GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #465: THE PERILS OF A DESPERATE NEED TO BE IN AN ANTHOLOGY

 This one's a writing column, so if that doesn't interest you, you can skip this one.

Many years back I fell in with a group of horror writers on a message board. I have zero interactions with them now for a variety of reasons, not just the story I'm about to tell. A couple of them became fairly well known in the community. One of them has become infamous for ripping people off (their money, not their writing). But the message board, like most of them, is long gone. I'm not naming names.

They were doing an anthology. It turned out to be their third, actually, but I didn't know that until later. Back then I was a complete nobody, not just the partial nobody I am today. I'd had a few publications under my belt but nothing serious. The most money I'd made off writing was for getting published in porno mags. It should be noted that those paydays are really fucking good, more than almost any horror story I sold. If you want to make money writing, you should write porn.

Anyway, I desperately wanted to be in that anthology. I felt it in my gonads, I wanted it that bad. So I put together the best horror story I could come up with at the time and sent it to the editor. I can't tell you how badly that reject letter hurt. I'd been in the game for maybe ten years by then, and I thought I was immune to rejection, it had happened so many times. I always put those letters in a box and got the story ready to submit elsewhere within minutes. Water off a duck's back. But that one time, ooh. It was rough.

But I bought the anthology anyway, and it took me until now to read it.

Holy shit, it was bad. The first thing I noticed was the abhorrently shitty formatting, which is bad enough, but the stories were not very good. Almost all of them weren't even decent. A lot of them weren't even stories. They were vignettes, which I'm not a big fan of. I would have been flat out embarrassed to be in this fucking thing.

It did have a cool cover, though.

The lesson I'm trying to impart is that rejection is not just NOT the end of the world, it can sometimes be a god thing. Because I *do* have stories in bad anthologies, and it *does* embarrass me. Don't dwell on these things. Just get ready for the next submission.

One more lesson, and it's a difficult one. Especially today when anthologies are so goddam specific. Like, the story has to happen on a rainy Tuesday in a graveyard on Pluto, or something ridiculous like that. Never write something specifically for one publication. If it gets rejected, what are you going to do? Send it elsewhere? Editors are aware of what's being published out there, and they'll sniff you out quickly even if you do change the story a bit. That will lead to another rejection. There are exceptions. If you are invited to a publication requesting a specific kind of story, go for it. If you're invited, the chances that they'll accept it are higher than usual. The possibility of rejection is still there, so don't get too cocky, but you're probably going to get your story in there.

I've only ever broken this rule once. It was for a GG Allin anthology called BLOOD FOR YOU. I did it because I was reasonably sure I would be accepted not just because I'm friends with one of the editors (even friends will reject you sometimes in this business; don't take it personally, just roll with it and stay friends), but because I had a great story idea. GG Allin looking to score heroin in Leng? It was such an easy story to write that the only thing I was afraid of was that everyone had written one with Allin and Lovecraft. It genuinely surprised me to learn that mine was the only one.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #265: HELP OTHERS

Every once in a while I read a book that is so important that I feel I must do more than just review on Goodreads or Amazon. I feel like I have to post here. BETWEEN THE BRIDGE AND THE RIVER by Craig Ferguson is just such a book. This is my Goodreads review:


I remember when I looked at my to-read list at home, and I saw this book was next, I thought this would be interesting. I like Ferguson as a stand up comic and a late show host. I listen to his XM show on Saturdays. I thought it would be cool to find out how good of a novelist he is.


And then I remembered that this book was located at the bottom of a very tall stack of books. Outside my bedroom, I have an overloaded bookcase with two stacks on top almost to the ceiling. On the right is another book pile, and on the left there are two book piles, almost to the ceiling. I've stacked them as high as I can reach, and I'm a smidge under 6' 2". This book was on the inside stack at the bottom, which means I had to take down both stacks to get to it, which is an incredible undertaking for someone as out of shape as I am. When I finally got the book, I said to it: "You'd better be worth it."


It was. It was worth it times a million. I'm here to tell you, folks, that Craig Ferguson is an incredible novelist. Very honest. Very intelligent. This might even be a work of genius. I love his style.


You know how, when he was a late show host, he would sometimes face the camera in such a close way so it felt like he was talking to you and you alone? This book is kind of like that. It's like having God tell you a bawdy yet meaningful story. He knows everything about all of his characters, no matter how it's necessary to the plot, yet at the same time he uses this to show that everything--EVERYTHING--is connected to everything else.


These characters are amazing. The things they do are wonderful. I even like that in the afterlife, authors are the guides (in particular one guy who popularized cosmic horror).


In the prologue he states: "This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. " I can think of no finer way to put it. To say anything more is criminal. You should discover the wonder for yourself.


This is a beautiful book. Smart. Funny as all hell. And it is even inspiring: "Help others." Spread the word.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #195: SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO DO SOMEDAY

There are two things you should read in order to get anything out of this GF. The first is my favorite GF I've ever done. It's about a picture that always brings me to tears and the tragedy of Audie Murphy. The other is my Forced Viewing review of GODS AND MONSTERS.


I'm not a big fan of fictionalized stories about real life people. I don't care about Edgar Allan Poe hunting serial killers. As far as I'm concerned Lovecraft never faced off against Cthulhu. And so on. You can point fingers at me for writing about the time that GG Allin went on a dream-quest for dope. Or the time I wrote about Doc Holliday stealing Wyatt Earp's body so he could survive TB. That's fair enough. Because I believe there are some exceptions.


My favorite exception is GODS AND MONSTERS. Is that how James Whale spent his last days? Probably not. But it's a wonderful, beautiful, shocking story.


I kinda want to do the same thing for Audie Murphy. The idea of him going crazy while watching a war movie based on his experience in which he plays himself is creatively stimulating. I would love to sink my teeth into something like that. There is so much nuance in a tale like that. There is so much that could be done. It's impossible to resist.


Is there anyone in the world who would be interested in that? I know that not a lot of people know who Audie Murphy is now. Chances are I'd be writing something that only people over 50 would appreciate. But it's something I'd like to do. I know some publishers. Would any of you want to see something like that? Let me know.

C2E2 2013: MEETING MENTON3

Well, technically it’s not Meeting Menton3.  I actually met him at Wizard World Chicago last year.  He went out for a smoke break with Jon Lennon and Leo Perez, and I went outside with them and hung out while listening to him tell a story about hanging out with Johnny Cash during the shooting of the “Hurt” video.  This guy is full of awesome stories about hanging out with famous people.  He even worked with my favorite writer, Joe R. Lansdale.

But it seemed pretty clear that he didn’t remember me.  That’s all right.  How many people does one artist meet over the course of a convention?  I don’t really stand out.  Besides, while most people would call me a loudmouth, I keep my mouth shut when geniuses are talking.  I absorb their stories, and a lot of times, I learn something.  I didn’t say a word while Menton3 told his stories in the smoking area.

This time, I saw him at the 44FLOOD booth.  I asked him if he would mind signing a few books he’d done with Lansdale based on the work of H.P. Lovecraft.  (THE DUNWICH HORROR, as you can see in the picture above.)  As he signed these, he told me that the person who owns the Lovecraft Estate is either a great-grandson or great-nephew of the man himself, I forget which.  However, he said that this guy saw Menton3’s work on this very book, and he said that his ancestor would have very much enjoyed it.  For those who don’t remember, Menton3 did the backup story for each issue, which was based on Lovecraft’s “The Hound.”  You might remember that I featured the book on Cool Shit a few times, and I gushed on about how awesome the artwork for the backup story was, even though the word adaptation was only okay.

To hear that Lovecraft himself would have liked Menton3’s work is perfect.

We also talked a bit about MONOCYTE (which I reviewed as part of my coverage for last year’s Wizard World Chicago, and he mentioned that he was working on a new book for IDW called MEMORY COLLECTORS.  I don’t even have to see it to recommend it.  Keep an eye out.  You can bet your ass I’ll be among the first to buy it.