GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #423: LASIK

 I've flirted with the idea of getting LASIK done for many, many years, but I don't think I'll ever do it. First of all, it's kind of weird to have someone shooting a laser into your eyes to do some good ol' fashioned eye-cutting. It was a scary concept to me, and years ago when I saw a video of Kid in the Hall Dave Foley getting it done, it did not help matters. If you're going to do that shit to me, you'd better knock me out first.

But I've had glasses since third grade. I would feel absolutely naked without them. I couldn't imagine going to bed at night and being able to see everything clearly. It would weird me out. And when it's raining, what if water goes directly into my eyes? My glasses prevent that from happening.

But then again, what if the zombie holocaust happens? Or a cannibal holocaust? Or both at the same time? If my glasses break, well, I have a back up pair that are almost as good. And if those break? I have a pretty shitty back up pair. And if those break? I'm fucked for the rest of my life. Which might not be that long. I remember my old doctor once saw me reading a Walking Dead book, and he said, "Do you know who doesn't survive the zombie apocalypse? Fat diabetics." Sure, a little mean, but it was on point. I am fat, and I am diabetic.

But I'm not a fan of stuff in my eyes, which is why I don't do contacts. My eye doctor, when dilating my eyes, has to pry my lids open to put the drops in. I would not do well with the Ludovico Treatment, for example. The scene in Fulci's Zombie? Yeah, you know the one I'm talking about. I first saw that at a young age, and it has stuck with me pretty clearly over the years.

So while it might be for the best, I'll probably never get it done even if I could afford it. That's OK with me.

See?

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #33: EYE LASERS

I watched FINAL DESTINATION 5 tonight, not because I thought it would be good. I enjoyed the first two movies. Three and four were awful. Five was the only one I hadn't seen, and I thought I should at least finish the series. For the most part, I enjoyed it. It was the same formula as usual, except the actors weren't nearly as good as in the first one. But there were some creative scenes, in particular one that made me very, very uncomfortable.

Horror is about making someone uncomfortable with the truth. I don't know if this particular scene qualifies for my definition, but it comes pretty close. One of the characters wants Lasik on her eyes, and since it's a FINAL DESTINATION movie, it goes horribly wrong.

You see, I've always wanted Lasik done on me, but at the same time, I've feared it, too. I've worn glasses since the third grade, which means that all the cool kids have had their turn at fucking with me, at least until I grew up and became taller and stronger than them. But never mind that. This is about eyes.

I'm very protective of my eyes. Damage to eyes always freaks me out, as my response to ZOMBIE would attest to. That's no big surprise, since most people can't deal with the idea of being sightless. No one wants to depend on others for car rides. Or help getting around their own home. Or even, to borrow from the Jim Jefferies bit, help in figuring out how to wipe one's own ass. How do blind people do it? You have to look at what's on the paper, right? Can seeing-eye dogs be trained to bark if you're not wiping properly?

Unlike most people who have this fear, I actually am going blind. According to my eye doctor, my 'Beetus is killing nerves in my eyes, and if I can't stop it, I'm going to be blind before I hit senior status. Right now, there are fifty damaged nerves in my eyes. That sounds like a lot, but when you realize that there are several million in a human being's eyes, it doesn't seem that significant. Still, if I don't back off, I WILL go blind.

Fuck. I'm going about this one the wrong way. I don't mean to talk about that. What I mean to say is this: getting Lasik done on me would alleviate some things, but it would aggravate others. I've worn glasses for almost thirty years. I don't think I could get used to NOT wearing them now. Not only that, but there is a certain degree of comfort that comes with taking off one's glasses at night to go to sleep. The fuzziness helps one to pass out.

Long story short: if I ever got Lasik done on me, I would probably still wear glasses, even if the lenses are knocked out. To not have the frames on me would cause a great discomfort, enough to derail my ordinary way of life.

Still: I don't see me getting the surgery. The doctor immobilizes the patient's head, but even if he did that to me, it wouldn't stop my crazy eyes from whirling around in their sockets. The only way the surgery would work on me is if they knocked me out and then put the CLOCKWORK ORANGE things under my eye lids, etc.

All discomfort and awkwardness aside, it would cost a ridiculous amount of money, since insurance doesn't want to actually help people become better. Perish the thought. For example, they'll pay for tooth extractions, but they would never pay for anything to replace the missing tooth. What the fuck is the point? If you get a tooth pulled, you would want to look decent afterwards, right?

You get the idea. Wow, this is a slapdash way to put a piece together. I can't believe I've just stated all of these things just to tell you that the probability of me killing myself if I go blind is exceptionally high.

Goodnight, and sweet dreams. Fuckers.