GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #888: INDECISIVE DRIVERS

 Fuck. I got sick again. So I don't know how I'll figure out the numbering thing yet, but I shall.

Anyway.

Yeah, it's going to be Goodnight, Fuckers: The Pet Peeve Edition again. Because I can't fucking stand drivers who are indecisive. That's bad enough as it is, but the true crime of these people are not staying the course whenever they make a decision. They will change course at the last fucking second, and all drivers in their vicinity can go fuck themselves with a firehose.

The worst offenders are those who get into a turn lane, then suddenly realize this is not the correct turn, so they shove back off into traffic, nearly avoiding someone like me plowing into their rear bumper. It's a crime almost worse than jaywalking.

People think I'm joking about jaywalkers. I'm not. I believe that you should be punished with up to five years for each instance. Harsh? Nope. These are people who are fully willing to jump into the street and expect you to stop, even if you're merely ten feet away. I think public execution Judge Dredd style would work for me, but I don't think anyone else sees things that way, so I'll settle for five years in the isocubes, creep.

Indecisive drivers should get ten years, though. They're making traffic hell for the rest of us who know what we're doing. If you make a shitty call, then stick to it. You can always turn around or make the block. It's time consuming, but it's also YOUR fuck up, not mine. Cutting in front of me is what gets you the extra five years jaywalkers wouldn't get in my ideal society.

Don't get me started on people who can't possibly bring themselves to go the speed limit, especially if the speed limit is 45. There's a stretch of Lake St. I take to work every day. It's 45 mph down there, but I usually go 60. Unless, of course, I'm unlucky enough to be behind someone who thinks the speed limit is 35. Or 30. Or once 25. I want to mount a bullhorn to my car so I can scream out of it, "IT'S FORTY-FUCKING-FIVE MILES AN HOUR! GO FORTY-FUCKING-FIVE MILES PER HOUR IMMEDIATELY!"

I guess I started myself on that one. Fuck. Enough with the anger. Time to settle down and go to sleep. Goodnight, fuckers.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #649: A SCOURGE ON SOCIETY

 I know I'm going to lose a lot of you on this one, but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. I don't really care about a lot of crime. If I found out a friend of mine murdered someone, I would ask why before making any judgments. I clearly have no problem with illegal drug use. I think theft is sometimes OK. There are only a handful of crimes that I consider inexcusable, like child rape, for example, or running for US president.

But I do think a crime that almost everyone dismisses should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, and that's jaywalking. It's a fucking scourge on society.

In a residential area? Go ahead. In an industrial area? It's probably fine to do it. But in a city with real traffic? I think you should do jailtime for this.

Jaywalking in a place where there is a lot of car traffic is not just dangerous for the jaywalker, but it's also fucking inconsiderate of those around that person. In most places if a pedestrian steps out into the street, it's the law for motorists to stop for them. Punishable by a fine at the very least if you don't. There are crosswalks for pedestrian crossing, goddammit. Can't you fucking wait until you get to one? Or do you feel the prickish need to ruin someone else's day? Is traffic too good for these people trying to drive to work or home or perhaps even the ER? Do you only care about yourself?

Jaywalking is a self-centered act. Jaywalkers are pricks who expect the world to revolve around themselves and no one else. When you jaywalk, you're indicating to everyone around you that you're much more important than anyone else. When you jaywalk, you're holding a middle finger to civilized society.

No, I haven't had sex in a while. Why do you ask?