For all the shit I've been through, you'd think I'd experience PTSD a lot more. It's such a rarity that before 2021 I could count the instances on the fingers of one hand. The one that stands out the most was when I was drunk and saw a rug at a hookah bar that reminded me of . . . well, never mind what it reminded me of. It kind of fucked with me, and I spent most of the night not having fun. And there was the time when . . . just take my word for it. I'd rather not discuss it. You know it's bad when *I* don't want to talk about it.
I've always been good at compartmentalizing, so that's probably why it doesn't break through all that much. And I'm fuckin' phenomenal at bottling shit up. It takes a lot for that cork to pop, and I think it's only happened twice in all my life.
But here's the unexpected thing. Remember that car wreck I was in back in January? I have to say, that one is strong with the PTSD. It used to fuck with me whenever I approached that intersection where it happened, but it eventually went away like I thought it would. But it comes back every once in a while. Like when someone in front of me comes to a sudden halt, and I'm sent back in time to that moment before the air bag went off and punched me in the face, the moment when I knew I was fucked and there was nothing I could do about it.
But then it happened when I wasn't driving. I was watching something--probably an episode of Banshee, but I was too high at the time to remember--and there was a car crash with a very realistic sound. Movies and TV very rarely get that sound right. Whatever I was watching was spot on. I've only heard it in real life twice. Once when I was a witness to a car crash. The other time when I was in a car crash. It's an unmistakable sound, and when I heard it my pulse went up, and I found it difficult to breathe.
It took me a few seconds to pull out of that nose dive. I did the thing that my mom did when I freaked out the first time I saw Empire and Luke got his hand cut off. She told me it wasn't real, and I forced my brain to remember that.
It's kind of like night terrors. I used to have them, well, not a lot but enough. I didn't see the old hag or anything like that, but I felt something had grabbed me from under my bed and was pulling me down to be with it. After enough times I figured out what would stop it. I would tell myself it's not real, and then I would force myself to calm down and let whatever it was take me, because I knew that when it did, I would wake up.
Sure enough, it worked. I never had another night terror again. And it worked with this car crash sound. It actually startled me, and I wonder if it's going to be like this for the rest of my life, or if it will eventually stop like with the night terrors.
I guess I'll find out.
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