So a while back I was taking a shower, and when I went to turn off the water I heard a crack in the wall, and the water did not turn off. The handle felt loose, so I knew right away something was broken. I remember thinking, well fuck. How the hell do I fix this without involving a plumber?
Because I have no idea how much longer we have at this place. I'm expecting our eviction notice any day now. I predicted it would happen between Halloween and Thanksgiving. Once that happens, we'll have 30 days to get out of here. If we don't have much longer here, well, fuck the shower. Let it be the bank's problem.
I fixed the issue by doing something that has never been done, at least not in my memory. There is a tiny door that my brothers and I always jokingly called the door to It's lair. It's in the wall on the other side of the shower. I don't think anyone has ever, not even Gramps, opened that little door. It's to the point where we put a dresser there thinking no one would ever go in there. Guess who had to move the fucking dresser.
That's right.
And then I had to unscrew four screws, which was difficult because there isn't a lot of room to maneuver down there. Once I got through that, I had to pry the door open because at some point Gramps painted over the door. Thankfully he wasn't much of a painter, and I was able to get the door open. I half expected an army of spiders to come marching out all over my feet.
(Actually, I was sitting at the time, so they would have marched up the legs of my boxers and all over my junk. You're welcome for that inviting picture in your head.)
So every time I need to shower, I have to move the dresser, open the door and turn on the two spigots back there. Then, when I'm done, I turn them off and put everything back in its place. It sucked because when the faucet broke, it broke on the colder side of warm.
Fast forward to last week when the city shut off everyone's water on the block due to a possible lead contamination. The water has been back on for a while, but whatever they did caused further problems for me. The cold spigot works fine. The hot spigot does not. All the other water in the house works the way it's supposed to.
Which means I've been taking cold showers, and this will likely continue through the next month or so. My dick has crawled so far up into me that I can taste it on the back of my throat. I don't think it's ever coming down again.
I've taken to filling up a bucket of hot water from the kitchen sink to bring in there with me. I do the mad sprint through the cold water to get wet, and then I step out of the path of the water to suds up. Then I take a washcloth and dip it into the hot water to clean that off of me. When I'm done I pour the hot water over me, and any soap I still have left on me needs to be removed by the cold water. This has made this travesty bearable, but it will never be a good thing.
The bank really should reconsider letting us live here. There are electrical and plumbing issues all over the house. The ceiling on the second floor is soggy, so I'm expecting rain to start leaking through at any moment. Oh yeah, and the ceiling just under the second floor bathroom is soggy, so I expect the bathtub to fall through to the first floor at some point.
Maybe leaving this place will be a good thing. One thing I know for sure: the bank is going to regret acquiring this place. They're going to spend a lot more money fixing this place up than they can possibly imagine. I find comfort in that.
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