The other day I could smell blood. That's a precursor of my seasonal nose bleeds. It happens every time we get a drastic change in weather. So I figured that since winter is coming, it might be time to visit my grandparents one last time before it starts to snow.
Today is my 115th day from booze, so yesterday was 114. Whenever I visit Gramps I take an airplane bottle of Jim Beam with me. I usually have one for myself, too, but times change. I went to the liquor store and bought one (1) of them. I asked for an airplane bottle. I was told that they're called shooters. The clerk wondered why I said airplane bottles, but after she thought about it, she figured it out.
I went out to the cemetery and visited with my grandparents. It was a nice day. Possibly the last nice day we'll have for a while. I sat cross-legged on the cold ground, and after maybe ten minutes I pulled out the Beam.
This time I remembered that I wanted to smell it before pouring it out on Gramps's side of the grave. I'd heard that recovering alcoholics can't stand the smell after a while, and I had my doubts because I always loved the smell of whiskey, bourbon in particular. So I took a whiff and nearly recoiled. Huh. So it *is* true.
I'm honestly surprised that I haven't had a drink since detox. I planned on drinking for my 44th birthday and then just . . . didn't. I also had plans to drink for Christmas, but the closer we get to the day, the more I realize I don't want to do it. Here's the kicker: I'm kind of scared to. Fear doesn't come easily to me, so it very much surprised me. I've felt pretty confident that I could just have one drink and be fine. Hell, maybe two, right? Three, tops.
But what if I decide, hey, I've come this far, why not four? I've always liked fives, so maybe I should bring it up another level. But I also like even numbers, so why not six? Did I have six already? Maybe I should take one more for good measure. Wow, I'm fucked up. Hell with it. I'm already this far gone. Might as well finish the bottle.
But it's good to know that I don't like the smell anymore. I can only imagine how horrible the taste would be now.
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