GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #996: KILLING BABY HITLER

Baby Hitler

 

It's the age old question, isn't it? No, it's not. The question probably doesn't go back any farther than the 1930s, but for me, a 46 year old man, it's an age old question. If you had the ability to time travel, would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler?

I'm a firm no for a variety of reasons. Chief among them is, doing so would completely change your present. It could be for the better, sure, but it could also be for the worse. Is that a gamble you're willing to make? Remember, the world you're returning to will be completely alien to you. From a time travel standpoint it makes no sense.

Also, there's a very real possibility that Hitler was going to grow up to be a fine upstanding citizen if some weirdo hadn't tried killing him when he was a baby.

But Jesus Christ man, you're talking about killing a baby. What kind of asshole kills a baby?

Oh right, this asshole killed a shit-ton of babies.

If you must use time travel to kill Hitler, go back to when Nazis started running things in Germany. Pop into his bedroom at night and kill him then. Maybe you'll even find him stroking it, caressing a one-balled sac. (The other is in Albert Hall.) Think how embarrassing it would have been for him to get killed while rubbing the one-eyed wonder weasel.

I bring this up because I thought of something horrible earlier today, and because I've suffered with this in my head, I must infec--er, I mean *share* it with the rest of you.

I know a lot of the Magas are Nazis, but there's probably a bunch of them still in denial who think Hitler was bad. Do those people ever think about this question?

The rest of them don't. For sure. Their big question is, if they could time travel, would they go back in time and kill baby Fred Rogers? He was a man who taught empathy and compassion to generations of children, and we know the Magas hate those things . (Empathy and compassion, that is. They love children. They make excellent victims.) Think of all the lives who could have been saved by cruelty without Mr. Rogers and his neighborhood!

I hope I've not given them ideas. Not that they could figure out time travel. That's not even on Musk's mind, and he's the only one of them with the wherewithal to find someone to figure it out and then steal the idea from them.

Four more Goodnight, Fuckers left . . .

Thank you for your service, Dean Winchester.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #224: KILLING HITLER

Earlier today I ran into a friend and his family. While he and his wife ordered food from McDonald's I found myself in an interesting conversation with their seven-year-old son. He's actually pretty smart. I've always thought that he was going to go on to do something important. He certainly knew more than I did when I was his age.

We started talking about time travel stories and historical SF. He'd just read some good stuff, and he was thinking about the age old question: if you could go back in history and kill baby Hitler, would you? He didn't want to do that. Blessed with coming of age in a more tolerant time he said he wanted to go back in time and help Hitler be a better person so he wouldn't do all of those horrible things. "I want him to experience beauty," he said. "Maybe he didn't have enough art in his life. Maybe he should have been a creator instead of a destroyer. I'd try to teach him an art, like painting or something."

My blood froze with that last statement. In that moment I realized that this kid was going to be a genius. One day he was going to invent a time machine, and he was going to go back in time to teach young Hitler how to paint. Which will lead to him being refused admittance to an art school. Which will lead to genocide and a wildly violent attempt at world domination.

There is no changing time. If you travel back in your future, it has already been done.

I just realized that I had to kill this child so he couldn't go back in time to try and save Hitler.

Wish me luck.

Just kidding. Children are not smart. They're stupid and disgusting. If you knew me you would have known this was a joke. Do you realize how many messes I've had to clean up because of children? I'm pretty sure that they're all Donald Trumps waiting to happen. Good luck in training that out of them.

All right, kids aren't that bad. I'm just glad I don't have any I have to take care of. I thought it was a good joke, that's all. I apologize to the children of the world for assuming they're all assholes. They're not. Well, most of them aren't. Some are good. Probably.  #VoteBruniDanger2016