Showing posts with label lord of the rings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lord of the rings. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 20, 2026

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #1063: POINT OF NO RETURN

 You may have seen the news lately that New Orleans's days are numbered. Due to the rising sea level, and considering how most of that city exists below that sea level, it is in danger of disappearing altogether. It's possible that whatever civilization follows ours might find its ruins thanks to the distant descendants of our Atlantis hunters. In fact, according to a new study, New Orleans "may be surrounded by the Gulf of Mexico by the end of the century." That's a pretty grim diagnosis.

Think about that. New Orleans is a major city. There's a lot of culture there. And it's all going to vanish soon. Your kids might not see it disappear, but their kids might. The hometown of Anne Rice inspired vampires everywhere is about to vanish from the face of the earth. That's fucking crazy. They're saying people should start leaving right now. Get the hell outta Dodge. We have a few decades, but why waste time?

So I'm sure you know what I'm wondering about. No, it's not about where people will go now to flash boobs for beads and vice versa. (That's the second thing I thought.) No, I'm wondering about . . .


There are some grand cemeteries down there. Are we going to abandon them to a watery grave? In particular, ARE WE GOING TO ABANDON NIC CAGE TO THE GULF OF MEXICO'S MERCILESS WATERS?!?!?!?!?!?!

Because in case you've forgotten, that's where he plans to be buried, under this very pyramid. Is he going to change his mind? Can he be talked out of being buried there?

He's a weird guy. Maybe he wants his body to be flooded forever. Maybe he's into it.

Which reminds me, I learned the other day that he was offered the role of Aragorn in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings movies. After ensuring I wasn't on the Onion's website, I sat back, shocked. How could that have been allowed to almost happen? I love Cage. I also love LOTR. But the two of them together, especially like that, would have been a disaster. It would have utterly destroyed those films for me. I am eternally grateful for the family obligations that kept him from taking the role.

See?

"NIC CAGE: LOTR"

A Shit Poem by John Bruni


"The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness."

"Let's hunt some Orc."

"You cannot give me this."

"My friends, you bow to no one."

But with mega-acting.

Could you imagine the faces he would make during the battle scenes?

I'll bet he'd do really well with the scene where he has to throw Gimli.

He'd go over the top at the Prancing Pony in Bree

    more like Father Karras in the darkness in The Exorcist III.

What do you say we cut the chit-chat, a-hole.

    and stick to drinking beer from your enemy's skull like a bowl.

Friday, October 22, 2021

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #419: PETER JACKSON?!?!?!?!?!

That guy? Really?!?!?!



When I was a very young man, Hollywood had been threatening to make Lord of the Rings into a movie for about as long as I could remember. By that point we had three cartoons: The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings (which did not cover the whole story) and The Return of the King. I'd long given up hope that they would ever make the movie, much less make it a good movie.


Then came the day that I learned what the world now knows as history. I was working at the library in those days as a page. It would take me years to graduate to the circulation desk, but I worked the stacks, and on Friday nights I would work my final hour in periodicals. Josh, a friend of mine, worked behind the desk on some Friday nights.


That fateful day he greeted me as I walked up the three steps and into the periodicals department. "Did you hear the news?"


I had not.


"They're finally making Lord of the Rings into a movie!"


I highly doubt it.


"And you'll never guess who's directing!"


Okay, I'll bite. Who?


"Peter Jackson!"


Peter Jackson?!?!?!?!?!?! The Dead Alive guy? Meet the Feebles? Bad Taste? That guy?!?!?!?!?!


"Yep."


Josh knew my love of Lord of the Rings, and he knew my love of Peter Jackson. It had to be a trap. Why would Hollywood let a guy primarily known for weird and gory horror movies direct Lord of the Rings?


"I read about it in Fangoria."


I didn't believe him. I had to see the issue of Fangoria myself before I could believe it. And the more I thought about it, the more it made sense that a horror director would helm Lord of the Rings. Think about the Barrow-Wights! And Frodo's fight with the King of the Nazgul! Gollum would be in the best of hands. And the Dead Marshes! And the Dead Men of Dunharrow!


I was sold on Peter Jackson doing it in that moment. It would take years before I'd get to see that first movie, and I was not disappointed. I have a problem here or there with the films, but nothing that irritates me to the point of no return. Plus, watchful viewers will catch references to the Silmarillion, and that's pretty cool.


And now what was once an unthinkable film is being adapted as a show. I'm not certain how I feel about that. Do we really need a new Lord of the Rings show? Maybe. I doubt it, but maybe. I guess I'll hold off on judgment until it's released. But what I'd really like is a history of Middle Earth type of show that builds up to the trilogy. That would be pretty nice.


It would be sweet to see Morgoth in action.





















We never got the Barrow-Wights, dammit. Way to go, Peter Jackson . . .

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

THE JOHN BRUNI MUSEUM OF MEDIOCRE (AT BEST) SHIT #24: REVIEW OF THE LIFELINE THEATRE'S PRODUCTION OF THE TWO TOWERS






[Ah yes. Back in the day when you had to note that The Fellowship of the Ring is part one of The Lord of the Rings. I’d been hearing for about four years at that point that Peter Jackson, director of my beloved Dead Alive, was trying his hand at the trilogy. I thought that was ballsy of him, and I hoped it would work out. By the time I wrote this review, I had all but given up on Jackson. I decided that it wasn’t happening. (Whoops!) I love the Lifeline Theatre. I’ve seen a handful of their productions, and they’re always intimate and outlandish. If you live in Chicago, I highly recommend you check them out. This was in the Elmhurst College Leader, April 10, 2000.]


A few years back, the Lifeline Theatre, 6912 N. Glenwood Ave., Chicago, adapted a play that was considered completely unadaptable for the stage. Yet their performance of The Fellowship of the Ring, the first in JRR Tolkien’s trilogy, The Lord of the Rings, was a surprise success. Now they’re back with part two of the trilogy, The Two Towers, and again, they have succeeded in performing a seemingly unadaptable story.


Unfortunately, this time Lifeline dispensed with the little people who played the hobbits in the first play. The only actor reprising his role from the first play is Dale Inghram, one of the few full-sized people to play a hobbit. Last time he was an excellent Sam Gamgee, but this time, while retaining a lot of the humble, simple-minded hobbit in his calmer moods, has also gained a very hyper style that goes against everything Sam should be.


Another actor returning from the first play is Patrick Blashill. However, this time he plays Frodo Baggins, while last time he was both Bilbo and Gimli. Blashill is successful at capturing the determination and good will of Frodo.


In fact, all the actors are good for their characters (especially Heath Corson’s portrayal of Wormtongue, who was appropriately very slimy and low to the ground), but not all of them actually resemble the characters. As said above, there were no little people, but that’s not the extent of it. Charles Picard, who played Gandalf, did not even have a beard. While he played the role excellently, capturing his will to do good with the underlying anger perfectly, he certainly didn’t look the part. However, he also plays two other characters, which requires quick changes, so while the lack of appropriate appearance is understandable, it’s also kind of a let down.


The only actor who really looks his part is Phil Timberlake, who plays Legolas, the elf. He also plays Gollum perfectly, with quite possibly the best voice for the job since Gail Chugg’s Gollum for the Mind’s Eye radio dramatization. He also captures Gollum’s slithery ways perfectly, lulling the audience into really liking him so that everyone, even the ones who have read the books, feel betrayed by his giving Frodo and Sam to Shelob, the spider.


The Lifeline uses a puppet to deal with the size and presence of Shelob, and they do a pretty good job, considering what they had to work with. The only objection that can be leveled against them for the Shelob scene is the slow-motion fight scene between the spider and Sam. It really just looked too stupid, which was the problem with many of the fights from the first play. There is a plus to the new fight scenes, though—at least this time they use weapons. In The Fellowship of the Ring, the actors just pretended to have swords while fighting in slo-mo.


The best fight was the first fight of the play when Brian Amidei as Boromir fights an army of orcs to protect Merry (Corson) and Pippen (John Ferrick). No slow-motion here—just brutal fighting. They used screens to show silhouettes of orcs (probably cardboard stands) in order to convey the idea that there are a bunch of them surrounding Boromir. They use the effect more than once to show the encampment of orcs and their marching army and other moments, as well as to show the riders of Rohan when they come to battle the orcs.


They also make use of puppets other than Shelob. When Gollum is first introduced, he is a puppet swimming to capture passing fish made of neon foam. The puppet itself looks kind of stupid, and the actors didn’t handle it well. They did better with the puppets of Merry and Pippen when they met Treebeard (played by Amidei, who, with the sound effects on his voice, was perfect for the job). The puppets looked ridiculous, which was mainly why they worked so well. The Lifeline has done better with puppets in the past, though, with their adaption of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, in which the actors were obviously so skilled in puppetry that they made the puppets look like real living beings.


They also use models to describe the battle at Helm’s Deep, showing first a pretty good model of the fortress as well as a Battle Masters-ish layout of the battlefield. While actually seeing the battle is much preferable, they do an excellent job of conveying what actually happened in the battle.


The only other real problem is something they can’t help—their budget. The swords aren’t real swords—they’re metal bars. Clubs are aluminum baseball bats, and while the costuming looks good, it is obvious that the wardrobe was put together from scraps. The solution is simple: throw it all into suspension of disbelief. After all, this is an adaption of The Two Towers, something which requires a lot of suspension of disbelief itself.


All in all, James Sie (who directed the first play) and Karen Tarjan did an excellent job of adapting the play, and Ned Mochel (who played Aragorn in the first play) did a wonderful job of directing The Two Towers. It’s going to play all the way through May 7, so see it. Besides, where else are you going to see an adaption of Tolkien’s greatest work? See it before you lose the chance, for it will never come again.


For more information, call The Lifeline Theatre (773) 761-4477.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #236: PUTTING THE RUMP IN TRUMP

Wow. I can't believe what just happened tonight. There's a part of me that thinks that something is going to happen, and it's going to be revealed that there was some fuckery going on with the election. Probably not. If there was, we won't hear about it for years.


Whoo-boy. That's some rigged election we had there, Trump.


Sorry. I couldn't help that little jab.


It takes a lot to surprise me, folks. This surprises the fuck out of me. Maybe I got too confident in my ability to foresee the political future of America. I was born in 1978. The first election I was aware of was 1988. That was Bush I vs. Dukakis. I figured Dukakis would win because my grandfather wanted him to win (because he was Greek, just like my grandfather). In the gambling world, that's called "betting your heart." I lost, naturally.


Ever since then I have never EVER EVER been wrong about a presidential election . . . until today. I was certain Clinton would win. Surprise! I was so certain that I now have to rewrite a story in which I assumed Trump was going to lose.


I can't grasp it. President Trump. It's been a joke for so long, but I can't believe that he's going to take office in January. I wasn't thinking, I guess. I'd forgotten the wild card. The wild card that is 2016. It's been a shit year. I should have expected the worst.


I fucking loathed both Trump and Clinton. Fuck 'em both. They're scumbags of the slimiest order. They're both lower than whale shit. But, well, I figured Clinton would have been preferable. She's crooked at the least, a murderer at most. But she knows how to do the job. Government is so full of bullshit, as George Carlin once suggested, that if we removed it, the system would fall apart. She's the right scumbag to run this nation. Who knows? Maybe she even learned a few things from her husband. Remember when he ran this country? WE DIDN'T HAVE A DEFICIT. That's right, we lived debt free. We owned our own country. That's pretty remarkable. Maybe she would have gotten us out of our current mess.


No, I didn't vote for her. I didn't vote for anybody, not even myself. But! I live in Illinois, and the last time Illinois went to the Republicans was '88. (The grim specter.) Once again, IL went to the Democrats. My vote would not have mattered, just as I expected.


Then again, a lot happened tonight that I *didn't* expect.


I've seen a lot of my friends fall to pieces over this decision. Understandably so.


Ah fuck. I don't even know where I'm going with this. It's been so long since I've been wrong about an election, I'm in shock.


I'd say that Trump is racist, sexist, transphobic, etc. But I don't think he is. He just blurts shit out without thought. He's just a dick sucker. He'll say anything to get his way. Somehow he sensed that he'd get elected if he appealed to America's primitive underbelly, the one that thinks African Americans should be shipped back to Africa. Those who are surprised to learn that Native Americans are still around (didn't we kill them all?). The ones who think if you were born a certain sex and exhibit a need to be otherwise, you're subhuman. When you think about it, it's kind of shocking that Trump was able to say anything with that giant cock in his mouth.


Enough negativity. We're stuck with this situation. Let's try to look on the bright side. There is one. We still have hope. Maybe, just maybe, his garbage personality will result in something positive. I know, it's a long shot, but still.


A lot of my friends are in a bad place tonight. I'm sorry. I think we're all fucked, too. But there's a small part of me that thinks maybe something good will come of this. Maybe. I don't know. Neither do you. Or anyone. Not even Trump knows. He's too busy wrapping his lips around the rancid cocks of the lowest common denominator of the American people to think about the future.


I leave you with these final words. It's the best I can do right now. I hope those of you who feel miserable find some kind of comfort in them. I wish I could lay claim to these words, but all the credit goes to J.R.R. Tolkien:


Gandalf: "He hates and loves the Ring, as he hates and loves himself. He will never be rid of his need for it."


Frodo: "It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!"


Gandalf: "Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death. And some that died deserved life. Can you give it to them, Frodo? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or ill, before this is over. The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many."


Goodnight, you poor bastards. Goodnight, and good luck.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

C2E2 PANEL: FUTURISTIC FRIGHT: SCIENCE-FICTION NOVELISTS IMAGINE FAR-FUTURE WORLDS



That’s a mouthful of a title. Sadly, this panel didn’t quite turn out to be about that. It was still a great time, but they went waaaaay off topic.



The guests were SF writers John Scalzi and Alex Hughes, and they were mediated by a woman whose name I didn’t get, and no amount of internet searching is helping me find it. I think she was a representative of Penguin USA, but for the life of me, I can’t recall her name, and it’s not in my notes.


They were off to a good start when Scalzi admitted his distaste, at least when it comes to his own work, for dystopian futures. He much prefers to take a philosophical approach to SF. He spoke for a while on the Cartesian separation of body and mind, and about the nature of being able to download your personality to a recording, mind-blowing things like that.


At one point, the mediator introduced the idea of space fantasy verses SF. It could have been an interesting discussion, but it veered off on another course. I think they were trying to promote the idea that stuff like STAR WARS was not SF but space fantasy, which is close but distinctly different. They didn’t discuss it, or far futures, for very long.


It wasn’t long before the panel was just another SF panel. That’s not to say it wasn’t fun (SF panels usually are pretty awesome), but it was no longer specialized.


One of the big topics discussed is the use of actual science in TV shows and movies. Few know this, but Scalzi was an advisor for STARGATE SG-U. In his time on that show, he noticed something: keep your scientific explanations simple and vague. Since SF uses a lot of theoretical science, there are no definite answers. If you find a middle-ground, you should be good. You’ll then get two responses: non-SF people simply won’t care, it’ll sound good enough to them; SF people, on the other hand, will puzzle over it for a while and come up with their own explanation, which will always be better than the one you devised yourself. Brilliant, really.


The STAR TREK reboot kind of got to him. He generally liked the movie, but when Spock was describing the thing with the star exploding, Scalzi just couldn’t take it. He hates hearing the usual clichés, like reversing the polarity. “Be happy with the polarity you were born with,” he said.


He was full of good one liners, my favorite being about having enough power to explode galaxies. “Why not destroy a few galaxies? For the lulz.”


He was in a really good mood, cheerful, full of jokes and great observations. Sorry, fellow LORD OF THE RINGS fans, but he turned me on one subject: I’ve always said the books are better. While I enjoyed the movies, the books will always be the true LotR. Scalzi disagrees. He says that Tolkien was really good at creating this world with vast detail, even going so far as to write THE SILMARILLION, but he just wants to sit back and relax in this world, structure be damned. Peter Jackson had the common sense to focus all of these details and histories and everything into a story. Being a purist, I hated to admit that he was right. I’ve always miss the real ending of LotR, when the hobbits return to the Shire only to find Saruman has taken over and they have to defeat him to save their home. No one has ever put that into their adaptation except for the Mind’s Eye radio play. Well, I guess there’s a reason, but it upsets me whenever people leave it out. I have to give this one up, folks. There is no reason for that part to be in LotR. Jackson was right to cut it out. In fact, Jackson’s LotR is the best form of that story.


Scalzi made an interesting point with that last bit. Two more examples he used are JAWS and THE GODFATHER. The movies are the best versions of those particular stories. Not that the books were bad, they just weren’t as good. It’s a hard concept for us purists to get over, but I have to admit that he’s right.


As charming as Scalzi was, Hughes was nervous. She conducted herself really well, but the unfortunate thing is, I’m pretty sure no one in the room knew who she was. (I certainly didn’t. I bought her book, but I haven’t gotten to it yet.) As a result of this, no one asked her any questions. It got to the point where the mediator and Scalzi both asked the audience to offer up some questions for Hughes. I hate to say this, because I really liked Hughes, but the only question she got from the crowd was akin to a pity question, kind of like an adult condescending to a kid. It wasn’t meant to be that way, but that’s how it came off.


All in all, it was a successful outing. We all had a good time, a few laughs, and a few insights into the world of SF.