GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #315: THE ART OF CURSING

 I don't know why I was thinking about this today, but for some reason it popped up in my head.

I was in junior high, what everyone calls middle school now. Maybe 6th or 7th grade, I don't remember. I just know it wasn't 8th grade. Anyway, I was in PE, and we were playing softball. In case you don't know my likes and dislikes, I dislike sports a great deal. If you're into it, good for you. It's just not for me.

As we played sportsball, I fucked up. Because, well, I didn't care. So fuck it. I don't remember what I said specifically, but I have a fairly good suspicion that I said, "Ah shoot."

I was in left field for a fairly good reason. No one really expected me to do anything because they understood, at least that much, that I didn't care. But there was a fellow student in center field who gave me shit. I remember very much what his name was, but I'm not going to mention it here. I'm fairly certain that he wouldn't want me to mention it here. Unless he's dead. I don't think he is, but at my age, it's possible. But he might have an important job, and his crime against me was nothing more than a mere inconvenience. So fuck it.

He said, "Bruni! What the fuck, man? Why would you say that? Say shit for fuck's sake!" And then he proceeded to give me an extended tutorial, in person, on how to effectively curse.

I didn't need it. I only said the safe version because I didn't need yet another detention. But what the hell? This guy didn't know me. He just knew what other people said about me. I'm very fuckin' good at cursing. He didn't know that. But he assumed.

So I had no choice but to fuck with him back. "Shhhhhhh-uh-iiiiiiiit?" I said.

"Say it with feeling, Bruni!"

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttt?"

"You're hopeless."

That was it. I just find it funny that this guy assumed that stupid shit about me. I was a quiet kid, but I knew my way around curse words. It is kind of an art, actually. If you curse, you need to mean it or someone is going to think you're an idiot. I curse with great gusto in person. For a great example on how cursing can be an art, I suggest looking up Dr. Dirty songs.

I wonder where that guy is now, now that I have books like POOR BASTARDS AND RICH FUCKS and DONG OF FRANKENSTEIN under my belt. I kind of don't want to know. I fear that he might think that he taught me how to curse, which is simply not true. I have very few skills. Writing is one. Cursing is another. I've been successfully cursing since I was seven. I'm proud of my abilities because I find myself in an odd situation. I can say just about anything I want to, and people won't hate me. They won't even confront me. They'll say, "That's just Bruni being Bruni."

Good thing I don't want to hurt anyone with my cursing. If I did, I would probably be president of the US right now.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #41: A CRUEL DEATH IN MY KITCHEN

I killed a fly today. That's not unusual, but the way it happened kind of was. I saw the fucker on my kitchen counter, and I slapped my hand down on it. The problem was, I didn't do it hard enough. I mortally wounded the poor fella. He rolled in on himself, and his one good wing fluttered so hard that he kept jumping around in his death throes. I don't think I've seen an insect in so much pain.


I felt really sorry for him. I know I would hate it if some giant bastard slapped me down hard enough to cripple me but not kill me. The only thing to do in the situation was finish him off as quickly as I could. Unfortunately, his dying body was too fast for me. I brought my hand down again a couple of times, but I still didn't get the job done. Finally, I used both hands and mercifully ended his life. If anything could be considered mercy by that point, it was this.


It really bothered me, the way I let him suffer. I don't like bugs, and I kill them if they're in the house or on me, but I do so quickly and with zero suffering for the victim. If I find them outside, I leave them alone because that's where they're supposed to be.


Yet it wasn't always this way. When I was a kid, I was a motherfucking savage. I still left bugs outside alone, but if I found them in my house, I considered them to be trespassing. Trespassers had to be punished. If they actually touched me in my own house, that was an instant death sentence.


How did I punish them? I had a bug zoo, but it was really a bug jail. I'd toss 'em in and wait for them to die. If they were particularly troublesome (ie. they refused to starve to death), I'd drown them in a mason jar.


That's some serial killer shit right there. But at the same time, I think it's very illustrative of how much I've changed since I was a kid. I'm telling you, 98% of you would have hated me between the ages of five and twenty. I was a cunt back then. (The other 2% are still somehow friends with me. Go figure.)


Sorry, fly-who-I-killed-tonight. I didn't mean it to end that way.

SAME RULES APPLY: My thoughts on FILTH

I’ve been a fan of Irvine Welsh’s work for a while. My favorite of his books was GLUE . . . until I found FILTH. This book didn’t just blow my mind, it raped it and left it full of its vile cum. To those of you who have read this book, you’ll know what I mean when I was disappointed to learn that it was going to be turned into a movie. It’s next to impossible to adapt the book. A good portion of it is narrated by the protagonist’s tapeworm, for fuck’s sake. I was even more disappointed when I learned that James McAvoy was going to be Bruce Robertson. I like McAvoy, but I didn’t think he could pull something like this off.

But you know . . . the idea of FILTH being a movie somewhere out there kind of appealed to me. The more I thought about it, the more I had to see it. I had to see if they could even come close to the book. Because the main character is an absolute cunt. Maybe “cunt” is too kind a word for him.

Not surprisingly, there was no big screen release in the US. It’s purely a Scottish movie. With a protagonist like Bruce? It would not have done well here. But I’m very thankful that Irvine Welsh took it to the big screen at the Music Box in Chicago on June 20, 2014. You bet your ass I was there.

AND I LOVED THE MOVIE.

I was completely wrong about McAvoy. He put in the performance of his life. No one else could have done it.

To those who don’t know, Bruce Robertson is a cop who has a hard-on for a promotion in his department. There are rivals for the position, and he does his absolute best to torpedo them. He sets them up for disaster after disaster, and he manipulates them against one another, all in his attempt to move up in his career.

And why does he want to be a cop? A “friend,” Bladesy, asks him this very question. He answers “police oppression.” “You wanted to stamp it out from the inside?” his friend asks. “No, I wanted to be a part of it.”

Oh yes, and Bruce is making harassing phone calls to Bladesy’s wife, just so he can pretend to investigate it, all in the name of successfully having phone sex with her by tricking her into playing along with the perpetrator.

There is no level of depravity Bruce won’t fall to. He’s also fucking the wife of one of his rivals on the force, and he pretends to be the shoulder to cry on when the guy says he thinks the ol’ bird is cheating on him. Not to mention the underage girl he finds with an older boy. She’s the daughter of an important man, and he promises not to tell her father . . . if she sucks his dick.

Bruce fills his body with booze and drugs, and he exercises his every sexual whim, including masturbating at work. He hates everyone and sabotages them all. Look up “misanthrope” in the dictionary, and you’ll find a picture of him.

Except . . . he’s not all that bad. If he were, FILTH would be unwatchable. No one wants to watch some asshole shit all over everyone for an hour and a half. Like any fascinating, complex characters, he has reasons for being the way he is. In one pivotal scene, he tells a rival that he was once a good man. She tells him she’d heard that. And then, of course, he has to completely alienate her to drive away any moment of slight kindness.

There is the incident involving his brother in his youth. And then there is his family. Oh, his poor family. Those who read the book know what I’m getting at.

McAvoy understands the character down to his core. He becomes Bruce Robertson, not just the lunatic bastard, but also the broken man, the man who believes he is such utter filth that he needs to make sure the rest of the world understands this and never gives him a break. It’s very easy to think of the end of Robert Browning’s poem, “Childe Roland to the Dark Tower Came” when thinking of Bruce: “the last of me, a living frame/for one more picture!”

FILTH is a funny movie. Incredibly funny, even in moments where some people would be shocked. For example, earlier in the movie, a kid with a balloon gives Bruce the finger for no reason. So Bruce takes the balloon from the kid’s hand and lets it float away in the wind. Then, to cement the incident, he gives the kid the finger with both hands. No one would ever condone such behavior, but it’s fucking funny.

Another example: Bruce sets up a dick measuring contest at the workplace holiday party. All the guys go to the copier, scan it, and put it up on the board. The ladies then have to match the dick to the dude. When it’s Bruce’s turn, he hits the ENLARGE button over and over again, just so he can trick the office slut into letting him fuck her, which she does. She begs for his monster cock, and when he puts it in, there is a massively disappointed look on her face. Again, it’s a horrifying scene . . . yet incredibly funny.

But FILTH is also an incredibly sad movie. Bruce is deeply damaged, and he can’t help but take it out on the world. Bladesy, who confesses to Bruce that Bruce is his best friend, gets it the worst. They go on vacation together, and Bruce torments him the whole time. He drugs his drinks and sets him loose on the town, but when Bladesy’s trip turns bad, Bruce abandons him to save his own trip from going bad. In another scene, Bladesy gives him a Christmas gift of top-shelf Scotch. Bruce pretends that he’s going to share it; he pours himself a glass, and then in Bladesy’s glass, he pours some of the cheap shit he keeps around. In yet another scene, unprovoked, Bruce steals Bladesy’s glasses and breaks them before throwing them into the river.

It’s hard to empathize with Bruce. But somehow this movie pulls it off. By the end, you will feel very bad for Bruce. While he is indeed a misanthrope, he is also a walking tragedy. He is an unbalanced man, and he knows it. And he knows he can never be cured.

Those who have read the book will probably wonder how well director and co-screenwriter (with Welsh) Jon S. Baird handled certain integral parts of the book. In regards to the twist: Baird did wonderfully. He came up with an interesting cinematic way of taking care of it.

The tapeworm? Honestly, I liked the tapeworm in the book better. Baird went in another direction, but I respect what he did. I wouldn’t have been satisfied with anything anyone tried, but this was the best anyone could have done. The movie is sometimes interrupted by scenes with Bruce visiting a mad psychiatrist played by Jim Broadbent. There are paintings of tapeworms on his office walls, in case you didn’t figure out that he was supposed to represent the tapeworm. Broadbent goes over the top with his performance. One look in his eyes, and you’ll be convinced you’re in the presence of a psychotic.

The ending? It’s basically the same. The last line of the film makes it slightly different, but I don’t have a problem with it.

I can’t recommend this movie enough. I think it’s edged its way into my top ten favorites. When it comes out on DVD, I’ll be among the first to buy it. For those who can’t wait, you can rent it on Amazon for $6.99. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t advise anyone to pay that much for something you’re not going to own, but in this case, I would say it’s worth the money.

If you’re really lucky, though, the Music Box will have another screening. Don’t count on it, though.

DYNAMITE PANEL AT C2E2

It was horrible! There were only three panels I was interested in going to this year at C2E2, and they were all happening at the same fucking time! Avatar, Vertigo, and Dynamite were all taking place at around the same time (Avatar 1-2, Vertigo and Dynamite 1:30-2:30). Sophie didn’t have this difficult a choice.



In the end, I decided that Avatar deserved my attention most (as they put out the best books). When this panel was done, I’d see if I could make it into Dynamite (since I covered Vertigo last year). As it turns out, Avatar ended early, and I made it to Dynamite just after they made the introductions. So I didn’t know who was who . . . EXCEPT FOR GARTH ENNIS! Yes, my favorite comics writer was sitting front and center, surrounded by other folks who I didn’t know. (Although I noticed one of them was wearing a Chaos shirt; more on that later.)


They decided to do a Q&A for the whole time. When they first asked for questions, no one rose to the occasion . . . except for me. You see, of all Ennis’ Section Eight characters from HITMAN are dead but for one. Bueno Excellente, who fights evil with the power of perversion (i.e. he rapes the bad guys) is still roaming the DC Universe. I asked Ennis if he ever wanted to do a Bueno spin-off. He told me that he’d love to revisit Section Eight, but for now there are no plans.


Remember last year, when I asked him about the possibility of bringing DICKS back? Great news: DICKS 3 IS IN THE WORKS! To quote a great man, “I have an erection.”

John McCrea, who illustrated DICKS (among others, including HITMAN), was a latecomer, and his fellow panelists seemed to give him shit. It is clear that he is the hard-drinking member of this crew. The way they talked about him made it seem like he was always drunk and he worshiped the devil on a regular basis.


Someone asked a question about Kevin Smith working on THE BIONIC MAN for Dynamite. No one could comment on it, so I’m just going to assume it’s happening. Not that I give a shit. I find THE BIONIC MAN just about as interesting as clipping my nails. Considering Smith’s recent run on THE GREEN HORNET, I would stay away from more licensed stuff. Not that GH was bad, but Smith is capable of doing much more entertaining things.


Speaking of GH, Joe Rybandt, the moderator for the panel, admitted that they saturated the market with GH titles (and how!). They consider it a mistake and don’t plan on doing anything like that again. We’ll see.


Did you know that Dynamite acquired the rights to VOLTRON? Why? Who knows? Who cares? What’s next, SECTAURS? CENTURIONS? Will we ever reach a point where we’re done with the ‘Eighties?


Speaking of licensed crap, ARMY OF DARKNESS is making a comeback. There’s a crossover with Danger Girl coming soon, and then the AoD monthly will return. Which is a shame, considering how awful those books were. Don’t believe me? Remember the time that Ash saved Obama? That’s what I thought.

In other news, one of the audience members asked when we’ll be getting VAMPIRELLA out of her pants and back into her traditional outfit. Rybandt said that they did that because they didn’t want people to think of her as a T&A character, and that the only place we’ll see her in the little red number is on the covers. I hate to break it to you, but VAMPIRELLA is a T&A title. Do you think people read the book for the story? And the fact that she’s still on the covers like that says something, don’t you think?


Dynamite’s big announcement was their acquisition of all the Chaos characters (except for LADY DEATH, obviously). The guy with the Chaos shirt, Jesse Blaze Snider, is apparently the new writer of EVIL ERNIE. They plan to bring a new character back every four to six months.

I am a hardcore EE fan. This is the book that got me back into reading comics, along with HITMAN and PREACHER. I am a one time Fiend of the Month. And I know, some of you are pointing out that EE creator Brian Pulido is my friend, but I’d like to say that our friendship came from my love of Ernie, not the other way around. So I can see why you’d think what I’m about to say is biased, but keep in mind that I became Fiend of the Month that one time because I wrote an 8-page heavy criticism of where EE was going wrong.

These Dynamite fucks didn’t treat Ernie with ANY respect. While Snider went to lengths to prove that he’s a Chaos fan (he says he used to wear his shirt back in his CBGB days, and it makes sense, considering that his father is Dee Snider, who promoted a lot of STRANGELAND stuff with Pulido during the Chaos years), he completely shit all over the old books, saying that there wasn’t a lot of story to them. “They were good for what they were,” he said, but there wasn’t much in the direction of plot.


Bullshit. Fuck you. But I’ll bite. What’s your idea of story?

Well, they recognize that LADY DEATH was the lynchpin of the old Chaos Universe, but since Pulido held on to the rights and is publishing it with Avatar, Dynamite needs someone else to hold everything together. Evil Ernie is that fellow. The idea is to depict the battle between Heaven and Hell on earth (yeah, that’s a new idea). The reason good people die young is because Heaven needs them for their army. To keep up with the competition, Hell has sent Evil Ernie to earth to kill a whole bunch of baddies while they’re young for Hell’s army.

Wait, so Ernie is a glorified hitman for Hell? That’s the best you got? Where does the story come in? Snider's reason to tell this story was to give Ernie a reason to kill all of those people. Did he not read the original books? Ernie had plenty of reason to kill everyone in sight. Maybe at first he did so under Lady Death’s sway, but after a while, it was clear that this was definitely in his heart.

I’m sorry, but this pissed me off. In fact, the whole panel kind of tasted sour to me. They tried to glorify a lot of their books, and it’s just not true. Almost everything they put out is crap. If they hadn’t had the balls to pick up THE BOYS after it had been canceled by Wildstorm, I would have no respect for them.

Ah, THE BOYS. The main reason I wanted to go to the panel. Here’s a bunch of Ennis news for you all:


--Ennis will be doing two war stories for Avatar. If they are as awesome as BATTLEFIELDS has been, this should be mind-blowing.


--Someone asked Ennis if he was done writing about Ireland’s Troubles. He said that they’ve been over for 15 years, and he’d been living in New York for so long that he views the weird aftermath as an outsider. But he doesn’t discount the possibility of him returning to the topic.

--Ennis will be returning to CROSSED when the monthly begins (more on that when I talk about the Avatar panel).


--Ennis will also be returning to Marvel with a NICK FURY Max series.

--JENNIFER BLOOD will be handed off to a new writer with issue seven. Disappointing, but nothing new, considering Ennis’ approach to CROSSED.


--In July, we will get the first issue of THE BOYS mini-series on Butcher, illustrated by Darick Robertson. Ennis says that he is prouder of writing this book than any other.


--THE BOYS movie news: Adam McKay is attached to direct. Rybandt says that he heard McKay being interviewed about this, and it seems like he knows what he’s getting into, that he understands THE BOYS and wasn’t just looking for some "flavor of the month" to get his hands on. Ennis also said that he saw a version of the script that was rated PG-13, which was kind of startling. No worries; he says that McKay will be going for a solid R. Butcher probably won’t get to say “cunt” as much as he might want to, but it sounds like they know what they’re doing.

And that was it. They went around the table to tell everyone where each of them would be and when (for signings), and they shut the panel down. Rybandt said there would be a bunch of free books at the back, so we could grab ‘em on our way out, but most everyone rushed Ennis to get him to sign their stuff.

“THIS IS NOT AN IMPROMPTU SIGNING!” Rybandt yelled, and most people scattered. Ennis tried to be gracious and signed a few things, but it was clear that he had a tight schedule and couldn’t stick around.

I approached Rybandt because I had a question I wasn’t sure would be appropriate for the Q&A: “I noticed that Dynamite doesn’t have a presence on the convention floor. Why is that?”

Rybandt shrugged. “We just don’t do conventions.” A weird attitude to have for the event that is shaping up to be the biggest comic convention in the world, second only to San Diego.

I asked where Ennis was signing (because he didn’t say when it was his turn), and Rybandt said, “I don’t know. Look it up in the book.”


I searched the book and found nothing. I eventually had to go to an information kiosk to find out that it was a VIP signing, and you had to pay nearly $200 for a pass. I’m a huge Ennis fan, but no thanks.


As I was packing up, getting ready to go, Rybandt and Ennis breezed past me with frantic, rushed looks on their faces. Rybandt apologized for the people who wanted Ennis to sign things, and Ennis seemed to take it in stride. But he also thanked Rybandt for being very clear with the fans.


I also picked up a free comic book.  It didn't look like much, and when I got around to reading it, I'm sorry to say that it blew so much I didn't even want to review it.  The title will remain nameless, as I don't even want to think about it right now.


I finished grabbing my shit, intent on getting down to the Hero Initiative (so I could get McCrea to sign a few things), but I had to take a piss. I went straight to the bathroom and picked a stall.


I got a weird feeling and glanced to my side, to the person who was standing next to me. It was Garth Ennis. Distantly, I wondered if now would be a good time to ask for an interview.


But I kept my mouth shut. The red zone is for loading and unloading only. I zipped up and went to the sink. As I washed my hands, I looked into the mirror and saw Ennis standing there, waiting. Talk about fucking surreal.


Is this going to be a tradition for me at C2E2? Last year, I found myself in the very same position with Peter Straub, another writer I deeply respect. Hm. I wonder who it will be next year . . . .


[ON A SIDE NOTE, IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I MADE RYBANDT LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE IN THIS ARTICLE.  WELL, HE IS, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO AM I.  MORE IMPORTANTLY, I AM FAIR, AND IF I LEFT THIS PART OUT, I WOULD BE REMISS.  ON THE WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM, I RAN INTO HIM.  HE WAS CLEARLY WAITING FOR ENNIS.  RYBANDT TOOK THE TIME TO GRACIOUSLY (AND POLITELY) THANK ME FOR ATTENDING THE DYNAMITE PANEL.]