This is the very first thing of mine that was “published.”
There were maybe 25-30 copies in existence, and I’m guessing the extant copies
are a lot less than that now. This is the weird ‘Eighties action movie
sensibility that drove me back then. Except, when I got the chance, I never
actually included the action movie fight scene. This story makes absolutely no
sense whatsoever. How is this ordinary guy going to kick the ass of a villain
so powerful? Why did—never mind. Forget it. This is a ridiculously awful story.
There are six chapters before it, but I wrote none of that. I also drew this
childish (because, you know, I was a child) picture of a giant moon with a
suggested sneering face on it. On the left was a house. On the right was Rick
kneeling and crying upon seeing his brutally murdered wife Christy in a garbage
can.
This is the first of a series about curating my lesser knownwork. Oh yeah, and remember this? Whoops. I remembered it wrong. Montgomery is
actually the son of the protagonist, not the protagonist. Please forgive me not
just that, but also the fact that I was in junior high at the time. Everyone
sucked when they were in junior high.
LIFE OF SIN
By Melvin Yoga
Chapter 7
Mourning at Night
July 24
It was a bright summer day when I walked out to the mailbox
where I found a large stack of bills, Christy’s novel, my Muscle magazine, and
a package from my old friend, Zack.
As I threw my bills on the table to open the package from
Zack, a cold chill went down my spine.
The letter said:
Dear Rick,
I told my butler to mail this package to you when I died, so
I guess that I’m dead right now. I want you to read my obituary at my funeral.
I left it and a little bonus in this package.
Best wishes,
Zack
Christy was so happy that her novel was accepted and was
going to be printed. She called up some of her friends and said she was going
to have a party. Christy went for a walk. Three hours later the authorities
found her dead in a garbage can. She was stabbed to death.
That day I went to the alley where she was killed. I found a
note next to where she was. It said, “This is for all the things you said about
us in your book.” I didn’t know much about the novel. I just knew the title, Life in the Fast Lane. Christy said she
would show it to me when it was published. I guess it’s time I know what this
novel is all about. I’ll read the book tomorrow.
I almost freaked out when a lizard scattered between my
feet. I stepped on the tail, and it fell off. I decided to keep it. It might
bring me luck.
So Christy was dead, and I had a lizard’s tail. Lucky me. I
was determined to find the killer. I brought the threat letter to the police.
They said they were on the case. At the funeral, I saw a very suspicious guy. I
tailed him to a mansion. I went home and I read Christy’s novel. I came across
something. “Chang was filthy scum. Something that the cat dragged in.” The name
of the mansion that suspicious guy lived in was called The Palace. It all makes
sense now. The note said that Christy had said something bad about him. Scum
was bad. I went to the mansion and beat up the bad guy and brought him to the
police along with the novel. I busted him.
Suddenly, everything became dark. I had a heart attack!
July 27
I woke up in the hospital. My neighbors had seen me fall and
called 911. They saved my life. I was in a coma for three days. I would be in
the hospital for three more days.
July 30
I was released from the hospital. I got home. I heard the
phone ring. It was Mary. Montgomery
was a hero! He broke up a fight between three students. It was a brawl with
chalkboard erasers and pencils. He broke up the fight in after a wooden eraser
cut his arm. I couldn’t believe it.
August 7
I was still so happy for Montgomery. I ate out two shelves of the
refrigerator. I felt suddenly sick. Then I had a pain in my chest! Another
heart attack!
August 9
I woke up on the floor of my house. I ate too much. I was
surprisingly still alive.
August 15
I was watching the news. Bombers were sighted crossing the California border. They
were getting closer to Las Vegas.
Then, I heard planes overhead right no—
THE END
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