
Everson grunted. “Even a blind pig finds an acorn every once in a while.”
“Can I finish this story?”
“Only if the punch line is that you got a dry handjob from a midget in the pet supplies department. I can never get enough of those stories.”
Dirk blinked. “As it turns out, there was a midget involved. But it was a guy—-“
“Oh. It’s like that.”
“No. I asked this guy where I could find a—-“
“Bottom line me here, Dirk. Where are we headed?”
“Fine. I got in a fist fight with a midget over a discount pack of toilet paper. Before security separated us, we’d knocked over a fat chick in a wheelchair. Happy?”
“Huh.” Everson nodded, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “Now I’m interested. Start at the beginning.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“You know the twist ending now. There’s no suspense. Nothing to build up to.”
Finally, Captain Philbin Drake stepped between his two men, pointing a finger at each. “As much as I’d love to hear this compelling, intriguing story of innocence lost and the true power of femininity, I’d like to remind you that we have a job to do. We have cargo that needs to be delivered no later than three months from now. We’re behind schedule, and we’ll never make it unless you, Dirk, get your delicate, Consumer-Discount-Mart-shopping ass below deck and finish fixing Engine Six. All right?”
Dirk saluted. “Yes, sir.”
“Lieutenant, get to your station. Get ready to bring us back on course.”
“You bet, sir.”
While Everson sat in the driver’s seat and Dirk scampered away, Drake took the captain’s chair and sighed, staring out the front window into the deepest depths of barely-charted space. Two months into a six-month mission, maybe more since the engines were crapping out. Why had he ever agreed to this?
Perhaps it was the multi-million credit offer. Considering his recent expenses, there really was no other choice.
“Thanks a lot, Cap,” Everson said. “Dirk was getting ready to tell a story that would have undoubtedly earned him a Pulitzer back home.”
“Dirk’s a moron,” Drake said.
“But he’s our moron. And I think he might have struck a gold mine on this one. Midgets, sir.”
“His mother must be proud.”
“Hell, I’m proud.”
“Not proud enough to do your job, I hope?”
Everson rolled his eyes. “Aye-aye, Captain.”
Drake didn’t know what these scientific supplies were for; all he knew was how much they weighed and how quickly they were needed. The Raleigh Project was located on Quarf 5, a planet next to a red dwarf in the Raven system. Their mission was so top secret that not even Commander Reiyo knew about it, but whatever it was, it had to be impressive, considering their isolation. The Raven system was uninhabitable, especially the Quarf planets.
More than once, Drake had been tempted to open up the crates, just to satisfy his curiosity, but even in his drunken fits, he was a good boy, a company man.
The comm crackled, and Dirk’s voice came through. “I think we’re ready to try out the engine. I rerouted some of the power, so we might lose some room temperature, but that’s it.”
“Copy, Engine Six,” Everson said. “You’re a go.”
“Roger. Starting Engine Six in three, two, one, now.”
A loud click echoed through the ship, and something fired up beneath their feet, making the floor vibrate. Then, over the comm, Dirk cursed. The air hissed, and the reverberation ceased. All lights winked out, and the constant whoosh of the environment cycles came to a grinding stop.
“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Everson said.
“Do we have contact with Engine Six?” Drake asked.
“No. And get a load of this: none of the engines are working now. The lines are flatter than hammered shit.”
The emergency back-up kicked in, and the lights came back on. Everson’s sweaty, hirsute face loomed over the controls. His jowls quivered as he flipped switches and pushed buttons. “Dirk, do you copy? Goddammit, can you hear me?”
“Yeah, I copy.” Dirk’s voice sounded terse, an angry parent trying to figure out how to scold his child.
“What the fuck did you do? None of the engines are working.”
“Well, I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I’m backtracking over my work, trying to figure out how to fix it.”
“How long do you think that’ll take?” Drake asked.
“I don’t know. A couple of days?”
Drake rubbed his temples. “Jesus Christ.”
“The back-up only has power for a week,” Everson said.
“Holy hell, LT. I know that. I’ve only been working this fuckin’ ship for ten years. Don’t worry, it won’t take that long.”
“You’d better not be wrong. I don’t want to start cranking out oxygen with a manual pump.”
“Yeah, well, your snippy tone isn’t helping me out much, so . . . .”
“Snippy?! You--!”
“Fuck this shit,” Drake said. “I need a drink. You two work this bullshit out. I’ll be in my quarters.”
Everson watched the captain stand and make his weary way to the door. He considered what he was about to say, the wrath he would probably cause, and decided to hell with it. “Hey, Cap. We’ve known each other for what? Fifteen, sixteen years?”
Drake turned, brushing his hair back from his eyes. “Yeah. So?”
“I don’t think I’m out of line when I say that you’d be far less high-strung if you didn’t nail everything with a pussy.”
“What? I don’t fuck every woman I see.”
“There are three women onboard this ship,” Everson said. “How many have you slept with?”
Drake pursed his lips. “I haven’t slept with Janna.”
“Yeah, but she’s ugly.”
“You don’t have a lot of room to talk. I’ve seen a baboon’s asshole that looked prettier than you.”
“Hey, Janna’s a great kid. Smart as hell. Sweet. Great sense of humor. But she’s ugly. When she masturbates, her hand is probably embarrassed to be with her. Pamela and Winter, on the other hand, are model material. Maybe not Paris, but definitely New York.”
“Are you suggesting that I only sleep with women who are good lookers?”
Everson didn’t bother to answer.
“Okay, stupid question. Look, this is deep space. Our maps aren’t even accurate. We’re far away from our loved ones. Is it any surprise that I’m lonely and looking for comfort?”
“If by comfort you mean meaningless sex with hot chicks, then no, it’s not a surprise. But look at what it’s doing to you. Back in Manhattan, it’s not even ten in the morning, and you’re ready to start drinking.”
“Out here, time means shit.”
“So? It still passes.”
“And I’m passing it in my quarters. Let me know if anything happens.” He stepped through the door, and it hissed shut.
Everson sighed. “Aye-aye, Cap.”
2
“Drake’s a dickhead. If he wasn’t such an awesome captain, I’d never ship out with him. Ever.”
Ben lightly touched the bar. He didn’t want to interfere with Rico’s weight-lifting, but he also didn’t want his friend to lose control and crush his larynx.
“I mean,” Rico continued, “what kind of prick—-and married with kids, no less—-fucks two out of three women on a six-month trip?”
“You’re just jealous of the competition,” Ben said.
“Damn straight, I am. I’m not taking Drake’s sloppy seconds.”
“You care too much. Me? I don’t give a shit. I can be the rebound guy. I’m already working on Pamela. Not much is happening, but I’ve got to try something. I haven’t gotten laid in two months. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going another month.”
“Good luck,” Rico said. “With me, it’s first place or nothing.”
Ben grinned. “There’s always Janna. I’ve seen the way she looks at you.”
“Fuck that. I have standards. Ever hear of ‘em?”
“Careful. After another month of jerking off, you might change your mind. Besides, I hear that ugly chicks are better in bed. They have to work harder.”
Rico gave a final push, then racked the bar. “No thanks. I’ll wait till we get to Quarf 5. There’s bound to be a hottie scientist, and as soon as she sees this—-“ He flexed his considerable chest muscles. “—-she’ll be all over me.”
“Unless Drake gets there first.”
“Shut the fuck up.” Rico grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat from his face. “Hey, FNG. You’re new. What do you think of our glorious captain?”
Jason stopped doing curls. “He seems all right to me.”
“That’s it? He’s all right?”
“Well, he’s treated me fine. And I’m not really here to get laid. I’m here to work.”
“What are you, a fag?” Rico and Ben laughed, bumping fists.
“No. I like pussy as much as the next guy. I just want to get my certification so I can command a ship of my own someday.”
“You’re going to go far, FNG,” Ben said.
“Shit goes pretty far after you flush it, right?” Rico asked.
“I wish you’d stop calling me FNG.”
“You’re the fucking new guy,” Rico said. “Until we hire someone else, you’re FNG. Deal with it.”
And then, the lights went out. The sudden disorientation threw Jason off balance, and the weights clanked to the floor.
“Son of a bitch,” Rico muttered.
“Where’s the emergency lights?” Jason asked.
“They’d better come on. I need a shower, and the water doesn’t work unless—-“
“Boo-hoo,” Ben said. “I gotta’ take a shit, and I can’t imagine doing that in the dark.”
The power came back on, and all three men stared at each other, embarrassed by their words except for Jason. He grinned. “You guys are pussies.”
“Hey, you’re FNG,” Rico said. “You’re not allowed to bust balls yet.”
Ben grimaced and touched his belly. “I think I’m prairie-dogging. I’ll be in the john.”
3
Pamela missed cigarettes. Back home, they were too expensive, but she considered them a worthy vice. They were illegal on all ships for safety purposes, so she had no choice but to suck on a nic-stick. At least they had a giant stock of those; without them, she would have lost her shit a month, three weeks, and six days ago.
She stuck one in her mouth and slurped, thinking about the way Drake had leered at her whenever she did this. Of course, such a leer used to lead to mind-blowing sex, but then she found out about . . . .
No. She refused to think about her. It would only lead to more nic-sticks. At this rate, she’d be out of the things in a month.
Instead, Pamela thought about getting revenge. Drake could be pretty possessive, like most alpha males, so she figured it would be best to sleep with one of his men. Rico was the obvious choice—-and from the stories she’d heard about the guy, she was sure he could show her a good time—-but Ben seemed nicer. Everson was out of the question, and she doubted Dirk would know what to do with her. She was fairly certain that FNG—-no, his name was Jason—-was gay. It had to be Rico or Ben.
Or both, a particularly wicked part of her brain said.
She turned the corner, thinking about going to the gym, when she came face to face with Winter. Both women jerked back in surprise, but neither would tolerate looking startled in front of the other.
Winter recovered first. “Sorry, darling. I was lost in thought.” Unspoken, but clear in her dancing eyes, was the rest of her statement: “I was lost in thought . . . about Drake and the wonderful, crazy sex we’re going to have later tonight.”
“If you’re capable of any cerebral activity,” Pamela said, “I’ll eat myself out.”
“Ooh. Is that a promise?” Winter offered a lopsided grin, and it was easy to see why Drake had wanted her.
“You’re a whore, you know that?”
“I’m a slut, baby. I do it for free. Besides, you’re no different. Last I checked, Drake’s a married man. He’s got a family back home.”
Pamela snarled. “You don’t know anything about me. About what he and I did.”
“I’ll clue you in, sister,” Winter said. “He talks, and he was bored with you. Him and I, we get . . . creative.”
Pamela’s fists clenched. She never considered herself a violent person. In fact, she’d never been in a physical fight in her entire life. But Winter kept pushing her, and she couldn’t wait to claw her adversary’s eyes out.
“Oops,” Winter said. She playfully chewed on a fingernail. “I guess I struck a nerve.”
“You disgust me. I can’t believe Drake would ever stick his dick in a trash compactor like you, but I guess I was wrong.”
Winter’s eyes narrowed. “I guess he got tired of fucking a bag of grease like you.”
Pamela roared and lunged for Winter just as the lights went out. Winter managed to block the first blow before they went blind, and now they both flailed at each other. Pamela got lucky and found her enemy’s throat with her hands, but Winter pulled at her hair, breaking the hold.
A beam of light cut through the blackness, and Janna’s high-pitched voice said, “Ladies! Break it up!”
The fighters blinked, trying to squint through the sudden light. Both disengaged, but neither tried to help the other to stand.
“I know you guys hate each other,” Janna said, “but we’re stuck on this ship for one more month. That doesn’t even count the trip home. I suggest you two learn to deal, okay?”
Winter straightened her hair. “That’s easy for you to say, Janna. No one wants to fuck you.”
At first, Janna feels the urge to correct the pronunciation of her name—-Yanna—-but she knew Winter had done it on purpose. The, the lights came back on, and Janna flicked off her flashlight. “Sticks and stones, Winter. Sticks and stones.”
Winter rolled her eyes and stomped away. Pamela watched her leave before she said, “Sorry, Janna. That was uncalled for.”
“It’s okay. Nothing she could ever say can hurt me. I don’t believe in taking stuck-up bitches seriously.”
5
The door whooshed shut behind Drake, and he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from his private stock. He considered using a glass, but he’d rather have the swiftness of drinking from the bottle.
It was too bright in his quarters, but he still wanted to see a little, so he said, “Dim lights.” The ship complied.
He slumped down in his chair and took a deep slug from the bottle. As always, the first drink ignited his belly and the back of his throat, and he wanted to wash it down with something else. Then came the second gulp, and his head filled with comforting cotton.
He sighed and pulled his digital picture book from the shelf above his desk. He scrolled through a few pics before he found the one he wanted: his family back home. Rachael and Tommy grinned out of a Kodak moment. He loved them more than anything and hated that he had to be here instead of with them. He had visitation rights, after all. Twice a month on weekends.
Except he couldn’t afford to live the way he did. Child support continually drained at his credit accounts. He knew this was because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. Betty had found out because he’d scorned one of his lovers, and the bitch had tattled on him.
Unfair. He couldn’t call Chrissy a bitch. He owned this problem, no one else.
Everson had a good point. Why did he cheat so much? Was it just the sex? Monogamy got old quick. He never really had any true connection with these women. Well, maybe Pamela. She had a great sense of responsibility, but she also knew how to turn a guy on. Could that be it? Was he just too easily seduced?
Drake took another drink and thought about Winter. Sexy, dirty Winter. She’d do anything he’d wanted. Anything. He wasn’t one for the kinky stuff, but just knowing the possibilities made him sweat. Pamela just kept to two positions: missionary and cowgirl. Winter had a much bigger imagination.
He looked at the picture of his kids and felt disgusted with himself for his growing hard-on. Hiding the digital picture book, he had another slug from the bottle and thought about giving Winter a visit. After the engine failure today, he knew he needed some kind of carnal distraction.
The comm went off, and Everson said, “Hey, Cap. I hope you’re not three sheets yet. We got a problem.”
“What is it?”
“I . . . well . . . you’d better just come up here and see for yourself.”
Drake had never known Everson to be at a loss for words, so this had to be important. He put the bottle away. “I’m coming.”
He stopped long enough to pop a mint into his mouth before charging the door head-on. “Open,” he said, and it did. His pace did not alter until he nearly bowled over Pamela. She stood outside his quarters, her finger hovering over the comm.
“Jesus!” he said. “You scared the shit out of me.”
She thought about her recent near miss with Winter. “Maybe I should wear louder shoes.”
“Well, I’m kind of in a hurry. What’s up?”
“That’s it? Just . . . ‘what’s up?’”
He pointed to his bars. “See that? Remember that I’m the captain of this ship? I have duties to attend to.” He started pushing past her.
She blocked his way. “Isn’t that convenient? I thought we’d have a little chat about your . . . your concubine.”
“Yeah. About that. We’ll have to talk later. Something important is going on right now.”
“Bullshit. You’re just too scared to talk.”
“What? Scared?” He blew out air, as if the idea was ridiculous.
“I’m sorry, I forgot. You’re Philbin Drake, fearless captain and trailblazer. Then, you’re ‘uncomfortable.’”
“No, I’m in a hurry. If you don’t believe me, feel free to follow.”
She stepped aside, and when he passed by, she went after him. He could have his way, but she’d be damned if the walk to the bridge would be quiet. “Have you been drinking?”
“Why? You smell something?”
“Yes.”
“See? You answered your own question. You could have saved yourself four words. Who knows? You might need them someday.”
“Fuck you, Drake. I’m not the one drinking on the job.”
“What? Are you gonna’ tell Mommy? We’re in deep space. The rules are different out here.”
Pamela grunted. “You’re impossible.”
“I thought that’s why you liked me.”
They walked in silence for a moment. Their boots clomped on the titanium floor, and the pumps labored to grind out oxygen on back-up power. Finally, Pamela said, “What did we have? And don’t say sex. It couldn’t be just that.”
They approached the door to the bridge, and Drake struggled to think of something to say. He wanted to be profound and maybe a bit mysterious, but inspiration refused to rise. “Later, Pammie. It’s time for business.”
6
Everson stared out the window, watching as the . . . thing came closer. He had no idea what it was, had never seen or heard anything like it before. A vague explanation floated near the back of his mind, but he didn’t want to consider the possibility.
Behind him, the door swished open, and Drake stepped in, followed by Pamela. Both stopped as soon as they saw the thing out the window.
“What the hell is it?” Pamela asked.
Drake approached the window, which was really a hi-def screen fed by a digital camera on the forward hull. He squinted. “Can we enhance this?”
“Yeah, but it does no good,” Everson said. “It’s the same blurry image, only bigger.”
Drake touched the image, and the plasma haloed. “It looks like—-“
“A planet. I know. But it can’t be.”
Drake knew. Usually, planets were not transparent. Yet this thing looked like one, maybe the size of Mercury. A gray mist swirled about in the cosmos like dust, and it even appeared to be rotating. No environment could be seen, and there didn’t appear to be life here, but Drake couldn’t think of any alternatives.
“Is this supposed to be here?” he asked.
Everson shrugged. “It’s hard to say. We’re off course in a system that hasn’t been fully explored. I have a fairly good idea as to where we are, though, and there shouldn’t be anything here.”
“It looks like a ghost,” Pamela said.
Drake raised an eyebrow. “Was there ever a planet here?”
“Shit, Cap,” Everson said. “That can of worms is too fucked up for me to even think about. I’m not a metaphysical guy. I pilot ships, bust balls, and think about pussy. I’m good with one-liners, but this?” He waved a dismissive hand.
“Janna might know,” Pamela said. “She’s the scientist.”
Drake nodded. “Get her up here.”
“Cap, there’s something else you should know.”
“What’s that?”
“If we keep drifting like this, we’re going to smack right into this thing in forty minutes.”
Drake went to the comm. “Bridge to Engineering. Dirk, you there?”
“Yes, sir.”
“How’s the repair going?”
“Not good. I still haven’t found the problem.”
“Do you think you can get us one engine?”
“Not a chance. I’ll probably have to rewire this bitch. I could use some help.”
“I heard FNG’s got some training,” Everson said.
Drake nodded. “Dirk, I’m sending Jason down. He’s not certified, but he knows a few things.”
“Sure thing.”
Everson sighed, shaking his head. “We’re gonna’ hit that thing, and it’s not going to be good.”
Drake ordered Jason down to Engineering, and as soon as he turned the comm off, Janna entered. “Holy shit,” she said. “Trippy.”
“Did Pamela brief you?” Drake asked.
“Yes, sir. It’s actually kind of funny. There’ve been some rumors that a planet used to be on this orbit. You can kind of see a circle of rocks around the ghost planet. I’ll bet if I could get a magnetic reading, it would be off the charts.”
“So, you think it is a ghost,” Drake asked.
“I don’t know. I believe in science, not spooks. But in my humble opinion, a planet used to be here.”
“Everson, do you think our ship would be damaged by contact with the . . . uh . . . planet? Ghost planet?”
“Hard to say, Cap.”
“I could send a probe into it,” Janna said. “If I had some comp readings, I’d be able to tell you.”
“But we don’t have the energy to launch one,” Everson said. “We’re on back-up power right now. It’s too much of a risk.”
“It’s too much of a risk not to,” Janna said.
“How much power are we talking here?” Drake asked.
“Not much.”
“Ordinarily, that is,” Everson said. “Considering our situation with the engines, there’s no telling how much energy a probe would bleed off. It might take a couple of days off our back-up gennie.”
“That’s probably an exaggeration,” Janna said. “Give me a chance, Captain Drake. Please?”
Drake stared out the window. “I don’t like not knowing what this is. Besides, Dirk’s never failed us before.”
Everson blinked. “What are you talking about? Dirk fails us all the time. I’d call him a troglodyte, but that’s an insult to troglodytes.”
“He’s never failed us before when it was important. Janna, you have my blessing.”
“Awesome!” she said.
“Just make it quick. I don’t know how much time we have.”
[TO BE CONTINUED NEXT TUESDAY!]
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