GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #840: THE MAYBERRY MINUTEMEN

 

When you're in the hospital, you're at the mercy of the TV gods. I'm kind of surprised I didn't get any M*A*S*H in. I almost always do. And no Gunsmoke, either. Very odd. But thankfully the hospital gets a few good channels: TVLand, Comedy Central, AMC and FX. I was usually stuck with The Office, which I've seen a million times and is somehow still good, but not even Comedy Central can show it 24/7.

So I lucked out with some Andy on TVLand. It may come as a surprise to a lot of people, but I like The Andy Griffith Show. Well, let me rephrase. I like all but the final season of tAGS, the one without Don Knotts. For some reason unfathomable to me, that last season focused on all the morality lessons everyone remembers the show for. Before that season, the morals were kind of fucked. Like, never tell anyone the truth if it's going to hurt their feelings. That's a major theme with those early seasons. Maybe they needed to lean on something else since Barney was no longer in Mayberry. I give Don Knotts a lot of grief, but he really was good as Barney. Better than good, supreme. He did such a good job that I'm sure there are people to this day who think he wasn't acting, that he really is like that, Mr. Furley not withstanding.

Anyway, one of my favorite episodes came on while I was in the hospital, the one where the kids have a new teacher. She does things a little different from the old teacher, and it's driving Opie crazy. At breakfast he tells his dad that history homework is too hard for him, and Andy makes the mistake of saying that he never had a head for history. He says that as long as Opie does the best he can honestly do, then he'd be proud of his son regardless of the outcome.

At this point Barney can't wait to tell everyone that he was an A++++++ history student. When Andy tests him on the Emancipation Proclamation, Barney does everything he can do to get out of answering the question EXCEPT answering it.

Regardless, Opie ignores the part about doing his best and misinterprets what Andy actually told him. When he's called on by the teacher the next day, he digs in his heels and tells her that his dad said he didn't have to do his history homework. A few other boys in class join his cause, which understandably angers the teacher. She then goes to visit Andy at his office and reads him the Riot Act.

Andy doesn't even attempt to try to explain what actually happened. Instead he feels lower than whale shit and then tricks the boys into becoming avid history fans.

I'm sure by now you've figured out why this episode appeals to me so much. Unlike Barney I'm not going to tell you I was an A+++++ history student. I got Bs and Cs in school. But I love the fuck out of history. So much crazy shit has happened over the course of known history (to say nothing of delicious speculation as to what happened during the time when history is lost to us!) I find it impossible to believe that people don't think history is interesting. Why isn't the entire country made up of people like Andy's Mayberry Minutemen?

The fault is with school, unfortunately. Teachers do a difficult enough job without me piling more shit on them, but the way history is taught is atrocious. Historical figures are just that. They're not people. They never lived and breathed because we're not supposed to understand them as people. But before they were a bunch of words in stolid history books, they *were* people. People who picked their noses. Who didn't know everything. Who sometimes did the best they could and sometimes did the worst they could on purpose.

I remember I was in college reading a Graham Swift novel for a postmodernism class when I saw him do the history/his story thing. That was the first time I'd seen that, and it opened up the world to me. History should be taught like a STORY, not a series of names and dates and acts to be memorized. When Andy convinces the kids that history is actually fun, he describes it as a story with characters and plot. That gets the kids' engines running, and the next thing their teacher knows, they're fighting each other over who gets to explain the founding of Jamestown.

There's another thing teachers do that gets in the way, but I'm not going to get too much into it. I already said my piece, but the other thing is that American institutions want history to be taught ideally. What I mean is, they want America's kids to grow up to be productive members of society, and it's helpful if they just believe a bunch of comfortable lies instead of learning what may have actually happened. You already know my opinion of that kind of thing. The most common example being, hey, Thomas Jefferson! What a genius! Can you imagine what this country would be like without his guidance? And he was the third president of the country! Completely ignoring that the man who said all men are created equal owned slaves and fathered at least one child with a slave. Just knowing that is enough to fuck a lot of people up. So perhaps we shouldn't introduce the idea that the sex might not have been consensual, at least until they get their head around that first part.

Most of what I learned about history is stuff I had to unlearn because it was bullshit stuffed into my head in an attempt to make me into an obedient taxpayer. If you want to see an example of how history *should* be taught, check out Hardcore History. But you knew I'd say that. You've been reading these things for quite a while.

Goodnight, you lovely fuckers.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #714: I WANT TO BELIEVE

 I'm a sucker for aliens, and seeing as how UFOs (or whatever they're calling them these days) are big in the news right now, it's kind of cool being me for a little bit. For the record, I do believe in aliens. As to whether or not they've visited us? I'm up in the air on that. I'm pretty sure they haven't. But it's starting to look like I might have been wrong about that last part.

My favorite podcast, hands down, is Hardcore History, and I get Dan Carlin's Substack. In the most recent one he talks about aliens. It's a weird topic for him if you've listened to as many HH episodes as I have. And it took me a while for me to realize why he was talking about aliens and UFOs, etc. And it really blew my mind because I'd never thought about it like that before. Here's the passage I'm talking about:

For me, I have my own pet hope if the big alien reveal happens in my lifetime. If extraterrestrial life is real, and if it has indeed been visiting our planet for a very long time, they likely are going to know more about our history than we do. They might have the equivalent of photos, or hi-definition videos of major planetary events. Their “History of the Earth” files would answer questions about our past that we didn't even know to ask. They might even have the capabilities that would allow us to travel back and see the long-gone people and events from centuries or millennia ago. Of course this sounds like the most ridiculous, crazy science fiction fantasy imaginable. Which is why it might blow our minds if in the near future it wasn't science fiction anymore.

HOLY SHIT! The thought that aliens might have footage of our history that WE don't even have makes me feel like this guy right now:

Dammit, Oppenheimer! Not again!

What if the aliens were there on the day Jesus got crucified AND they have video of it? What would you give for hi-def video of the CIVIL FUCKING WAR?! I'm positive aliens did not build the pyramids. I totally believe that slaves did that. But what if aliens have the proof of that?

Please let this be true. I need this to be true. And please let us find out about it before I die. I beg of you, world.

Of course, that's assuming that the aliens aren't interested in doing us like ID4 and Mars Attacks. But even if they do, I might find some comfort in at least seeing a photograph of Aaron Burr before they blast me with their death rays.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #333: MY GOODREADS REVIEW OF COREY TAYLOR'S AMERICA 51

 [What follows is my recent Goodreads review of Corey Taylor's book, AMERICA 51. If you don't know who he is, he is the lead singer of Stone Sour, Slipknot and his new solo project, CMFT. I'm a fan of his music, and I really wish he'd write more books, too. He's written about how the Seven Deadly Sins are character flaws, and there is nothing deadly or sinful about them. He's written about things that piss him off (which is my favorite of his books so far, as I'm 99.9% sure I'll never get that wiffle ball bat to the face). He's written about reconciling his atheism with his belief in the paranormal. This one is his political book about America. In short, buy his book.]

Another excellent book by Corey Taylor. It's shocking how much I identify with him after reading all of his books. I love his bands, but this is where he really shines. When he gets too old to tour (sorry, Rolling Stones) he should write books. He'll probably be a lot more mellow by then, but you never know.

I puzzled over the title for a while. I thought it was a reference to the 50 states with a +1. I heard in an interview, though, that it's a reference to Area 51. Very interesting.

It seems yet again, he and I agree on almost everything. I have heard the phrase "socially liberal and fiscally conservative" often. I used to say that described me perfectly. I'm a middle of the road guy. But the right turned into bootlicking sycophants and turned on their own beliefs in order to support their guy while he committed horrible acts against people who aren't white, who weren't male, who were immigrants, I mean, name it and this scoundrel has done it. The right has pushed me a bit more to the left than I used to be. I'm pretty sure if Trump had gotten that second election, I would have been pushed so far that the left that Bernie Sanders would look left and be utterly shocked to see anyone there.

I've not traveled outside of the US much, but I did go to Ireland once. I was advised even back then, in the year 2000, to tell people I'm Canadian. I knew the brash American abroad stereotype, mostly because stereotypes have some basis in truth. Taylor, too, makes this suggestion to world travelers of the American persuasion. I understand the little white lie. I chose not to take this advice because I wanted to show not all of us are self-entitled scumbags. In my tour group in Ireland, we were mostly made up of a few Americans and a lot of Australians. I hung out with the Australians, and at first, because I was considerably younger than them, they were guarded. They got to like me pretty quickly, and during a historical reenactment of Strongbow's life, I wound up marrying one. I thought I'd surprise her one day by sending a happy anniversary card to her, but I lost her address. The few Irish people we hung out with liked me, too. It turned out that our tour guide was actually Chief O'Brien's sister-in-law. O'Brien is one of my favorite Star Trek characters.

Then there's the Sauce Man story. I gotta say, I have done some stupid things in my life and accidentally hurt someone else. Not physically. Emotionally. That story broke my heart. It brought back all the shame I've felt over the years for my own behavior.

What surprised and pleased me is discovering that Corey Taylor, like myself, loves history. He even uses the same quote I do: "I'm not a historian. I'm a fan of history." It was so uncanny that I had to wonder if someone else said it, and I picked up the phrase subconsciously. And that maybe Taylor did, too. I looked around and there it is! I'll wager Taylor is a fan of Dan Carlin's Hardcore History, just like I am. Although in the chapter titled "Mother, Jugs, Speed, Sacco, and Vanzetti," he does not actually discuss Sacco and Vanzetti. I was kinda disappointed by that. I get that it's a joke, but still. However, he did say he'd be surprised if anyone not from Ohio knew who Salmon P. Chase was without looking him up, and guess what! I *do* know about Chase! I primarily know about him through Gore Vidal's Lincoln. I researched him quite a bit after I finished the book, pleased to find that Vidal was true to history as we know it. I was also sad to see how Chase's daughter Kate turned out in real life.

If I ever meet Taylor--and it's possible, as I tend to meet artists I enjoy--I would love to have a discussion with him about my theory that Alexander Hamilton had it coming, and that Aaron Burr is really the best of all the Founding Fathers. I'm also working on another theory: that Benedict Arnold's treason is actually very understandable. Wrong, definitely, but understandable. I'd like Taylor's thoughts on that.

I've been thinking about that because I like to put myself in other people's shoes when I discover I'm angry or annoyed with them. I try to see their side of things, and I can almost always succeed at that. The only one I can't fit into is Trump. His reasoning is so alien to me that I can't imagine what it's like to be so greedy that you'll let other people die just to line your pockets. But more or less, it helps me understand other people.

That's what the message of this book is really about. Understanding others so that you can learn to get along and make America the place it says it is. Like Taylor, I love this country, and to see greed and hatred and racism and all the other -isms tear us apart like this? Especially on Insurrection Day? I wonder if this is what the Romans felt as Nero did his little dance and fiddle.

Speaking of Insurrection Day, early in the book Taylor suggests that the lunacy isn't as bad as we think because it's usually extremes on both sides of the political spectrum, and they are always loud and belligerent. I used to think that was true, that the real America were scattered about in the middle, or they leaned one way or the other. They weren't extremes. They were normal.

I don't believe this anymore. Every day people are now at each others throats. Neighbors in my own town clash at each other, and they vandalize Trump and Biden signs depending on where they got their "news." But the clincher was on Insurrection Day. Those were regular Americans charging the Capitol. They were rabid and vicious and people died because of them. The very people who complained about BLM protests destroying property proceeded to destroy property in Washington, DC. You know who I didn't see at the Capitol that day? I didn't see Sean Hannity. I didn't see Tucker Carlson. I didn't even see Trump, and it was his own insurrection!

You know who I did see there? Jordan Klepper. I'm not a big fan of his comedy, but it took balls to do what he did there. He walked up to these psychos and asked them questions that they probably didn't want to hear much less answer.

So no, I think this poison has worked like Trickle Down Economics didn't work. The hate trickled down from the higher ups, and it infected the regular people of America. My own grandmother would go crazy whenever I said something negative about Emperor Palp . . . er, Trump.

Speaking of Trickle Down Economics, there is a great chapter about Reagan. I couldn't stand the guy, but I had to give him some credit for being at least presidential. I agree with Taylor that he understood people more than many other presidents. Now if only actors would stop being so political!

That's a joke, by the way. I don't understand why people constantly say, "You're an actor. What do you know about politics?" The very same thing could be turned back on them. "What? You work at 7-Eleven? What do you know about politics?" To be fair, actors have been pretty political for a very long time in this country. John Wilkes Booth, anyone?

There are a couple of points I disagree with. Taylor's take on the death penalty. He's for it and thinks it will make a difference in crime rate if we brought it back to all 50 states. I'm not entirely against the death penalty, but the horrifying fact is that we've sent too many prisoners to their deaths only to find out that some of them were actually innocent. There is a great and terrifying Naked Gun joke on this very subject. Taylor suggests extending the death penalty to sex offenders and violent criminals. The argument could certainly be made for sex offenders to die, especially child rapists. I'm more inclined to lock them up for life because that's not just their crime, it's their behavior. They will certainly do it again, even with chemical castration. It's not about sex with them. It's about power. If they can't use their own equipment, they'll find a broomstick. So I'm on the fence if they should get life sentences or the death penalty. Maybe it would depend on the severity of the crime. But violent criminals? How do we define that? I've done some violent things in my life, so should I be sent to the needle? And there are some murderers who probably wouldn't do it again. They had a bad day, and they flipped out and killed someone. A life sentence in such a case sounds fine to me. But in the case of, say, John Wayne Gacy, whom my state sent to the needle in the 'Nineties? 100%, that guy should have been killed. But we've killed too many innocents. The death penalty is broken. Until we can fix it, I think it should be off the table.

The other issue is guns. I don't like guns, personally. If someone broke into my house, a cop would be here in less than two minutes. The only reason I'd have a gun, ever, is to kill someone. Or maybe myself. I don't think I'd do the latter. I already tried to off myself once, and I don't think I'll ever do it again.

But then I think about the lonely parts of America. Farmland. Miles and miles of it stretching as far as the eye can see and more. If you live in a place like that, and Iowa (Taylor's home state) is mostly filled with places like that, that clouds the issue a bit. So is Illinois, my home state, once you get away from the Chicago suburbs. In a place like this, it might take a police officer a half an hour or more to get to you. It makes perfect sense to have a gun in such cases. A friend of mine who lives on the border between Illinois and Wisconsin, definitely a middle-of-nowhere place, had to defend himself against literal thieves in the night. He had a gun and was able to scare them away. So I see both sides to the argument. Taylor seems to also know that we do need stronger gun control laws. Are you going to hunt deer with an AR-15? And guns really need to be kept out of the hands of people who shouldn't have them. Certain mental issues should prevent people who suffer from them from owning a gun. That probably won't win me many points with a lot of my father's side of the family, but there you go. And just to point it out, I have fired guns. It does give you a thrill to do it, especially if you hit the target. Especially if that target is Tannerite. But I was firing guns in Nevada, where gun registration is more of a suggestion. You don't have to, but if you get into an altercation involving your gun, it would smooth out the investigative process. It boggles the mind.

And I've been writing this for waaaaaay too long. I really need to go out and get something to eat. Suffice it to say, Taylor's an excellent author, and I thoroughly enjoyed this book.