GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #356: WOODEN LEG!

 First listen to this. Then listen to this. A great story, no?

There's just one thing I don't get. When we first meet the protagonist, he already has a wooden leg, right? And then the Spaniard blows off his other leg, thus necessitating the need for another wooden leg. So why, when he returns to ancient Madrid, does he chop off both the Spaniard's legs to put them onto himself? For his revenge to be exact, he'd need only one leg, wouldn't he?

Then again, why not take the other leg? I guess the opportunity was there. In his place I might have done the same thing. But it seems a bit excessive to me.

By the way, if the doctors ever take my bad leg, which they want to do, I'm going to get a wooden leg and start dressing like a pirate. It's the only way . . .

YAR! ALESTORM!

Your life is not complete without the Scottish metal band, Alestorm. They are not just any metal band, no sir. No, they are fucking PIRATES. They’ve gone mad with rum, and they are ready to blow your brains out with their blunderbusses. And you will like it.

They sing songs of the high seas, of boozing and treasure and mutiny and all the things pirates enjoy. To put things in perspective, TREASURE ISLAND is less about pirates than Alestorm is. Take, for example, their song “Over the Seas,” a tale of how they purchase a treasure map “from an old man with a hook for a hand.” Or consider the tales of warfare at sea, like “Death Before the Mast” and “Terror on the High Seas.” In the latter song, they say, “Reload the cannons and sharpen up your swords/They will regret the day they faced the pirate horde.” These Scottish pirates do not fuck around.

And when they’re not raping and pillaging, they’re enjoying some time on land, drinking and whoring. “Nancy the Tavern Wench” is almost an advertisement for a good place to go for women, rum, and the possibility of adventure and treasure. However, “Wenches and Mead” is the superior song, showing a pirate having just returned from “a mighty quest.” He must unwind from all the stress of being a pirate. So “I head for a tavern for a drink/and get so drunk I cannot think.” Even those of us who work more mundane jobs can relate to such a need.

But the real gem of this album, so much so that the song’s title is also that of the CD, is “Captain Morgan’s Revenge,” which tells the story of a “bloody mutiny.” The ship was lost at sea, and the crew lost their patience with the higher ups, so they “took up arms and slayed the officers of rank/And with swords drawn made the captain walk the plank.” But Captain Morgan was not pleased with this and cursed each and every crew member with a looming, shadowy death before he was swallowed up by the sea. And sure enough, the curse is not a trifling matter. The narrators of this song are telling us this tale from their prison cells, waiting to face the gallows in the morning. It is all best summed up in the chorus:

“At sunrise we’ll all dance the hempen jig
So raise up your pint of rum and take another swig
The curse of Captain Morgan has led us to this fate
So have no fear and don’t look back, the afterlife awaits!”

Best enjoyed with Captain Morgan’s Reserve. Yar!

CAPTAIN MORGAN’S REVENGE
Band: Alestorm
Released by Napalm Records