HEY FUCKERS #9: SOME OBSERVATIONS ON LAST NIGHT'S TELEVISION PROGRAMS

Most of you know I'm not a fan of baseball, or any other sport for that matter. In all actuality, when I was a kid, I dug it. I actually played the game and was fairly good at it, but that was before I discovered that I loved eating McDonald's every day more than playing sports. However, there is one thing I'm really good at knowing about when it comes to sports: drinking stories. My favorite sports drinking story is the amazing saga that was Ten Cent Beer Night. It is also widely known that wrestler Andre the Giant was a prolific boozehound. And then there's Wade Boggs. How many beers did he actually take down during this wondrous cross-country trip? We may never know. Reports vary. But I'd be a liar if I told you that every time I get on a plane, I don't salivate at the idea of attempting to match his record.


I'm so glad this was the topic of last night's IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA. Those guys knew exactly how to handle it, too. There's no way I could ever achieve this level of drunkenness, due to my brush with pancreatitis-caused death. Just thinking about it makes my insides twitch. But at least I got to live vicariously through last night's episode, the perfect beginning to a new season.


MAN SEEKING WOMAN is a new show that follows SUNNY. Since I wasn't done with my beer yet (hey, I don't have to cut alcohol out of my life ENTIRELY, now), I gave it a shot. It's a pretty funny comedy, and I love its dedication to overly-symbolic storytelling. However, I don't see how the show can last. It's fine for short term projects, but after a few episodes, it's probably going to fall apart. I don't see how they're going to keep making it work, but I look forward to finding out.


Lastly, there's AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAK SHOW. I should warn you that this portion contains spoilers, so if you haven't seen last night's episode, you might want to skip the rest of this. I would say that this season is by far the best they've ever done, and I love how things are wrapping up, especially with Dandy buying the freak show, finally getting what he's wanted since the first episode. However, there is one part of this season that bugs me: a lot of characters speak with an accent, but very few of the actors can actually perform that accent. It drives me up the wall.


But last night, I discovered something else I didn't like about this season, and I'm sorry to say that it's Neil Patrick Harris's character, Chester. First of all, it's a bad sign to introduce a character so late into the story. Secondly, his arc only lasts for two episodes, which is another bad sign. Lastly, there is no reason for Chester to exist in the story. His only purpose is to make things weirder on the show, and believe me, the other characters have that down without NPH's help. What effects does he have on the story? Very little. He fucks Bette and Dot, which is pretty cool, but another character could have done that. He also kills Maggie by sawing her in half. That's also cool, but again, another character could have done that. I suspect that NPH came along and asked if he could be on the show, and the producers asked the writers to fit him in somewhere. I like the guy, but he sticks out like a sore thumb in this story. I'm just glad he's out of the way so AHS: FS reaches its natural conclusion.


I hope.

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY ON FX

Where were you when the Japanese invaded Pearl Harbor? What were you doing when JFK was assassinated? Where were you when the World Trade Center was attacked on 9/11? These questions are unimportant. What you should be asking yourself is, where were you when Mac banged Dennis’ mom?



IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA begins its sixth season on FX Network at 9:00 pm central time. If you’re not there every Thursday, you are probably a moral, upstanding citizen. In other words, boring.


Mac, Dennis, Charlie, Dee, and Frank are the most immoral, vile, lower-than-whale-shit, back-stabbing, filthy, insane, obnoxious, exploitative, insincere, and untruthful characters you’re likely to run across on any television show in history, and that includes THE SOPRANOS and FAMILY GUY. Yet, because of these overwhelming flaws, they are very delightful to watch. It’s fun to see them hatch these incredibly empty-headed, enterprising schemes, and to stare in disbelieve as everything falls apart because of their shortsightedness, their infighting, and their ADD, to say nothing of the fact that all of them are certifiable sociopaths.


It’s almost Machiavellian, except without exception, their plans end in misery and them getting their come-uppance. Still, no matter how spectacularly awry their plans go for themselves, it seems that those around them suffer exponentially more. Take poor Rickety-Cricket, for example. When he first appears on the show, he is a priest, happy in his vocation. With his last appearance, he has devolved so far that he’s homeless, insane, and missing every other tooth in his head, all because of the gang.


A few people escape this formula.  The McPoyles, for example, manage to escape the gang's black-hole of disaster, but only because they are more disgusting than Mac and company.  There is also a lawyer who seems to always benefit from their failures.  But that's about it, really.


No, this isn’t a masturbation fest for those wishing misery on others. That would be too easy. To truly enjoy this show, you must have a heart. You must feel pain every time the gang comes up with a new scheme, or you’ll never be able to give yourself the inevitable face-palm.


And it’s okay to chuckle. You’ll feel guilty about it later, but it’s good for you. Tune in, get the DVD’s, and enjoy.


IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
FX Network
9:00 pm central, every Thursday