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| Because there's no such thing. |
It's been a while since I wrote my ACAB piece, and I read another news article that makes me want to revisit it. I love stories that make cops look like the buffoons they are, but more importantly I value them because they're stories about cops FAILING TO MURDER SOMEONE. Any story where the intended murder victim of a police officer survives? I'm a happy guy.
Enter Gary Porter. He was already wanted on a felony charge, so imagine the pleasure of the police when they found him passed out in a chicken coop. (Chicken coop? I hear you ask. This happens in Maine. There's not much there aside from chicken coops and Stephen King monsters.)
So they found a suspect passed out in a chicken coop. One might think that being found in such a position would require a mental physician to evaluate you, and that was the plan. They arrested him and brought him back to the station, where he woke up, and the madness began.
While the cop stepped around the vehicle to get the suspect out, Porter, who may possibly be Captain Jack Sparrow in real life, managed to get the cuffs out from behind his back, got behind the wheel and drove away.
The articles all say that he then led them on a merry chase through rural Maine, but let's be real. All of Maine is rural. They could have been anywhere in the state. The point is, 11 cops and 5 law enforcement agencies got involved. All because of this guy they found passed out in a chicken coop. They set a trap for him. You know those things in the movies they deploy on the road when trying to destroy a fleeing suspect's tires? They did that to him, and he crashed into a ditch.
But wait! There's more! Captain Jack--er, Porter, got out of the car, still handcuffed and wearing a hospital robe, apparently, and GOT INTO ANOTHER COP CAR AND SPED OFF. The whole time those 11 cops were shooting at him. At this point it is worth mentioning that Porter IS NOT ARMED. So the cops naturally decided to empty their guns at an unarmed man who belongs in a mental institute. Murdering suspects is their go-to tactic, which is why I'm so happy when their victims escape BEING MURDERED.
Too bad he crashed again not too far away. The cops, as is their wont, emptied their guns into the vehicle. Miraculously Porter was only shot once, and it doesn't seem like it was that serious. It sounds like he was treated and released by the hospital in the same day. A spokesperson for the Maine State Police said, "Officers confronted Porter, and gunfire was exchanged." Funny word, that, "exchanged." If gunfire is being "exchanged," it means two parties are shooting at each other. Nice attempt to cover your ass, Maine. Nice try.
Interestingly enough, according to court records the reason they were looking for Porter was because things had not gone well in court due to him mumbling and falling asleep. The reason for that was his medication. So this guy, zoned out on medication, handcuffed and wearing nothing but a hospital gown made dunces out of 11 fucking cops. Not surprisingly, they went on "administrative leave." Which I'm sure translates to "get paid to stay at home." Cops are good at failing but not really failing. It turns out that this real-life Benny Hill skit is "the largest number of police officers to discharge their guns in a single incident in recent memory in [Maine]." That's fairly close to Vermont. Could it be that Super Troopers is based on a true story?
Indeed . . .
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