GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #838: THE HOLDER

 

So on 4/20 I decided that since I was getting a hefty discount at the dispensary, I'd experiment a little. I'd try brands I ordinarily didn't get. Kaviar is a pretty popular brand. Their strain, Cornbread, is pretty expensive at $33 per preroll, but I got a pretty sweet price for it.

I got home and opened the tube to discover something very weird. No wonder they charged so much! There's a holder on the end. Like a cigarette holder, but clear. You can see it in the picture above. Kinda. I thought that was stupid and was about to yank it off the joint, but I was afraid I might destroy my precious cannabis. So fuck it. I tried the holder.

And now I can never go back.

That holder is so fucking sweet. It maximizes the amount of smoke you inhale, so it gets you higher, and it gets you higher faster. It's such a gamechanger that I kept it and used it on any and all prerolls I bought.

And then I did something stupid. I saw my ashtray had overflowed, so I decided to empty it into the toilet. Since the holder is clear, I didn't see it, and I fuckin' flushed the thing. I didn't realize it until hours later, when I opened a new preroll and looked around for my holder. Goddammit.

But I recently got my medical card, so I no longer pay taxes on cannabis. So I got a couple more Cornbread prerolls just for the holder. (I got a third so one of my friends could have a holder, too. We smoked the joint not too long ago and then went to Superdawg, which is an excellent experience to have. Being high and eating a Supercheesie is great. Extra cheese, of course.)

I'm not gonna fuck this up again. I will never keep the holders in the ashtray together, just in case I repeat my stupid move. Because these holders are fucking great. They really are. I *high*ly recommend getting one if you like to indulge. I swear, you'll never go back.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #464: RUNAWAY

 To be read while listening to this. Also, Crime Story is a great show, and I highly recommend it. (Except for that ending. Oof.) And Superdawg, where that last shot was filmed, is a great hot dog place. You should go there. Get your fries with their cheese sauce. I'd also advise not getting ketchup on your hot dog. They will do it, but they will think less of you. Meaning, they won't kick you out like they would at Gene and Jude's, but you'll probably go on a list of some sort.

OK, now to start this thing for real. I've never been the kind of run-away-from-home sort of kid. Even back then I thought that was needlessly dramatic. But there was this one time that I did. I think I was seven years old. I lived in poverty at the time, and I was stuck with an abusive stepfather. So yeah, you can probably see why I did it.

I don't even remember what, specifically, set this off. All I remember is waiting until the sun went down, and then I got my backpack, which I put my most important belongings into. Pencils and paper for writing. My most important books, including the one that made me want to become a writer, which was The Haunted Fort by Franklin W. Dixon. Yes, a Hardy Boys book. And, for some inexplicable reason, my crayons.

Yeah, I was a kid, and yes, I had coloring books. But that's the thing: I didn't pack any coloring books, just the crayons. It must have made sense back then, though.

Once I had my things gathered together, I took off out the back door. I rushed down the rickety steps to the ground floor, snuck by the line of garages to the sidewalk and picked a direction. I didn't know where to go, but anywhere was better than there.

I didn't make it far. My mom caught up to me four blocks away and dragged me home, where I got a sound beating from my stepfather before being grounded for the rest of my natural life and then some. I wasn't even allowed to leave my room for a week, as it was summer and I had no school obligations.

I don't know why I was thinking about that today, but there you go;.