GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #338: MATT DILLON, US MARSHAL AND PRANKSTER IN CHIEF

 So tonight was the season 16 finale of GUNSMOKE. For those not playing along, I picked my favorite western TV shows years ago, and I decided I would watch each episode on the 50th anniversary of each air date. Since Gunsmoke aired for 20 years, it's the only one I have left. I have expressed my joy over this show many times, and especially over James Arness as Matt Dillon, US Marshal. But let's get kinda weird.

Many years ago I read James Arness's autobiography. This was back when he was still alive, and I even have a signed photo of him. My favorite scenes from the earliest episodes were when he was giving a monologue at Boot Hill, lamenting terrible decisions made by misled people he had to kill. That's the picture I got signed of his.

But reading that autobiography helped me realize that he was a clown at heart. He wanted to make people laugh, and that doesn't line up with his best known character. Matt Dillon laughed at a lot of things, mostly Doc versus Chester or Doc versus Festus. But he never instigated the laughs, which Arness always did.

My favorite story is when they were filming the opening for all the early shows. Matt Dillon was supposed to face up against the fabled Man in Black, and while the Man in Black always fired first, Matt Dillon always fired last . . . and killed his quarry. But while they filmed that scene that would grace at least ten years of the show, James Arness pretended to be shot by that Man in Black and die. Just for the laugh. Seeing the pictures in his autobiography made me laugh myself into a hernia.

Why mention this tonight? Well, at the end of this season of Gunsmoke they showed a thing called Ben and Becky Talk Gunsmoke Season 16. Ben wrote a book about Gunsmoke. Beckey wrote a book about Miss Kitty. They discussed their favorite season 16 episodes. And then they started talking about how the Gunsmoke actors were like family.

After 20 years, they had to be. Granted, only Dillon and Doc were the sole characters throughout the show, but still. Kitty made it to the second to last season. Chester and Festus could break it up in the middle. Quint Asper wasn't as big as people thought, and Thad and Newly couldn't hold a candle to the others, but still. Ben and Beckey talked about the scenes that were my favorites. I loved when Doc got a bug up his ass, and he had to verbally battle either Chester or Festus. Those were the best. When everyone was busting each others' balls.

And it turned out that the Gunsmoke family was actually centered around these scenes, per Ben and Beckey. They were all professionals, but they loved screwing with each other during those scenes. In particular James Arness. He'd mess with Milburn Stone, who would go after either Chester or Festus, and then Kitty would crack up, etc. It all seemed to start with James Arness.

A lot of people, even Hunter S. Thompson, a hero of mine, would say that Arness as Matt Dillon would beat the shit out of anyone to get what he needed, but that wasn't true. Matt Dillon always had a sense of fairness about him. The people he beat the shit out of always had it coming. Kind of like Dirty Harry. Harry kicked the shit out of a lot of people, but none of them were ever innocent. And Dillon was no bigot. He treated all races equally. Can you say the same thing about the generation who wrote the character?

James Arness was a surfer. He played guitar on Venice with a bunch of youths. He was not the John Wayne character most associated him with. He was a laid back guy. Like me. He loved playing pranks on people. Like me. He loved to fuck with people who thought life was a certain way when it actually wasn't. Like me. Sorry.

It's this trickster persona that I would like to think about tonight. I have a lot of months to wait before the seventeenth season of Gunsmoke begins . . .

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #15: RIP JAMES GARNER

Many of you who have known me for a while are aware of this: PREACHER is my favorite comic book of all time, but I got more fun out of HITMAN. What you might not know is this: my favorite Western TV show is GUNSMOKE, but I got more fun out of MAVERICK.


Let me shift for a moment. Not a lot of people know this, but MAVERICK creator Roy Huggins, who also co-created THE ROCKFORD FILES, was fond of saying that James Rockford is a direct descendant of Bret Maverick, and it totally makes sense. Sometimes, I wish Rockford would tell Angel (or any of his other friends/acquaintances) about things his grand(-grand)-pappy might have said.


All of that said, I'm almost certain that everyone who knows me now has no idea how much influence James Garner has had on my life. Maverick and Rockford are huge ingredients in my personality. I don't even know where to begin with this.


Let's start with cowardice. I can't tell you how many people I've casually admitted my cowardice to. Bret Maverick (and Brother Bart) did this on a routine basis. Here's the thing, though: none of the Mavericks were cowards, and neither am I. It's just that we hate violence.


Hold on a minute! You all know, through my fiction, that I depict a lot of horrible, psychotic violent scenes in my fiction. I'm sorry, but that's the way of the world. Personally, I abhor violence, just like the Mavericks. I am a pussy-hair away from being a pacifist. But the problem is this: violence exists, whether I abhor it or not. Like the Mavericks, I will resort to it . . . but only if I have to. Unfortunately for them, it's happened a lot. For me, I haven't struck anyone out of rage for more than twenty years. I still feel guilty about that last incident, because I heard that guy hasn't been the same since. It makes me sick to my stomach. But I had to do it, or someone I loved would be hurt even worse.


I'm also kind of mercenary when it comes to money. Maybe I learned that one from my father, because he's much the same way. Regardless, I have done quite a few things that went against my nature for monetary gain, just like the Mavericks and Rockford.


Like Maverick, I have siblings. Bret only had Bart (and there were cousins, but never mind that). In all actuality, my brothers and I have more in common with the Earps. Most of us look the same. Take a look at the Earps and try to point out Wyatt. Try to point out Virgil. Try to point out Morgan. Try to separate me from Dan or Alex or even Bob. (Frankie and Rachael look different from us, mostly because they had different parents. I love them both, but I've only seen them in person a few times, and on each time, they gave me the impression that they could handle anything that came their way. My father and Ann--my stepmother--really did a good job of raising them. My own mother and Bill--my stepfather--were fucked in the head. I loved Mom, but she was never ready to raise kids.) Here's the thing: if any of my brothers got into a fix, I'd let them figure it out for themselves. How many times did Bret abandon Bart to figure his own shit out? Even if Bret caused the aforementioned shit? At the same time, if it was really ugly, something beyond the respective siblings' abilities, Bret would step in and help. Just like me with my brothers. Whenever something happened with them, I'd feel an initial rage, but I knew that they could handle it themselves. If there was something (and there never was) that they couldn't handle, I'd handle it for them.


Rockford shared a lot of these qualities with his ancestors. I'm sure you don't need further explanation from me. You get the picture.


A lot of my friends say that they don't like westerns. It's all the same shit, and for the most part, they're right. For the wrong reasons, because they're blinded by the stereotypes, but still. For them, I recommend MAVERICK. The Mavericks were so unconventional for their time it was ridiculous. It was a western show where the leads were self-professed cowards who used their minds to thwart their enemies instead of quick-draws. They didn't even drink booze. Ask a common person what they think of when they think of westerns, and in the top five is whiskey.


I don't have any enemies today, but the ones I used to have? I never threatened violence. I always outsmarted them. That's the greatest lesson anyone can learn from the Mavericks. If you want to kick someone's ass, don't do it. Just fuck 'em over with your mental or social skills. That will work 100% of the time. No kidding. I've exercised this a lot of times AND IT WORKS.


A lot of my friends say they hate crime shows. It's all the same shit, and for the most part, they're right. For the wrong reasons, because they're blinded by the stereotypes, but still. For them, I recommend THE ROCKFORD FILES. Rockford, like his ancestors, was very unconventional. Given the choice between fighting crime and relaxing while eating tacos? He'd always choose the latter, even though the former would get him some money to survive. The guy lived in a trailer on the beach, for fuck's sake. For the most part, he had to come to a decision between hanging out with women he wanted to fuck or hanging out with his father, expertly played by Noah Beery, Jr. That's how most of his days went. (For those who didn't watch the show: he always chose his father.)


James Garner played regular guys, not superheros like Matt Dillon or whoever the fuck is in charge of LAW AND ORDER. That's why I identify with his characters over anyone else in Hollywood. Watch his episodes of MAVERICK. When he deals with dumb fucks or idiots of any variety, watch him. You'll know exactly how I would respond to the same dumb fucks and idiots. I recently watched an episode of MAVERICK with him in it that I hadn't seen before, and I literally--AND I MEAN LITERALLY--finished his sentences.


Wow. This went on for too long. Didn't mean that. I just meant to say that I'm sad Garner is gone. Did you know that Efrem Zimbalist Jr. died a couple of months ago? Neither did I, until today. I don't know why a big deal wasn't made about Zimbalist's death, because he was--once upon a time--an incredible actor. More importantly, he was one of the biggest villains/friends of Bret Maverick. He played Dandy Jim Buckley, who worked with the Mavericks several times but who always had his own motives. Sometimes, Dandy Jim won. Which is ridiculous for a Western back then. How could the good guy lose? Well, sometimes the Mavericks came up short, despite the well of knowledge Pappy left for them.


I like to think that James Garner found Jack Kelly in the afterlife, and that they're working together to bilk the devil for all he's worth. And I desperately hope the devil is really Zimbalist. Come on, he's got the perfect voice for it.


*sigh* All right. I'll go to bed. Goodnight, fuckers.













Are they gone? Good. This one is only for James Garner: rest in peace. You were great, and for the most part, you were underrated. Time will tell for you. If there's a motherfucker out there who disagrees, they're wrong. If they don't want to look into Bret Maverick or Jim Rockford, there is always SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHERIFF and SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL GUNFIGHTER. Those will change their mind.


Seriously, though. Thank you, James Garner. Without you, I wouldn't be the man I am today.








To those of you who have read this far, here's a bonus. My TV Western hero was James Arness as Matt Dillon on GUNSMOKE. He died not too long ago, and here's my tearful goodbye to him.
























You might also wonder why I led this piece with a picture of POKER ACCORDING TO MAVERICK. If you want to know the truth, I'm a really good poker player because of this book. At one point I decided to become a professional poker player, but I was too afraid of the slapdash lifestyle, so after winning about $3,000 at it, I chickened out. I mention this because I feel I would be lying if I didn't. But I saved it for last (and put it so far down in the piece) that I didn't think anyone would see it. Therefore, if I got involved in a poker game, no one would know about this . . . unless they paid attention to this. And who the fuck is actually still reading this? To those of you who have gotten this far, goodnight. Not fuckers. Goodnight, friends.
























You're still here? I'm glad. Thank you for reading this far. Here is the real emotion of what has happened. I'm crying my eyes out right now. Maverick and Rockford were heroes to me, and I can't stop the flood from my eyes. It is a bold reminder of my own mortality.


Goodbye, James Garner.

EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #3: THE END OF AN ERA: GOODBYE, JAMES ARNESS

“I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor—even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero—that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts, I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun.”



Bill Hicks said that, and these immortal words are on my wall at home, just over my bed, reminding me of my own mission in life every day when I wake up, every night when I go to bed. These words bring me comfort in times like this, when one of my heroes has died.


You may have known him from any number of movies, like HONDO, THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD, THEM!, GUN THE MAN DOWN, BIG JIM MCLAIN, and a few others, but you definitely knew him as Matt Dillon, US Marshal, on the long-running television series, GUNSMOKE. And two weekends ago, he passed away at the age of 88.


I don’t have many heroes, but Matt Dillon was one of them, and Arness played him for more than 20 years. In fact, last decade was the first since the show started to be completely without new GUNSMOKE. It started as a radio show in the ‘Fifties, and in 1955, it made the transition to TV. It went on until 1975, and then in the ‘Eighties, it came back as a television movie. Several more movies followed through to the ‘Nineties.


LAW AND ORDER almost beat it out at 19 years before it got canceled. No other show has even touched this record.


As the story goes, John Wayne, the man who first noticed Arness, had to talk his protégé into taking the job as Matt Dillon because Arness wanted to be a movie actor. He felt that a television role would limit his career. So the Duke got him drunk and got him to sign the contract, and it was a good thing, too. GUNSMOKE made his career rather than limited it, and he didn’t regret a single day. Up until his death two weekends ago, he talked about his love of GUNSMOKE on his website, and in his last missive, he mentioned his favorite episode, the one starring Ricardo Montalban as Chato.


Arness was the last of the original stars of GUNSMOKE to leave us. Milburn Stone, as Doc, was the first, followed by Miss Kitty herself, Amanda Blake. Dennis Weaver, Chester, passed on not too long ago. And now James Arness. A while ago, he held a contest. What does Matt Dillon mean to you? The prize was a phone call from him to discuss GUNSMOKE. I entered (and lost), but I thought now would be an appropriate time to bring it up. Here is my essay, and I hope you enjoy it. This is what it means, to me, to be Matt Dillon:


As we stood in a rough circle under the hot summer sun, we debated who would get to play what character.


“I want to be Dirty Harry,” a friend said.


“Okay, but I get to be Rambo,” said my cousin.


“You can have those guys. I want to be the Terminator.”


It came around to me, and I informed them I wanted to be Matt Dillon, U.S. Marshal. It remains true to this very day.


We spent the afternoon playing war games with leaking water pistols, and as far as most were concerned, anything went. It was okay to shoot someone in the back, but I didn’t do that because Marshal Dillon wouldn’t. It was fine to call an opponent’s mother obscene names, but I didn’t because Marshal Dillon wouldn’t. Racial and homophobic epithets were considered fair game, but I didn’t partake because Marshal Dillon wouldn’t. Wild, epic shootouts were started at the drop of a hat, but I always tried to settle it peaceably and take prisoners instead, because Marshal Dillon never liked sending men to Boot Hill.


As all kids do, I grew up, and at the age of twenty-seven, I still try to be Marshal Dillon, because he is the quintessential good guy. Yes, be tough, but a part of being tough is also being fair. Never kick a guy when he’s down, and never stab him in the back. Women are to be treated with respect, even if they are owners of saloons. Never judge a book by its cover. Everyone gets a fair trial, no matter what the popular opinion is.


My childhood friends grew up and lost their fantasies, but the kid who wanted to be Matt Dillon still lives and follows the ideal down the dusty trail towards the setting sun.


Back to the present.  I’m thirty-two now. Take a look at the top of this article, where I quote Bill Hicks. For those who don’t know, Hicks was one of the foulest, most-profane stand-up comedians in history, and I loved him for it. But do those words sound like they come from someone dedicated to offending the world just for the sake of making it a more miserable place? I’m not the first to quote these lines from REVELATIONS, though. Garth Ennis borrowed these words for the final issue of PREACHER, and for all of that book’s sheer insanity, it is a very moral tale. As Jesse Custer’s father says, “You gotta’ be one of the good guys, son, because there’s way too many of the bad.”


And for all of my bad craziness, degenerate behavior, abrasive attitude, and general obscenity, I am a very moral man. Without Matt Dillon, I don’t think I would be.


Jesus Christ, as I’m writing this, I’m blubbering like a baby. I didn’t even know Mr. Arness. But I knew Matt Dillon, and I knew that the two shared a lot in common. After he retired, he dedicated his life to helping those with cerebral palsy. Anyone who wanted an autograph could have one, provided they donated to this cause. In fact, everything on sale at his website goes toward this charity.


We’re not going to see the likes of James Arness again. Though a handful of other stars from the Golden Era of television still live today, none could hold a candle to Arness. This is truly the end of an era.


Goodbye, James Arness.

UPDATE:  One of my routines was to check out James Arness' website every week to check out his regular feature, "Greeting from Jim."  I figured that since he was gone, I'd read his final message to us.  Lo! and behold!  He wrote one last letter to his fans in the event of his death.  Check it out.  He was a class act, up until the very end.