GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #996: KILLING BABY HITLER

Baby Hitler

 

It's the age old question, isn't it? No, it's not. The question probably doesn't go back any farther than the 1930s, but for me, a 46 year old man, it's an age old question. If you had the ability to time travel, would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler?

I'm a firm no for a variety of reasons. Chief among them is, doing so would completely change your present. It could be for the better, sure, but it could also be for the worse. Is that a gamble you're willing to make? Remember, the world you're returning to will be completely alien to you. From a time travel standpoint it makes no sense.

Also, there's a very real possibility that Hitler was going to grow up to be a fine upstanding citizen if some weirdo hadn't tried killing him when he was a baby.

But Jesus Christ man, you're talking about killing a baby. What kind of asshole kills a baby?

Oh right, this asshole killed a shit-ton of babies.

If you must use time travel to kill Hitler, go back to when Nazis started running things in Germany. Pop into his bedroom at night and kill him then. Maybe you'll even find him stroking it, caressing a one-balled sac. (The other is in Albert Hall.) Think how embarrassing it would have been for him to get killed while rubbing the one-eyed wonder weasel.

I bring this up because I thought of something horrible earlier today, and because I've suffered with this in my head, I must infec--er, I mean *share* it with the rest of you.

I know a lot of the Magas are Nazis, but there's probably a bunch of them still in denial who think Hitler was bad. Do those people ever think about this question?

The rest of them don't. For sure. Their big question is, if they could time travel, would they go back in time and kill baby Fred Rogers? He was a man who taught empathy and compassion to generations of children, and we know the Magas hate those things . (Empathy and compassion, that is. They love children. They make excellent victims.) Think of all the lives who could have been saved by cruelty without Mr. Rogers and his neighborhood!

I hope I've not given them ideas. Not that they could figure out time travel. That's not even on Musk's mind, and he's the only one of them with the wherewithal to find someone to figure it out and then steal the idea from them.

Four more Goodnight, Fuckers left . . .

Thank you for your service, Dean Winchester.

GOODNIGHT FUCKERS #896: 1940 OR 2016?

 I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels royally fucked by the 2016 election in the US, the one that put Donald Trump in the White House for those outside the US. There were a lot of rumblings that Russia interfered with that election (and the next one, but that news comes from Trump and is, thus, suspect), and I kinda believe it. It's the only election I have ever been wrong about since 1988. The fact that Trump won against all common sense stuck in my craw. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a stolen election. After all, the GOP usually accuses everyone else of doing the things they, themselves, are doing.

But is it possible that Hitler tried to interfere with the election of 1940? As in, the election year before America got into WWII? Not only is it possible, but it's true. The part about him trying, not about it actually working.

The number one issue of the election was whether or not America would join that war. Here's a nice little quote that explains better than I could (from the Washington Post):

Susan Dunn, who teaches at Williams College, accurately describes what was at stake as American voters went to the polls on Nov. 5, 1940: "The humanism of Western civilization and the essence of Christian morality, the peerless legacy of the Enlightenment and Thomas Jefferson's immortal affirmation of the inalienable human rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness all stood on the brink of annihilation" as Adolf Hitler's massive army stormed across Europe, soon to be joined across the world by the forces of imperial Japan. Yet "on that day, while much of the world reeled from violence and chaos, an orderly, free election was calmly taking place in the United States at its regular, constitutionally appointed time."

That's heavy, Doc. Remember, this is a time when America didn't stalk the rest of the world, doing whatever it wanted. That had begun, but it wasn't as prolific as it is today. The only things the common American knew about our adventures abroad were from WWI, and memories of that weren't so hot. A lot of people wanted the US to stay out of the war, especially Hitler! Having fought in WWI, he remembered how Germany might have won if not for US intervention. He preferred that an isolationist would be elected instead of FDR. Also remember at the time that no president had served more than two terms at that point because Washington only served two, and that's all she wrote. But that law wasn't signed until years after WWII. No one really wanted or expected FDR to try for that third term, but he swung for the fences.

Here's how Hitler tried to get an isolationist elected instead. William Rhodes Davis was an American entrepreneur with Nazi sympathies. What put him on Hitler's map was that he was an oilman selling Mexican oil to Germany during WWII. He was a "sketchy" guy, for sure, but he was Hitler's man. He also had a lot of connections with the Democrats, who FDR was running for.

In 1934 Britain blockaded all German ports, which practically killed Davis's business. To save his investments he knew he had to broker a peace deal. To his credit he went to the White House with his plan first, but FDR turned him away. With no American interest, Davis went to Germany where he had a sit-down with Goering. He pitched the idea of interfering with the US election, going as far as to mention a labor leader with the CIO as a possible candidate, as he despised FDR.

(It should also be noted that when he returned to the US, FDR refused to meet with him because he suspected that Davis was now working for the Nazis. Good call, FDR.)

Goering loved the idea so much he left five million dollars at the German Embassy in Washington, DC, where Davis could readily get at it.

But events conspired against Davis, and the GOP nominated an interventionist instead. With two interventionists in the race, Davis didn't have a chance. Not that it mattered, anyway. I'm sure whoever they put against FDR, even if it was Charles "Hitler is a very great man" Lindbergh, it would be thie snowball in Hell. FDR won 449 to 82. It wasn't even a contest.

Why have you never heard of this plot? They certainly don't teach it in history class. I learned about it because I'm curious and look into things. But there's a very good reason for you not knowing. It wasn't discovered until Truman was president, and he did his level best to bury the story. No one knew about it until 1961, presumably when everything was declassified.

So authorities in this country are very right to be afraid of election interfering. Too bad the dipshits and fuckfaces on the right are the only ones talking about it, since they're the only ones who are probably guilty. Well, them and the Russkies.

THE DONALD SPEAKS #2: TRUMP VS. HITLER

Adolf Hitler was a terrific guy. He did wonders for the German economy, so he made a lot of people rich. He was also an advocate for clean living. He never smoked and he rarely ever drank. The man was a vegetarian. He also made the trains run on time. I don't think Obama has done a very good job of that. He was also a renaissance man. A wonderful writer. I like his watercolors. He was a true artist. Best of all, he went out on his own terms. He's an inspiration to me, and when I'm elected, I'm going to implement a lot of his plans in order to #MakeAmericaGreatAgain.