GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #860: 100 ORGASMS

 Arnold Schwarzenegger's Pump Club is chockful of suggestions for living longer and keeping your brain intact. Getting enough sleep is something he talks about often. And lifting weights seems to solve a lot of physical problems, or at the least helps you live longer with a better life.

But he's got a doozy for us today. Today's "number you won't forget" is 100. As in, if you masturbate 100 times to orgasm in a year, you will likely live three years longer than you would have. Finally I can do something he recommends! Hell, I got this one down pretty good. 100 jerkoff sessions? In a year? I think I have that this year alone so far. If you want to read the study, check it out here.

There's more. Sex two times a week could lower your risk of heart disease. And then there's the big number. If you want to add possibly eight years to your life, you have a better shot at it if you masturbate SEVEN HUNDRED TIMES A YEAR. I don't know if I can, heh, pull that off. I don't know how many of us could diddle ourselves that often. Maybe Matthew McConaughey in The Wolf of Wall Street could do it. Because I'm a pervert I ran the numbers, and if he jerks off as much as he claims to in that movie, he does so.730 times a year. At least.

I'm not too thrilled to be adding years to my life. I've lived decades with older people. I know exactly what waits for me if I'm not lucky enough to die before it happens. There is no dignity in death, but there are degrees, and I'd rather have as much dignity as possible than leave behind friends and relatives who know exactly what it's like to change my diapers or to wash out my fat folds. But if you're the sort who wants to live as long as possible, perhaps I've brightened your day? Go forth and conquer.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #761: ATTENTION SPAN

 Remember a while ago when I begged you all to stop multitasking in order to live a better life (and possibly make my square job a little easier)? Tonight's topic is related because a majority of people lack focus. Not too long ago I read another of Arnold Schwarzenegger's newsletters, and now maybe I'm thinking this lack of focus isn't entirely a choice.

You really, really don't have to read this. It's long and academic and kind of dry, but the reason I'm putting that link there is because that's where he gets his numbers. 20 years ago, he says, our attention span lasted approximately 2.5 minutes, and over time it's continued dropping. Now it's at a depressing 47 seconds (and others say it's a mere 8!). Not even a full fucking minute. The study says that technology is to blame, specifically staring at phone and computer screens and spending time on social media.

Once again, I get it. We're all busy. We've got stuff to do. But it is my belief that our dropping attention spans are ruining the quality of our lives. Schwarzenegger agrees: ". . . the less you focus, the more likely you are to experience stress and anxiety and have a harder time being present and feeling happy."

How often have you gone online to find more information about something? And then you see something else, and now you want to learn more about that? And so on and so forth? People call it "going down the rabbit hole." Think about every time you've ever done that. How have you felt afterward? How much info did you actually retain? Did you even get an answer to your first question?

No wonder we're having difficulty being present. There are too many presents, and we want a piece of them all, and we're not exercising the control needed to focus. I wonder what our attention spans will be like in 20 years. If the current trend continues, we might not have an attention span. In one ear, out the other. Or, more apropos of the topic, in one eye and out the other.

I've got a fairly good attention span. Another of Schwarzenegger's newsletters suggests that those who read have a better time of it, and I not only read a lot, I spend a lot of time in nature reading (weather permitting, of course). So what can you do to improve your ability to focus? He's got some suggestions. I'm just going to copy and paste them below. Good luck in applying these to your life.

1. Block off 2 to 3 times per day when you don’t use your phone. On some level, we’ve all become addicted. You must train your brain to go without your phone to break the cycle, just as you must train your muscles to become stronger.

2. Get outside and walk for 20 minutes. You can listen to music or call a friend, but try to stay off the screen or social media. Being outside and moving can help your brain reset and focus.

3. Do something quiet and mundane that requires some level of focus. It can be a crossword puzzle, the dishes, or laundry.

4. Read a book for 30 minutes. You’re not just training your brain to stay off your phone; you’re training to maintain focus for a longer time on a singular task.

Out of curiosity, does anyone remember this show? Do you remember the name? There are no prizes for this piece of trivia, but you'll have my undying respect if you do know.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #738: CORPORATIONS "PROFIT FROM OUR ANGER"

 People always accuse me of being too hard on Republicans (tee-hee, I said hard on), but tonight's GF is going to be proof that I don't hate all Republicans. I just hate *almost* all Republicans. Just like I hate almost all Democrats.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is a Republican, and I love him. The rest of his party could benefit from watching how he conducts himself (ie. as a human being) and perhaps apply it to themselves.

I get his newsletter, and not too long ago he talked about the so-called Skittles ban in California. This is a perfect example of how corporations make us angry so they can profit off of us. If you're unfamiliar with the law, it actually bans an ingredient in Skittles. The way he breaks it down is perfect, so I'm going to let him explain:

I can hear the chanting already. "Europeans are a bunch of pussies!" But really. Come on. Only in America, where a sitting president once tried to tell people the cure for Covid was to inject themselves with bleach, could something that is illegal to use in makeup be perfectly legal to eat.

So where do the Skittles come in? Believe it or not there are people who I hate more than corporate scum. We call them lobbyists. It's their job to bribe, cajole or bully politicians into doing the bidding of their corporate overlords. The only reason I'm OK with them continuing to exist is, if we made the practice illegal, they'd go back to under the table bribes, and we'd be completely in the dark. I prefer them to be out in the open where we can see their evil deeds instead of suspecting them.

Five will get you ten that lobbyists wrote those "think" pieces calling it a Skittles ban for the sole purpose of brainwashing you into thinking of the law as laughable, killing any hopes it will have of passing. No politician will vote for something the public thinks is laughable. I find it interesting that Arnold talks a little about his time as governor of the very state in quesiton:

I get a little suspicious when people talk about how kids don't have anyone speaking on their behalf in politics because if you disagree with someone saying that, you're immediately the asshole. However, Arnold doesn't seem to have any interest in running for office at this time, for one. For another, unlike almost every other politician, he actually has a history of putting his money where his mouth is on this one. Even before he was governor he was always volunteering his time to raise awareness of physical fitness for children and creating charities and after school programs for them. All the things politicians say should happen but would never in a million years make any effort into trying to manifest as a reality.

So please remember to never EVER just take anyone's word for something. Not even mine. I understand that a lot of people have lost any ability when it comes to critical thinking skills, but in a country where we have freedom of speech, it is one of the most important skills to have. When anyone can say anything, you have to have the ability to separate facts from bullshit. The next time you hear about something ridiculous in politics, don't just dismiss it. Think about it. Look into it a little. Make up your own mind using critical thinking skills instead of listening to any cockadoodie politician or clickbait article or what have you. Remember that when you get angry over something you read in the news.

I'll let Arnold have the final word tonight:

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #664: ARNOLD

 

A while back I joined Arnold Schwarzenegger's newsletter. Like any kid in the 'Eighties, I loved the hell out of his movies, and it looked like he was trying to cultivate a "positive corner of the internet." The internet can be a truly awful place, so I thought, what the hell? Why not? You can join it yourself if you want to here. There is a monthly one that is very lengthy and a brief daily one that goes over how to be more healthy and how to get in shape.

I don't always read everything because a lot of it doesn't apply to me. I can't do a lot of the workouts because of my bad leg and my ever-increasingly-bad hands. But it makes for interesting reading sometimes, and it does leave me feeling warm and fuzzy every now and again. Even a misanthrope like me needs that sometimes.

A lot of you know about my struggles with caffeine. Quitting booze was infinitely easier than quitting caffeine. I will say, when I was in detox I also detoxed from caffeine, but here I am, glugging down Monster energy drinks every fucking day. At least I get the sugar free ones now. The Zero Ultra is pretty good, actually.

In one of the daily newsletters something caught my attention. Very few people on this planet view caffeine as a bad drug that shouldn't be consumed. That's because almost everyone is addicted to it, and they don't give it a second thought. My own doctor (the one who once told me that fat diabetics don't survive the zombie apocalypse) reacted like this when I told him I was trying to quit caffeine:

In the newsletter in question, it brings up a study that shows that chewing gum in the morning is just as effective as drinking a cup of coffee. (I'm paraphrasing from memory, here, so don't hold me to that exactly.)

No one knows why. They just know it works. The theory is that chewing puts your jaw muscles to work, and it sends signals up to your brain for awareness. Goddammit, I wish I wasn't hooked on caffeine again. I'd love to try this experiment. The thought of going through the headaches again is not a pleasant thought.

Fuck. I guess I'm going to have to give it a shot. Because gum is a lot less expensive than the giant Monster cans I get every day. It's a matter of necessity at this point.

Fucking fuckety fuck. OK, maybe I'll give this another go starting next week.

PS: I'm really upset with Blogger because last night, in the tags section, I put "Mandatory Metallica" something like five or eight times. It let me do it in the draft, but when I published it, it deleted all except for one. So yeah. I said it a lot more last night than you read. If I die tomorrow, please remember that I did that last night. Tell your kids so they can tell their grandkids, etc. It might be my only claim to immortality.