TONIGHT IS A LIST OF THE STUPID SHIT I'VE GOTTEN UP TO. Not bad decisions. That's something different, and if I were to discuss those, we'd be here all night, and I want to go to fucking bed. So we'll take a look at the stupid shit I sometimes get up to.
Let's start with today. I have a huge beard. Those of you who have hair on your upper lip know that it sometimes curls up and tickles your nose. I reached up to scratch that itch, and I accidentally misjudged the distance. I essentially chopped my own nose to the point where it fucking hurt. I shouted OW and started checking to see if my nose was bleeding.
I have nine toes. I was born with ten, but one had to be amputated due to 'Beetus reasons. I haven't had that toe for a while. Sometimes, usually when I just wake up, I go to take my morning piss and realize HOLY FUCK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY TOE?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And then I remember, oh yeah. It was amputated years ago.
It's OK. Laugh. Fuck knows we need a really good laugh right now. I offer myself as the sacrifice.
The first time I was in the hospital, I was supposed to die. I surprised doctors, who loaded me up with Dilaudid to make me comfortable until I died, by surviving. And the day after I was out of ICU, I needed to fart. But they had me on an alarm. If I got out of bed it would go off. For some reason, they always think I'm a fall risk. I was only a fall risk when I came back to myself after two weeks of alcohol withdrawals. Not that time. I figured it would be safe to fart. Whoops! It turned out to be the only time I shat myself as an adult. The alarm went off shortly after I went to the bathroom to clean myself.
I don't understand why, but my heels are super slippery. So if I get out of bed with no socks, I will slip and fall on my ass. It's just the way my feet are made, I guess.
There was the time I went through the Taco Bell drive thru, and when I was at the window, I heard someone ask if I wanted sauce. I said no. And then I realized that it was someone talking to the next guy in the drive thru. They were kind enough to not mention my faux pas.
When I was on trial for DUI I decided to break my bike out of storage and give 'er a try for the first time since I was in junior high. The very first curb I came to, I figured I was good. I was not good. I hit that curb and flew over the handlebars and face planted into the ground. There were others around, and they did not mention my stupidity.
These days I have a bad left leg. I accidentally hit it on a car tire that was turned unexpectedly out, and I almost fell. I cursed a fucking blue streak . . . and then I saw that the neighbors were walking their kids by my open garage. They were obviously nervous, but the dad asked me if I was OK. I explained what happened and showed him my brace so he wouldn't think I was just an asshole.
I remember at the job I held previous to the job I held last. I'd been away in the hospital, and I'd just returned. I said something about what I would handle, and someone said, "Dude, you've been gone for months. We got it." And that fucked me up because, well, he was right. It actually kind of hurt a bit. He apologized, but I told him not to because I had it coming.
Side note: if you have it coming, just fucking take it. Don't weasel your way out of it.
Fuck, is that enough? Let's see. What else do I have? Ah fuck it. You get the point. I'm sure there is plenty more, but the important thing is this: even if I'm posting serious shit, I'm just the court jester. I mean what I say, obviously, and I like to be taken seriously sometimes, but ultimately I'm a creature who wants to make you laugh. The people closest to me will agree. I make light of a lot of things. Not everything. If someone is having a bad day, I'll joke about it to help lighten moods. Sometimes I go too far, and it has cost me a bit, but I stand by my intent. I don't want us to suffer. I want to make people laugh and have fun.
I will never forget the time when I was a kid, maybe four years old, and I thought I was King Shit. And then I tripped and fell in front of my entire family. They all laughed. Not even my own mom tried to comfort me. But that's cool. I get it.
Because I loved that fucking spasm of laughter from a group of adults.
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