GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #787: YOUR MOM'S A WHORE

 That was the first time I remember experiencing graffiti. I was probably five or so, using a public bathroom, and I saw this declaration about someone's mom being a sex worker. There was a phone number there, too. I remember asking Mom what a whore was, and I got an honest answer, which was helpful.

Fast forward to high school. I wrote a short story that I wanted to get published in the school literary magazine. As you can guess, I never made the grade because, well, you know the kind of stuff I write. Even though classic literature is full of fucked up and sexy shit, writing that kind of thing is frowned upon unless you've been dead for about 500 years or so. I remember specifically the story I'm talking about. It was called "The Warlock of Salem," and it was pretty good for someone in high school. It was a shitty story, but for a teenager? Not bad. It got rejected with a note explaining that it wasn't the subject matter. It was because I didn't write the story like I'd been alive during the Salem Witch Trials. I'd written it, as you might imagine, as a modern author would have.

Clearly that irked me, if it's still on my mind now.

Fast forward to today. I read an article about a teacher banning slang in her classroom because . . . well, I'll let her explain it.

Sorry, that's a Buzzfeed screen capture. Yes, I'm just as irritated looking at that as you are.

I'm not a big fan of those words, myself. I think it's kind of silly. However, if I'm going to write a teenager today, I should know these words and put them in that teen's mouth. More importantly, I find a problem with the teacher's English. She's writing this like she was a modern person today. Shouldn't she be using Old English? (Or should I say Olde English?) Because if you're using modern language, it's going to be inappropriate for an academic setting. Her lesson plans better sound more like German than English, or she's selling her students short.

But here's the thing. Humans have always been the same, it's just a matter of window dressing, of method, of words. The English language is constantly evolving, so while it disgusts me that it is now permissible for people to say "literally" when they're describing something figurative, it's something I have to accept. Those banned words are the future of the English language. Her future counterpart is going to use those words, and the kids then will wonder why she's talking like a square.

Which brings me to this:

For centuries we've essentially been Beavis and Butt-Head, roaming around this crazy world of ours, writing stupid shit on things we probably shouldn't be writing on. Looking for a more specific example?

Erotic graffiti recently identified at the Greek island of Astypalaia documents a 2500-year-old tryst between two men: “Nikasitimos was here mounting Timiona."

Perhaps that's not enough for you. Here's something more recent. This one is only two thousand years old.

One team of researchers recently counted over 1000 inscriptions inside the tomb of pharaoh Ramesses VI in the Valley of the Kings—many of which were from Romans who visited the site 2000 years ago. Their ancient declarations include familiar complaints of disappointed tourists: “I visited and I did not like anything except the sarcophagus!” and "I cannot read the hieroglyphs!"

Here's what people forget. When you're reading, oh, say, Shakespeare for example, HE WROTE IN THE SLANG OF THE DAY. We view it as classy and upper-crust and all the other honorable things old literature (pronounced "lit-rit-chure") are supposed to be. But Shakespeare wrote a lot of action and violence and gore and sex. Remember when Hamlet asked Ophelia if she thought he wanted to put his face on her cunt?

Hamlet

[To Ophelia]  Lady, shall I lie in your lap?

Ophelia

No, my lord!

Hamlet   

I mean, my head upon your lap. 

Ophelia

Ay, my lord.

Hamlet   

Do you think I meant country matters?

Ophelia

I think nothing, my lord.

Hamlet   

That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs.

Ophelia

What is, my lord?

Hamlet   

“Nothing.”    

Ophelia

You are merry, my lord.

I was possibly the only human being on the planet who thought Mel Gibson would make a great Hamlet. (And please keep in mind that this was long before we found out about the real Mel Gibson.)

Sure, he's a scumbag, but at least he knows story structure . . .

Human beings have always been profane and stupid. It would not surprise me to discover, upon checking out the cave where Jesus' body was supposedly lain, that someone wrote on the boulder, "Your mom is a whore."