GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #315: THE ART OF CURSING

 I don't know why I was thinking about this today, but for some reason it popped up in my head.

I was in junior high, what everyone calls middle school now. Maybe 6th or 7th grade, I don't remember. I just know it wasn't 8th grade. Anyway, I was in PE, and we were playing softball. In case you don't know my likes and dislikes, I dislike sports a great deal. If you're into it, good for you. It's just not for me.

As we played sportsball, I fucked up. Because, well, I didn't care. So fuck it. I don't remember what I said specifically, but I have a fairly good suspicion that I said, "Ah shoot."

I was in left field for a fairly good reason. No one really expected me to do anything because they understood, at least that much, that I didn't care. But there was a fellow student in center field who gave me shit. I remember very much what his name was, but I'm not going to mention it here. I'm fairly certain that he wouldn't want me to mention it here. Unless he's dead. I don't think he is, but at my age, it's possible. But he might have an important job, and his crime against me was nothing more than a mere inconvenience. So fuck it.

He said, "Bruni! What the fuck, man? Why would you say that? Say shit for fuck's sake!" And then he proceeded to give me an extended tutorial, in person, on how to effectively curse.

I didn't need it. I only said the safe version because I didn't need yet another detention. But what the hell? This guy didn't know me. He just knew what other people said about me. I'm very fuckin' good at cursing. He didn't know that. But he assumed.

So I had no choice but to fuck with him back. "Shhhhhhh-uh-iiiiiiiit?" I said.

"Say it with feeling, Bruni!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt?"

"You're hopeless."

That was it. I just find it funny that this guy assumed that stupid shit about me. I was a quiet kid, but I knew my way around curse words. It is kind of an art, actually. If you curse, you need to mean it or someone is going to think you're an idiot. I curse with great gusto in person. For a great example on how cursing can be an art, I suggest looking up Dr. Dirty songs.

I wonder where that guy is now, now that I have books like POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS and DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN under my belt. I kind of don't want to know. I fear that he might think that he taught me how to curse, which is simply not true. I have very few skills. Writing is one. Cursing is another. I've been successfully cursing since I was seven. I'm proud of my abilities because I find myself in an odd situation. I can say just about anything I want to, and people won't hate me. They won't even confront me. They'll say, "That's just Bruni being Bruni."

Good thing I don't want to hurt anyone with my cursing. If I did, I would probably be president of the US right now.