GOODNIGHT, FUCKERS #18: VERTIGO

It always makes me happy when I see Vertigo doing one of their preview books. These days, they're for free, although in the past they've charged, and I've willingly paid. Once upon a time, Vertigo was my favorite comics company, since they put out the best books I'd ever read (PREACHER, TRANSMETROPOLITAN, 100 BULLETS, hell, you know me and what I like). (And yes, I know that TRANSMET started as a Helix book. Quit nitpicking.) I'm more of an Avatar Press kind of guy now. (Big surprise, considering they've worked with Vertigo greats like Ennis, Ellis, Delano, etc.)


This new preview is nice, in that it reminds everyone what Vertigo is doing right now with great books like AMERICAN VAMPIRE, FBP and so on, but it's also giving us a peek of what's to come. Sad to say, their new fare doesn't look very interesting to me. BODIES has some great creative-types attached to it, but the story doesn't look very appealing. I love Peter Milligan's work, but THE NAMES looks like heavy-handed crap. THE KITCHEN could be interesting. It's a hard-crime look at the 'Seventies in Hell's Kitchen, but told from the female perspective. What they sample, though, doesn't look that great. I'll probably give it a shot.


The one that looks most promising is SUICIDERS. I'm a fan of Lee Bermejo's artwork, but this will be the first time I'll get a taste of his writing skills. I love the cover, and the sample is just over the top awesome. Of the new batch, I look forward to this one the most. I'm glad to see it's a monthly, although I have no idea how Bermejo will get that much work done. Have you seen his art? It's insanely intricate. Writing and illustrating this book should put him through the ringer, but I love what I'm seeing so far.

COOL SHIT 4-17-14

AMERICAN VAMPIRE: SECOND CYCLE #2: Wow. Back for two issues, and already things have just gone off the fucking rails. First of all, it’s great to see Cal again. But under the circumstances? I’m sure all things considered, he’d rather be in Philadelphia. And now that we’ve met the Gray Trader, things are probably going to get even more fucked up, especially if he’s really what Cal says he is. I’m so glad this book is finally back.

THE TRANSFORMERS: WINDBLADE #1: Ever since the animated movie, people have been baffled by Arcee’s existence. How could there only be one female Transformer? What are they, fucking Smurfs? Well, IDW has decided to address the issue by bringing in more women characters. As previously seen, they were taking care of the dying Metroplex up until now. Now, they’re on Cybertron and they’re trying to help Starscream get things up and running. Windblade is the only point of communication they have with Metroplex, since she’s the only one who can speak his language. It’s interesting to see this concept in action, but what really made me crack up was when Rattrap voiced it in a very awkward moment: “So . . . uh. What’s the—uh—whole you both being called ‘she’ thing about?” I could be mistaken, but I think Mairghread Scott is the first woman writer to ever tackle this title. Too bad they’re only giving her a mini-series.

ROVER RED CHARLIE #5: Only Garth Ennis could take a story about animals and make it as obscene as possible. I love the way these dogs think. “I’m a dog!” is how their frantic barks are translated. Oceans are big splashes. Humans are feeders. Those who haven’t had their balls cut greet each other by fucking. Take this POV and put it into a zombie apocalypse, and you have this book. In a previous issue, artist Michael DiPascale portrayed a human licking shit out of a dog’s asshole. Somehow, in this issue, Ennis and DiPascale outdo that scene with the short bus. I’ll let you read about that all on your own, though. It’s that good. I hate stories about animals, but I’m going to miss this one when it concludes next month.

STRAY BULLETS: KILLERS #2: It’s good to see Eli all grown up, and it would seem that he lost his foot in that car accident. He lost his father in it, too. But it looks like he’s gained a few interesting stories, and he might be getting laid pretty soon. But this isn’t his story. This is about a troubled young woman named Virginia, and her relationship with her aunt and uncle. David Lapham does two kinds of stories really good: tits and violence stories and depressing stories. This one is the latter, and the ending is just a heartbreaker.

COOL SHIT 3-20-14

AMERICAN VAMPIRE: SECOND CYCLE #1: Welcome back to AMERICAN VAMPIRE, one of the very few vampire books on the market worth reading. It practically killed me when it went on hiatus. Now, it’s back, and it’s a beast with a different nature. Fast forward to the ‘Sixties, and Pearl is running kind of an underground railroad for wayward vampires. Even better, Skinner Sweet has taken an interesting direction: back to where he started. When we met him, he was a bank robber and murderer. Now he’s gone back to his thieving ways, except these days, he does it as a biker. Just look at that ponytail and sleeveless vest! But the coolest part is his hideout, a place he and his gang set up back in the Old West. It’s a buried freight car in the middle of nowhere, littered with junk, a Confederate flag and the bones of some forgotten woman. And then there’s the new villain, who seems to be a very ancient vampire . . .

JUPITER’S LEGACY #4: In this issue, we now learn a bit more about how the superheroes got their powers in the first place. More interestingly, however, is how they’ve been doing now that they have taken over America. Nobody seems to think they’re doing a great job. Big surprise. The bigger surprise: in Australia, there’s a mysterious kid with superpowers who is saving people’s lives. During his regular life, he’s doing his best to keep a low profile by pretending to be a klutz and letting the local kids beat his ass every once in a while. Still, it’s not enough to escape everyone’s attention. This has been a heartbreaker of a book so far, and I can only assume that there’s more tragedy ahead of us.

THE TRANSFORMERS: REGENERATION ONE #100: This book has a special place in my heart. When I was a kid, it was my favorite comic book. When it was canceled, it broke me so badly that I gave up reading comic books. I didn’t touch another comic until a friend of mine put the trade of EVIL ERNIE: YOUTH GONE WILD in my hands when I was in high school. When IDW announced that it was bringing Simon Furman and Andrew Wildman back to reprise the book, I was absolutely giddy. A part of me was afraid that it wouldn’t be as good as it was back in the old days, but I was just happy to have this piece of my childhood restored to me.

Well, it wasn’t as great as I hoped it would be. It was all right. It had a strong start and kind of petered out after a while. But I kept buying it, not just because I’m a habit-buyer, but also because of that special place in my heart. Well, they brought the book to a close yesterday, and I have to say, it ended in a fucking spectacular way, something I just did not expect. (Here’s my usual reminder that Cool Shit contains spoilers. If you don’t want to know how it ends, stop reading now.)

I’m sure a lot of people—myself included—thought that they’ll just end it and bring it back whenever the franchise needs a boost in sales. Uh . . . wrong. They’re fucking serious with this ending.

How do I put this delicately? Well, there is no way. Fuck it. EVERYONE DIES. There you go. Autobots and Decepticons alike. Everyone. The title of this final arc is “The War to End All Wars,” and Furman isn’t lying. Just a handful of Transformers survive when the thing that used to be Primus reshapes Cybertron, turning everyone else into Dark Matrix creatures capable of killing a ‘bot merely by touching him.

Not to mention the fact that the Dark Matrix has Optimus Prime in its thrall, and it has brought three different versions of him to fight Rodimus to the death. (Here’s another cool thing about this book: the multiverse. Whenever someone makes a movie out of a book or does a remake of a classic, I like to think that both versions happened, but they just happened in alternate universes, which is how I reconcile the differences and the things that piss me off. The same holds true for the Transformers books. Gen 1 takes place in another universe from the regular IDW books. Well, it turns out that Furman has decided that this is true. Just wait until the multiple Rodimus Primes show up, including the one from the Lost Light.)

Ultra Magnus and Galvatron have their final battle, and sure enough, one stands and one falls. Falls hard and permanently.

Rodimus realizes that the only way to save the universe is to kill Optimus Prime . . . AND HE DOES!

The Autobots and Decepticons give up war. They join forces with humans for a greater civilization. Even Starscream becomes an ambassador of peace throughout the galaxy. And in one final, beautiful moment of death, Rodimus Prime, the final Transformer, melts into the sun and gives birth to a new form of life. From his final thoughts, this wonderful gem: “Optimus was right—we were, ultimately, just one part of a far greater whole, and somewhere and when, in a perfect facet of the jewel he was honing, I picture an idyll, a utopia: the realization of Primus’ dream of a perfectly balanced universe, able to resist the entropic dissolution that inevitably turns order into chaos. My decision, our sacrifice, kept the dream alive.”

I couldn’t think of a better way to end this series.

[For the record, this last portion of Cool Shit was written with NRG’s “Instruments of Destruction” on a loop in the background.]

COOL SHIT 1-3-13

G.I. JOE:  COBRA #20:  With all the attention I pay to THE TRANSFORMERS here, one would think I’d bring up G.I. JOE a bit more often.  The thing is, all three books have been lagging, ever since they did that stupid Hunt for Snake-Eyes thing.  Let’s face it, the only way that story arc could have worked out in an awesome, unexpected way was if Snake-Eyes really did turn out to be a traitor, and he died in a very obvious, very gruesome fashion.  Now that the bullshit is out of the way, we can get back to the grown-up G.I. JOE kind of action IDW has been getting us hooked on ever since they picked up the series.  Flint and Lady Jaye are in serious trouble as they infiltrate a Red Oktober installation on a mission that doesn’t even exist on paper.  Now that they’ve been captured by a crew of thugs and murderers who have no regard for human life, it falls on Joe HQ to sort things out behind the scenes.  The problem:  the only person who seems capable of doing that is Tomax Paolo, who has been a prisoner of the Joes for . . . how long now?  Coming soon, they’re going to discontinue the three series in favor of three new series.  Personally, I think we’d be better served with one series, considering how for the past couple of years, we’ve been treated to one long story broken up over three monthlies.  Might as well just consolidate the whole thing.  I can understand having one main JOE book and then having a SPECIAL MISSIONS book, just like back in the ‘Eighties and ‘Nineties, but come on.  I have faith in the storytelling, but do we really need three JOE books?  That's kind of like breaking up an adaptation of THE HOBBIT into three movies--oh, wait.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #34:  Now that we’ve been through several decades worth of story, we’ve finally reached the mid-point, according to writer Scott Snyder.  At first glance, it’s a sedate issue, but when you think more about it, it’s a harbinger of things to come, and is thus a very important issue.  With a bit of quick exposition, we learn the fate of Will Bunting, the first chronicler of Skinner Sweet’s life, and who has replaced Bunting at the VMS.  We also get to see Abilena Book in her old age as she denies having been granted visions by being bitten by Sweet years earlier.  We get to meet the new enemy of the series, and we get a massive slap to the face in regards to how things are going to go for the rest of the series.  Here’s the problem:  THEY’RE GOING ON HIATUS.  Snyder says the next story is written, but he also says that they’re taking some time off to recharge their batteries (and to give the artist more time to illustrate the series, as he doesn't want to take any more breaks).  I can only hope that Vertigo will actually still be around when they do come back.  Many of you are familiar with my ranting and raving in regards to HELLBLAZER’s cancellation, and how I believe that Vertigo will be gone by the end of 2013.  I love FABLES and all the related titles, but I’m pretty sure they could survive in the DCU and make everyone a lot of money there.  Right now, AMERICAN VAMPIRE is the only book that has me hoping that Vertigo will survive.  They’ve done a lot of great work over the years, including my two favorite books of all time (PREACHER and TRANSMETROPOLITAN, even though the latter did, indeed, start out at the short-lived Helix).  HELLBLAZER, the Lansdale JONAH HEX, THE SANDMAN, 100 BULLETS, I could go on forever about all the wonderful books they’ve done.  Maybe Shelly Bond can do great things now that she’s in charge (and I know she’s edited many good books that I’ve enjoyed over the years), but considering all the really, really, really, really, really bad decisions DC has made recently, Vertigo is a dog with rabies.  It’s only a matter of time before someone puts it down.  I hope AMERICAN VAMPIRE gets finished before that happens.

COOL SHIT 3-29-12

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #25: This issue marks the end of my absolute favorite AV story arc thus far. We find out why, exactly, Travis is hunting down Skinner Sweet, as he and Sweet battle for what seems like a final time. Travis really, really thinks of everything. The only thing that can hurt Sweet is gold, and Travis had taken the time to mix gold powder into his coffee that morning. You know, on the off chance that Sweet would try to drink his blood. There is really no lengths to which Travis won’t go to get this guy. We still don’t know how Sweet survived WWII, but we do know something interesting and new about him. Believe it or not, it’s enough to turn Travis away from him. I hope the next story arc doesn’t let me down. Still, I don’t know how Snyder will be able to top this.

COBRA COMMAND: COBRA #11: The next mini-series reaches its end, and it’s kind of cool. Nothing too big happens . . . except the one scene that earns this book a place in Cool Shit. The Baroness is confronted by Ronin, a super-secret Joe. The latter seems to have the upper hand on the former, but it looks like the Baroness bites a cyanide pill in order to kill herself to evade being interrogated. Unfortunately for Ronin, she is actually swallowing the cure for the gas the Baroness has just unleashed. Ronin is about to die . . . except she is clever. Since the Baroness had the only capsule, Ronin forces her mouth on the Baroness’s, swallowing as much of the cure as she can. How awesome is that? This is not your father’s GI Joe.

THE LAST ZOMBIE: NEVERLAND #2: Once again, we get an all right issue except for one thing: our heroes are cutting their way through a cornfield when they discover they’re surrounded by guns . . . being held by children. That’s right, a bunch of kids have been living together in the middle of nowhere, defending themselves with automatic rifles, by their own admission killing people to survive. Now, they’re aiming guns at Ian Scott and his fellow military friends. How awesome is that? In addition, my copy has a double cover. There was probably a mix up, which resulted in me getting two identical covers on my book. That’ll be worth a lot of money in the future, right? Like an error baseball card, right? Right?!

CROSSED: BADLANDS #2: Garth Ennis gets far uglier than David Lapham could ever imagine. Lapham relied on horrible physical images to get his CROSSED material across. Sure, there was a lot of psychological stuff to it, but Ennis brings it to a whole new level. The narrator is your basic Everyman, but in his very quiet kind of way, he proves himself to be a complete bastard. We learn that he’s got a history of running away from big groups, but now we know that he’s not afraid to abandon a pregnant woman in order to preserve his own life. He’s ballsy enough to suggest to the group that everyone leave her alone to give birth, in order to save themselves from an incoming group of Crossed. If she lives, she can rejoin them later. The rest of the group certainly have their reservations about this plan (as would any good person), but one must wonder: if it came down to a survival situation just like this, how many readers would do the right thing? How many more would join the protagonist in fleeing? It’s some really nasty material (and I’m still digging the shit out of the character who claims to be Prince Harry; he’s such a bastard that one character is convinced he’s not lying because anyone in the royal family must be a fuck). Sad to say, there’s only one more Ennis issue of this book. Good news: Jamie Delano is picking up after this.

Also, it's worth noting that the narrator mentions the last group he was a part of, which was ruled by a triumverate of alpha males who constantly argued.  One of them makes a racist comment to another, and the narrator stops and thinks, really?  We're still doing this?  And I couldn't help but think, of course.  The rules of society have been canceled.  People are not afraid to let their real selves out.  Let's face it, most people don't use the dreaded n-word because society tells them it's not the proper thing to do.  However, just because society says no doesn't mean that the racist urge disappears.  That's why there are so many closet racists in the suburbs, for example.  If the rules no longer apply, then they have no reason to keep their ugliness inside.  So yes, Ennis, they are doing this, even in the middle of the Crossed apocalypse.  Especially then.

COOL SHIT 2-23-12 (Yeah, I know it's late. Sorry.)

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #24:  I can’t tell you how happy I am to see Skinner Sweet alive and well.  And as far as protagonists go, they don’t come more intense than Travis.  He is pretty fucking serious about putting Sweet down.  Just look at the scenes of him in the asylum, and how he gets out.  Not to mention that, after Sweet pounded seven shades of shit out of Travis, Travis is still eager and willing to continue fighting, almost beyond the point of common sense.  I’m so glad I didn’t give up on this series after Sweet “died.”  I just hope Scott Snyder has a good excuse for taking back his death.

THE TRANSFORMERS:  ROBOTS IN DISGUISE #2:  Have I told you about how much I fucking love this new direction TF is taking?  Yeah, okay, I don’t mean to go overboard, but I’m constantly getting a hard-on for this book.  This time, Bumblebee is sooooooo paranoid about being assassinated by the Decepticons that he preemptively takes out Starscream the ONE AND ONLY TIME Starscream has ever told the truth to an Autobot.  Well, the thing is, Ratbat is indeed planning to have Bumblebee killed, but now that Starscream has talked . . . well, read the book and find out.  And why would Starscream sell Ratbat out like that?  Hm, do you know Starscream?!  Here’s a hint to his powermongering abilities:  in this issue, he joins the Autobots.  How fucked up is that?

COOL SHIT 1-26-12

THE WALKING DEAD #93: We’re still in kind of a lull, as this is just the beginning of a new storyline, but it seems like things are going to heat up really fast. Just when you start thinking Rick is turning a new leaf, that he’s finally going to be less psycho than he’s been for the past 70-ish issues, he pulls some paranoid violence out of his ass and quite possibly fucks up any chance of getting civilization up and running again. It’s slowly starting to dawn on me that no matter how fucked up things get, Rick and his crew might actually be the villains of this book. What a horrifying concept!

TRANSFORMERS: ROBOTS IN DISGUISE #1: The sister book to MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE starts out with Cybertron in a horrible mess. Prowl has left the Decepticons in charge of keeping the peace, and to control them, he’s installed a device in all of them. If they misbehave, he can make their heads explode. Of course, them being Decepticons, they take their duties too far and essentially become stormtroopers. In the meantime, Bumblebee is stuck between his duties, making things work with the Decepticons, and trying to bring the expat Transformers into the fold. Things are clearly not working, especially since most people think he murdered Rodimus Prime and hundreds of others for political reasons. He does not help matters by using Prowl’s device to blow up a Decepticon’s head. And with Ratbat in the middle of it all, being his usual politician self, one suspects Bumblebee’s attempts at leadership will be run right off the rails.

ANGEL AND FAITH #6: This book has been good, but not great . . . until now. In this issue, through a flashback, we get to see some of Giles’s past, about his training to become a Watcher. It’s kind of interesting, because very few fans have probably considered the trials he had to go through to become the man he was before Angel cruelly murdered him at the end of season 8 of BUFFY. It’s very easy to see how he became Ripper during his teenage years. In addition to this, we finally get to meet Faith’s father (which should turn out pretty interesting), and Drusilla is back . . . and sane?!

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #23: DUDE! SKINNER SWEET LIVES! I now have a reason to continue reading this book! It’s odd, seeing as how it looked pretty obvious that he’d died in World War II, but here he is, in the ‘Fifties, being pursued by Travis, whose parents he’d killed. Travis is actually a pretty interesting character in his own right. After witnessing the deaths of his parents and growing up in a loony bin, he’s made a life out of hunting vampires . . . and biting them back. Even though he’s got a gun that shoots wooden bullets (in lieu of carrying stakes), he has a set of fangs he wears so he can actually bite offending vampires. How quirky is that?! This is quickly becoming my favorite story arc of this entire series.

COOL SHIT 9-29-11

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #19: So . . . Skinner Sweet and Jim Book, mortal enemies, were childhood friends? And Book’s family adopted Skinner when his parents died, making them brothers? Very interesting. We finally get a look at Sweet before he was turned into a vampire. It turns out that even as a child, he was an evil little bastard. I desperately hope that what happened at the end of #18 wasn’t the end of him. Without him, I don’t know if I want to go on reading this book.

THE LAST ZOMBIE: INFERNO #3: So far, this book has just been good enough. For those who don’t know, the zombie apocalypse is over, and we won. It’s just that the world has been thrown into chaos, and a group of soldiers is making their way across the wasteland that remains. Dr. Ian Scott wants nothing more than to see his wife again, but somehow he’s become infected and is turning into a zombie. He keeps this a secret from the others because he wants to make it to his woman before he dies. The real star, however, and the character who made me want to add this book to Cool Shit this week, is Planters, one of the soldiers, who is haunted by what happened to his family during the zombie apocalypse. We finally get his story, and holy shit, is it a nasty one. If you only know writer Brian Keene from his novels, you should try out this book.

KICK-ASS 2 #4: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, what you see above is Red Mist gunning down several children, and that’s not even the worst thing he does in this issue. All right, he’s calling himself Motherfucker these days, but it’s still everyone’s favorite twat, Red Mist. Even his fellow supervillains think this is fucked up. His response: “Oh, come on. So iCarly loses a few viewers? Give me a fucking break.” He then proceeds to rape Kick-Ass’ love interest. That’s right, he rapes her. Think about the horrifying implications of this. When the Joker crippled Barbara Gordon, did he rape her? No, he merely shot her in the spine. When was the last time you heard of the Green Goblin forcing himself on Gwen Stacy? Right. Writer Mark Millar has upped the ante with this issue. It’s almost like he’s taken Alan Moore’s place. Remember when Moore published the second LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN? And he had Mr. Hyde rape the Invisible Man to death? It was almost as if Moore had seen the movie made of the first and was daring Hollywood to put that scene to film. That’s the same kind of feeling I’m getting from Millar on this one. I’d tell you to go out and buy this book, but considering its enormous popularity, you probably already have.

COOL SHIT 2-24-11

AMERICAN VAMPIRE #12:  After Stephen King left this title a while ago, the story has kind of lagged a little bit.  It never became unreadable, but at the same time it didn’t have much of an effect on me.  And then this issue came screaming down the pike.  Skinner Sweet, sadistic gunslinger turned American vampire, is in a nostalgic mood, so he goes to a Wild West Show.  Some of the performers are people he used to know in the old days, but they’re aged beyond recognition and sporting origin stories with more lies in ‘em than a penis enlargement commercial.  He’s so disappointed by this drivel that he starts to leave when he hears the owner say that one of the performers, Dolly (an ex-sweetheart of Skinner’s), actually turned her beloved in to the law.  This is news to Skinner, and he decides to bring the “good ol’ days” back in a rather gruesome way.

In an unrelated note, am I the only one excited about Avatar’s forthcoming CALIGULA?  Jesus Christ, I’m so fucking hard my erection’s holding up my gut.  Avatar is the ONLY company with the guts to do a book like this.  And the commander-in-chief, William Christensen, is smart enough not to give it to someone like Garth Ennis or Warren Ellis.  They are the finest writers in the industry, but they would put too much thought and philosophy into it.  David Lapham, who has been doing an absolutely hedonistic run on CROSSED, is the perfect choice to write this book.  He’s not afraid to get down and dirty with unacceptable amounts of sexual gore, and as far as I can tell, he does it only for the shock of it.  Normally, that would turn me off, but Lapham has recently been turning his work into roller coasters of meaningless obscenity.  Who else could perfectly write CALIGULA?  (And don’t say Gore Vidal.  He did a wonderful job, but remember that he was working for Penthouse.)  I can’t wait for this one to hit the shelves, and neither should you!  I’ll be at C2E2 this year, and I hope the Avatar booth has a preview!