I can't say it enough. The world is a fuckin' strange place. I don't know how the rest of you handle existence with such restraint and, sometimes, boredom. I am never bored, and I constantly feel like I'm on a roller coaster with no seatbelts, all because of the sheer lunacy of mere life.
A Koro, by the way, is a tortoise. The syndrome I'm about to explain is named after it because of a tortoise's head retreating into its shell. This will make sense in a moment.
Several African countries have been in a state of panic recently because, well, I . . . there's no other way to say it, so I'm just going to say it. Penis thieves are running rampant, and everyone is scared shitless that they're going to be next.
I swear I am not making this up. It sounds like something I'd create to mess with you guys, but I promise this is not my invention. I can't tell you how many news stories there are about Koro because, just to remind you, I'm not joking about this. This is a very real thing, and a lot of people in Africa are worried that it will happen to them.
The idea is, you could just be going about your day when someone touches you. It could be a handshake. It could be someone touching your shoulder. Or maybe someone accidentally bumps into you. And then BLAMMO. Your cock is gone. Or it's shriveled so much that you can barely see it.
As a man, I can confirm that's a scary thought. Genital injury sticks out for us. Like, for example, if someone in a movie gets their penis hurt in some way, we will always remember that scene, even if we've forgotten the rest of the movie. Ben Stiller's zipper from There's Something About Mary is forever burned into my brain. I can't think of Cemetery Man without thinking about THAT SCENE. Even something small, like Bill Pullman getting his nutsack nailed to a chair in Serpent and the Rainbow, is very, very memorable for us.
TL;DR: yes, a vanishing or shriveling dick is very scary for those of us who have them. All the same, when I'm going about my day and someone touches me, whether it's a handshake, a touch on the shoulder or an accidental bump, my first impulse is never to turn on that person and demand that they give me my cock back.
But apparently in Africa this is somewhat of a common response. And it's not just a recent development. Almost 20 years ago, the Congo had a similar issue. And it apparently goes back further than that, across not just centuries but millennia. And as funny as this has seemed so far, penis theft has very real consequences. Such thieves have been arrested, sure, but a few of them HAVE BEEN LYNCHED. Very real violence has stemmed from this ridiculous notion.
There are one of two things happening here. Either these penises have actually been purloined (get it?), or the victims are lying. The case for the former is very hard--difficult--to prove, as these members are always restored to their owners afterward. The case of the latter is rife with possibilities.
I find it difficult to believe that not one single solitary person, when confronted with accusations of penis theft, said, "Oh yeah? Prove it. Let's see your lack-of-dick right now."
This situation brings to mind the witch trials of old, or more recently, the McCarthyism bullshit from back in the day. The only reason I can think of for this shit running rampant is the same reason anyone accused someone of being a witch or a Communist: I dislike you and want you gone forever from society, so I'm going to make up this thing about you and let violence take its course.
Long story short, if I ever meet Elon Musk, I'm going to let him shake my hand (which I will not stinkpalm, like I did Ollie North), and then I'm going to scream that he's stolen my penis. As a South African, I'm sure he'll understand and will be struck with the requisite amount of horror at the knowledge of what is about to befall him. Penis snatching is a serious offense,
