GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #408: MY LITERARY ESTATE

 I've had my literary estate for close to a decade, and much to my shock and horror, the older I get, the more I change it. You'd think that would be a straightforward thing, but it keeps changing, and I have to continue to get trusted friends to witness me signing these things. There are three groups that I switch out on that task so they don't get annoyed with doing this all the time.

Is that weird? That my literary estate keeps changing? I don't know, honestly. And it's not about the people involved. It's just that the circumstances of my life keep changing drastically often. It's so bad that I recently rewrote everything, but before I got anyone to witness my signatures, I had to change it again. I did some editing when I got home from work tonight. I'm a bit concerned that I'll have to change it again before *this* one gets signed. What the fuck?

It's also my changing attitudes. I used to think that if a work was close to being finished, it would be nice if, after my death, someone else finished it. I'm no longer of that opinion. When I'm dead there will be an entry on three (3) thumb drives (I used to think a redundancy plan was enough, but now I need two, just in case) called IN THE EVENT OF MY DEATH which will contain the only things I want out in the world. Finished things. I used to think Harlan Ellison was crazy for wanting all his unfinished work to be burned after his death. But then again, think about how many works are finished posthumously by other authors, and think about how a majority of them suck. Or even worse, a publisher decides to continue publishing works under a dead author's name but written by someone else entirely. I'm not into that.

I wouldn't necessarily say burn my unfinished work. I'm just asking to not have it finished. I'd rather not have my name co-opted, either. I doubt anyone wants to take advantage of someone so low on the totem pole as me, but I can't help but think of Bob Ross. Who would want someone to do that to them? Not me.

Ultimately I think the executor of my literary estate will not have much to do. I'd rather it be that way. It's a hell of a thing to put on someone else, and I don't want to be a burden when I'm not even alive anymore. The big things are taking care of the completed works in that folder I mentioned. Also, posting my last words on Facebook and Twitter.

And yeah. I wrote one final Goodnight, Fuckers to be posted after my death. You know my love of all things Gunsmoke. Every week James Arness, the guy who played Matt Dillon, US Marshal, would write a letter to his fans which was posted on his website. But as he got up in years, he knew he wouldn't be around much longer, so he wrote one last letter to his fans. When he passed, his wife posted it. I teared up while reading it.

Maybe it'll have that kind of effect on you. I hope so. If I die before you, you'll find out all about it.

So yeah. Goodnight, fuckers. As my grandfather used to say, "Sweet dreams, pleasant dreams and all that kinda gas."

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #338: MATT DILLON, US MARSHAL AND PRANKSTER IN CHIEF

 So tonight was the season 16 finale of GUNSMOKE. For those not playing along, I picked my favorite western TV shows years ago, and I decided I would watch each episode on the 50th anniversary of each air date. Since Gunsmoke aired for 20 years, it's the only one I have left. I have expressed my joy over this show many times, and especially over James Arness as Matt Dillon, US Marshal. But let's get kinda weird.

Many years ago I read James Arness's autobiography. This was back when he was still alive, and I even have a signed photo of him. My favorite scenes from the earliest episodes were when he was giving a monologue at Boot Hill, lamenting terrible decisions made by misled people he had to kill. That's the picture I got signed of his.

But reading that autobiography helped me realize that he was a clown at heart. He wanted to make people laugh, and that doesn't line up with his best known character. Matt Dillon laughed at a lot of things, mostly Doc versus Chester or Doc versus Festus. But he never instigated the laughs, which Arness always did.

My favorite story is when they were filming the opening for all the early shows. Matt Dillon was supposed to face up against the fabled Man in Black, and while the Man in Black always fired first, Matt Dillon always fired last . . . and killed his quarry. But while they filmed that scene that would grace at least ten years of the show, James Arness pretended to be shot by that Man in Black and die. Just for the laugh. Seeing the pictures in his autobiography made me laugh myself into a hernia.

Why mention this tonight? Well, at the end of this season of Gunsmoke they showed a thing called Ben and Becky Talk Gunsmoke Season 16. Ben wrote a book about Gunsmoke. Beckey wrote a book about Miss Kitty. They discussed their favorite season 16 episodes. And then they started talking about how the Gunsmoke actors were like family.

After 20 years, they had to be. Granted, only Dillon and Doc were the sole characters throughout the show, but still. Kitty made it to the second to last season. Chester and Festus could break it up in the middle. Quint Asper wasn't as big as people thought, and Thad and Newly couldn't hold a candle to the others, but still. Ben and Beckey talked about the scenes that were my favorites. I loved when Doc got a bug up his ass, and he had to verbally battle either Chester or Festus. Those were the best. When everyone was busting each others' balls.

And it turned out that the Gunsmoke family was actually centered around these scenes, per Ben and Beckey. They were all professionals, but they loved screwing with each other during those scenes. In particular James Arness. He'd mess with Milburn Stone, who would go after either Chester or Festus, and then Kitty would crack up, etc. It all seemed to start with James Arness.

A lot of people, even Hunter S. Thompson, a hero of mine, would say that Arness as Matt Dillon would beat the shit out of anyone to get what he needed, but that wasn't true. Matt Dillon always had a sense of fairness about him. The people he beat the shit out of always had it coming. Kind of like Dirty Harry. Harry kicked the shit out of a lot of people, but none of them were ever innocent. And Dillon was no bigot. He treated all races equally. Can you say the same thing about the generation who wrote the character?

James Arness was a surfer. He played guitar on Venice with a bunch of youths. He was not the John Wayne character most associated him with. He was a laid back guy. Like me. He loved playing pranks on people. Like me. He loved to fuck with people who thought life was a certain way when it actually wasn't. Like me. Sorry.

It's this trickster persona that I would like to think about tonight. I have a lot of months to wait before the seventeenth season of Gunsmoke begins . . .

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #294: GALEN

How well do you know your friends with nicknames? Do you even remember what their real name is anymore?


This thought occurred to me while watching an episode of Gunsmoke earlier this week. An old friend of Doc's shows up in town, and because they're such old friends, this guy calls Doc by his real name, "Galen." Every time this happens, people around them act shocked. Even Matt Dillon is surprised by this. This is surprising, how? I'm fairly certain that this knowledge goes all the way back to season one. I'm pretty sure earlier seasons had his full name on his shingle (although that might be the Mandela Effect, so I'm not entirely sure).


Names are important, and not just for the reasons John Constantine thinks so. It irritates me when someone who has known someone else for years gets that person's name wrong. Like, say, the difference between "Jamie" and "Jaime." Or "Hastings" and "Hasting." Little things like that which probably bothers no one else, including the person in question.


This is probably why I live in constant terror of getting someone's name wrong, especially if it's someone I've known for years. Thankfully I still know the real names of all those who I call by their nicknames.


I think.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #111: HOW DID THEY GET THERE?

Judging by the numbers, almost none of you read my Sunday posts. OK, that's not fair. A bit less than a quarter of you read the Sunday posts. Tonight's topic will probably not interest anyone, so I figured I'd throw it up on a Sunday. If you don't give a shit about GUNSMOKE, now's the time to bail.

(I'm only talking about the TV show here. The radio show was a different beast, an alternate reality. In that one, Chester's last name was Proudfoot. Doc was a drunk who fell from grace because he possibly performed back alley abortions. Marshal Dillon and Miss Kitty were definitely fucking, although it was uncertain if she was being paid for it. Never mind that. My thoughts regard the TV show, where Chester's last name was Goode, Doc only drinks every once in a while and probably doesn't know how to stir a fetus out of a woman and Matt Dillon and Kitty, while very good friends, were clearly not in a romantic/sexual relationship no matter how much people wished for it.)

There was never an origin story for GUNSMOKE. One day, America started tuning in to the adventures of Matt Dillon, US Marshal, and his friends in Dodge City around the 1870's. We know very little about the characters before they arrived in Dodge City. We know that Matt was an orphan who fell into criminal activity before he became a lawman. We know that Chester came from the Appalachians, like his replacement, Festus. We know that Miss Kitty was previously in Louisiana, probably New Orleans, before coming to Kansas. But we don't know anything beyond that. We don't even know how they met.

I had an odd moment on Friday as I was watching that night's episode. (I watch them on the 50th anniversary of the day they originally aired, so that night's episode had debuted on November 7, 1964.) There's just a way that the characters interact with each other that led me to think about how they came together in the first place.

I think Doc was the first to come to town, probably before the Civil War began. People trust him a lot, as if they've known him for a long time. He's got a solid reputation. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that he'd set out his shingle before the Longbranch opened its doors.

I think Chester came next, maybe in 1870, but he never really hung out with Doc. They knew each other, but I don't think they were friends. And then Miss Kitty bought the saloon (or at least the majority interest she had when we first met her; years later, she would become the sole proprietor) that she would turn into the Longbranch. I think Doc drank there and performed services for Kitty's girls, and they formed a friendship because of this. When you see the two of them interact on the show, even in the early years, it's like they've known each other forever, even before Matt Dillon came to town.

Which is why I think Matt showed up last. I don't think he'd been marshal for very long before we first met him in the series premiere. I think his path crossed with Chester's, and the two of them fell in together. As a marshal, he had to rely on Doc, the only doctor in town. Through Doc, he met Kitty. Through Matt, Chester became close friends with the others. And so the original quartet was formed.

We know how Quint came to town. We know how Festus came to town. And, while I'm getting ahead of myself (seeing as how it's 1964 in the GUNSMOKE lobe of my brain), we know how Thad and Newly came to town. But not even the books from the past 20 years, which are considered canon, have explained how the original group met each other. (Although one of them tried to explain what happened to Chester after Festus showed up. It's thought that he became a farmer, although anyone who knows Chester knows that he has an aversion to physical labor, not to mention the fact that the one time he tried that on the show, he was a resounding failure at it. In my opinion, he met a girl and started a family elsewhere. He always was a ladies man.)

The one man who would know for sure, John Meston, who created first the radio show and then the TV show, has been dead for almost as long as I've been alive, so we'll never know.

EVERYONE'S GOT ONE #3: THE END OF AN ERA: GOODBYE, JAMES ARNESS

“I was told when I grew up I could be anything I wanted: a fireman, a policeman, a doctor—even President, it seemed. And for the first time in the history of mankind, something new, called an astronaut. But like so many kids brought up on a steady diet of Westerns, I wanted to be the avenging cowboy hero—that lone voice in the wilderness, fighting corruption and evil wherever I found it, and standing for freedom, truth and justice. And in my heart of hearts, I still track the remnants of that dream wherever I go, in my endless ride into the setting sun.”



Bill Hicks said that, and these immortal words are on my wall at home, just over my bed, reminding me of my own mission in life every day when I wake up, every night when I go to bed. These words bring me comfort in times like this, when one of my heroes has died.


You may have known him from any number of movies, like HONDO, THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD, THEM!, GUN THE MAN DOWN, BIG JIM MCLAIN, and a few others, but you definitely knew him as Matt Dillon, US Marshal, on the long-running television series, GUNSMOKE. And two weekends ago, he passed away at the age of 88.


I don’t have many heroes, but Matt Dillon was one of them, and Arness played him for more than 20 years. In fact, last decade was the first since the show started to be completely without new GUNSMOKE. It started as a radio show in the ‘Fifties, and in 1955, it made the transition to TV. It went on until 1975, and then in the ‘Eighties, it came back as a television movie. Several more movies followed through to the ‘Nineties.


LAW AND ORDER almost beat it out at 19 years before it got canceled. No other show has even touched this record.


As the story goes, John Wayne, the man who first noticed Arness, had to talk his protégé into taking the job as Matt Dillon because Arness wanted to be a movie actor. He felt that a television role would limit his career. So the Duke got him drunk and got him to sign the contract, and it was a good thing, too. GUNSMOKE made his career rather than limited it, and he didn’t regret a single day. Up until his death two weekends ago, he talked about his love of GUNSMOKE on his website, and in his last missive, he mentioned his favorite episode, the one starring Ricardo Montalban as Chato.


Arness was the last of the original stars of GUNSMOKE to leave us. Milburn Stone, as Doc, was the first, followed by Miss Kitty herself, Amanda Blake. Dennis Weaver, Chester, passed on not too long ago. And now James Arness. A while ago, he held a contest. What does Matt Dillon mean to you? The prize was a phone call from him to discuss GUNSMOKE. I entered (and lost), but I thought now would be an appropriate time to bring it up. Here is my essay, and I hope you enjoy it. This is what it means, to me, to be Matt Dillon:


As we stood in a rough circle under the hot summer sun, we debated who would get to play what character.


“I want to be Dirty Harry,” a friend said.


“Okay, but I get to be Rambo,” said my cousin.


“You can have those guys. I want to be the Terminator.”


It came around to me, and I informed them I wanted to be Matt Dillon, U.S. Marshal. It remains true to this very day.


We spent the afternoon playing war games with leaking water pistols, and as far as most were concerned, anything went. It was okay to shoot someone in the back, but I didn’t do that because Marshal Dillon wouldn’t. It was fine to call an opponent’s mother obscene names, but I didn’t because Marshal Dillon wouldn’t. Racial and homophobic epithets were considered fair game, but I didn’t partake because Marshal Dillon wouldn’t. Wild, epic shootouts were started at the drop of a hat, but I always tried to settle it peaceably and take prisoners instead, because Marshal Dillon never liked sending men to Boot Hill.


As all kids do, I grew up, and at the age of twenty-seven, I still try to be Marshal Dillon, because he is the quintessential good guy. Yes, be tough, but a part of being tough is also being fair. Never kick a guy when he’s down, and never stab him in the back. Women are to be treated with respect, even if they are owners of saloons. Never judge a book by its cover. Everyone gets a fair trial, no matter what the popular opinion is.


My childhood friends grew up and lost their fantasies, but the kid who wanted to be Matt Dillon still lives and follows the ideal down the dusty trail towards the setting sun.


Back to the present.  I’m thirty-two now. Take a look at the top of this article, where I quote Bill Hicks. For those who don’t know, Hicks was one of the foulest, most-profane stand-up comedians in history, and I loved him for it. But do those words sound like they come from someone dedicated to offending the world just for the sake of making it a more miserable place? I’m not the first to quote these lines from REVELATIONS, though. Garth Ennis borrowed these words for the final issue of PREACHER, and for all of that book’s sheer insanity, it is a very moral tale. As Jesse Custer’s father says, “You gotta’ be one of the good guys, son, because there’s way too many of the bad.”


And for all of my bad craziness, degenerate behavior, abrasive attitude, and general obscenity, I am a very moral man. Without Matt Dillon, I don’t think I would be.


Jesus Christ, as I’m writing this, I’m blubbering like a baby. I didn’t even know Mr. Arness. But I knew Matt Dillon, and I knew that the two shared a lot in common. After he retired, he dedicated his life to helping those with cerebral palsy. Anyone who wanted an autograph could have one, provided they donated to this cause. In fact, everything on sale at his website goes toward this charity.


We’re not going to see the likes of James Arness again. Though a handful of other stars from the Golden Era of television still live today, none could hold a candle to Arness. This is truly the end of an era.


Goodbye, James Arness.

UPDATE:  One of my routines was to check out James Arness' website every week to check out his regular feature, "Greeting from Jim."  I figured that since he was gone, I'd read his final message to us.  Lo! and behold!  He wrote one last letter to his fans in the event of his death.  Check it out.  He was a class act, up until the very end.