GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #778: HOPE

 I don't live with a lot of hope. I find that hope almost always turns on you, and my philosophy is just to forget it. So I haven't felt it in a while. I go into everything with negative expectations, and I'm rarely disappointed.

So it's weird that I felt hope today. You know how I sometimes get low and talk about how unhappy I am at work? Yesterday I learned I might have an escape hatch. Today, after some close observation, I learned that the escape hatch is almost certain.

For half of my work day I sat in another department, watching how things go there, seeing the kinds of things they have to deal with. And I think I've found my next position at that job. It's not sales (finally), and there's nothing cutthroat about it. If this change happens I'll can stop being in attack mode all the fucking time. It'll be nice to go through one goddam workday without being burned out and watching out for knives with my back's name on them the whole time.

I will even get most of my Saturdays back, which means I CAN HAVE A WEEKEND AGAIN. For the first time since December 2019 I will know what a weekend feels like. The only thing is, they do rotating Saturdays, which means I'll have to work one a month. Considering the alternative, that's pretty fucking good.

Another possible drawback: I might have to work some days in Crystal Lake or Oswego, which are pretty far to go for me here in Elmhurst. For a second I thought I'd have to do that every day, but it looks like that just might be a once in a while kind of thing. I have a couple of brothers in Crystal Lake, and my second stepmom is in Oswego, so maybe that's not entirely bad.

My supervisor wants me to have the job. The supervisor I'd have wants me to have the job. We just have to clear it with the call center boss and the shop boss.

I've been floating on cloud nine all day, and I have not felt like that in many, many years. I feel like I've got a new lease on life, and I'm hoping with everything I've got that I get this new position. I've had a spectacularly bad run of luck for more than ten years at this point. It's Verrill luck. Always in, always bad. But this might just be the thing to finally turn all that shit around.

Fingers crossed.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #127: THINGS ARE LOOKING UP

Remember a while back when I said there was one thing about my life that I didn't like, and I had very little control over changing it? Well, I did what little I could do, and it paid off. I got great news today that will change the quality of my life. I can't talk about it yet, but it doesn't have anything to do with writing. It's a personal life thing, and when I can declare it, you'll be among the first to know. It's very liberating feeling that I actually managed to change something so big, and it went exactly the way I wanted it to go.

Combine that with my new lifestyle change: drinking my dinner. No, I'm not going back to the Red Meat and Whiskey diet (minus the red meat). I've been juicing, and I put together my first drink on Sunday. Tonight was the first time I replaced a meal with it, and I think it's going to go very well. I think I need to add more ginger to the next mix, and then it will be perfect. It tastes great going down, but it leaves a horrible aftertaste. Still, it filled me up, and I'm not hungry five hours later. I think this is going to work out. (Not to mention the fact that I'm back to working out every day, so I'm thinking I'll be dropping some pounds soon.)

I can't really eat fast food due to my gum graft, so I'll be off that for the next few weeks. All I have to do is ditch the caffeine from my diet again. And no more Sierra Mist. Holy shit, I'm fucking wired right now. That drink has some kick to it. I don't know if I'm ever going to bed tonight.

And then there's my writing career. Things are picking up quick. I have so many new releases either out or coming out soon. PAVLOV'S BITCHES is my first self-published Kindle ebook, which is now available. I had stories published in HARDBOILED and M, even though they seem to not be interested in promoting them. A new anthology came out today with my story in it, from Grinning Skull. TRIPLE ZOMBIE from Spanking Pulp, which has a great story by me in it, should be out any day, if it isn't already (I'll have to check on that tomorrow). My long-delayed book with StrangeHouse should be out by Christmas. Plus I went ahead and got myself an Amazon author page, and I revamped my website. Things are going at a frantic pace, and I love it.

I still have a book coming out from Barbarian, hopefully next year. I'm going to start the final draft of my new Jesus novel this week. Not to mention two stories I have to finish up this week, as well.

This GF probably sounds a lot like a dude sucking his own dick, and you're right. It's just that tonight I noticed how well everything is currently going for me. Usually, I'm making a list of shit that is utterly destroying me, like the DUI trial I lost so much time to, even though I won in the end. Like the shit tooth incident (and the implant story, and the gum graft story, and--). How many of you remember the time I had an abscess right next to my dick? Or the mystery illness that sent me to the ER 13 times? Or the king of them all, nearly dying when my pancreas stopped working?

So back off. Let me have this, for fuck's sake. I'm in a good mood, which is a rarity for me. Good holy fuck, do you know what I'm feeling right now?

Happiness.

It won't last long, but I'm going to enjoy it while it's here. Even though I'm not tired, I'm going to bed. See you all tomorrow.