GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #297: VALENTINE'S VITRIOL

So I was driving around today just so I wouldn't have to be in my bedroom anymore. I heard something I found kind of odd on the radio. Something that I didn't really expect. Anyone remember Sam Kinison? Yeah, the preacher-turned-stand up comedian. He had this bit, which was almost certainly faked, where he would find someone heartbroken in his audience and then call the woman who broke his heart live onstage. He would then scream obscenities at her, usually over her answering machine (kids, that's what we had before voicemail, and it was the same fuckin' thing anyway, so it doesn't really matter, and I'm going to OK Boomer myself now), on behalf of the emotionally injured party. I always found it kind of awful, even if it was faked.

Fast forward to me driving around today. One of the DJs was doing a similar bit all day: call in and dedicate songs to your lying, cheating ex, and clarify why those songs. They were all basically fuck-you songs (and in one case the song was actually named "Fuck You"). Just as the DJ hit his post, he says the woman's first name, and then says, "F you."

What kind of person does this kind of thing? I can't possibly imagine how much vitriol you would have to have in your heart to call in to a radio station--a Sirius/XM station, Turbo, no less--to say fuck you to someone you used to love with all your heart. That sounds absolutely crazy to me.

Don't get me wrong. I've felt angry after a break up. I've felt heartbreak. I've felt betrayed. I understand, to some degree, how it feels to be in that position. But I would never call in to a radio station to do something like this.

I was a much younger man when I felt these things. These days I believe in free love, so long as everyone involved are adults, consenting and on the same page. Break ups don't hurt me like they used to. I've become almost bulletproof when it comes to that kind of thing. But I've been on both sides of this coin, and I still can't understand that kind of anger.

It's worth noting that everyone who made a dedication (at least that I heard) were men. There were no women with fuck-you on the tips of their tongue. This leads me to believe that this is male behavior, which should make it easier for me to understand. I still don't get it. I don't get keying her car, or talking shit about her, or stalking her, or making sure she's in a worse relationship after ours, or any of that batshit behavior.

To quote Ferris, "It's over. Go home."

For those curious, I spent my Valentine's Day alone. I think I prefer being single at this point in my life. Society always concerns itself when someone says they didn't do anything special for Valentine's Day with anyone special. They think something is wrong with you if you're not in a relationship. That's an idea that we should scrub from the social consciousness. I like my own company. Also, as a man of a certain age, my sex drive has gone way down, and it wasn't that high to begin with. I know, that's odd coming from someone who wrote Dong of Frankenstein and 6669, but there you go.

If you spent your time today with someone you love, good for you. I hope all went well. If you spent your time today alone, that's also cool. Don't let it bring you down. Don't let vitriol take over. That way lies madness and incels, and that leads to the Dark Side of the Force. But don't let it remove you from society, either.

To quote Silverchair (words you probably didn't expect to read today or any other day since the late 'Nineties), "I don't wanna be lonely. I just want to be alone."

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #267: VALENTINE'S DAY IN PRISON

To be read to the tune of this.


It is Valentine's Day, and like many holidays, Hallmark has completely ignored a group of people. It's funny because they try to be all inclusive. But in one aspect, they have failed.


2.3 million Americans are in prison. As much as most people would think, they are evil and obviously have no loved ones, yes?


No. I'd venture to guess that most of us not incarcerated know someone in prison. I certainly do. It's really hard to find Valentine's cards to send to loved ones behind bars. A lot of prisons don't allow anything aside from postcard correspondence. But some are more forgiving.


But you can't send anything with glitter. Nothing with metal in it, like those pop up cards. Nothing with recordings, like almost every fucking Valentine at the store. It takes a lot of effort to find a Valentine that you can send to loved ones incarcerated. I found the most generic card ever for my longtime friend. But it took a long time.


Hallmark needs to make cards that are prison friendly. I think there is a giant market for this kind of thing. Fucking hell, guys. Step up. You are failing 2.3M Americans. Do you know how much money you can make from them?!