TOY CRIME STORY
By John Bruni
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Joey: Poor doomed boy
Wally: Joey’s dad, alcoholic since his son’s death
Mimi: Joey’s mom, pill popper since her son’s death
Nightbeat: Transformers detective action figure who must solve Joey’s murder
Cat in the Hat: Stuffed animal, possibly the Devil
Felix the Cat: Stuffed animal,
retired
Felix’s wives: sweatered Felixes who Felix hates, gold diggers
Felix’s sons: mini-Felixes Felix does not acknowledge
Don: Donald Duck stuffed animal with a paper bag face, thinks he’s Don Draper
Angel: Plush vampire detective, hates his life
Spike: Plush vampire, pain in Angel’s ass
Bunny: Stuffed animal, neurotic mess
Jack Bunnyson: Bunny’s other personality, thinks he’s Jack Nicholson
Fox in Socks: Stuffed animal, puts cocks in box
Don Snowy: Stuffed fat snowman, Italian pervert
Goombas: Super Mario Bros. villains, Don Snowy’s stuffed goons
Ratchet: Transformers medic, advisor to Nightbeat
CHAPTER ONE
“Joey! Are you all right? Did you fall?”
Silence.
“Joey!” They heard his mother coming closer to the stairs. None of them were close to the door, so they couldn’t watch. They couldn’t risk being caught.
“Oh my God! Joey!” Hurried footsteps down the stairs. “Wally! God! Wally! Come quick! Joey’s hurt!”
Heavier footsteps as Joey’s dad approached from downstairs. They suddenly rushed closer. “Oh God! Joey! Are you okay?”
Nightbeat, ever curious, approached the door. Keeping mostly hidden behind the wedge of open door, he could see down the steps as Wally and Mimi cradled their son at the bottom.
“Oh God!” Wally said. “He’s not breathing!” He touched Joey’s neck, looking for a pulse, finding none. Joey’s head lolled as if attached by a thread.
“Is he . . . ?” Mimi’s hands flew over Joey’s body, searching for his injuries.
“Call 911! For God’s sake!”
Mimi rushed away, looking for her phone. Nightbeat watched as Wally put his son’s chest up to his ear, hoping for any sign of life, tears already in his eyes. Joey’s head hung at an impossible angle, and Nightbeat saw a smudge of blood on the boy’s nose.
Broken neck, he thought. It’s gotta be.
“What’s going on?”
Nightbeat turned to see Fox in Socks’s red form, inquisitive nose wrinkled. He didn’t dare approach the door. He’d be seen too easily. Nightbeat was small and nondescript.
“I think we might have a problem,” Nightbeat said.
“Oooh, a problem?” Cat in the Hat swooped in, grinning. “I love a good problem. What is this?”
Nightbeat grimaced. The lyrical sound of Cat’s British accent made his gears grind. “I think Joey might be dead.”
“My word,” Cat said. He held a gloved hand to his mouth.
Nightbeat’s diagnosis rumbled through the other toys behind him. He shushed them as he tried to get a closer look. Down the stairs, Mimi returned with her phone, barking tearful orders into it. Wally looked up at her and shook his head.
“No!” Mimi screamed. “No! It can’t be! You don’t know what they’re doing! The paramedics are on the way! Let them do their job! They’ll fix him. I know they will!”
Wally, tears now streaming down his face, laid Joey out on the floor. He found a blanket and gently placed it over his son’s face.
“No!” Mimi cried. “You take that off of him right now! He’s alive, dammit! He’s alive!”
Wally tried to embrace his wife, but she pushed him back. “Fuck you! Our boy is alive! Alive!”
He fought against her for a moment, but then she collapsed into his arms, sobbing. They held each other, weeping, until the paramedics showed up. The cops followed. A few firemen, too. Nightbeat knew it was procedure.
“Is it true?”
Nightbeat didn’t need to turn around. He knew Bunny’s whiny voice anywhere. “Looks like it. Poor Joey.”
“Oh no!” Bunny cried. “We’re never going to play again!”
The news spread through the rest of the toys quickly. Nightbeat watched the proceedings downstairs as closely as he could. The police questioned Wally and Mimi downstairs while the paramedics zipped Joey up in a black bag and carted him away. Nightbeat tried to hear the words they were saying down there, but the distance was too far.
Everyone left. Just to be safe, Nightbeat pushed the door closed. He turned to face all of his companions. “I hate to say it, but Joey’s gone. He’s dead.”
Bunny cried out his grief, as did a few others. Fox broke down in tears, covering his eyes with his blue mittens.
“What happened?” Angel asked. “Joey looked fine to me a few minutes ago.”
“It looks like he went down the stairs,” Nightbeat said. “I know they’ll say it was an accident, that he tripped.”
“Oh please,” Cat said. “That’s obviously what happened.”
“I don’t think so,” Nightbeat said. “I think it was murder, and I think one of you did it.”
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
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