I really hope that there's an afterlife. I can't stand the thought of suddenly not existing anymore. Sure, my meatbag will still be there, but only the worms and bugs are going to enjoy that. Or, if I am extremely unlucky, the wild beasts that find my body will enjoy me. Of if I'm killed by a serial killer, he or she might enjoy me a little too much in a way that I would probably find unacceptable. But I won't be here for that. If there's an afterlife, I get to go on a brand new adventure.
But I'm pretty sure that I cease to exist when my body dies. I'm not proud of that belief. I don't want it to be true. The very thought of not existing scares the shit out of me. I can't get my head around it. It reminds me of a thought that used to keep me up at night when I was a kid: what was here before the universe? Oh yeah? What was here before that? And what about before that? It scared me because I'm scared of not knowing important things.
On my commute into the city this morning it occurred to me again. I tried to wrap my mind around someday being in a state of not existing. I tried to think about what that would be like. To be here one second and then to be wiped from existence in the next. Much like my night thoughts when I was five, I could come up with no satisfying answer. No answer that put my mind to rest.
And then I realized something. Unless reincarnation is the correct answer, each and every single one of us walking the planet now knows exactly what it's like to not exist. Maybe it's somewhere locked in the part of our brains that scientists tell us we never use. We supposedly remember everything in some part of our brain. Maybe we remember what it was like to be a baby. We just can't access it.
Maybe we remember being born, but we just can't access it.
Maybe we remember floating in the diaphanous placenta of our mothers' wombs, but we just can't access it.
Maybe--somehow!--we remember the moment our father's sperm connected with our mother's egg, but we just can't access it.
We all know, deep down in some forgotten part of our brains, what it was like to not exist. We've done it for millions and billions of years. We just can't access it. But we'll learn all about it again soon. Hopefully not too soon. But eventually.
Let's have fun while we're here. Let's choose love over hate, because this is probably the only life we get. Why waste it with negativity?
Goodnight, fuckers and non-fuckers.